Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Compare and contrast.

So here are the women in my life retroactively back to Lisa.





So here's the point. Looking back on my life, there are a lot of things that can be said. Each of these women I loved in my own way. Lisa and Jessi seem to have this strange place in my personal history. The romances between me and them where short lived intense and left me broken when it was over. Jessi more so because more than passion, I felt truly happy with her. There were so many times, that I thought about just running to her and begging for her back. but I couldn't her judgment of me would be so terrible that even if it were mild scorn it would be like thunder from heaven. It doesn't help that both are intrinsically linked to my second tour.

Helen. . . God what do I say about Helen. I really wanted to make things work with her but I never matched her glossed up view of life. I will understand her inner workings better than I think any man ever will, and she is the only person that I turned to. My first tour I told her everything, and at some level I'd always loved her, and she me. That she could leave so easily hurt more than I could explain. That she is now happy and enjoying the new man, that she is bubbly about and has all the things she wanted, somehow doesn't sit well with me. What can I say?

Now Liz. This is a bit hard to explain. Instant connection, but problems. She has health issues up the yin yang, and she really wants the whole nine yards. Namely she has babies on the mind, marriage, and I am the one she wants. Its really humbling to know that someone wants me so much but I'm not sure that she wants me or my. . . um stuff. well you know I guess that it doesn't really matter in the end.

What do all these women have in common? For one moment they all offered me a glimpse of a dream. The vision of something to come home to, family, love. I don't know what happened along the way. How all of that lead to more scaring than before. Being alone seems somehow too unbearable to continue to contemplate, but really what future can I provide. I am a soldier. I am a loner, and more than that, I can't really relate more than 90% of America anymore. Everyone seems so god damned spoiled, and promiscuous. When "Snookie" is one of the most recognizable celebrates, a shallow vapid woman who is probably so disease ridden that having any form of contact would probably either make you retarded or make your dick fall off. There is no growth, there is no greater understanding. In fact quite the opposite.

So what do you out there you, whoever you are, what do you think?

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