Pain and Morphine

For the record I do not like this Pancretitis pain i have. Whatever the cause is I don't freaking care I want it to stop once and for all, but more over I want a damm explination!!! I don't care if it's some excorsist crap I WANT TO KNOW!!! I am so tired of it, and for the life of me I wish I had never gotten out of the truck! I wish I had never been EVAC'd and I wish I'd never had this FUCKING PAIN!!!

So what is it? Well if you've ever seen Alien, think somewhere along those lines, move it down a bit so it's not actaully on the rib cage and you'll have a general idea what I'm talking about. It feels like something it going to explode (or already has) just below my chest between the arch formed by the rib cage. It hurts like hell and nothing, absolutly NOTHING makes it feel better.

For those of you out there that are in the medical profession, well the original diagnosis of Pancretitis (handed down at the CSH in Baghdad no less.) is apparently not entirely correct. Although what exactly it IS no one seems to have the slightest clue. They can tell me what it's NOT but not really what to do to fix it other than stay away from alcohol. Freaking great man.

So here's the story. I'd been moving stuff to a storage unit pretty much all day long. Thanks to whe whole mover thing, I had to have my room cleared out,so i spent pretty much two weeks getting almost no sleep and busting my ass the whole time. Well I was on the second to last load (slow going in a Ford Mustang) and I'd pretty much filled up my 5X5 storage unit.

anyway as I'm comming through the gate (Grant?) I was starting to feel it. It starts comming on slowly, and then hits you like a frieght train. Well I was half way across main post to the barraks by the hospital. and i was sweating like a politician on trial. I was starting to be unable to focus on anything but the pain. I was thankful I made it to the parking lot. I was going to go to the room and just curl up into a ball, and just try to let it pass, but i remembered at the exact moment i turned my car off that I was suppose to get my blood drawn if it happened again, so off to the ER I went.

they asked what was wrong I told them my story, and they asked what my symptoms were and I said lots and lots of pain. Looking back I think my ER in Darnell worked WAY better. Anyway they take me back, and three shots of IV Morphine later I was loopy as hell. Here's the funny thing, it didn't help. Actually Morphine doesn't get rid of the pain, it makes you not care about the pain. Anyway I was maxed out and it STILL wasn't helping. So long story short until it went away on its own. They released me once the labs came back as normal. I'd hate to think they think i wnet in there for morphine. The thing is i actually DON'T LIKE MORPHINE!!! I just want the pain to STOP!

It took my squad leader taking me back to my room high as hell. I was tripping all over myself and a group of people one building over were laughing asking if I was drunk. No I replied that i was really high. Haha. I came back to my room and just passed the hell out.

Midnight Intervention

Gary showed up at 1130. Guy was drunk as shit and distraut. He wouldn't tell me exactly what was wrong I found it slightly disturbing to have to deal with him. He wanted Kidwell to "finnish what we started in Iraq". That being getting into a fight that would end in homicide. baisically Gary wants out but he wants a lot of pain along the way.



What annoyed me most is that he actually swung at me while i was eating watermelon. Serously WHO DOES THAT?!?worse he went on to tell me things like "i saw three guys die at the CSH in front of me, you need to get over it." For a moment just a moment he crossed a very very dangerous line with me. I've gone beserk only three times in my life, but when that happens, well I really don't stop.

That's besides the point though. The real problem with Gary is that he wants attention, but he doesn't know how to ask for it. His relationship with Tracy was tourtured to say the least. Truth is I know they were incompatible from the beginning. Though he likes to play the strong man, the guy that doesn't need any help. An island untouchable by everything. The truth, however is far more complicated. He turns to his anger, and hides behind his talk. Do I think he could fight? Of course, but I also think that he does it for attention. In a strange way he actually feeds off the pain.

now what bothers me the most about this incident is I'm not sure entirely that Gary came here for the guy next door or if he came here for me. To be sure, there are a lot of things that he could have done to feel better, but his answer is usually to get so drunk he can barely walk. I on the other hand have not had a drink since i got back from leave. Not one drink. Of course He and Berta didn't believe me.

Anyway a long story short, his threatened violence never came, the MPs however did come, and he went without a fight, after explaining in long and rambling detail what all was going on. I had warned the MPs that there might be violence because he had been drinking, but for some reason there was neither violence or even a half hearted struggle. I think, in his own way Gary wanted this to happen. To be sure in his mind its probably for justification. "see Tracy, this is what you did to me" kind of thing. It's funny but after all the crap he's been through, he still wants to be with the woman that has done hime so much harm, that has torn him up inside.

