Thursday, April 19, 2012

Getting Out.

Q: How is the army like Sex?
A: The closer to Discharge you get the better you feel.

April 29th 2009.  Oh man I thought I could walk on water.  My last day in the Army.  I'd already picked up my clearing papers, I was detected from my unit, and took one last chance to look around the post, one last time to visit the PX before I drove out the gate next the the Airfield, got on I-70 and began the long trek back to my home town of San Diego.   I drove for at least five hours before I even thought of taking my uniform off, but as everything was packed up that wouldn't work.  I still had my Barret in the passengers seat of my car, as if I might get out on post.  The freedom was going to my head and seeing as no one was really in western Kansas I took the opportunity to find a deserted road and see what my Stang really could do.  I chickened out at 130, but DAMN what a ride!

I drove all day, from roughly noon when I left Fort Riley till about 2100 (woops 9 PM) When I finally got a Hotel room for the night.  It wasn't until I got into the Hotel room that I took off my uniform.  For approximately 3 more hours I was still, technically a soldier.  I didn't pop my boots right away.  I didn't rip off my top, and throw it into a ball on the bed as I used to in the barracks.  I just sat there for a long while, delaying as long as I could the moment when I finally took my uniform off for the last time.  I finally got around to it, and I don't think I ever took more care taking a uniform off.  I laid it out on my Hotel bet and just stared at it.  No longer would I wear the craptastic Barret or worry about my crotch ripping out of my ACUs.  I wouldn't have to worry about oil getting all over my tan boots on motor pool Monday.  I wouldn't have to deal with PAs who think they're God, or Officers who remind you of their rank every chance they get.  No more NCOs that think if I'm not trying to go to Ranger School or Airborne or SFAS then I'm not worthy to trim their short hairs.  None of that.

But I also wouldn't ever have anyone call me Doc again.  People wouldn't stop and look at me with admiration when I walked down the street.  I wouldn't have my Brothers and Sisters that I could depend on for anything.  I even started to miss that PFC with a serious under-bite and a massive case of cranial-anal insertion.  The one who pissed me off nearly to the point of violence.  I was actually going to miss that son of a bitch?  No way.  And then it hit me.  My views on Serving were always going to be ambigious.  I had loved being a Line Dog, until I lost guys, then it tore me to pieces.  I had hated being in the WTB, and loosing a woman I had already started making plans to marry, but it got my life back on track, and reminded me that I was still alive.

All these things flashed through my mind as I removed my black pin on CMB.  I laughed a bit when I thought about the time I lost my dammits and the thing stuck into my chest.  I remembered when LTC Walker pinned it on me in the 225th FSB Bn conference room because there was a Hawaiian rainstorm outside.  I opened up the left shoulder pocket and pulled off my lucky Smart Ass tab that I picked up at Camp Buering, in my own little display of rebellion I had worn it literally every day I wore ACUs, though underneath where it wouldn't be seen.  I pulled off the Big (Black) One, smiling how I swore to myself after MG Batiste had screwed me out of an award on my first tour that I would never fall under them again.  I removed the U.S. Army, and the nametape that said Bailey, and stuck them together, then moved to the Specialist rank.  I still remembered Charlie Battery 2/11 FA giving me "blood rank" at FOB Dibbis.  Back when we wore DCUs, the whole battery had lined up to shake my hand then pound the two metal disks into my clavicles.  The worst had been the PA who had made like he was going to slam me, and smiled when I flinched then lowered his hand to rub them in.  I realized that if I told that story again people wouldn't get the pride, and even Joy I felt when I used my Gerber to pull the rank out of my skin.  I removed the Eletric Strawberry and smiled at the fond memories, of the Pride I felt having been a part of the first combat formation to go to war from the 25th since Vietnam.  About the drive from Camp Virginia to Kirkuk.  How I had missed the superbowl, and how I had once dreamed of being a Ranger, and how my Platoon Sergeant smoked the dog shit out of me every time I couldn't recite the Ranger Creed.

Lastly I removed the flag.  I had had this one flag that I had rotated from uniform to uniform.  It was dirty and frayed, and somehow that had more character to it.   I don't think people, perhaps not even my own family except my dad could understand the pride I felt wearing that flag every day.  If there was some nobility in sacrifice, I had been prominently displaying my willingness to step up and display that noble trait.  And now that was all over.  The missions would go on.  The guys would go out.  But without me.  My war was over.

