I am RTD. Return to Duty. For me this is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because although it will be hard I will finally get back into shape, and PT is a must. But it also meands that dark cloud hangs in the horrizon. Iraq. It has become an all consuming thought for me, and as one relatinship after another fails not only miserably but catastopically, it has me feeling depressed and in a way just wishing for the witing to end. I am so tired of waiting for that golden bullet, and that dam IED. i just wish it would hurry up and get my ass sometimes.
The thought of going back is both grim and terrifying at the same time. I can not help but see myself torn to shreds lying in some ditch somewhere. Worse the thought of the nebulous "Dark Side" I have. I have nightmares that would terrify people if they knew I had them. Terrible things happen to me and are done by me. The worst part of all. . . part of me, the sick twisted and demented part of me, actually ENJOYS this. It is scay. I've been told i have a "tender soul". The evil that is laden in the back of my mind is like a slow poison. Like shooting Alkali or acid into ones veins. I can almost feel the corrosive affects on my soul.
In other news, I have been in a low grade depression for a few days. Well that and I'm also slightly pissed off. You see Lisa, who has left so many hints that her BF is well shall we say not of a high calibur, or an ass or that she idn't love him that much, has done a complete 180 since he left. Hearing about her tearful goodbye has left me in such a state that i truly hate ALL women. I nearly borke my computer when i saw the IM she sent. Not one lear was shed when I left. Not a "I'll miss you so much". Nothing. In fact in a way she almost egged me on to go.
I can't explain why this should hurt so much. Why does it feel like a final betrayal? I have a therory but I am not a shrink, so i wouldn't know. The running thought is that well thoughts of the brief and (very) happy time we spent together were all that kept me going after Craig died. And when Harrelson died. . . well If it hadn't been for her, (and SFC Mays, who I owe a LOT to) I would have lost it and not been able to function.
The whole sortid affair has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I think about the last 7 months and I'm actually in awe that i didn't put a bullet in the brain pan (for referance you want to do the "Hitler shot" that is in the mouth pointed slightly upward towards the base of the skull. Relativly painless and takes out the Carebellum with is pretty much instant death). The disapointment failure, and desperate almost mad hope that I placed on each relationship made it that much harder to pich up the peices. How many times can you Glue a Vase back together before it's hoplessly smashed? So too is my heart.
Yesterday I had the simple phraise going through my head Liars, Cheats, ALL! And sadly over the last 7 months since my Evac, I have been proven right more often then not. I am so TIRED of being told how great a guy i am, and how some day I'll find the "one". WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!!! If I am so great, why then am i not worth the effort to stay with? I have become suspicious to the point that personal motto on dating has become "if they actually want to be with you, they're Lying or they have a shit load of baggage."
First it was Lisa, then Erika, then in a small way Nicole, then Andrea and I'm so tired of it all!!! I miss the simplicity of the Mission. Do your job watch your sector and be prepaired to adapt. The sad part is there is no ROE with women. Anything goes, and usually it is from a selfish outlook on life that they relate to people. For example, if a guy were to "test the waters" as it were that's horrible, if a woman does that's expected. If she dresses like a slut goes to the clubs and rubs on a bunch of different guys that's just "having a good time". Never mind what the poor fool thinks when she does that. All the while they hold their sexuality over us poor wreched men, like a weapon. A tool to make us poor fools do what they please.
Want examples? Go to a bar. Any resaonably good looking woman (even the ones that aren't) will dress a certain way that advertises, and all sorts of guys will buy her drinks all night. Then she might thank him, but SHE is the one in control of the situation. For the love of god I want control just once. Is it too much to ask? I just want so badly to BELIVE in someone. Nicole would tell me that i have to have faith in the Big Guy. Erika would listen and tell me to cheer up then she'd ask "anything else" like i were at a drive up window, Katie (Combat Labtech) would say "Cheer up B" Smitty well, I think there are times she knows the place I'm at the best even though she always smiles and such. Chuck, well I'm not sure what he'd say but i don't liek bitching to him, and my guys, well, Jeff is the only one I'd tell all this shit too.
They say old soldiers never die, they just fade away. Honestly I just want to fade away. when I'm not raging at the world, I'm tired and worn out. This is not how people were ment to live and I am so tired of it. Why am I made to suffer this way. What sins have I commited that deserve such treatment?