Wednesday, November 29, 2006
CNN is not even close to accureate, but it does give a genral (if negative) picture. What i know is that soldiers aren't the targets as much any more. It is a fight between iraqis. Often soldiers get caught in the middle. It is a Blood Bath. It is a war. And thus I have the fight I joined for.
I called up to Ft Riley. They told me there was a high likelyhood i'd end um in the avaition brigade, and may not deploy until later next year. It's crap like that that pisses me off. DA would only give me Ft Riley, and now Ft Riley's units are deploying and i'll arrive too late to actually be apart of the train up. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE!!! I am really starting to get sick of the army not having a clue what it's doing with me and giving me inaccurate information. All i can do is pray i NEVER end up in a MEDDAC/MEDCEN EVER again.
I still have to play the part of the dutiful soldier. I have not told mom and dad that i have reenlisted, and i have not told them the lengths i've been going to to deploy. It's almost like God is keeping me out of the fight. Be that as it may, i am going to try to go with the line anyway. I feel that it is my duty to try (however hardly) to be the line medic i joined to be. It feels like the last 4 years (almost) would have been a waste if not for that.
Where does this leave lisa and myself? Seeing as the Army is deep in a war, and everyone can expect to get deployed multiple times, it is hard to see the future. Especially as these are combat deployments. I don't want Lisa to get hurt, but at the same time, I am not impurvious to injury. it makes me wonder. will people abandon me if i am injured. If i am a horrible figgure will people scorn my existance?
The future is unknown. If it were i suppose life would be incredibly boring. But ultimatly one must face the future with their head held high. Grip tightly their wepons, and sheilds and charge into the fray. Like King Leonidas, marching to certain doom at Thermopylae, the differance is how you face the fight. Do you face it like a mouse and try to hide, or like a lion, and roar to let everyone know of your passing through this world?
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
but after three, well Hinchee was bored, and so was I so from about 0530 on we were playing Table football. Then we had to actually do work and we played catch with the foam tape we use for foleys. Seriously i think Hinchee is going to be miserable without a fellow dork to keep him company.
I find that when i am bored, and i am with the right sort of people i get awfully mischevious. In fact i can be easily amused. It is not nessisarily a bad thing. I suppose my "love of life" is something that is attractive to people around me. hell what can i say.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Today i had to get my PCS leave signed. the down side is that i have duty 25 Dec. That's right i have duty on X-mas day. Well obviously i can't pull duty and take leave at the same time (seeing as i plan on being home at that point). I got duty section (reluctanty) to sigh it. SGM Torres didn't want to do that though. Of course there's always the pickle of hey who's going to pull this duty, we don't want to screw Joe Snuffy. but then that means i'm screwed. The end result SFC Garcia is pulling Duty Driver on the 25th. That is like three grades below him, and that's a REAL big deal.
Of course after all that noise i had to retype the whole damm thing, and re submit it to 1SG. I've finally gotten it all approved so now what do I do? nothing. Wait for Orders, because without orders i can't clear. Baisically i have to do the crazy "run around like a crazy man" and clear at super speed (no doubt working the whole time). Best part, and this is just salt on the wound. I don't think i'm getting a PCS award. Would have been nice to get an ARCOM but well not enough time.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Well on thursday I'm going to get my photos taken. I'm planning on one shot (maybe two) in civvies, Two in ACUs (one with scrub top and stethascope) the rest will be in Class A's. I plan on getting might a few wallets, a few that can be framed, and probably a CD. Of course I will be getting Christmas Cards. It's the least I can do (send out x-mas cards). I'm already streched out for X-mas gifts and i still have to get something for mom and dad. Of course this will go to Grandma and Grandpa, they'd love it (they've never taken down the photos of me in that STUPID safari outfit. Hell i think they still had my baby pictures up when last i was there. It does show a natural progression. It might be worth a look.
I can not deny a certain amount of vainity in this matter. Of course i want to look good. the fact that my latest photo on Hot or Not is sitting at 8.9 is not only flattering (and bewildering) but it definatly boosted my ego WAY too much. i think any more stroking of my ego and my head might explode. Still I want something people (Lisa especially) can take with them. Something to remember me by.
So, So you think you can tell,
Heaven from hell,
Blue skies from pain,
can you tell a green Field,
From a cold steel rail,
a smile from a vale,
do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade,
your heroes for ghosts,
Hot ashes for trees,
hot air for a cool cold breeze,
cold comfort for chains,
did you exchange,
a walk on part in a wall,
for a leading role in a cage.
