Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Changeless

Change is good. Well at least change is change. It seems like all around the world is changing. In the world of politics there is soon going to be a change of leadership that could radically alter the way the country does business (not always a good thing) and the ones that once seemed not to have a chance now at least have an honest shot. Still the mud slinging and political grand standing is such that I simply can not stomach the bile that is being spewed out.

The Army is changing too. I’d like to say for the better but judging from the new privates coming into the army. Not so much. Still it is nice that units like the WTU (Warrior Transition Unit) have formed up to take care of soldiers that are sick or have serous problems. But let’s face it, it seems a little late for it all. And moving to this unit was different at first but it looks like I’m right back into the whole formations twice a day, accounting for me every five seconds. The very thing that has me burnt out from the army. Let’s face it since I’ve gotten back I’ve had to be accounted for almost every second of every day.

In the personal scene. . . Nicole is happy with her boyfriend yay. (It’s too bad typed blogs can’t really convey sarcasm like my voice can.) Lisa is pregnant (and if you want to talk about opening a can of worms ask me how I feel about THAT one) My soldier’s angel Marrisa is happy (despite her latina insecurities) with her new bf. Good thing she never tells him some of the things she tells me (“I want to have his babies” would make most guys flinch just a bit after three months) Patrick (my brother) is doing some kind of comic book (that one took me completely by surprise) Dad is remodeling the house, and mom is doing her church thing. . Gary and Tracy are screwing like rabbits but despite the neurotic habits they BOTH have, they are happy with each other, and Gary is stepping up well with his role as de facto father, even though the girls are not only a handful but a whole house full so to speak.

What bothers me the most about all this is simply put. . . Everyone is having a life, continuing their lives or is in some way shape or form moving on. I feel like I am standing still, watching people go on about their lives as if it were some bizarre drama. I mean if I didn’t know any better I’d say I was a spectator in my own live. It feels almost voyeuristic when I’ve had sex lately. Like it’s someone else and my mind is just along for the ride. I’m not even really enjoying it too much and yet I still do it.

Today I actually had two different women say “I love you” and even though there were days I’d have killed to hear a woman, any woman really, say that I felt nothing. I didn’t care. I know one of these women is the type that I wanted to end up with, any yet when she talks to me I don’t feel the love that just a few weeks ago I felt so strongly. I know that there should be something, but simply put I don’t really feel anything anymore.

The fact that I’d managed to sleep with a brown card (military dependant) and felt nothing is troubling. Especially because it was one of the things I vehemently swore I’d never do. And yet once it was over I felt no shame. No connection, nothing. If any of my friends were to read this I suppose they’d be troubled.


Truth is that I really have nothing good to report. I called Jessica, the one person who is having the same problem with stagnation that I am. Even though her political views could be said to be far left, and often we disagree on a lot of things, we’ve always had a connection, and understood each other. I loved her once, though I’d never tell her. Anyway to make a long story short I told her about my life, and it sounded like she was almost on the edge of tears. I suppose it was simply how I said it. Truth is even if she’s in Oregon, and is definitely in the opposite extreme as far as political view point goes, that moment of connection was enough to keep me sane for right now.

I used to say “it could be worse” but every time I did, I usually hit what I thought was rock bottom. But each time I’ve hit rock bottom, I manage to sink deeper. Now that WTU has become a purgatory much the same as Rear D was, well the status quo continues, and I hate it. I’ve past the point where it feels like a downward spiral, now it feels more like strait down, and the fact that even making a connection for a moment is something I’m not even desperate for, should worry me.

I should be doing so many things, I should feel SOMETHING. But I don’t. I have nothing really to report, no forward movement, no upward movement, not ray of hope, and the sad truth is I don’t. Here I stand, a spectator, watching life go on by me. People moving so fast they could almost be a blur, and as I look around people are having lives and are if not happy at least able to move forward and change. I can only hope that the day will come that I have something worth while to say about MY life and not the lives of others.

1 comment:

KD said...

You know, life tends to feel that way the longer you stay in one place. It begins to stale and stagnate until you begin to really not want it any more. I'm not saying that you are in one place, but that maybe soon you can make a change that will bring some peace. Maybe if/when you decide to leave the Army. I know how you tend to get these thoughts anyway, but I also know that I wish I could say to my self when I get depressed and despondent that at least I'm helping people. I can't say that--you can. I wish you peace, Michael, and I wish you happiness and love, and I hope you experience something blindingly beautiful tomorrow. I know I'm a terrible friend and always have been in the (what, 6 or 7) years we've known each other, but I know that you know that I care about you more than I show in my actions. Cheers, luv, and I pray for you often!