I stared at that uniform until midnight.  It was official at that moment that one of the most important parts of my life was gone just like that.  The euphoria was gone and not I had to face the future.  Sitting in my skivvies I slowly folded my uniform, reverently as if saying goodbye to a friend.  In a way I was.  The Army is a family.  It has to be or no one would stay in.  I would be alone, I would have to forge my own destiny, without people easily able to recognize my merit, or understand my worth.  The great things I had once done would never be understood by anyone that had never been there, I was more alone now then ever I felt in Iraq.  Where else could a 19 year old nobody have done half the things I had done.  Who but the movers and shakers could understand what it is like to physically shape history with my own hands and actions?  It was a long time before I got to sleep.

The next day I  picked up my dad in Denver, we saw the sights in Avon Colorado, then moved on to Vegas.  Buddy, let me tell you, I had no problem dropping a good portion of my separation check there.  I hadn't been this free to go hog wild in years.  Back When, if I could have chosen my homecoming, it would have been in Vegas.  I smoked a cigar that cost $50 bucks, and almost cried when it was done (it was that good), had Whiskey that was old enough to drink itself, a Steak so tender you could cut it with a fork and so succulent that I didn't know who was drooling more me or the steak, and a former Raiders cheerleader doing her best to make me spend a little more of my hard earned cash.  All of those would be great.  At the same time?  I must've been in Valhalla.  I actually got a kick out of my dad having actual intelligent conversations with some of the strippers, him being both Officer and Gentleman.  To top the night off I won $200 bucks at the Billagio then spent that all on booze.  I don't have a clue how I got back to my hotel room but I had a shit eating grin the whole night.  Somehow though I don't think people would understand why.  

I was all smiles when I finally got home and thank God my parents had a plan to keep me busy because to be honest had I been allowed to languish over the summer I would have thought about what I had lost.  I would have thought about the future, and I would have wondered how I could possibly live a life worthy of the sacrifices of those around me. 

Civilians do not understand the isolation that Veterans feel.  How can they?  What possible comparison can they make in their life to what its like to do even a peacetime hitch in the Army, let alone go to war.  I have nine medals and ribbons for 6 years.  Even explaining an ARCOM or an AAM is grating, or why I take so much pride in a piece of ribbon and brass.  They can't understand how I laugh at the ASR out mandatory Gay Pride awareness ribbon.  To them its just a bunch of pretty colors.  To me it is quite literally blood sweat and tears.  Nor can I easily explain what the CMB is, let alone how much that little badge means.  Long after I am gone, I will still be apart of 225th Brigade Support Battalion's history, being one of the first in that unit to receive a combat badge of any kind.  Long after I have gone to senility I will still have been recorded on the rolls, of 2-16 in the hellish time that was the Surge.  With all that in mind, is it any wonder so many civilians just don't "get" me?


MikeyB said...

Oh we know well and good why the shit eating grin. Thank you for your service and I hope you relish the memories.

Oh Hell said...

Thank You for Your Service! You will still be "Doc" to the people that matter the most to you. {{{Hugs}}}
A Soldiers' Angel in CO.

Midori said...

What a terrific piece. Thank you for your service -- and I do mean that -- and for taking the time to write this piece.

Jerry said...

Thanks for you service.
Awesome piece of writing.
PS: Brought back the decades old memory of driving out the front gate for the last time at Davis-Monthan. Very mixed emotions, glad to be out after 6 years, but sad at the same tiem for the loss. You hit the nail on the head with this fine blog!
Again, thanks for your service

Radar said...

Great post, brings back memories of my last day and signing out at Fort Huachuca. Recently noticed that my Blues are still in the back of the closet with awards attached - even after all these years.

Anonymous said...

When I got out in 1971, I was pretty happy except that it occurred to me I was going to be a civilian.
That seemed to be not such a good thing.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for serving and thanks for reminding me of the day I drove out the gates of Fort Richardson and freedom. 25 years ago and yet it feels like yesterday now that you have me thinking about it. You captured the multitude of feelings very well. Again, thanks.

Anonymous said...

Thank You for Your service. That being said the answer to your last question is no. 10 years from now you will look at a bag of ACUs and say I don’t need these any more, 20 years later your dress uniform will still be on the last hanger in the back of the closet juts in case…