How I wish, How i wish you were here,
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground
what have we found, same old fears,
Wish you here here.
Like i said not my stuff. But i like it. It says a lot about my situations. and never seems not relevant.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Still it's not enough to have a soft bed/pillow (something i will really miss when i leave). It is not enough to have a bed. You have to have something to look foward to when you wake up. You have to look foward to something when you go to sleep. Empty beds are not always welcoming. Ultimatly you have to have to have someone to sleep with. It's not just sex (though that can be important), it's having a warm body next to you, and knowing that that warmth will be there for you. Whether you are Male or female, and that other person is female or male.
When you are a child it is enough to simply know that the house is warm, and that you have love if you need it. when you become an adult, that warmth needs to be more personal. Even if the long married do it only out of habbit, it is still important to us all. Sleep is not for the weak. it is for everyone. only a few people know how to truly apriciate it. So when you go to sleep, in those tender moments, think of that which is safe and secure, the loyalties you need never question, and the love you need never ask for.
What I find most interesting, despite obvious money concerns, and the need to save, I, too have been taken in by this craze. The need to get gifts for important people (namely Lisa, my family, Gil and his family, and a few other notable mentions). Amazing. My credit card bill for the month is going to be outrageous.
How to show those you care, that you care, is often the greatest worry. If you get them a gift they don't like, then you have failed. It is a pressure that often breaks the hardiest of shoppers. A novice like myself, well you know, it is built into the society, and thus, i am a slave to the madness like everyone else. It seems, that this part of the year is what everyone looks forward to.
Strangely enough it appears that Christmas did not actually happen on 25th of December. The early church had made Christmas on the same day as a pagan holiday, as a way of(successfully) overshadowing that holiday. It is also lost that Easter is far more important in implication. I find it ionic that even atheists, and many non christian celebrate the "holidays". I also find it ironic the battle to say "Merry Christmas". It is sad that in their need to be recognized the liberal left seek to unravel the very fabric of our society. I would like to mention here that i have a live and let live philosophy. I don't belive in trying to subvert another's beliefs to make my own dominat. Often the fight for equality, goes farther than intended. Often it turns to the fight for dominace. which is why i often don't trust people fighting for equality. But that is beside the point.
of course fot a guy like me that loves trauma (and makes stress my bitch) this is the golden carrot. I have often been disgruntled at how under utilized i have been. two years ago (and probably in 6 months time) I was making life and death decisions. Now I am stuck stocking linen and a whole host of other menial tasks (LAB RUNS!!!). My angst stems greatly from the fact that I look around, and see people who are lazy, or don't give a damm, and I'm sitting twiddling my thumbs like the dutiful little soldier boy. It can get on a person's nerves quickly.
I am not nearly as eager to move to my new unit as i thought i would be. Oh to go to the line yes (God Almighty if they try to put me in an FSB again i will flip a bitch), but i've just got around to liking Ft. Hood. Oh it's full of POGs, and shitbags, yes, but the area ain't half bad (aside from the crime rate, which is second only to Houston). What's more, i wish i could be around when Lisa graduates BCT and AIT.
Another thing that is bothering me, I talked to SSG Garza today. You'd think a guy that has 16 years invested would stomach the last 4 and retire, but he is in a pickle. He is constantly getting crappy assignments, and he is constantly getting deployed (OK well three total, Kosovo once, and Iraq twice). He is willing to waste those years and get out. I mean he really is over the hump, and it wouldn't be that far of a stretch to get a second retirement. But he's going to get out. Made me wonder why i do it myself. I will have 4 years come 29 Jan. All i have to show for it is a load of junk, and a chip on my shoulder. Perhaps the confidence I've gained is payment enough, but now, as the times get darker, i ask myself, again why do I do this?
Doubt is a part of the Soldier's life. and sadly there is more than enough doubt to go around. I doubt myself, i doubt the mission, and often times i really doubt the Army as a whole. It has made me question my most basic beliefs. I once believed Marriages were sacred. Now I truly wonder. Being married, for some, is almost an invitation to be promiscuous. I used to believe once that men and women could be faithful to each other. Now I see otherwise. I used to think I could be around civilians, now, when I am around them I scorn their ways. I used to be able to date civilian women, now i get a headache trying to explain anything to anybody that isin't intimately familiar with the military. And, finally, perhaps most tragically i've started to lose my faith in man. Some of the things I've seen, the cruelty, and the utter disregard for their fellow, often makes me wonder about the species as a whole.
