The Baghdad Blowout.

If you have a mission you've gotta do what you gotta do.  It doesn't matter if you are tired.  Or Sick.  Or ready to shit yourself.  Wait what?  Yes.  There will come a time that you are on the QRF, and either the MRE's are getting ready to come out in solid brick form, or you've just gotten a bad case of Sadam's Squirts, You get up to go to the porta john when suddenly your PSG or LT comes running up saying "We gotta go!"  Brother you sure do.  But you run back to your truck, or run out on foot, either way as you're running you're not thinking about the possible snipers or IEDs the thoughts going through your head is repetitive

"Oh God!  Please don't let me shit my pants"

So as you're running along you start running funny.  One of the guys in your squad looks at you funny but doesn't say anything.  All you can feel is the tickle, or the growing pressure on your rectum as each step puts pressure on your abdomen, and you feel inexorably drawn toward a blowout.  You know its coming you know they can't really stop the mission because you have to shit. . . it may take a second or it might be the second before it happens, but "Oh crap, I'm going to shit myself" runs through your mind.

If you're lucky and your objective is nearby, and you happen to be in a city you might duck into a house to relieve yourself.  If you're in the middle of a highway securing an IED site. . . Screw it you gotta go.  You might open a door for privacy or just drop trow and go at it.  Taking a tactical dookie is an experience you just really can't describe.  How do you throw your ass to the wind and un-clench enough to let it out.    Its a talent friends.  Trust me. 

But for some of our intrepid soldiers there is neither a spot, or time to drop trow.  Sadly they are about to suffer what has commonly been called the Baghdad Blowout.  Much like the OIF it'll be explosive, brown and pretty shitty.  If our poor troop went commando, that blowout is now going to pool in his boots, after smearing its way down the entirety of his pants, probably painfully obvious as to what just happened.  If he was wise enough to wear skivvies, then the Blowout might've been contained, but if he was extremely watery, or POMA ("Pissing Out My Ass") that may not really do much, and dookie congealed with sweat will make for a very miserable Joe indeed.  It it was mush, well that would also be a problem, but for very different reasons. 

That lucky troop that wore skivvies might be able to duck somewhere and toss them, thus minimizing the unpleasantness.  But there is always that one poor soul that really the Gods have cursed.  Now here we can even throw in another poor troop, who, did not in fact suffer the Baghdad Blowout, but did fall into a shit trench.  In both cases this poor soul is now covered either in his shit or someone else's and is truly one miserable troop.  Well you can always take the approach of one desperate LT I knew.  Take it off.  all of it.  I mean your dick flap will cover your twig and berries, so. . . why not.  Its been done.

No doubt when you get back to the FOB or COP you'll run, perhaps screaming, to the nearest water can and dump it on yourself, just remember here, water can one handle gas can three.  Wouldn't want to compound the embarrassment you already have by you dousing yourself in JP8.  I know this episode was probably painful for you.  Just remember that it will be nothing compared to the million times it will br brought up.  Again.  And again. . . and again. . . and again.  Congratulations Private Poopy Pants, you've just become the subject of many many jokes at your expense, but that's life in the Infantry.  Gotta love it!