Maybe that's why I can't turn him away. In the end, I feel some small empathy for him. In my own way i was where he was. I'm getting better now, but the scars are still there. I don't think he ever really thought he'd live long enough or meet a woman he'd actually want to spend time with. It's a shame that the one woman he wanted to get serious with (his non serious relationships are such that frivilous would be putting it lightly) would be a woman that has major imaturity issues of her own. I can not hate Gary, for all his swagger and disdain. I can't even hate him when he attacks me, because i see, had things been different, I would have become very much like him.

Deafening Silence

There is nothing in this world more terrible than silence. Not the whine of Rockets or the explosions. Not the screams of the wounded or the moans of the dying. There is nothing on this earth more terrible than silence. Nothing quite so terrible as the absence of anything. Why are we terrified of the dark? For the same reason the silence can be terrifiying. That absence, that abyss is full of all the terrors we do not have the courage to confront.

Even in my current state, I know well enough to know that people are trying to help, but nothing that is said or doen seems to penatrate this bleak despair that surrounds me. Not the tender words of a friend, or the harsh words of an adversary, both a treasure in their own way. And thus I stay in Silence. A state more terrible then any chaos I have thus endured. With only myself and a room full of physical reminders of pasts lost to me, and hope crushed, it is easy to see why my psyche has started to unravel in such an acelerated way.

I Find it more comfortable to sleep in the day, when there is life, but to do this I stay up at night, when the silence is at it's worst. I know that my pain will not accost me in the day. But at night when I am alone, I am full of fear. Fear at the anger disallusionment, and bitter distrust I now feel. As if all the tenderness has fled my heart and left only a bitter old man to hardened to weep for the beauty around him.

And now the silence is far too prevalent from those I once called "friend". I should be happy for Lisa. I know she has moved on, and has found happieness, but I am bitter still. This has lead to her too growing the ranks of the silent. Those that I wish oh so badly to say something, ANYTHING. In the end only the silence prevails, and with that comes the Voice of Despair.

"They have abandoned you" it whispers. "They have seen you are in pain and can not make their world right as you once did, and you are now useless to all." Worse is the thoughts that I deserve this. That I failed men that counted on me, I failed the women that loved me, so do i then deserve this? Do I deserve to be the wretch that I have become?

Turning Points

I am RTD. Return to Duty. For me this is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because although it will be hard I will finally get back into shape, and PT is a must. But it also meands that dark cloud hangs in the horrizon. Iraq. It has become an all consuming thought for me, and as one relatinship after another fails not only miserably but catastopically, it has me feeling depressed and in a way just wishing for the witing to end. I am so tired of waiting for that golden bullet, and that dam IED. i just wish it would hurry up and get my ass sometimes.

The thought of going back is both grim and terrifying at the same time. I can not help but see myself torn to shreds lying in some ditch somewhere. Worse the thought of the nebulous "Dark Side" I have. I have nightmares that would terrify people if they knew I had them. Terrible things happen to me and are done by me. The worst part of all. . . part of me, the sick twisted and demented part of me, actually ENJOYS this. It is scay. I've been told i have a "tender soul". The evil that is laden in the back of my mind is like a slow poison. Like shooting Alkali or acid into ones veins. I can almost feel the corrosive affects on my soul.

In other news, I have been in a low grade depression for a few days. Well that and I'm also slightly pissed off. You see Lisa, who has left so many hints that her BF is well shall we say not of a high calibur, or an ass or that she idn't love him that much, has done a complete 180 since he left. Hearing about her tearful goodbye has left me in such a state that i truly hate ALL women. I nearly borke my computer when i saw the IM she sent. Not one lear was shed when I left. Not a "I'll miss you so much". Nothing. In fact in a way she almost egged me on to go.

I can't explain why this should hurt so much. Why does it feel like a final betrayal? I have a therory but I am not a shrink, so i wouldn't know. The running thought is that well thoughts of the brief and (very) happy time we spent together were all that kept me going after Craig died. And when Harrelson died. . . well If it hadn't been for her, (and SFC Mays, who I owe a LOT to) I would have lost it and not been able to function.