I do not want to say, however that i have not gained a certain measure of confidence in myself. I am surer now, of who i am, and what i am capable of. perhaps not so much physically anymore, but of what i can push myself through. I Used to hold my head down, and look at the ground, and while i still do that i often hold my head high. I have done things that i can be proud of (or so everyone tells me). It just goes to show, there's always good lobbed in with the bad, and the grass usually isn't greener on the other side of the fence till you cross over the fence.
Friday, November 24, 2006
I am not Cassinova, or Rico Swavee. I'm just Michael (actually I like Michael a lot cuz he's the angel that kicked lucifer's ass out of heaven). I often worry that I'll screw it up. This my mind, often my greatest asset (see trauma) becomes my worst enemy. My confidance goes to zilch, and i seccond guess myself. Thus, untill I "warm up" I have the apperance of being awfully shy. Of course my myriad fo terrible encounters, and getting cheated on more times than player at a vegas casino, tend to leave me feeling high and dry.
I find it odd. I can write poetry that makes women swoon, and believe me sometimes I do that on purpose. I let them find it. i let them see it. it's sneakey, almost never works, but hey, it does work. lol. i can express so many beautiful things when i write poetry but come time for talking, or showing it, and i suck. I did have a little day dream last night. I thoguht about lisa, but what i thought (because she reads this blog) will remain my little secret.
Somewhere, on distant shores, lies lisa, waiting for me (i hope) and somehow that makes me feel better. Like no matter what i do, she'll understand. I guess because i accepted her, she accepts me. Some day i'll make sense of it all, but for right now i'm going to sleep
Thursday, November 23, 2006
It is a time of family. It is a time where the whole family gathers from whatever divergent parts of the country they are from and converges on the house hold of the patriarch (or matriarch) usually the grand parent's house. there three generations gather give thanks, catch up and for a little bit, either pretend not to hate each other (and hold grudges from childhood) or truly appreciate each others company. Whatever the case it is not a time ANYONE wants to spend alone or heaven forbid, working.
As with last year, I not only worked, but I also went to eat at SSG Garza's place. Ann, as always threatened to get violent if everyone didn't have 7ths and 8ths. it was a feast to behold. Avery, and two of his friends played Halo against Gil and I. It was a hoot. i'd kill the two kids and they'd ask why they got shot by the other (i don't think they figured out it was me killing them the whole time) or, what's even funnier, they'd run (not really in circles, more like a figure 8, randomly shooting, and more often than not hitting each other). I laughed so hard, and for the first time i actually beat Avery (i know getting beat down by a 12 year old is pathetic, but c'mon it's Halo!). In this place, where i have no family and few friends, it is always great to get together. The army has become my family. We are always missing our families, that's why many times we form close bonds that last a life time.
It is a time of family. It is a time of togetherness, and, unfortunately for those poor souls in the army, it is also a time of tremendous idiocy. While most everyone is off on a 4 day weekend, certain cervices, namely the ER remain open. I have never been able to understand why there are always so many traumas come holiday time. Last year it was folks that had sliced their wrists open cutting turkey, and gunshot wounds. This year it was stabbings. two to be exact. I find myself wondering, when we are suppose to be getting closer, why are we always getting more injuries, and hatred?
what i do know, is that when the feast is over, and we have all waddled off to bed, the dreams we dream after our chaotic get together, are often the best and most peaceful. I am so much more content when i am with people that are close like family. We live in a world that is so diverse, and multi-faceted. it is nice, once in a while to get together and have familiar jaunts into memory lane, have great conversations of happy times, and for a few moments forget the cares of the world.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
I miss them, and i think back to the trials we faced. I think about Eggersdourf (fourth from left) my partner. He was my battle buddy, and he is out there now. I ask myself, here, safe, how can i complain? I can at least see Lisa. He can not see his son, and he is in a crappy situation. I can not begin to explain my shame. I complain about trivial things, and my partner is out there. 2-27 is getting fucked up.
