there comes a point where there is no turrning back. Where all your hopes and dreams are completly out of your hands and you are at the mercy of Fate, that cruel mistress. If you have invested yourself enough, if you have put all you are into a course of action, then you are bound to it, and must accept the consequences. For many, they know this fear only once in their lives, and yet, time and again, whatever power I have, I invest completly into one goal. My life becomes wrapped up in this, to the point that I simply CAN NOT divorce myself from the consequences of my descisions.
Whatever it is, the Army, life, Love, drinking, I ALWAYS accept the consequences of my actions, and put all that I am into whatever I do (of my own accord). Sometimes the result isn't what I'd like or even expect. One can not predict what may happen if other people are involved. Be that as it may, I do not turn back, until it is clear that there can be no going foward. Till all aveues are exausted and hope was lost three streets back. Some call me a fool for thsi view point, but I can never turn my back on what and who I am, just as I can never turn my back on those around me.
I have taken the first step today towards a moment such as this. A breaking point from which there can BE no return. Dare I go through with it? I will not say what exactly I did here, but only that it wasn't cheap, and that it is something I can not turn away from, once enacted. For half an hour I stared. Enthralled that it could mean so much and yet be so small. It called to me as I stared. "I am the one you need" it seemed to say to me. "You know this is what you should use". Even though it was an inanimate object, I was still enthralled and somehow it called to me.
It seems like utter insanity now that I have it. WHY? WHY THE HELL WOULD I EVEN WANT TO DO THIS? I can not answer my own question. I felt so much misgiving, and my heart pounded like a beat of a war drum. The rest of the world seemed to fall away. My voice seemed not to work at all as a helpful woman tried to tell me about the item. Her voice seemed a distant muffled mumble as my eyes could not tare away from it. even when i payed for it, everything seemed distant and muted. BY GOD I AM REALLY DOING THIS! I can not belive this. Part of me is screaming for reason, and yet, yet, this is the path I know I must take. What had seemed like a good idea just a few days ago, now fills me with doubt confusion and fear.
I have taken the first step. There is still time to turn back. I can still pull away. I can hold onto it and never use it. I could take it back, say i had changed my mind. But i know that i won't do that. I can't do that. My actions and the actions of others have led me here. Despite the protests, I am going foward. I wonder now, if this will lead to "riches" or ruin. I can not answer that, I can only say that this feeling that I had only a few short hours ago hasn't left me. My hands tremble and shake. My ears seem deaf to the world. My heart thunders in my chest barely contained by the bone and sinew. My lungs burn and ache for the cold biting air. It is as if I had just wrestled Mighty Hector. No insurgent has yet put as much fear in me, and no near miss has made me feel so alive. Strange that should feal such fear over something so small.