Monday, June 30, 2008

Country Stampeede *FINALLY!!!*

As I said the ride back from Jared and Amanda's wedding was a long one, and I was tired as hell. After stopping in Topika to pick up the passenger who wanted to go too, I made it back to my room (somehow) and absolutly CRASHED. Well I *had* intended to go see Charlie Daniels bad at 1600. and stay for the rest of the show. As it stood I only wook up intime for Rodney Atkins. Still really a good show. And the whole scene was funny as hell. Bunch of drunk stupid collage kids. little bit of streaking, and really good corn dogs.

Well the long and the short of it, I saw Gary there, walked around a lot, and listened to some good music. But over all I think sleep would have been better if it had come after the concert. I really liked it. I just wish I'd been able to see more of it. Erika, couldn't be reached for said concert. So I randomly asked people I knew. I'm not sure the dude that ended up comming with liked it, other than to look at all the drunk collage chicks. More power to him. Me, well not so much.

In the end the lines to get OUT were ten times worse than getting in. We got a breif dinner at MikeyD's (MacDonnalds for you special people) I drove him back to Topeka, down a back road which I'd never been on before. Well we got lost in the bad part of topeka looking for this dude's house. Eventually he had a cab pick him up and take him home. Now this is where the fatuge REALLY got better of me. It took way too long to get back, but once I crashed out in my room well I was dead to the world.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

A wedding and a little festivities.

I can't really describe the nasty surprise I got when I wrote down the wrong directions trying to get to Hannibal MO. I turned where I usually do to go to KCI, at the KS Speedway, where I-70 beets I-435. It was somewhat fortunate that there happens to be a giant mall there. Guess what. I finally got the dam shoes, but, and you'll really love this one FORGOT SOCKS!!! I even chatted with the clerk about my new tattoo (I had to wear a pair of board shorts because I couldn't stand the feel of long pants on it for any period of time) and how much fun it would be as the hair grew back AND the tattoo healed, oh and when they asked for ID for my Debit card I even showed them my Geneva Convention Card. But I was in such a rush to get there that I rushed out and forgot the dam socks!!!

Well by this point I'm wicked lost, have no idea where to go, cuz lets face it, I'm not from the Midwest. Well come to find out (I found this out on the way back) I could have just stayed on I70 and I'd have gotten to I-35, and conversely BOTH the 435 and 635 lead to the 35, but I didn't know that, and I tried my darnedest to get myself lost, taking the wrong road, and when i finally take the right road it was till I-29 then to 35. It was so confusing I got pretty horse screaming in frustration. Thanks a lot Map quest!

The funny part though is I called Herman, and it was clear that I'd just woken him up. He gave me absolutly great advise. "you want to take the 35 not the 35" I was like ok, so where is it? he kinda mumbled something, and he hung up the phone. I found out (after I got there) that his Bachlor Party had been the night before and he had gotten absolutly hammered. I had to turn around and go down the 70, a bit further, and finnally got back on track.

Well going up there I saw a lot of evidence of the recent flooding. It was kind of weird because at some points the water line was just right below the bridge, and it looked pretty muddy, and it was moving pretty darn fast. Well by the time I got on the right interstate I realized it was time to get gas (again). As soon as I stopped and got gas I found out that I just went 20 miles in the wrong direction after getting off I-35. I couldn't believe that I'd gone the wrong direction, and I also couldn't believe that I was still over 120 miles out of Hannible.

Now for some odd reason this stretch of road was under construction for over 60 miles. Most of the time I was speeding, anywhere from 10-25 MPH over the limit which averaged around 60MPH. well at this point Map Quest absolutly failed me. Somehow, and I couldn't tell you how, I made it to the Wal Mart. At that point, tired and with a sore knee I decided to FINALLY get socks. After that was done with I tried yet again to get directions from Herman. I never knew that an Infantryman could give such bad directions. haha. He ended up sending me down the wrong road until he gave his phone to his soon to be mother-in-law. She finally got me there.

After a breif meet and greet with the brides parents (the Groom's hadn't showed up yet.) I rushed downstairs and got changed into my suit and tie (which Herman later retied. something about a windsor or some crap like that) and I was ready to watch the ceremony. . .which didn't start for another two hours. It was kind of one of those things were I was bemused and bored at the same time. I thought it was kind of funny how Herman (Jared) was hidding from the photographer who was going INSANE with the camera. I have to wonder if that's how Nicole's subjects feel haha. Well it was perrtty clear it was more for Amanda than for Jared.

About the ceramony, I can only say it has got to be one of the shortest I had ever seen. the whole part of "if anyone should have reason. . . " part where anyone could be at the last min "NO DON'T DO IT, HE'S A SOAP OPERA STAR!!!" or something along those lines was completly omitted. If Jared were still drunk he sure didn't have enough time to sober up and be like "holy shit". Probably for the best. Seeing as they were all googlie eyed at each other the whole time, I highly doubt it.

After that instead of throwing rice we blew bubbles ("this blows" I proclaimed loudly and proudly) and I got the honors of driving the happy couple to the reception. Well I suffered having the whole "Just Married" put on my car, and the insessent honking of horns. It was kinda funny cuz it was almost like a clown car, the way those two were shoved in the back, but I had no qualms with lending my baby to them. Hell I'd have given Jared the keys, but I forgot his lisence was suspended.

Upon reaching the reception I asked where I was supposed to sit, not at all sure if there was assigned seating, and being somewhat of a hanger on. Mrs. Herman, and Mr. Herman gracously invited me to join them saying that I was family. For most of the night I tried to tell them with out revealing too many gory details, just what kind of man their son was. In essence he is a son, and a friend to be proud of. I skipped over the rough details about when Craig got hit, but I let it be know that I had offered him the option to take a break and stay back for a rotation, but he, like the rest of the platoon was out ther two days later, and I have never been prouder to be a part of a group of people.

Lewis and his whole clan it seemed was there. That man has a lot of brothers. and after the festivities kicked off I procedded to drink thimble sized shots of Jack that were WAY overpriced, but I had a good time. It was a good town, and there were good people at the reception. Its strange, but I seemed to have left a really good impression on both families. I think the highlight of the reception for me was when i just kinda reached out and caught the guarter belt. I suppose that means I'm due to get married. HAHA wouldn't that be my luck.

Well I was offered a poop table to crash out on at Amanda's home, but the lure of more Alcohol took me to Lewis' dad's place. If I thought there's be more party I was dead wrong. Lewis got in a fight with his brother and almost took a swing at me, and everyone else including his gf. oh and there was a shoot out. 3 rounds from a pistol. His gf had said something like fireworks and both me and Lewis agreed it was a pistol on the other side of the apartement complex. Out of sight. Well I tried to crash out, cuz I figgured if I was going to make it to the one day of country stampeede that I did have tickets for, I'd have to take off at oh-dark thirty. Finally at 0330, I'd had enough and asked for a ride to my car.