I can not begin to explain the joy i feel, knowing that lisa is contemplating a relationship. The problem, of course is that, even in the best of circumstances will be a long distance relationship. She is leaving for BCT and i am leaving for War. Yet, despite it all, I am still hopeful.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Look within: To live for yourself, to be selfish, at times has it's reward. There are very few that can not see at least some benefit in thinking about themselves. Your natural instinct will always be to save yourself. You can avoid danger, you can sidestep terror, but you can never get away from the simple fact that one is not stronger than many. If you live a selfish life you will be alone. While benefits may exist for a moment, they are often short lived, and you may not receive the kindness all humans come to expect.
Look Outward: To live for others, to be selfless, is often times thankless. there are always people out there that are truly selfless. they will drop everything to help others. It is not always necessary to rush into a burning building. Simply giving up some of your time can help. these are often our "heroes", and yet, in the end their lives can be just as empty as the selfish. Often the rewards are long lasting and you can always tell a selfless person by the tinniest vestiges of a smile. a hint of "i made a difference" painted on their faces. These people are often quick to laugh, and live for the moment. In the end the love they showed to others returns.
Exapmle: To look at modern day soldiers in the US Army, you see both sides. Often times there are people that will "blue falcon" (buddy fuck, although ironically enough the Air Force mascot) their battle buddies, for no apparent reason. And then you see the "heroes" who give selflessly and ask for nothing. As an unspoken "rule" it is expected that the man on the right and left would do the same damm thing. Modesty is a common virtue. A soldier will often say, "it was no big deal these other guys had it far worse than I". It is this facet that the public is so enamored with right now. Despite an unpopular war, despite the constant grind that often times amazes civilians, we keep on rucking.
Before each person lies a choice. Save the world or save yourself. You can always take the easy out. you can always get away from the torment you suffer. But in the end you must ask what have you truly accomplished? this is a question we must pose to ourselves, upon taking each action. What will I accomplish? The Hows are not always clear. Nor are the Why's. But simply asking what affect our actions will have often times will clear the confusion we face daily. My question i always ask myself, is always "is this right?" I can not stand the aberrant and immoral actions of many of the popular people in the world today.
The terrible part is that Lisa is now happy. Her situation has done a 180. She is in a house, and she has space. She is perhaps even more alone than before. As before, it is far more important to I am happy that she is doing better, and yet the manner in which her situation has changed does distress me. Call it being a consumate Boy Scout (Eagle Scout actually.) But I am obsessed with doing the right thing always. I am finding out little tid bits about Cassie and the terrible situation Lisa was in.
On the other side, Cassie, despite whatever can be said about her is probably in a desperate situation. It is hard to be high and lofty when people suffer. my first inclination is to take a small amount of that retention bonus and go save Cassie from her situation. I offered to do just that. I am not trying to get reward. in fact i am terrible. when i have money i can't give it away fast enough. Even when i do something for myself I often do things on the side for others.
Ultimatly whatever happens I doubt it will directly affect me. As much as i have been involved in the pas couple of days, I am removed from the situation geographically. If not, i would probably be far more involved. Where do my Loyalties lie? Women are exceptionally good at complicationg matters.
So here's the skinny. She was staying with Cassy, and was absolutly miserable. I had never heard her cry before she got there. Well today she went to work, and now sits at a bus station waiting a trip to her sister's house in El Paso. Her parrents baisically said that if she didn't take this last chance to get out they wouldn't save her if it all went to hell. So naturally she took the out, as most people would. Her greatest worry is not that Cassy will hate her, but rather that i will hate her, and think she's a bad person. She needs, desperatly now to know that i don't think she's a bad person. Problem is the Bad people that i have meet have been so obviously evil that good and bad often take on larger scales
Unfortunatly, this leaves Cassy in a bind because she has no way to pay the rent, and her family has stated they WON'T take her back in, because she chose Lisa over them. She has a small son, and no job, with a moutain of debts. So the question remains, what to do?
It's almos plainly obvious to an outsider this is a case of he says she says (only they're both she's) . I can not take sides. Even though i am mor favorable to lisa, The simple fact remains that I am caught in the middle. I have become friends with Cassy, and Lisa. Complications abound. I can neither pass judgement, nor can i approve. So what is it to be? I can not save Lisa and i can not save Cassy from her situation.
So like the Democratic part i will stick my head in the sand and hope it goes away. Much like the screwey situation with my PCS, this couldn't have come at a worse time. So what do i Do? ultimatly i will do the best i can, and go from there. I will do as i prommised though. I will see lisa off to BCT. It is the least i can do. And who knows maybe there is something there. Maybe that is the face of my new girlfriend. of course she might just be another in a VERY long list of regrets. time will tell.
