*sigh*

I really haven't had the heart to write for a long while.  There's been a number of reasons for that.  One is that I had been spending most of my time (at the time) looking for jobs.  The desperate search for work really puts a strain on you and doesn't leave you feeling motivated to write about. . . well anything.  And then there was the whole living situation.  Again, admitting you were living in your fiancé's parent's basement is not something any adult male really wants to admit to.

Now. . . I have to admit that it's over.  Whatever future I had hoped for, whatever plans I'd had, half formed or otherwise are gone.  My fiancé told me in a very mater of fact way that the way things were she couldn't marry me.  The worst part for me is that it seemed from my end to be very suddenly.  Just a week previous we'd had a long talk and we were (I thought) somewhat hopeful about the future.  I was working a temporary job true, but there were more offers on the way and I was going to get my EMT license. . . hopefully that would lead to Paramedic or something along those lines.

I thought things were getting better.  From her end she thought things were getting worse.  The perception of me taking advantage was one that I'd started to try to counter act, but she didn't want to be playing nurse maid to me reminding me of things, essentially being my mother.  I suppose I can see what she meant.  I've been on my own for most of my adult life and have had few mentors, and even fewer people to point out my habits that need to change.

I would have tried to keep going, tried a councilor, really anything to keep the relationship going.  If I had known that it was close to the end, well, if wishes were fishes we'd all be fat.  I could extol all the virtues of our relationship, and all the reasons I had, and still have, to want to keep it going.  What would the point be?

The thing that took me by surprise was just how strongly this all hit me.  Within a few days I had panic attacks.  I couldn't stay still.  I began to cry at random times.  By cry, I mean completely break down into a blubbering mess.  The only thing that would keep me from being a complete wreck was walking all over Otsego county, and working out almost to a dangerous degree.  It did not endear me to her family.  I think her mother most of all had begun to despise me though she'd never admit it.

It all came to a head, I finished what I needed to finish and her father put me up in a motel near the Detroit airport for two days before I flew home.  Now I'm back at my old home.  Now I have to find a reason to keep going on.  I have to find a reason to keep pushing.

For so long I sucked it up and drove on.  This latest blow, was just a blow too many.   I'm not sure how I'll continue towards any semblance of a goal when the only reason I had to strive for that goal is gone.  I love her.  I doubt that matters.  She's made it clear she's moved on.  I really wish I knew what about me is so unloveable.