Well it is probably a bad idea to drive when i did. After all not only was I tired but I was also buzzed. I figgured 0330, if I actually take anyone out it'll probably only be me. Strangely enough I had no problem driving. Apparently I hadn't had as much to drink as I thought. I even gave myself an FST, and passed with flying colors.

The drive back was. . . long, and oh so boring. But there is one thing I did that had me feeing really good. As the sun was comming up I happende to see the first bit of trafic since leaving Hannibal. it was a van, you know one of those family cruising vans with the extended roof, parked on the side of the road and a guy was sticking out his thumb. Well I'm not going to try to stop on a dime when I'm doing 80 MPH unless I have to. I pulled probablly 250-300 meters ahead of him, turned over and backed up to him.

Come to find out he had been returning from his daughters gratuation in Illinois, and headed to KC. Well the poor guy had run out of gas, about 10 miles short of a gas station. Pushing that big ass tub of lard for a van 10 miles was out of the question. Well I gave him a ride to the gas station and back, and once I dropped him off we said our good byes, and good lucks, and congrats on the good news we had just had, and that was it. I never got his name, and I never gave him mine. I don't think that really matters. It was a good thing to do. It felt like the right thing to do. I'm not braggin or even seeking recognition, I want other people to know that every once in a while helping a stranger out is a good thing.

the whole trip finally ended a 1000ish back in my room at Riley, almost 26 hours, two and a half tanks of gas, a shit load of cafeen, ten thimbles of jack, 2 and a half hours of sleep, and one helped stanger later.




Friday, June 27, 2008


I've been putting it off for a long while, and I's been something I've been wanting to do well since I got back this last time. That's right folks, get a tatoo. It started off seeing what Nea, the big Samoan on Rear D. He did great work, and I figured hell I'll get something cheap, that says something about me. Looking back on it my first idea was a bit too ambitious. I was going to get a caduceus down my back. the WHOLE back. Starting off at T1, and ending at L5. that's just below the neck and just short of the ass for those that don't know.

Well I FINALLY made the move of getting an apt. at Twisted Apple in Manhattan. I was really nervous, and not sure about it all. Well long story short, A week later (today) there I am. But I found out that my idea (dog tags on the foot with names and dates) wouldn't have worked out so well. The guy who would be doing it was pretty cool about it, said I had a half hour and I could decide what I wanted. So I fell back to the "soldier's cross" Again for those that don't know what it is, it's the traditional grave marker for soldiers. Symbolized by a rifle stuck into the ground with a bayonet, boots, in front of it, Dog tags hanging from the grip, and a helmet on top. I asked that there be 4 tags, symbolizing the 4 soldiers I'd lost so far in Iraq, and that it look like the wind were blowing the tags. He drew up a picture, which I thought looked very nice, and I decided to put it on the left calf on the outside. That was the easy part.

The hard part was sitting still. I knew once he put that needle in me I had been right to be nervous. It HURT! the whole time he was drawing the outline alone I was twitching involuntarily, ESPECIALLY when he hit a particular nerve cluster tight around where the carrying handle is on the M-16. I couldn't help it, it's like when the doctor hits your knee with the little rubber hammer. But that was just the OUTLINE.

Then came the shading, and, strangely enough that didn't hurt nearly as much as the outline did. Odd because it was a big ass thing he was using. Maybe I was just getting used to it. But let me tell you, I was paying as much attention to Dr Phil, and his crappy psychobabble as I could. I was laughing at his "house of hate", the OCD mom with panic attacks, the "home makeover" for the folks that had a home invasion. Well it took my mind off it didn't it? If the guy wants to toot his own horn, fine, but really I don't get what is so great about him. He's kind of stating the obvious, and doing what any shrink would do or suggest with unlimited money. Thank God I was out of there before Opera came on. I have no problem with daytime talk shows but they're geared to women. Listen to too much and I might as well cut off my testicles and start "shopping" and giving a crap about what looks good with what and what I'm trying to say wearing different colors. Want to know what I'm saying LOOK AT THE SHIRT IDIOT. It usually says loud and clear how I feel or what I'm trying to say about myself.

Also I took a lot of cash that I'd saved up in my desk drawer. Glad I did to. Originally it was going towards a spiffy camera, but the tattoo works out just as well. $175! If I hadn't saved up there'd be no WAY I'd be able to go to Herman's wedding. what with gas prices and all. In the end I was able to knock it down to $40 on my card. It was both a big relief and a bit of a painful moment. I know its weird, I can spend a hundred dollars getting movies and games at Wal Mart without batting an eye, but if I get anything like shoes, clothes, TV, and now apparently Tattoos, I go into frugal mode. I've never understood how I have no problem driving myself into debt with a lot of little purchases, but let me get something big, and I get real nervous.

Well after that I limped my sorry ass back to the room, and waited a few hours to peel the bandage off and take the shower. I was a little freaked that it had bleed through, and I'm sire Erika did a bit too when i told her about it, but its all good. After the shower, I saw just how raw and irritated it was. Strangely enough this wasn't something that took a lot og getting used to. Not like a scar or a new haircut. As soon as the bandage came off it was like it had always been there, I'd just never seen it. How odd is that?

Well I'm glad with the outcome. But feel free to comment.

Thursday, June 26, 2008


Well I finally made the choice, I'm going to go to the wedding instead of the Country stampede. I know I know I'm missing Taylor Hicks and Rascal Flats, but lets face it there will always be other concerts, there will only (hopefully) be one wedding for Jared (Herman). So I went out and got my suit all ready I got back and wouldn't you know it I FORGOT TO GET SHOES!!! that is really high up on the "Brilliant" chart.

But I am going to the wedding. I really want to go to country stampede, but I'm afraid that if I do I won't be able to get to the wedding because of gas prices. it's $75 to get into the gate, and thats if I could find the dam thing. I've only been out there once and I didn't drive. Add to that that I JUST got the whole tattoo appointment for , and you end up with a nasty dilemma. Well I txt'd Erika about it. I suppose it was a little "Woe is me" but hey I needed to hear an outside opinion. Well I finally made up my mind (helped along by the fact that I already GOT the suit). But still I forgot SHOES! What an idiot.

Now I got to either go back to JC Penny or get a pair on the road. Thinking about the gas prices, and the gas guzzler that is my car, makes me sweat just a little bit. It's going to be tight, and I'm not entirely sure I'll be able to make it back, or make it there. Oh well. So much for the 150 mile radius. Man I hope they don't declare me AWOL.

Writers Strike still suckin

Ok first off There is nothing on this Earth more annoying than the well off or the semi-well off saying they don't have enough money, or their needs aren't met. Its the same as people sent to prison saying that they are being treated cruelly, because they can't watch TV, or their cells are too small. The Writers Strike always struck me as A), Selfish B), Pointless and C), more hastle then it was worth.