The whole sortid affair has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I think about the last 7 months and I'm actually in awe that i didn't put a bullet in the brain pan (for referance you want to do the "Hitler shot" that is in the mouth pointed slightly upward towards the base of the skull. Relativly painless and takes out the Carebellum with is pretty much instant death). The disapointment failure, and desperate almost mad hope that I placed on each relationship made it that much harder to pich up the peices. How many times can you Glue a Vase back together before it's hoplessly smashed? So too is my heart.

Yesterday I had the simple phraise going through my head Liars, Cheats, ALL! And sadly over the last 7 months since my Evac, I have been proven right more often then not. I am so TIRED of being told how great a guy i am, and how some day I'll find the "one". WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!! If I am so great, why then am i not worth the effort to stay with? I have become suspicious to the point that personal motto on dating has become "if they actually want to be with you, they're Lying or they have a shit load of baggage."

First it was Lisa, then Erika, then in a small way Nicole, then Andrea and I'm so tired of it all!!! I miss the simplicity of the Mission. Do your job watch your sector and be prepaired to adapt. The sad part is there is no ROE with women. Anything goes, and usually it is from a selfish outlook on life that they relate to people. For example, if a guy were to "test the waters" as it were that's horrible, if a woman does that's expected. If she dresses like a slut goes to the clubs and rubs on a bunch of different guys that's just "having a good time". Never mind what the poor fool thinks when she does that. All the while they hold their sexuality over us poor wreched men, like a weapon. A tool to make us poor fools do what they please.

Want examples? Go to a bar. Any resaonably good looking woman (even the ones that aren't) will dress a certain way that advertises, and all sorts of guys will buy her drinks all night. Then she might thank him, but SHE is the one in control of the situation. For the love of god I want control just once. Is it too much to ask? I just want so badly to BELIVE in someone. Nicole would tell me that i have to have faith in the Big Guy. Erika would listen and tell me to cheer up then she'd ask "anything else" like i were at a drive up window, Katie (Combat Labtech) would say "Cheer up B" Smitty well, I think there are times she knows the place I'm at the best even though she always smiles and such. Chuck, well I'm not sure what he'd say but i don't liek bitching to him, and my guys, well, Jeff is the only one I'd tell all this shit too.

They say old soldiers never die, they just fade away. Honestly I just want to fade away. when I'm not raging at the world, I'm tired and worn out. This is not how people were ment to live and I am so tired of it. Why am I made to suffer this way. What sins have I commited that deserve such treatment?

Good News?

Most people say this is a good thing, but I have found out Andrea is NOT pregnant. Most would say "good news" or "your off the hook" things of that nature. In a way they are right. It will make things easier, this added burden could have broken me. It can only be said that there is a sense of relief in this revilation.

However part of me is saddened by this news. I think that there is a part of me that is crestfallen over this latest development. With the thought of an upcomming deployment, and a load of other things on my mind (like my last deployment, all the various Ex girlfriends that haunt my life et cetera) Part of me wanted to think that there would be something of me left should the worst happen. I can only wonder what to do about this latest development.

So. . . what now?

I had to see the Divion Psychiatrist today, but i nearly didn't make it. She had moved her "office" up to CTMC on the Hill, and i played it off as "I forgot and went to the wrong place". In actuality I hadn't slept the night before. It was mostly due to this highly addictive game called black and white 2. It's kind of a cross between ages of empires and simcity, but in this you get to be a "god". It's actually wicked fun to be a "god" and send all the little people flying. Of course i was a good guy, but one of these days I'm going to be really really evil.

But the point is that The LTC said I might be looking at MedBoard. Now far be it for me to say, but if I'm going to get kicked out of the army for medical reasons I want it to be because I'm so completly FUBAR that there is no WAY i can possibly function in the army. I know that sounds crazy, but that's what it is. I actually don't know how I'd feel about it. Do I really want to get out? Sad fact is the Army is all I know and two combat tours later, it's all i can imagine.

And yet, I can not deny her claim that not only is the army not doing me any favors, but it is also causing me serious harm to keep doing what I am doing. I can understand that. I tried to pleade my case, that I just wanted the "band-aid" that will allow me to do my job and keep on going. After all there aren't that many people with experience that are willing to be line medics. Most, after their first tour are pretty much in the FTA mode.