There was a time when I was young
There was a time when I was free,
And there were many songs to be sung.
This world was cruel,
I had been crushed, and left for dead,
But then I found my jewel.
Some said it was awful, and obscene,
Some said it was wrong and dirty,
But i saw it for what it was; I saw its sheen.
This was not any ordinary thing,
This was a precious love beyond all reason,
And for the first time in a while I had to sing.
How could my jewel not make me happy?
All around might laugh at me,
Call me stupid and sappy.
But I do not care a lick
For my jewel is all I need,
It cured me when I was heartsick.
You ask what could be so precious in life?
Well I’ll tell you, you see,
It's the heart of my loving wife.
and by the way that is the ONLY time i will ever post in PINK!!!
Monday, November 20, 2006
RED, ORANGE, YELLOW, GREEN, BLUE, INDIGO, VIOLET.
Great news, Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix (year 5) is comming out in July. DAMMIT. i can not wait for it. the trailer looked AWSOME. oh and of course the much anticipated "Book 7" ahhh the anticipation is going to kill me. to bad i'll be in Iraq (like i was for Prisoner of Azkaban)
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and debts are high
and you want to smile, but have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must but don't quit.
Life is queer with it's twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a Failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems far;
So stick to the fight when your hardest hit,
It's when things seem worse,
that you must not quit.
All in all a hell of a road trip. I am up for it, but is my car? I've only driven that far once and to tell the truth i didn't want to repeat the experience. Still. Promises are promises. Though i truly hate to admit it family is family, and in (VERY) small doses can save your sainity. I have to wonder though, if it is better to just not tell them and show up or tell them. oh well I'll figgure it out.
One thing that is really pissing me off though is that i have been up for many many hours now, and i am WICKED tired. I really want to go to sleep. but of course everything needs to be done durring the day, and it is not at all convient if you work the night shift. What is a poor soul like me to do? i never thought these people would be trying to take their pound of flesh after they've already got my dignity.
one final function. One final gathering, and i am gone. Ah i won't miss this place a bit.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Since Iraq, however, my poetry has taken a dour mood. often forlorn, often expressing lack of hope. Some of the things i wrote in Iraq were expressing, to a nonexistant lover, the need to be saved from myself. it was how i coped with the night the rocket hit the pods. The screaming, the blood. I tried not to let it phase me, but the images, like a terrible broken reccord replayed. my therapy, writting poetry, helped clear that.
I suppose it's also important to mention the treatment of the EPW that night. Or, rather lack thereof. I walked into that bunker and saw him. The most powerful, bitter hatred swept over me. BLEED. One word, and yet, at that moment it was the onlyone that could have applied. I wanted him to bleed for my soldiers. I looked at him and i wanted to kill him. If his gaurds had not been there i would have killed him. I would have beat him to an inch of his life, and then ended it. Such hatred is something that has left it's mark on me. For the first time in my life i wasn't witness to evil, i became evil. and that is something i can never forget.
However on with the show. Enjoy this poem i wrote in Iraq, entitled "Save me"
I think of your head hitting a soft pillow,
I imagine so many things of you.
Your smell, your walk, all the things you do,
I dream of a first kiss under a willow.
But the moans bring me back to the now,
The blood is everywhere,
Most people would be so horrified they’d stare,
I want to go to you but I don't know how.
They keep coming, screaming,
They keep bleeding,
With wounds too grotesque for reading,
My only respite is when I’m dreaming.
I dream of you and your soft face,
I dream of your soft smile,
Hoping and praying all the while,
That you'll be there when I leave this place.
How can I tell you about this?
I pray you'll hold me when the nightmares come,
Easing my anguish until I am numb,
To find salvation in your sweet kiss.
The booms fill the air, night and day.
I’m so tired I can barely move.
I feel jagged where once I was smooth,
How can people live this way?
I love you more than words can tell,
I wish I could be there now,
But I am in this place and I don't see how,
Please, my love, save me from this hell.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
I can not complain because i asked for this, but now the very real problem of getting up to snuff on pt and *ahem* weight. i'm totally screwed. back to the old MediFast and 500 calories a day. Still it would have been nice if it had paid off last time (WEST POINT!) not that i'm bitter about it.