While it is important that folks get their due, entertainers are, by nature, servants to the people. Every person involved in thesbianic arts (acting for you of 4th grade intelligence) are servants of the people. Their job is this: to entertain the masses. Yes its not an easy existance, but lets face it what other lifestyles garner so much acclaim? A man can work hard his whole life, and after he's gone he might be rememberer fondly but eventually, sooner or later he will be forgotten. A writter or actor or director can write one piece of crap and be remembered for many years after their gone. Hell Shakespeare is still being drudged up every generation, and his themes are as baisic as they come (and probably heavily inspired by Greek litature)

What bothers me most about the writers strike is that it has made almost all television lame. Seasons are cut sometimes to a third of their size, sometimes far more, and the ones that aren't cut down too far are left with the uber lame half finnished Arc that is really hard to fix. Case in point Bones. Pretty much all of the Gormagon Arc was good right up until the last episode. The twist was good, and I would have done it myself but the twist and how they wrapped it all up was just far too hurried. Its like they compressed what should have been three episodes into 15 mins. And the actual Gormagon? LAME! what a let down, from a series I had grown to really like.

need more examples? Heroes, Four episodes in it just STOPPED. I can't really say I like the direction they went. Seriously this whole thing sucks. I hate these Hollywood types. They are there to entertain ME, not to brow beat me with their adgenda and make everything lame.

PFC Andre Craig Jr remembered

one year ago today, PFC Andre Craig Jr was killed by an EFP (Explosively Formed Projectile) while being a gunner for Bravo 2-7, the second to last vehicle in our convoy, headed back to the main FOB. It was not a raid, a supply mission, or even a patrol. It was simply "going home". No matter what the circumstances this man's death was a tragity, no matter how you slice it.

Iraq had become a firestorm of controversy. Some folks say that we should get out, that we went because of a lie, or just plain that war is wrong. I have watched (from Baghdad) the war protests that seemed all too familiar, and I watched from afar as this good man (somehow) became a small political rally cry. His parents took his last conversation, the day before he died the wrong way. WillieBo was there and told me that he was explaining having to pull security on the COP 24/7, which his family took somehow to mean that he was going on a 24 hour patrol, and that somehow we were going to go on another 24 hour patrol. Apparently there was an investigation and it was published in the local paper. LT Hammel showed it to me, and it hurt.

I don't care how you feel about the war. I have a lot of feelings about it myself, but that doesn't preclude people from supporting the troops. I have no problem with a person speaking out against the war, but I always hate how every single war protest seems to make it seem like the soldiers aren't doing it right or that it is somehow the grunt's fault. The truth is that it's so complex that there is no one person at fault and the political leadership is just as much to blame as the folks with a shit load of brass on their collars.

Being a part of the "surge" and seeing at the same time live, how people were reacting to the war it hurt. Worse, the day Craig died, there was a 45 min peace on Paris Hilton's woes and all he got was a "two seprat incidents in and around Baghdad" type of report. It was infuriating.

But something I regret to this day was telling Craig to "hurry up and die" while he was playing Company of Heroes. He and WillieBo had a 4 hour game, and I'd played it all of once. I think that's the last thing i said TO Craig. All I have to do is close my eyes and I can see Fig holding on to him telling him he's going to be ok, or the labored way he was breathing. I can still "hear" the clicking sound comming from the Aid station as the 1/504 medics tried to do CPR to save him. Was it worth it? I don't know. Ask me in 20 years.

I will say this, I would trade 10,000 Jaysh al-Mahdi "fighters" for just one Andre Craig Jr. If this war is all about oil i hope we pillage the shit out of that piss-ant country. I hope those smug hippie liberal douche bags feel superior when they fill their gay ass car up. I hope every time someone pumps a gallon of gas, they hear that awful wet snoring sound as he tried to breath.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Another weird dream

I have no idea what all this means but maybe its because I've been watching a lot of the Fox show "bones"

So I'm teaching a class of some kind (i'm Morgan freeman or samual L Jackson, not sure which) and Lisa walks in and sits down at one of the desks. I have no idea what I'm teaching and I have no idea who all the kids at the desk are, but i get interupted by her mother, who apparently is some sort of socialite and wants her daughter (Lisa) to be given special treatment.

At this point Lisa goes into convulsions, and some one kneals by her and says "she's had a baby" in that shocked voice you usually get in a mystery show. Then somehow I find out that she's strung out on Coke, Meth and God knows what else. I have no Idea what this all means, but it goes to trial, and from the 3rd person Morgan Freeman/Samual L. Jackson, looks right at the socalite mother and tells all about how this death is the mother's fault, always trying to cover the faults.

I have NO idea what all the symbolism is behind this really weird ass dream, so if anyone can figgure it out that'd be great.

For Good This Time?

So Erika goes to see her therapist today, and I kinda joke about how I get paranoid when people talk about me. Afterwards I ask her what she talks about, "mostly daddy issues" I tell her about my dad who is slipping into alcoholism, and not emotionally capable of hearing what I have to say. she goes on to say if he's willing to listen I should talk to him. I try to explain that he's not able, and then she gets into some sort of strange pissing match about who's dad is worse off.

Look this woman confuses the hell out of me. I said something offhand and that ticked her off so she took the "annoy" dial on full. she suggests all sorts of things that really hurt. 1). I bounce from woman to woman, which is true but not by choice 2). I wallow in self pity: self depreciation is how I get by, when I find myself in shitty situations, which is sadly far too often. I got so angry. I don't know why I got so angry, but I did. So I said a lot of things I'm going to regret fro a long time. I think she's blocked me on messenger, and she didn't respond to my text message so I think that's it.

And I have to wonder, why is it this bothers me? Every time we pick up and limp along then one of us says something that drives the other away, but I really do love her, and I know she loves me, so why is it she always wants to fight with me? Every time I try to keep it light its not light enough, and every time I try to talk about any type of issue, it's not taken seriously by her, and she won't talk about her issues with me. It sucks cuz I'm usually the stoic one. When I am in a light mood I say things off hand that are always taken the wrong way (by everyone) and when I'm serous i am often too serous for people, or (ironically) I'm not taken seriously.

I don't know the number of times that I have done that whole "out of the depths I cry out to thee". I've tried to do everything to find that "happy medium" but no matter what I do it only makes me a more restless soul. Time and time again I have tried so hard to be the man the world wants me to be, and in the end I am alone friendless and panting from the effort. It makes a Joe wish for that last battle.

So I lost my cool. Wasn't the first time and won't be the last. Do I regret it? Yes. But I suppose I won't get a chance to take it back. So what can I do? Move on? it seems so hard, but I guess I'll do what I'll have to do.