I can not get over the thought of MedBoard. Spoken (around these parts) with a sligh hiss of dislike. The whole process can take as much as 18 months, and in the end I'll get out with not that much to my name but the junk in my room that i have no way to store, and a car I'll have no way to pay for. I suppose it could be a LOT worse, but i really don't know how. Something about the thought of giving up, of getting ofrced out cuz i couldn't hack it has me appalled.

I said as much to the LTC, and she kind of back tracked, and said something to the affect that it was the only logical step. The way she explained it, it made a lot of sensed, and yet there was a part of me that is trully appalled at the idea. I have this amazing duality about me. Part of me wants to "lay down the sword and take up the plow" and part of me would rather "die by the sword" I wonder if it is this way with all soldiers, or just the crazy brave or false stupid.

I'm not a "Brass Monkey" a "medal pirate" or anything like that. When people call me a hero I shrug and usually say that I am not, and yet there is something noble in this quest, this venture, that I can not deny. I ask myself, would that same sense of nobility follow me? I truly wonder, and I can not answer the question. Part of me is feeling the growing sense of . . . dare I say, destiny, upon me. That there will come a time where I will need to stand and take my place in history. i was watching a thing on the founding fathers, and in my vainity i thought to myself that truly I am not that dissimilar from them. Is that then what i should do?

I do not think I can Get out on such terms If I am supposed to explore this destiny of mine.

Household Good madness

Well they're here at last. My Household goods. ALL the shit I had in Texas, and Hawaii showed up at ONE time. Needless to say it has made WALKING (to say nothing of cleaning) all but impossible. I can not rember, now, HOW I managed to store all this stuff, what I do know is that there is no way in hell i can keep this the way it is.

Still, in a way it was pretty cool to go through all this stuff. I had just about every issue of Army Times (i know it's a bad habbit but i never throw the dam things out) that i ever bought. I could look back and laugh about the articles that did come true, and the ones that were horribly wrong. But more than that, I was physically reconected to my past. What do i mean by this? Well to have physical reminders of the person I used to be. It is not often that a person runns across such things, and it made me smile.

Certainly it has lifted my mood a small amount. Not to a jubilant level, or even a happy level (for there is a lot of work involved) but to an amused level. It was enough that I actually smiled. I am glad, all things considdered that I was able to see these reminders of who and what I am. It was almost like i was indiana Jones, descovering some lost relic.

The downside. . . I have neither the time, nor inclination to go through it all, and I have more than few official looking documents that I need to either disgaurd or keep. I think that (for the most part) they will all be disguarded, but in this day in age to prevent identity theft they'd all need to be burned. That presents a bit of a problem. Reciets in the parking lot are onething. At least a couple boxes worth of paper. . . quite another. Add to that that there is a fire danger (with allo the brush around) and you have a resipe for disaster if not handeled carefully. Plus, I'm not the woodsman I once fancied myself. I kind of do need a permit for burning.

the hard part now, is actually finding the things i need to go about my daily life. I can't find my shaver, and lord alone knows where my toothbrush is. I suppose the only solidly good news is that When all is said and done, it feels like a peice of me has returned. Not the peice that was missing mind you, but a peice none the less.

It's going to take DAYS to get this crap cleaned out. God help me.

Unexpected Surprise.

I suppose if there were one thing i was not expecting it would be talking to Andrea on any level. I will not lie, when it came time, i did nothing to try to save the relationship we were in. I suppose hurt was natural, but at the time she broke up with me, well lets just say feeling much of anything hurt too damm much and i was through fighting. I guess she sensed this. She broke up with me and promptly moved on.

It was a lice little ribb to get from her that she told me only two weeks later she's not only moved on but done the one thing she swore she'd never do (namely date women). There was the customary accusations and the "your such an asshole speach". I gave it to her and really let her know how I felt about her whole selfish nature. In the end I was religated to "Fucking asshole" and "never want to hear from you again".

I suppose I would be alright with this, except only a few days later she shocked me with some really mind blowing news. She's late. As in the Uh-oh late. No cause for alarm she says, just stress. She takes a test and it's negitive and i go back to being ignored. Then she txts me that she took another test and it was positive. to which i replied "oh fun". I can't remember what shocked me more the "that's all you have to fucking say" or "i never want to fucking hear from you again".

