You can call me stupid now.

Last night i made a complete ass of myself. It tends to happen frequently these days. In fact if making an ass of yourself were a sport, I should go to the olympics. So what's happened since my last post. . . well i've not done a damm thing. and of course going to work durring the holiday season is not shall we say motivating.

I think the highlight of the work week so far was going through a deserter's stuff. Most of his clothes were nast as hell and they went into the dumpster. No skin off my back. I really don't like deserters. I don't have any respect for people that run unless there are extreame extenuating circumstances (ie death in the family). i took a LONG shower after that.

So work isn't really all its cut out to be. Big surprise there. But the real surprise is what i did last night. I had know nicole for a long time and really aside from Katie McQueen (the office troll haha) has been my only constant confidant. Really to be fair she's been the voice of reason when i get. . . well like me. I traced back all the times i had been most miserable since I'd joined the army and it was the times we weren't talking. We've had a long history, and I've always hinted at it, but last night i really bore my soul to her.

BUT (isn't there alsways a but) my timing is (of course) terrible. she's got a new boyfriend, and it sonds pretty serous. I think that it was the impidus for last night, but really I know that part of it has been the on going transformation. I've begun to reintigrate. going to bars and acting like a normal 24 year old (i think). I've started to relax a lot, learned to have a good time with people, and most of all stopped pining over lost love.

The thing is she once told me of her dream. a ranch somewhere. I think is was when we tried breifly dating. ever since then it had taken hold of me and become something I fight for. that "some day i'm gonna. . . " dream that you always see but never think you'll live long enough to see. i had mentioned that i wanted to work on that ranch some time, and she said i'd always have room and board there but hinted that she'd be making it soon with someone then told me about her bf and then it hit me and i felt sick. Again i had waited too long. Again i had goofed. Simply put I had missed whatever oppertunity i might have had

So what now ytou ask. Nothing. I can't ask her to scrap a promising relationship for one she already turned down. I dunno i guess i wait. Katie said that i should wait for her to react. i don't know. i get the feeling that i've got as much finesse as an ogre. I just hope that when she finds mr right she'll still be my friend. That and i hope it doesn't hurt too much.