UPDATE: I talked (briefly) to Erika. The irony is that she is just as frustrated as I am. well that's just dandy. haha

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Douche Bags!!!

Did I ever mention I HATE MPs? No? Ok well those guys can be the biggest dicks ever. I had finally decided to get a *normal* dinner at the BBQ petes or whatever its called out back of Target in Manhattan. The meal was great. The ribs were insanely awsome. best corn bread I've had in a long while, and all that jazz. I actually made a concious choice to go eat and not go see a movie as I usually do. Why you ask? because 1). I was spending too much ($8 bucks a night isn't cheap) and 2). I simply wanted to sit down and eat.

so after this rocking meal. I head back to base. I get through the gate no problem, and on the way back I see an MP car waiting at the Softball feild. So I turn there, beause I frankly HATE having MPs behind me for any reason. and get this they actually turn around and start following me!!! its insane! So I'm starting to really freak out cuz these guys are right on my ass, and I've seen more than one movie that didn't end well.

Well I make my way (doing 15 the whole way) back to the parking lot, I park my car AND THEN they turn on their lights. they come up behind me and say that they pulled me over for NOT USING MY TURN SIGNAL oh and the small bit of expired tags. I told them that I'd been told that the tags were good till next year so they offered to let me go out and check. I check sure enough the tags expired one month after I got the plates.

So they let me off with a warning after completly making me jump out of my skin! which means that I'm going to be stuck here all weekend. GOD I HATE MPs!!!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

May the Fanboy be with you

Ok so the night before I saw Iron Man. Then last night I saw the Incredible Hulk. Now this is different from the last Hulk movie in the main part that it didn't suck! First off its not an origin story. Second, anyone that liked the tv series, will notice a lot of things that are similar. The "gamma" scene is very simimar to the show, and also at one point the very familiar piano theme is heard, and for the most part Bruce Banner spends his time alone, much like the serries.

Second, and perhaps the most important, unlike almost every single other super hero movie to date, it actually acknowleges that there are other superheroes. There's nods to Captain America (Super Soldier), Nick Furry, even a cameo at the end (I'm not going to say who). And a quick mention that will have fanboys wetting their pants. This movie clearly sets up sequils and even crossover movies.

However unlike DC which has an exclusive contract with Warner Brothers, Marvel pretty much goes with everyone. Also there's a question of how the hell you'd get all the stars together to do such a movie. I mean when some stars pull $20M a flixk getting five together for such a movie would make it close to a record breaker just to make!!!

I will say this for sure. woe to the poor soul that tries to make such a movie. The hype would make anything less then perfect a complete let down.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Iron Man Vs. The Tornado

I don't know why, but last night I had a sudden hankering to go see Iron Man one last time before it left theaters (to be replace no doubt by another Marvel figure, the Incredible Hulk). I headed over to Manhattan round about 2000, and I could see these white flufft clouds with some extreme fireworks going on inside. It seemed like a metaphore for me. Always the calm exterior with so much chaos inside.

I didn't think *too* much of it, and I probably should have, but the previous night's lighting display really bothered me. So I was going to go see a movie to take my mind off of it. After all what are the odds of an extreame storm hitting the same area twice in two days. What are the odds indeed.

I got my ticket, popcorn, drink and choclate covered raisins, and headed to the theater. After The prolouge ended it started to show Ironmand in his escape, and then the lights flickered on and the projections stoped in mid frame. I'm thinking there was *another* malfunction, like the time Speed racer's sound cut out. Then this girl comes in and says that there's a tornado warning and the safest place to be is actually in the theater, next to the screen.

So I sat down and waited. The company was not the greatest in the world, and the movie theater staff kept comming to "check" on us, and even though they were in a position of nominal authority, there was really little that seemed to phaise the folks that where in the tyheater while the staff had that air of barely controled panic.

Now don't get me wrong, when the wind started really howling I got a little spooked, I mean I'm from San Diego, we don't have to deal much with natural disasters (NO WE DON'T HAVE EARTHQUAKES EVERY OTHER DAY!!!). The girl (seeing as she was more Tween than teen) was telling me over and over again that it'd be alright, that its ok and all that jazz. Really I think I was calmer than she was. But that's beside the point. The funniest thing of all is when the smokers absolutly HAVE to have a cig in the middle of a crissis situation. It always makes me laugh. Also the three guys that came together to see it were about the dumbest folk I'd met so far, and one was talking with a serous San Fransisco Lisp.

All told I didn't get let out of there till almost an hour after the movie WOULD have ended, having to spend at least an hour and a half in emergency lighting. Thankfully my car was undamaged and as I was driving back to Riley, I heard all manner of things includding the fact that a real live tornado had actually struck less than a mile down the road, and flipped a few cars at the Toyota dealership. The irony is that in order to get away from the storm I *unknowingly* headed towards it, and almost to the spot where it would have actually caused me harm.

Well they said I could come back and watch any other movie I want so I guess I'll be taking them up on that offer, sans, ofcurse the tornadoes.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Rolling Thunder

Last night was. . . Intense. It has been said that a thunderstorm on the plains can be a terrifying event, and last night was no exception. I do not know what terrified me more, the fact that it sounded all too much like incomming, or that the whole building shook. I tried listening to my iPod, I tried taking ambien, I tried everything to fall asleep. Finally I took three times the recomended dose of Ambien before I finally went to sleep.

While I was lying there, it was insane. The flashes were lighting up my room, and they even seemed to burn through my eyelids. The sound was so loud it even drowned out Disturbed. Unlike when Haji is shooting at you, this time you can't be sure of shooting back. There is no defence against nature.

I've never really seen this much extream weather at one time. Oh when I was young I saw the tail end of a hurricane. But it seems almost every other day there is another storm. Another severe weather warning, and on and on and on. It's gotten my nerves a little frazzled and my right hand has started shaking again. I'm not sure what to think about all this!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


Emotions are so easy for women. They used to be for me too. I suppose it was easy to feel when nothing was on the line. But somewhere along the wayI don't know when, I swallowed all my feelings and became a man of action. I don't actually say "I love you" aloud anymore. And I do not say any number of a hundred things women expect me to say. Why you ask? Why can't you feel something?

Because, ladies, it hurts. Lets face it, its real easy to preach from the pulpet of the Moral High Ground. You can sit there and spout off how this and that makes you feel, and you can say this is what you should, and should not do. But down in the mud its not that easy. That's why (Cathloc) Preists and nuns are celebate (or are supposed to be). People need someone that is above the problem for guidance. But when you're at the same level giving a speach about feelings just won't cut it.

