I wish that I could say I feel good. I don't. I Talked to Nicole today, and I'm not sure what to think about it. The conversation drivted, almost lazily towards topics that had probably be best left unsaid. never were the words said but in truth we were both making a case for our respective positions.
Truth is, like i said, since I've known Nicole, in one way or another I've always wanted her. But i think the intensity of my personality scares her. Not just that I am passionate about how i feel, or how quickly I go into grand gestures on a whim, but also how much pain I've experienced. Anyone, that had seen me as she has would be scared i think.The hard part to reconsile was one of the things she said to me. Something i need to get out.
"If you ever needed me I'd do whatever it takes to be there for you." she said
I didn't have the heart then to tell her that I already had once. She was dating her last boyfriend, before she found out about his fatal flaw, and I, in my own way, begged for her to come out, and be with me. I said simply i needed a friend, and there would even be some interesting vistas for her to take pictures of. I offered to pay for everything. She said she couldn't because she couldn't be what i wanted her to be, and left it at that.
But i wasn't bad just yet. I hadn't sunk to my lowest and when i truly began my near fatal plunge, she was comming out to see her NEW boyfriend and now Fiancee. She offered to come out and see me. No thanks I said. At that point the hurt was even worse because she was doing that, if she had come out with her BF, I'm very sure it would have killed me. I had that experience once, i was not, and am not willing to repeat it.
Though she didn't realize it in a way, she betrayed me, just as Lisa before. Though the slight was not intentional, the result was the same. I wish I could say I'm ok with this. After all i (sort of) have a relationship but even that is clearly only temporary. i have a sneaking feeling it will end soon, and once i would have been bitter about that, now, i'm only vaugly sad.
She said she couldn't be what i wanted her to be. Seems she doesn't really know me that well. I suppose that's why it hurts just the same wayt the West Point fiasco hurt. I only asked of one thing. A Fair chance. She never really gave that to me. In the whole week or so that we actually dated, she never looked back and I never stopped. In the end I let her go without a fight and i did again now.
In truth I wouldn't even know how to fight for her anymore. As I have already stated I am not in the habbit of breaking up relationships, even when their very existance tears me apart. For Four and a half years I held my toung, and when finally i spoke it was far too late. I look at her string of boyfriends, who they are and what they do, what they're like and for so long a question built in my mind: Why not me?
I suppose it comes from my almost obsessive reading of Star Wars and it's almost Buddist message, but I think of right and wrong, light and dark, in similar ways as the Jedi/Sith are. Good is selfless, evil is selfish. You can always tell a right, or a semi right action by how it makes you feel. Always when i think of Nicole, there is Peace. No fear, no doubt. Peace. It has always felt right, which is why i suppose all the wrong things hurt so much. In the end I've always know the right path even if i havn't admitted it to myself. I suppose that's also why i do irrationaly selfless things, because that is what good is to me.
Ultimatly it comes down to this simple statement. . . she is the only one i ever truly felt understood me. To anyone that knows me, that is the one thing that i've sought desperatly my whole life. The only one i never needed to fear when i bore my soul. I don't know how long I loved her for, but i know that in the end it doesn't matter and that it won't change anything. Once I felt despair, now i am so numb, I feel only a distant sadness and a grim acceptance of fate.