Stress aside, yes i get it she really isn't in the position in life where she's cool with this happening. Well guess what NEITHER AM I!!! I would think the whole "might deploy to a warzone soon" might have made sense. but no. It really bothers me that the whole conversation revolves around her, and always implies that I will have no responsibility or part in it. Serously, the whole Lifetime, "woman thou art wronged" crap has got to STOP!!!

So here's something really scary for me to come to grips with. A woman that i am incompatible with in a relationship, is going to have a child that is at least half mine. I'm going to be a father? Is this really happening? I had dreamed of this for so long, but the circumstances were WAY different. Now i will not shirk my duties, or responsibilities, but here's the thing, I am not ready. I have not come to terms with it in anyway. I have only told two people, and even that was hard. How do i tell people that seem to think I'm some kind of saint? What pearls of wisdom could I possibly impart on a child I'll never see? What more must i now sacrafice?

The whole idea has blown my mind. But worse, I can not help but admit some part of me hopes that this is all going to blow over. the same part of me that doesn't want to face the music when the time (inevitibly) comes. Be it being late on homework, or more serous things, there will always be a part of me, that practically screams that I run away from anything that is going to be hard to stand up to. I know it's human, but I hate it so.

I wanted a wife, THEN kids. I never wanted a "baby's mama". The thought sounds so hollow in my mind. As if I have betrayed the very core of my upbringing with this. Even now I can only imagine the dumbfound faces that are reading this. My friends that know me so well, I can only imagine what is going through their minds. I know what I would feel, and i pray to God almighty, that they do not feel this same way.

In the end I can not deny, in this matter at least all parties have a selfish streak. When the time comes I will support the child, and defend it with my dying breath, but that does not mean that I will be a good parent. Further, in my quest for love, and "the one" that everyone keeps telling me about, could they accept this? I'm only just now moving on from Andrea. Mostly taking it VERY slow, and "playing the feild" as it were. I have had ONE kinda sorta date since I've gotten back to Riley, and that's been over a month. I suppose that's what Irks me the most about the whole thing, she moved on pretty damm quick and yet throws the acusations at ME. What do i do? Sit there and take it like a gentleman. But i can only take so much.

So the question is what do i do now? what can I do?

Speechless

I have no idea what to think about this strange affect that i have on women that seems to render them speechless or at least not sure what to say. I know this is partially because they are guilty. In some strange way there are always feelings for me. No matter what happens I'm always this "amazing guy" or "great guy" or something of the like. I have to wonder why it is that women will get into a relationship and yet feel guilty that they have other people in love with them.

I wonder if I am too intense for my own good, or if it is something else. Am I an anacrhronism (something not belonging to this time) or is it something else? Long have I silently agonized that there are people that can not understand me. When I type things on messenger I may sometimes say things that are a bit poetic, or perhaps something that I have heard in a book or movie. Sometimes I'll off hadidly quote something that I sure thing is witty, or fitting. The problem is that no one seems to be able to understand me at all.

I was trying to make a point to Lisa, tonight that she deserved better that what she's with, and the problem made me just want to scream. Most of the time we don't speak. In fact there are times that I do not talk to women, or friends on the simple fact that they can't understand what I'm trying to say, so the silence increases. I have seen it with Lisa, Nicole, even males are not immune. Some of the guys in my platoon are the same way. When I try to talk to them, I suppose some of the things that are underlying tend to seep through.

In the case of Nicole I can understand to some degree. I mean after all who could take one of those wild and crazy "you are my soulmate" speaches and actually know what to say. I don't think she ever really thought about it, and when she turns around she is not sure what to say. But more than that when i try to talk about my life, there is an underlying sadness, an almost soul crushing malencoly that always shows through. She knows better than anyone else how i have suffered. I don't think many people would know what to do with that kind of pain.

But far worse is the isolation it gives me to not be able to talk to someone about the things I'm going through, for the simple reason that no matter how I frame it, they are not sure what or how to say it, yet should the situation be reversed, I always seem to know what to say to these people that will brighten their days. It sucks.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm smart, everyone keeps telling me I'm special, that I'm something to look up to, well dammit it's lonely at the top. There are days that I'd scratch out my eyes if my soulmate would reveal herslef and take away this awful isolation I feel. Everytime I say something and fail to receive a reply i feel it. This gnawing sence that I am either being ignored or I am alone. My beliefs are going out to deaf ears and the feeling that not only will no one listen, but also that no one cares is starting to really make me feel like there is no escape from this predicament.