I know I should feel more. Truth is aside from some baisic physical things I think I've really lost the ability to feel anything more than the most baisic emotions. Why? Hmmm lets see jumping into the back of an open bead humvee to see one man with evicerated bowel, and the other with an open Tib/Fib fracture. Or maybe actually contemplating cold blooded murder after treating soldiers for 8 hours. All requiring constant attention and morphine. Or maybe seein a 19 year old missing his face. Or maybe taking three hours to extracate two soldiers only to find the third was dead before you got on scene. and that was just my first tour.

That doesn't even cover the ER, stalker chick, Jen, Lisa, and oh yes my last deployment, Rear D, and the whole Girlfriend pinball game. Lets face it even the most emotice and sappy woman would be burnt out. Yet, somehow I'm still expected to fit into a woman's neat little box of what a man should be. Here's a thought, instead of always reading glamor YM gossip rags etc, why don't you read something about men BY men. I can not laugh enough at those headlines you see in the magazines at the check out stand. "how to make him beg for more" or "get him in touch with his emotions" Please. If you really wanted guys to actlike women then they'd all be GAY!

I keep thinking of that country song "I'm still a guy" Yea i may make you cry, hold your hand but don't expect me to get manicures, I won't use moisturizers on my hands, and I'm proud of the callouses on my hand. Lets me know I've done something. I'll listen to your problems, and I'll even help you with them, but in the end I'll probably laugh about how you're making a big deal out of something little.

I don't go to movies with pink in the title (the SOLE exception is the pink panther) or Pink on the bilboard (Sex in the city? that's what they show to GTMO prisoners to get them to talk Of course the ACLU forced them to stop, because it was *obviously* tourture) If it even remotely has a chick flick feel to it, I'm out. Women: you know why you feel so lousy when your guy doesn't act like the guys in the movies? because those movies are written BY WOMEN!!! If a guy actually acts like the guys in romance movies, chances are you'd leave him for being too much of a wussy ass (see Bedazzled).

maybe I should show my emotions more, but I'm through wearing my heart on a sleave. I've shed far too much blood sweat and tears to go for all the emotional crap that women seem to want me to spout. I am burnt out on high emotion. I'm not going to fight to keep a woman anymore. Nor am I going to cry over the loss. You want to be with me that's fine, you don't? nothing's stopping you. I'm so sick of the games.

Monday, June 9, 2008

The Dyslexic Gamer, and the Last Man on Earth

If you don't know I'm Lysdexic. Dyslexic to all you non challanged people out there. For the most part it's not bad enough that I have too much of a problem with it. Sometimes in medicine I get things mixed up (Lord almighty try explaining to a Doctor that you got your right/left vs. your patient's right/left mixed up b/c your dyslexic.) Sometimes this can actually be a semi good thing. I suppose somehow it's made me creative. so that's definatly a plus, but in some areas it makes me dumb as rocks (*cough* relationships *cough*)

There is one area that I am steadfastly at a disadvantage. Gaming. I swear if one for 8 year old beats me at my own games I'm going to blow a gasket. For one when the thing says X I tend yo push square, or triangle, and don't even get me started on the tilt crap. Whoever thought that they needed to make the game so dependant on mofing your PS3 controller around in weird ways really needs to be taken outback and shot. This afternoon I spent 3 FREAKING hours trying to kill this boss which should have only taken ten to fifteen mins.

I can not even begin to describe ho bad I wanted to scream everytime the dam thing said turn it right and i went left, forward and i went back. I realize now why I could never get to Shang Sung in the original Mortal Kombat. Hell unless I had $20 in quarters I couldn't even get to the guy with 4 arms. Playing two player? FORGET IT! It was a blood bath, almost litterally. My happy ass would always end up in the spikes or have my head ripped off or some other cheerful thought. serously they need to make a game for dyslexic people, that doesn't make them feel like retards everytime they try to do a simple combo.

Too bad there aren't more Super Marrio games out there. Aside from Lego Star Wars, all the games I play require some actual skill at playing them. I can't even remeber what it was like on my Xbox 360 (thank you army for frying the only power cord I had, I really appriciated how you almost started a fire with that electrical surge). I got 8 Xbox games I can't even play because Microsoft in all their infanate wisdom has decided not to sell AV cords and new power cables at all the major retailers. Bravo Foxtrots!

Ok so moving on from that tirade. Yesterday (Saturday) I went out to Borders, and saw this graphic novel called "the Last Man on Earth" essentially for some strange reason all male mammals suddenly die off. Pretty much 48% of the world dies in seconds except for this one guy, and his monkey (think like the outbreak money). Now right off there are some oddities. First off the sudden collaps of society. I'm not sure it would have been that rapid, or that extreme. Secondly although I only have the first volume I'm pretty sure this is one of those magic things. Already the biblical, Bio-terror, and random act of nature are rulled out.

There are groups like the "amazons" which are baisically the butchest psycho women to haunt the post apocalypse. You'd think that their first priority would be repopulation, but. . . no actually they want to hunt down and kill the last man. they see it as all men were bad, and now there are no more murders rapests and theives. They cut on their left breast, and in a twist the protagonist's sister is a member of this group. Right off the bat they Murder and steal so, you can see their logic is all twisted.

Then there's the protagonist's mother. A representive, and a Democrat it appears, that is against abortion! There's a fight with a male senator about supporting Mexican abortion (don't ask me) right before the big vomiting blood/Indiana jones skull melting. After its over the government is pretty much crippled, the scratary of agraculture becomes president and there's a shoot out of all things on the whitehouse lawn with the republicans! Of course the Republicans feel they've been left out because of the freeze on government, which is predominatly Democrat (all women see) and of course the Republican suggest that the constitution doesn't apply. Political posturing at it's worst.

Despite the fact that there are a few glaring problems (a monkey named Ampersand the sister named Hero i shit you not, and Yoric the main charictor) But I've always wondered about these "last man on Earth" type stories. I remember on the Sci-fi channal there was one move that was really thought provocing. They spent the whole movie chasing after this one guy, claiming he's dangerous and destructive, in the end the women infect him with the Y-cromosome virus and force him to undergo a slow agonizing painful death, while the woman that created him (and yes fell in love with him) is forced to watch.

It is often said that if there were no men, there would be no violance. I think if anything the violance would be, well I supose more vicsious. Guys may fight eachother (and with a few exceptions) once it's clear who the winner is the fight stops, no hard feelings, and everybody goes on. Women, well, women are not that easily pulled away from the fight. Having seen street fights of both sexes I can tell you that by far the female on female is the most viscious. Of course Males, pound for pound can deal more damage, and take more, they tend to stick to the "rules". There is no such restraint in women. Not even a hint of it.

