Thursday, November 1, 2007

Slow Recovery

It's not easy moving on. If it weren't for the constant Txting of my friends I'm not sure how well I'd do. Strange as it may seem, this event which should seem consequential compared to all the suffering and death I've witnessed should have been just another thing to add to my list of disapointments. I will not speak ill of Lisa, nor do I allow my friends to. It seems odd. Most in my situation would curse her, and call her all sorts of names. I don't think I could be mad at her if I tried, Just hurt. Even though she has a perfect rationalle from her point of view, it still feels like a betrayal. I suppose i can not fault her. Someone is there and offering her love, where as I have so much doubt and uncertanty it's hard to love me even in the best of times let alone when you're filled with doubt and uncertanty yourself.

The raw pain is slowly abating. It's hard to think that I'll be able to feel good again, but for a few moments today I forgot my hurt. It's funny, if I didn't have my cell some of this wouldn't have happened, and yet, if it weren't for my cell, than I'd have simply sunk into an unconsolable depression. I was very near simply checking myself into the hospital. I had never in my life serously considered suicide. I had always said that it was only cowards that took that rout, but the pain became so great I could barely do anything.

Halloween was painful because images of her in the halloween costume she describbed, and knowing I not only wouldn't see it but that after whatever party she went to. . . well it sux to have an active imagination. I simply couldn't bare to get dressed up and go out because thinking about Halloween just made me think of her. Even seeing little kids running around trick-or-treating didn't improve my mood, and I love kids.

Katie, is a good person, and I really do appriciate that she holds her tounge more than she normally would. Her scathing comment about Lisa while often delivered with far more spite than I could

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