Do i wear my heart on my sleeve? Yes I do. Do I Love those that will never return that affection in kind? As time goes on, it only gets worse. Is there a solution? No. There is no way i can change my nature. I see this beacon of light in a person, and if i see it I will latch on to it with a death grip and not let go until I am brused and battered. I will believe in people unti it is long since past time to abondon all hope. So why do I do this? Why do I allow myself to become consumed my anachronistic ways. Why is my manner and speach so hard for people to understand?

In an age where things are expected to move fast and information is obtained in an almost lazy way, people are not accustomed to taking time to say what you mean, and selecting your words so they'll have impact. When they come across these phraises, and form of speach they are unsure what to do, or how to take it. But also there is rarely eve a person willing to let their passions slip out through Instant Messengers. When passions are reserved for bedchambers, and even then only in ways that can best be describbed as vouyeristic ways, it is strange then for a person to speak from the heart and the mind at the same time.

Whatever the cause of this silence I inspire in others, it has become thounderous to my ears and blinding to my eyes. That once deep and close friends have drifted away because of circumstance is to be ecpected, when those self same friends and ex loves drift away because they "don't know what to say" then there is something truly tragic about this. I think it's easy to let silence reign. It is so much easier to not say anything at all, but then are our lives enriched this way? Are they not, in fact made cheaper by taking such an approach? Can there be a way to say what you feel, even when you are so shocked by events? Or is it that the phraising of things is over emphasized?

I despair in the fact that the only people that are even close to grasping who I am are most often the onse that are silent. Indeed it was only in my formative years that my Grandma, and my mom really seemed to understand who and what I was. Unfortunatly as time went on the number of people that understood or even tried to understand me dwindled. Mired by distrust, and a feeling of betrayal over things that had happened in my life, the number of those I trust dwindled to only a handful, and now those too are silent.

Silence, can i not escape this acursed silence!!! When oh when Lord will it be my turn? I am neither prophet nor saint, and the strength I have is fleeting in the face of this damnible isolation!

Grade A bullshitting

there is a skill set that is required to get by in the army. That skill is bullshitting. Now I don't want to toot my own horn, but from time to time I've laid down some pretty good bullshit. I mean after all what's the fun of simply getting off, when a beautiful peice of creative bullshit makes it so that you not only have the "whew" factor of just getting by, by the skin of your teeth, but you have a much more important shit eating grin cuz you not only got off you got off smelling like roses.



In this particular case I had missed an appointment on the 15th of April. Now when I say missed I mean I woke up 45 mins after it was supposed to start. I didn't figgure it out right away, but i surley had the "oh shit" factor right away, and rushed on down there. Fortunatly for me the guy after me cancelled. so technically i still got seen. Be that as it may, I was still going to get in trouble for it.



Apparently the COL is comming down hard on this stuff. Missing apts is a BIG deal at WTB. So i pawned it off. I baisically said that after the AFL game i went to sleep at 0200 having taken Ambien. In truth i actually went to sleep around 0330, and didn't take anything. The story goes i woke up at 1000 and rushed over there and was five mins late, when in actuality i woke up at 1045, and got there at 1100. The good news is i got seen as a walk in, so *technically* I made my apointment. I told my case manager and my squad leader and they all said it was cool but the forms must be obeyed.

In the end i had to write an "AAR" Esentially what happened, what was supposed to happen, and what i was going to do to fix it. I wrote about three quaters of a page using all sorts of "official" language. The whole time i had a huge shit eating grin. If there is one point i look at something and know i have talent at it is bull shitting. How ironic that creativity i think i suck at yet telling people what they want to hear in very official language is what I'm so VERY good at.

The first kick back was pretty simple but the whole time a had a SFC going up and down the halls fuming about micromanagemnet. I just sat there writting and after the first kickback i was good. It was so good in fact that while everyone else on the list was getting counciling statements and UCMJ, my happy ass just walked out with a big ol shit eatin grin. It was first rate officer bullshitting, and i can't believe i pulled it off.

of course i was admonished by my squad leader not to do it again, and really i won't, or at least i will try not to. all in all scott free with a good dose of bullshit. A hint for anyone that is in trouble. Always look for lengthy words, and such. Phraises such as "including but not limited to" and lengthy words. I'd have to have had the whole thing to show here, but I can not help this little grin of self satisfaction. Like i said normally I don't toot my own horn, but I always do get a kick out of such things.