What troubles me most about a story like this is that it is not that far fetched. Magic asside, it is entirely possible to create a virus specific to the Y chromosome. If that were to happen, and worldwide men were to suddenly drop dead, could mankind (no pun intended) go on? I'm sure in a few years Cloning would be to the point that you could have female/female reproduction, but What would that world look like? would anyone really want to live there? And what would happen if a man were suddenly to appear. Interesting if theoretical questions.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Getting Out and Getting On

yesterday I spent a lot of time hanging around. I went out to Manhattan, with no real destination in mind. On the way I got some sewing done for my assault pack (I now have a green CMB and my nametape on the back) and also got two PCs (Patrol Caps) sewn with rank. It's all a part of the slow build up to going back on the hill. Have to look like an actual soldeir ya know.

I have been asking around and apparently NO ONE had Class A's in my size! this is rediculous! I know I've gained weight, but the measuremnts actually go off the shoulders, and I really really really don't want to send for my old grody class A's that were issued to me in baisic. They're starting to show signs of their age. The fadding, startch stains etc, well you try going into a Board and impressing the CSM with Class A's that look like you got them out of the Bargin Bin! you'll be out of there so fast it'll make your head spin!

alas no luck. I even tried the Pawn shop. Of course once I got to the Pawn shop I was distracted by the Barret .50 cal. I thought it was just a mock-up but no said the man that's a real Barret, and amazingly it's leagel in Kansas. I tried all sorts of guns, from shotguns right up to AK-47 analoges, and M-4 look alikes. I even held a Springfeild Armory model 1911 (the pistol that was made famous in WWII) But I had to move on.

So after a breif talk about politics, and war in general (with a Vietnam vet) I gotmyself a subway sandwich, and rolled out to Manhattan proper. Again I was completly Aimless. I went to the mall got some books, and a pamphlet on Navy SEALs. Then went over to Best Buy to finally get the High Def AV cables for my PS3 (no joy looking for cables for my Xbox 360) and "the Patriot" on Blue-ray. Gonna see if there's much of a differance later. I've kinda started to buy into the whole Blue-ray craze.

Finally ending the day with a Movie. "You don't Mess with the Zohan" Adam Sandler's most recent flick about an Isreali supper agent that decides he's had enough of the killing and wants to cut hair. It was raunchy, in so many ways, and in the end the "lets all get along" message was a bit much, but it was really funny how they made fun of both the Isralies and Palestinians. But all in all, not the greatest movie around.

All of this was for one purpose. To get my mind off Erika. I don't know what I feel about that. I mean I was certainly willing to make the long trips down to see her, I just wanted to know where I stood. The whole moritorium on dating thing has thrown me for a loop. It just seems like another let down and if I weren't so dam used to it I'm sure it would hurt more. I really hate how quickly things go from hunkie dorie to shit on a shingle in no time flat.

I made it clear that it's her choice and she has to live with it. I suppose i came off harsher than I wanted to, but dammit I wanted her to feel bad about it! It's not wrong to want some sense of where things are going. I think I've been pretty fair so far, more than fair. I kept chaising after her long after most guys would have said "fuck it, it's not worth it". Somehow I get this feeling she is going to play the feild some more before the 2 years is up. I suppose I'm just seeing things others don't but I feel like an old man shaking his head at what the "dumb kids" are doing. you want something, you hold onto it, no push it away. A few weeks ago she was talking the big talk and now I'm cut loose and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. Always disapointment. I compared it to a situation like the one with Lisa, and she flipped at this. I said no the result (not the cause) is the same. I'm alone sittin in my room expected to beat my meat but still be there for her when she needs a friend.

I'm just so disapointed. It is like seeing something take shape and your eyes brighten and then that shape veers off course and you just shake your head knowing that eventually you'll be proven right, but not before it's far too late to do anything about it. She says give me two years. I don't have that much left in the army. To assume that I'd re-up for Riley on the off chance that things might work out 2 years from now is insane. Almost as insane as when i went to my retention NCO in Iraq to ask to Re-up for Lewis to be closer to Lisa. What a disaster that would have been. It's like watching the game winning touchdown slip through the reciever's fingers by inches. Or watching a new airframe take to the skies. . . only to come plumeting down on the edge of the runway. I realize I'm only 24, but I've seen enough of the world to feel so much older than that. But I suppose the old addage is true. "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" I did everything I could think of to get her to come to the conclusion on her own, but she took another path, and now it will be truly impossible to resurect this relationship.

Oh and before anyone even THINKS about posting some trite "the right one is out there" or "have patients" or anything remotly like "when you stop looking that's when you find her" sentimental CRAP I realy don't want to hear it! I've had an earful and I am tired of hallow platatudes to asuage my saddness. I'll fucking live. I survived worse doubtless I'll survive worse again before its over.

Friday, June 6, 2008

History, Smiles and loss

June 6th. For most people just another day. Even many in the Army are not fully aware of the full implication of this day. But in the US Army there are few days that are as steeped in sacrafice, and valor. Aside from the Airborne drop, which was scattered all to hell, there were the assault on Point du Hauc (the last time 1st ID was remembered for greatness) ther was the Brittish, and Canadian Landings on Juno, Gold and Sword beaches, then there was the American landing on Omaha. By far the worst of all the landings, it was an absolute slaughter, 400 yards of open beach with murderous MG fire, Mortars, and artillery. It is said that the sluaghter was so great that the tide was turned red, and the waiting ships off shore were ordered to lower their flags to half staff.

"Above and Beyond the call of duty" seems to apply to just about everyone that assaulted Normandy on that day. Be it the Airborne, the Brittish, Canadians or the French Commandos. The French resistance conducting sabotauge, there are stories a plenty of valor, heroism, and sacrafice. Compared to my own meager efforts, I doubt that I will ever measure up to these men who bravely marched off into history. I can not imagine the sheer force of will it would have taken to fight that day, and frankly I don't want to. Today they have SAPI plates which doubtless would have save hundreds if not thousands of lives that day. They have advanced medicine that makes the standard of the day pale in comparison. Even the weaponry of today, far more leathal, ironically, makes a slaughter like Omaha beach far less likely.

Till this country fades to dust there will always be a specal place of reverance for those brave men. I only find it sad that people do not know what this day means. That the sheer horror of this day is not drilled into every school child is such that i find incomprehensible. Perhaps that is why our skin is not as thick, and why we are so worried about what the world thinks. People have short memories, but this soldier will remember always!

It was also Organization Day for IACH (Irwin Army Comunity Hospital). The easiest way to explain it is "mandatory fun day". More often than not it is very manditory that you attend. Often times it is on a saturday, and you get to thinking "why did I have to give up my free time?" It's mostly geared towards families, and toward that end, single soldiers don't often like it. Lets face it you hang around these ugly mugs all day every day, unless you intentionally socalize with them you really don't give two shits and a handshake what their kids look like, or how fat their wives got after popping out the third fourth or fifth kid.

