The Kim dynasty has been going strong since September 1948 (that’s 65 years for anyone that’s counting) and every iteration from Kim Il-sung to our most recent Kim Jong Un, have done everything possible to piss off the world. What’s truly amazing is despite the fact that in any other nation we’d probably call these guys royal fuck ups, they somehow still get called 위대한 수령 or “Great Leader”. How have they pissed off the world? Let me count the ways.
Thankfully they’re a dynasty, not immortal (despite having titles to that effect) and in 1994 we got a new Kim, Kim Jong Il. Despite some rousing renditions of “I’m so ronry” he was even more bat shit crazy than his dad. He developed submarines that would routinely try to sneak into ROK and steal stuff (in the process get caught on reefs and sink) launch artillery in the general direction of ROK, and generally starve the shit out of the DPRK so he could maintain his million man army. Realizing that his people were getting shorter than their southern cousins, he wondered “how can I get food for my army without actually growing it?” Why develop nukes of course! We’re not sure if he got help from Pakistan, stole the technology from America or just downloaded plans off the internet, but it’s pretty clear that despite assurances that he wasn’t developing Nukes, he really did.
Then another Glorious Leader dies and we’re left with his third son, Kim Jong Un running things (apparently the eldest son was disgraced after trying to go to Disney land on a fake passport). Kim Jong Un apparently went to school in the West, his classmates completely unaware that “Lee” was destined to become the tyrannical dictator of a country, and head of the fourth largest standing army in the world. He’s only been in office since December 2011, but in that time he’s managed to, in no particular order; piss off ROK by firing artillery shells at one of their islands, knock up his wife, given a rousing speech about “final victory”, managed to “disappear” all the leaders close to his father that were supposed to groom him for leadership, meet Denis Rodman, and tell Obama to call him (or piss off we’re not sure which).
So here’s what we all need to do. Calm Down. DPRK can’t keep up the rhetoric, and keep up the “super army” it thinks it has, because they literally can’t feed their people. Yes they do have a million man army. The Korean DMZ has ten times that many land mines. They may be able to cause a lot of damage to Seoul with their tens of thousands of artillery tubes, but they would just as quickly find very accurate and lethal counter-battery fire from ROK and US forces. Sure they have an impressive Air Force, but all their Jets are from the 70’s. The ROK Air Force has the latest and greatest America has to offer, and they know how to use it. Their “Navy” amounts to a bunch of patrol boats that use old WWII tank turrets as their main gun. ROK had all sorts of neat toys we helped them develop.
Kim Jong Un can’t launch a war without potentially losing all of his power, and he can’t fight anyone without support from China, which they won’t give because they stand to lose a lot more than DPRK does. He will try (comically) to goad America and its allies into launching a war, so he can rally his people to the glorious victory, but we all know starving people aren’t going to be up for a serious war. Kim DPRK’s whole economic plan was to leech off the world while threatening war. If we’re not giving them anything they’re literally screwed because they have nothing to fall back on. Let him spin in his hamster wheel. If he tries anything we will wipe the floor with him. He may be Kim Jong number Un in his book, but to us he’s just another fat kid who wants to play with the big boys.