Thursday, January 19, 2012

Forgivness is not easy

To this day I have yet to meet another man that has been broken up with during sex.  Having said that, I do not think it is unreasonable for me as a man to be completely and utterly perplexed by this.  How did this happen.  Why?  To this day I'm still puzzling it out.  One second everything is fine the next WHAM! curve ball gets away from the pitcher and now you're seeing stars.

Was this negociable, whas there something I could do differently, when had this descision been made?  Answers I would rightly deserve and have yet to recieve.  It does not help that this is a woman I've know my whole life and was deeply in love with.  Perhaps the last woman I can honestly say I was in love with.  The next day we had breakfast like aquantences.  We might as well have had a meeting about the layout of an office. 

It did not help matters that apparently my mom knew and completely understood why she left me.  Apparently she knew all along that this would happen and was under the assumption that it was mutual.  I'm here to tell you it most certainly was not.  Why did she leave me?  Well according to my mom she really wanted to get married. . . ok . . . and as a (then) 26 year old with two tours to Iraq, I didn't?  Actually I was planning on it.  I didn't have the whole plan fleshed out but yeah I thought that was it.  I'd hit a home run.  Apparently not. 

What efficiencies I might have, I'm not entirely sure.  No one's told me, and as time has gone on, I have simply shut people out.  I wanted to ask for time.  For patients, for help even, but that never happened.  Then things got worse.  in my second semester at WVU that vile group of scum sucking tabloid wannabes Wikileaks, released the "collateral murder" video.  It was not a good thing.  I had flashbacks and was in a state of near panic.  How I would have killed, or chopped off my own arm if She had somehow come to me.  I waited over a year to date again.  And the little dating I have  done since then could well be called a train wreck.  And still this pain persists. 

I am now 28.  I have prospects but those prospects seem to have more problems than I'm willing to admit to anyone (even myself sometimes).  She just got married.  I feel deeply betrayed.  When I think about it there is that small voice screaming in my head that it should have been me.  What has he that I do not?  Have I not earned it?  Didn't I prove my love?  Worse than that I lost one of the last people I can actually turn to. 

Last summer I went home for two weeks, and it was a mess, I was stressed out, bills were high, and I was in sorry shape.  While visiting my Grandparents I slept in the same room, in the same bed no less that my dad did in his final days.  Sitting in a decent reclining office chair (the only decent chair for said purpose in the house) I was leaning back in contemplation of the extreme bills, and how everything depended on me getting a job that like all others is just impossible to predict (pipe-lining is not a way that allows for easy planning)  I was stressed out and trying desperatly not to think of how screwed I was.  Then my Aunt came in and said "you know that's the chair we found him in"  Even the position no less.  I waited till my Aunt left then bolted outside.  I felt. . . dirty wrong, I felt soiled, and all the things that had been bothering me came to the surface. 

In more emotional turmoil than I had since perhaps 2008, I texted Her.  Told her the whole thing and how messed up I was. . . . I couldn't tell you what I texted.  I can't tell you what my state of mind was, maybe I just wanted to her her voice.  Maybe I just wanted someone to tell me that it was alright, but. . . no.  I got a call from her new man.  I hesitate to call him boy toy, because he actually is an Army officer, and even if I view him as a Jodi, that is respectable.  Whatever his name is (don't ask I never bothered to find out) he called and was very sincere that he understood that I was having a rough time.  He actually talked to me man to man which I could respect and didn't state or threaten anything, but it was implied.  Don't call or text her anymore.  Just like that I had lost one of the last people in the world I felt truly safe confiding in. 

Once.  A long time ago I visited a fortune teller who read my palm, and told me that fatherhood would be very important to me.  She told me that it would happen sometime *roughly* after next year.  But now as I try to move on, the hurt, the emptiness She left me with, have given me an inability to trust the fairer sex.  Even when I know they love me, I keep them at arms length.  How can I forgive someone I'm still in love with?  Still from the darkest corners of my mind I hear the words of Mecrutio, a plague upon your houses

It is a question I will grapple with for a long time.  How do I forgive this devastating blow, that I can't even understand?  If I could not see it in someone I knew like the back of my hand, how could I possibly not expect it from a stranger?  Does any woman honestly expect me to just be fine after all I've been through? 

The bitch of it is, the most important questions in life, never seem to have an answer. 


Argent said...

I don't have the answers either, it looks a bit confusing. I think your feelings are quite understandable.

I do see two things though.

The article is heavily focused on the woman. But there is clearly more to your struggles than her. I hope you find the strength to at least deal with a few of these.

The second thing very clear cut is that you are blaming all women for this woman's actions. Women are not all the same. If you keep that up you will have trust problems with woman and find dealing with them even outside relationships a struggle. Leave your feelings where they belong. If they are regarding the woman then leave them there.

The Mad Medic said...

Well Argent, you kind of need to understand that this is part of a larger pattern. I had a GF that left me in the middle of a deployment. I had another that i just couldn't connect to when i lost guys, and she wanted to have a life of her own. . . i also found out she was pregnant when I got back. Being in the WTB. . . well that was a nightmare, and I don't want to describe it here, but I lost really the love of my life at the time, because of my meds, and how insane I had become. The woman in the post, well after her I kind of gave up overall. it was a pattern far too often repeated.

Argent said...

You've had a rough few years. Don't need to give up but probably do need to sort out the issues a bit before giving it another go if you want to by then.

Cholo said...

Ahhh women....
You know they ain't that hard to understand, and to spot a break up coming is actually easy to do. Its all about understanding human nature, specifically male-female social dynamics. (that's a fancy term I put together :)

Anywho when bitches come and leave is a factor of how the man is dealing with them. In other words, women emotionally/instinctively react to the man they are in front of. Hence the common expression: "Attraction isn't a choice".

Therefore, seeking straight answers from a woman as to why she left you is an exercise in futility. You see, since women are reacting instinctively they cannot put their feelings into words.(It's hard for anyone to verbalize instinctive reactions or vibes)

Now... understand this concept: To a woman, "sexual partner" and "friend" are NOT the same. That is why guys often end up in the "friend zone" while another dude (who can be a total asshole) is fucking her.

How does this all come together? Simple:
-The girls who leave their men, and the girls who put men in the "friend zone" do so because those men cannot activate the womens' attraction switches. (and the attraction switches have to be activated constantly throughout the relationship. They are not a light switch that once you turn on you can walk away from.)

There are 5 main attraction switches:
#1 Pre-selected by other women
#2 Leader of men
#3 Protector of friends and loved ones
#4 Willingness to emote/walk away
(check out Mystery Method for more info on these switches and other stuff)
#5 Not needing to be mommied
(I discovered #5 on my own)

If you keep them activated the woman will love you forever, don't, and she will walk away.

As for feeling down because they left and hurt you, all of that will go away the more you date other beautiful women.
Prospects.... those prospects you mentioned sound like bitches with attitudes and baggage. If you wanna bang a slut or 3 do so, they have their purpose. But don't keep that.

To sort through bitches to find those worthy of keeping all you gotta do is to "qualify them". Here is some good tips on identifying and dealing with the different types of femmes:

As for the just married chick.... again as you meet and date beautiful women you stop thinking about her.

That's all I got on this post, playa'.