However, sometimes its *somewhat* fun. Today I enjoyed it *somewhat*. For the most part I was bouncing around trying to take pictures somewhere even close to Nicole's Of course that wasn't going to happen with my puny little L73. Its bad when you have camera envy. Be that as it may it wasn't all bad. I did manage to get some good pictures.

Aside from that I also enjoyed the whole dunking of the CSM in the dunktank. It took only one throw and in he went. After that there was the pie in the face. I stayed just long enough to see COL Merit get a nice big pie in the face. But can you blame me? It's all in good fun but somehow this is like the cosmic scales balancing out. That's why I love it so much.

Finally Erika. Well I baisically said "make a choice". What I ment was that I was tired of the whole "just friends" routine. I wanted her to make a choice and stick by it. She chose to wait. She wanted me to wait two years for her to finish school, and then she'd try dating me. Well guess what, not going to happen. If my happy ass doesn't get deployed right away, then I'll probably be getting the hell out of Kansas.

I wanted to make it very clear to her that if she wanted to take a break from dating period, good for her, but I'm not waiting around for her to make up her mind. I'm not really in the mood for that kind of crap. I went through enough wanting and waiting for Lisa, then Erika, Andrea and back to Erika again. Part of the problem is trust. She cut and run when the going got tough. In a way that's just what she did today. Like I said before, she made her choice and she's going to have to live with that.

Today was a strangly eventful day. Aside from a slight nightmare last night, when I woke up this morning I had no idea it would have been this eventful.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Second Chances.

It is strange. I usually think myself a forgiving man, but it is clear to me that recent experiences have left me feeling well at best jadded at wort cynical. I suppose looked at from the outside I wait till there is one wrong thing, and thats it. Ever since I got back and that whole mess happened, well I haven't trusted women as far as I could throw them. I don't think that this attatude is nessisarily wrong either. To date a lot of women in my life have proven untrustworthy.

Just the day before yesterday I had a mid-sized (not long not short) conversation with an old aquaintance (won't say who) but it caused me to re-evaluate myself, what had happened with Lisa and all that. The running therory is that Lisa's personality is the fast and fancy free. It was insinuated that she is looking for a free ride, and always has. That "a person like that doesn't change overnight". I'd pretty much done everything up to and including blaming myself, cursing everyone that was in love and all that jazz. In the end I had to let go of all that.

Then it was Lisa herself that said something that kind of took me aback. "I may not be dating you but I'm still your friend." and that the reason she hadn't been talking to me was that she was hoping I'd forgive her. Somehow despite it all she still hopes I approve of her. How odd.

And finally there is Erika. I seem to be in that "just friends" mode but at the same time the things she says to me would make most folks with a platonic relationship a little nervous (or excited depending on the case). Just when I start to give up hope (and that whole tumor stunt was pulled) She starts getting into it. It's really weird. One second she wants all these All-American dreams, the next she is just a friend and I can get the time but that's about all. Serously its enough to make a guy's head spin.

Look ladies no matter what we guys say yes we love that you over complicate things, because you often help us see things in a different light, but for the love of all things HOLY why can't you keep it simple?!? I have suffered more headaches in the past seven months because women are so Damed incomprehensible!!! There's no rhyme or reason, no logic and above all no acountability. That's probably why women bother me so much haha.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Laying the skelitons to rest.

This is one of those skelitons I really do want to lay to rest. Look I know the whole story is pretty old by now. The simple fact that it is still out there, and that no one has printed anything contrary really bothers me. I want to make it very clear that Craig was NOT, I repeat very clearly NOT on 24 hour duty. Having talked to Willie-bo, who was if anything his best friend, he was trying to explain COP security, explaining that they had to maintain security 24 hours a day.

He was not going out on a 24 hour mission, and he HAD gotten sleep the night before. He was more awake than I was! I explained it all in "My Side". Here's what bothers me the most about it all. After this good man was killed by an EFP, he somehow became a rally cry for anti-war protests. HOW DARE THEY!?!? You have no idea what it was like reading that after he had died. It tore into me. I had already blamed myself for his death, and the fact that his family was in a way laying yet more blame, that self loathing seemed justified. You have no idea what that did to my self esteem. Worse it was not even a month later and Harrelson died.

James "Spanky" Harrelson. After Craig died I made an effort to get to know him. I felt guilty that I didn't know Craig as well as i would have liked, and even more guilty that the last thing I had said to him was "hurry up and die" in referance to company of heroes.

Harrelson was a truly gentle soul. His death, and the wounding of the four in that truck, cut into me even deeper. I blamed myself to no end. Hearing that Harrelson had been alive, and had burned to death. . . look I'm not Superman. In my mind I failed them. I became as depressed and it is only recently that I have started to forgive myself. I took the first step e-mailing Harrelson's Uncle. I want to apollagize somehow.

One of these days I will offer to tell Craig's family exactly what happened that day. I will give them the choice how much detail they want. I'd like to just leave it as "he died a hero". He died a better man than I. Harrelson, to having just turned 19. Better men there are not.

Hunter or Hunted?

In war, politics, or any other event that requires conflict, there will always be a choice. Will you be the agressor or the defensive. Both have their merits in certain situations. A small force can not hope to win against a large force that is agressive. Likewise a large force that is defensive to a fault, has no hope of winning because they lack the nessisary gumption stamina or whatever else to take an objective. You can not win if you do not take risk.

So now the question is one that this country is struggling with now. Where do you draw the line? When have you bitten off more than you can chew? And when are either the "Hawks" or the "Doves" right, or wrong? The comming general election will determine what will happen. On one side you have one of the most liberal senators in US history, a one time senator that has somehow had an amazing rise to power, or an old vetran, that is plain spoken, and had experience that most of us would rather not even think about.

As for me the choice is very clear. Having to implemnt policy Senator McCain's policy of stopping judicial activism, his clear way to reach out and build bridges. While his not supporting the "New" GI bill is a bit troubling, it is also clear that he had sound finacial reason not to. I would far more trust a CiC that has litterally borne the horrors of war (having survived BOTH the USS Forrestal fire, and 6 FREAKING YEARS in the Hanoi Hilton). I know that he WILL have my best intrests at heart because in the end Vets know Vets.

Monday, June 2, 2008


Ok i've said it once and I'll say it again TORNADOS FREAK ME THE F**K OUT!!!

Today I woke up at oh dark thirty for a UA (piss test) well my dumbass had already pissed so i drank all the gatorade and augua i could stomach and about half way through the line i had to go make brownies, drop the kids off at the pool, take the browns to the super bowl IE i had to take a crap. and having to go 1 and 2 and HOLD it really sucks. so clear skies when i went into the UA, and I go out wanting nothing more than to sit on my porcelin throne, when of all thing golf ball sized HAIL starts comming down.

