I think it's over for good. God i think it's finally over forgood. I'm pretty sure it was Katie who left one really nast comment about lisa. So fo course Lisa read it and was furrious. As such she won't believe me. I WAS at the PX surfing the net when it happened, and I honestly don't know how i had the energy to even make it back to the barraks. She hates me so and i feel crushed.
At one point i simply couldn't walk anymore, and i had to lay down on the grass and just look up at the sky. It was still blue, but god almighty do i feel empty now. Once i got back to my room my feet took me to the internet center. Cursing my foolishness, I sat down and mapped out a plan to fly to Seattle and rent a hotel for one night next weekend. I was one click away from acheiving that when i tried to call lisa and tell her the plan. i called three consecuitive times, and a dude answered.
jesus i really did push her into the arms of another man. AGAIN. i feel so cold and numb. If i didn't take such a dim view of suicide i'd probably walk right in front of traffic right now. I think i have litterally lost EVERYTHING that's important to me right now. i can't believe i bought the ring this afternoon. god what was i thinking.
i havn't had more than a few beers aside from the first night when i actually did get drink. My pancreas is starting to hurt again and i'm off to go get absolutly drunk to make it hurt more. god dammit. how could thisd happen? i really have lost her. oh god no. no. please