I have literally lost just about everything I cared about. The sad fact is that whatever the hopes I might have had i had long ago lost lisa and it wasn't until last night that it became truly clear to me. When her new boyfriend answered the phone my last, tenious hope was ripped away in one of the most horrible fashions imaginable. The hurt was so intense I couldn't think, or see or really do anything. I don't know how i called for a cab or even what was talked about on the drive.
And thus I ended up at Mustangs a partially nude strip bar. Ironically it's where i go when i WANT to be depressed. if there's anything more depressing than watching semi (and sometimes not so) attractive females dry humping a bunch of horny soldiers or desperate middle aged men, I sure as hell don't know what it is. It's actually kind of sickening. the feigned interest and the lack of any real meaning to any of it. Strange that I should despise so much a place I frequent. I started off with 4 shots of Jack. One for every soldier I've lost. It's something of a tradition, when I drink. I'd say "to. . . " raise it high and down it. after that the night became a blur. I kept drinking, and at one point durring the night got into a heated conversation with lisa. It was somehow clear to me in my inebreiated state that there was something akin to disgust with me.
I trashed Nicole, and Marissa, who both for the most part want to help. Nicole for finding it so easy to leave me, and marrisa just because her "hang in there" attatude got annoyning. I trashed my mom for all the bad advise she had given that slowly poisoned my dealings with lisa, and in the end I silently raged at the world. Finially when it was clear to me just how over it all was i went out back behind the club and let out what could only be descrived as a howl of rage. For the first time since Harrelson's memorial, I cried. I had thought, tears would never again flow from these eyes but I guess I was wrong.
I staggered into "the Q" a sports bar right next to mustangs and continued to drink until closing time. I know this might sound odd, but it was a good think i was as drunk as i was. If i had been a little clearer i am certain (now) that i would not be here writting this entry. I saw no worth to my life, and saw nothing worth saving. I saw a man that inspired others to betray and leave when they were needed. Picture if you will a rock climber giving out rope to others, so that they could scale some moutain. When finally the rope was needed for himself there was none left. Litterally at the end of my rope.
But there was an intervention of sorts. A soldier from 1/16 gave me a ride back to the B's. And there we talked about a few things (couldn't tell you what because i was so drunk) but it was a good thing. The kindness of strangers can save a life. I crawled to my room, which by this point was spinning. I simply stripped and started taking a hot shower, but i passed out.
When I came to it was to puking and a lot of hot water beating down on me, but something was different. The pain was gone. All the pain and anger and fear that had been so apart of my relationship with Lisa was gone! No longer would the love i felt for her torment me. Hell even that was gone. All I feel now towards her is the saddness, and pity, that comes from inevitibility. I know now what she will miss and what she will go through. It amkes me kind of feel sorry for her. But I am free. And as I sat there vomiting up all the bile in my soul as well as my body, one word went through my head. . . Destiny I can no longer shy away from what I was born to do. I can see it so clearly now. I know what steps I must take to start. There is nothing to fear now from my call to greatness.
Be that as it may i can not simply march off and declair "I am great" if it weren't for the army, I'd go into imposed solitude in nature. Go out and comune as it were. Unfortunitly I can not do this. In one night i have severed all my contacts to what I was, and I need time to decipher what I AM. I can not rise to the occasion if I do not know what I have become. It truly is a shame, that i can not simply walk out into the hills and disapear for a time. I will do the next best thing. I will disapear from the net. I am not going to post another entry until i have found answers. Nor will I use myspace, facebook, or really ANY form of e-mail. Even my phone will remain largely turned off.
Until then. Goodbye. Good Luck. Farewell, and Amen.