I'm not about to stick around BN unless i absoultly have to, so getting pelted by big ol chuncks of ice, i ran to my room, a task made more difficult by the aformentioned need to comune with nature. Anyway i relive myself and oh do i feel good. I take my boots off and lay down and enjoy the warmth of my bed, when all the sudden the siren goes off. I look at the clock and when i realize its not noon i get this sudden feeling of dread. I call Up my squad leader and ask him "is that the 'for real' siren" "yup, you better come down to the basement." so I start waling over there, and the sky is almost black as night, and i see all sorts of cloud movements that just don't seem normal to me (I'm from Cali we don't have tornados). And then I have to go back and get the guy living across the hall

The siren kept going off making me feel like i was under attack, and really when you see clouds like that you get this nasty ominous feeling. and there were folks saying i had to get down into the basement which was jam packed full of people and in another life was a fall out shelter for when the bombs from russia or wherever else fell on poor fort Riley.

But I couldn't go down there. The sirens, the sky the bunker, it was all a little too much for me to take, and in the end I actually felt more comfortable OUTSIDE or close to it than I did anywhere near that basement. The lightnign struck overhead and i was having a hard time staying in the here and now, i heard a woman talking in a slightly raised voice not hysterical but wanting to know what was going onand clearly ignorant. I wasn't able to stay in the here and now in that kind of company so I had to go outside with the smokers. I don't smoke, so I just sat there away from them, staring at the slowly lightening clouds.

It took a long time, longer than it had to. The CSM wouldn't let us go until the Emergency Ops Center gave the all clear (eerily like Iraq) and we waited and waited. By the time the all clear was given it was clear that there was no need to stay inside. I don't want to say i paniced, but my hand was definatly shaking, and it was really hard for me to even think about the idea of an actual tornado touching down on me in my sleep.

I suppose all is well that ends well but today was a stark reminder that, Yes Toto we ARE in kansas. The whole thing is very unsettling, and i don't know why. but one thing is for sure I'll be asking around next time i hear that siren.


I was just banging around and watching the very latest in the news online, Which for me is a bit of a switch, having avoided all the "news" channels like the plague. Honestly I don't know when all the news outlets became a liberal gossip rag, but it's like watching the political version of E!. I honestly don't care if one guy or another says one thing or another, and since I'm not a democrat I couldn't give two shits and a handshake WHO wins the DNC convention.

But then I heard something truly disturbing to me. Sen. Obama actually would visit with the Iranian president. He actually defended that position. At first I thought it was some sort of joke, and then it went further to say that he believed that America was a symbol of oppression in certain parts of the world, and that the Star Spangled Banner should be changed to be "less war like" I was absolutely flabbergasted.

So I honestly want to know. How can ANYONE defend some of the positions he has. He is advocating talking to a cold calculating murder. Lest everyone forget that the know how and, material for making EFPs comes from the Iranian "Revolutionary Guard". Insurgent elements like Badr Brigade, and Jaysh al-Mahdi, and god alone knows how many others are funded taught, and supplied by Iran. I don't know the exact stats and to be honest i really don't care. Every time I think about it, i see Craig's body, and i hear that awful sound as he tried (in vain) to breathe.

As for people seeing the American flag as a symbol of oppression I bet Dollars to Denars that the number that see it as a symbol of freedom, hope and opportunity far outweigh the number that see it as oppressive. Look at EVERY major disaster outside the Continental US, and you'll see Americans there, like Johnny on the spot ready willing and able to aid anyone that asks. Myanmar, and China wouldn't let us, in, but you bet we'd have been fast roping SAR teams if they'd given us the green light. hell there's folks out here that LIVE for that kind of mission.

Whats worse is that dislike of the current President's policies has allowed people to get elected that have their heads shove so far up their asses that all they smell is shit. Honestly How can you really know whats going on if you sit comfortable in Washington DC, and never get off your kester and go forth and find out for yourself.

What really bothers me, what absolutely disturbs me, is not the fact that some fool is saying this, nor the fact that it is only getting moderate attention from the mainstream media, no what really bothers me is that people actually agree with it. Its like watching lemmings all marching off over a cliff. I do not honestly know HOW any nation on earth could survive if its leaders have their heads up their asses.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Grim Acceptance

For the record I never liked being alone. Feeling like an outcast since i was a kid, well the one thing I have always wanted is to belong. My whole life people tell me I'm special, I'm great, I'm all that and a bag of chips, what have you. But being "better" is not really a better way to be. You are always apart, very aware of just how different you are. You laugh at the wrong places, and don't get the jokes that have everyone in tears. You get taken advantage of and are thought to be Gullable. You get called "the dumbest smart person" and though you try, you'll NEVER just be one of the guys.

Affections are taken too lightly, oddities are taken too serously, and always the feeling of well strangeness, will doom any relationship. No matter how you hope, no matter how you pray or outright beg, no one will stay with you and no one will ever understand. This is what it means to be "special" this is what my life is like, always has been like. I am loved by many, but none, none can ever penatrate to the lonely place where the whispers are They'll leave you eventually. You'll be alone in the end. True to form most often just because of the way things work out I end up very much alone, always looking over my shoulder wishing I could go back.

This latest Debacle with Erika has collapsed the last fleeting hope I had that, even if it wasn't her, it was possible. But now I'm lead to one inescapable conclusion. I am alone. I always have been, I always will be, and the time has come and gone when i had a chance to be happy. Now I just have to accept my fate and admit to myself as much as anyone else that tis is the way it is.

ever since my first tour in Iraq, I had a sneaking suspicion that i would not live long enough to have a wife or family. As time went on that suspicion became an obsession, and finally a desperation. I am now sure that come what may I will not live long enought to see the day when I have either wife or kids. I suppose it's sad. To watch your dreams be crushed by reality, No man should have to burry their dreams, but as does so often happen the "real" world has many demands, and we must all march to the tune that therest of the world sets.

Today I went to Quanico supplies. It's great for all the folks that are "gear queers" or those guys that have all sorts of shit in their kit they'll never realistically use. You know that Quartermaster that has a PAS13 (thermal sight) on his M-4 (you know, the dumb schmuck that still hasn't figgured out that thermals don't work too well durring the day). While I was in there I began thinking like I was about to go again, and I felt strangly more comfortable getting peices of kit then I do getting new jeans. So while i was looking as some very nicly priced pistols, I sighed and realized that no matter how much I may want to be different, this is who I am.

I suppose Mureen O'hera said it best in Rio Grande. When the LTC's son asked his estranged wife about what his father was like, she said he was a very lonely man, her son replied that he was said to be a great soldier, to which she replied, that "its hateful duty that makes him such a great soldier, an such a lonely man"

I was born different, I was born "special", and though I hate it, and rebelled against this distinction, at the end of the day I will always be alone. Thank God I have so much strength of charictor, because I doubt many others could have delt with such soul crushing lonlienss for their whole lives.