Porn, You Lied to Me

So, many moons ago, when I was stationed at Ft Hood, and was working in the Carl R Darnall Army Medical Center in the ER, I worked mostly nights, so my social life was pretty hard to come by.  I had a few close friends, and they would bring me along to their circle of friends.  It worked out pretty well, for a young man who wasn't in any serious relationship.  At some point a few months before 3rd ACR was getting ready to deploy, they sent a bunch of their Medics to the hospital to train, and I got to know a lot of them.  One of the female Medics, let's call her Amber (not her real name) was as close to a "bro" as any chick I've yet met.  She brought me to a couple of parties, and some really good times were had.

I'm not sure exactly when it came up, but she admitted to me that she was Bi.  Now this wasn't as cool as I first thought it would be, to be clear she was all over a 1st Cav trooper so I had absolutely no chance of hooking up with her, and I thought, well having a female wing-man would be alright.  Only problem is she'd say "oh I'll go lay the ground work" and me being a trusting fool, would be ok with that.  Only she would completely forget that she was supposed to hook me up, and start hitting on the chicks she was going to "lay the ground work with".  Even worse, when I went to go after a girl she'd try to make moves on the girl I was after!  Of course you're not going to get into a fight with a drunk girl whose giggling so I kinda just said "aw fuck it".  I still had a good time, and on the nights I wasn't hanging around with her, well I got plenty of dates.

Now one of her friends at some point pointed out that what she did was kinda messed up, so one day about a month before she was going to deploy she invites me to a party.

"Eh.  I guess."

"No you don't get it, this is going to be a Lesbian party."

"A what, what?"

Well she goes on to explain that a couple of her friends are full on, Lesbians, and some were Bi, and some were Strait.  This was going to be a party maxed out with chicks and minimal to no dudes, the booze will be free, and there'll be a lot of it.  This was a win win win.  I was about to go to the promised land of debauchery.  There were going to be a ton of hot and more importantly horny chicks at a party with free booze. . . DUDE!!!

I should have known, knowing Amber that there would be a catch.  I wasted no time, pre-gaming, I mean I didn't want to be completely sober when I showed up.  Amber picks me up around 1930, and she has her boyfriend in the car, it was actually the first time I'd met him, and he seemed a little. . .off.  then there was this other guy John, and he seemed pretty. . . off too.  Well Whatever I'm going to a Lesbian party!  hey maybe they'll go full out and it'll be just like a porno!  You never know.  At the very least I'm going to see some hot chicks making out!  I was so excited I could barely sit still.

It wasn't until we pulled up to this house, which was a bit in the boonies that my enthusiasm started to dampen.  Ok so this wasn't going to be a party I could walk home from, no problem.  I hadn't even gotten in the door when I saw two smoking hot blondes sitting on the porch, they were in some very tight dresses that accentuated all  the right places.  SCORE!!!

I was going to have a hell of a time!  I could hear the music, and ok it was kind of different, but what the heck.  As soon as I get inside I realize I might have just made a huge mistake.  Its like a freaking Rainbow threw up in this house.  I mean there are Cherubs and Unicorns and all sorts of cute crap, that already made my head hurt.  Ok.  I'm going to need a lot more booze.  I ask Amer where the drinks are and she points me to the indoor bar near the kitchen.  Whew.  Alcohol.  Only. . . it was all chick drinks.  Sweet stuff.  Not a bottle of whiskey to be seen in the lot.  No Vodka either.  I hate Margaritas, cuz they really give me a headache and sweet stuff holds no appeal to me.  Beer, dear God let there be Beer.

I scrounged, somewhat desperately, and found an old dusty six pack of long necks.  It didn't matter that they were only a step above Naty light, it was BEER!  I drank it down with the desperation of a man that's done a road march across NTC, and the six pack was chugged before the horrible taste got to me.  I spent the next fifteen minuets looking for a chaser, because holy crap that tasted bad.  Ok.  Game face.  There are hot lesbians here.  Remember why you come.

But as soon as I left the bar area I realized something else.  I was one of only four guys at this party that was rapidly filling with women and those other guys were. . . making out.  OH NO!!!  I had just stumbled into a real honest to God gay party.  I really wanted to kill Amber then.  I probably would have if an absolutely stunning brunet came up and started talking to me.  She was funny, got my jokes, and best of all she was single.  Ok there might be some redemption here.  That was until she said something of the effect that she had a friend that would really like to meet me.  Hey hey!   I smell a threesome!

No.  It was her gay friend who she was trying to hook up.   What.  The.  Fuck!  After the initial shock and explaining that I was very strait, and some embarrassment all around Some of the conversations started to filter in.  It was like being stuck in an endless re-run of Lifetime.  No talk about how horny they were, no talk about how hot they looked in their dresses or how they were feeling tipsy, in fact the only talk that was even remotely sexual was one woman recommending to another something to help with PMS.   I wanted to find Amber and get the hell out of there, but no one had seen Amber (I found out later that she had had a "devils trio" threesome in one of the bedrooms), and things were getting a little out of hand.

You know how, when you drink women get hotter?  Yeah the exact opposite was happening.  By the time a 300 Pound really angry looking Big Bertha walked in I decided it was time to get the hell out of Dodge.  I called for a cab, and ate the fare, cuz I just wanted to go home and forget the night.  The worst part is, while I was waiting, the only ones that were "lesing out" were Butch Cassidy and Big Bertha.  Try getting that image out of your head.  I went home, got some serious booze from the Class 6, and then proceeded to try to drink the night away.  No Lesbians are not hot nymphomaniacs that want to have sex everywhere they go.  Porn has totally and utterly lied to me.