I won't lie. Nicole and I have become strangers. Although I think that's tragic, worse is realizing how different you have become. At first the rift was formed because she didn't know what to say, then i guess I added to it by blaming her in some strange way for some of the pain I felt. I think there was some kind of miscomunication.
Well I was talking to her, and i made a casual observation that she kind of throws herself into these things peice meal. I mean Hungery is cool and all, but while she is out there landscaping AND she is taking vet tech classes. I can understand some of what she does, after all there are plenty of times that I had to go out on adventures, but her way of doing things always tends t0 ring with a strange sense of not wanting to face her life. I suppose it is the same for people that join the Peace Corps. It's like she's doing all these things that give off this "Holier then thou art" air, and at the same time wresteling with the same rebelious nature ALL people experience. I won't detail some of the things she told me, tu they are definatly not the activities of a graduate of whatever bible institute she went to.
What she responded was that at least she had a direction. I was absolutly stunned that she'd turn around and deliver a low blow like that. I kinda tried to pass it off and joked that my direction was strait down, and she said she never had any doubt that her direction was strait up. At that point i simply could not say anymore to her other than "Judge not lest ye be judged". I had hoped that she was above that. My whole life I've had to reconsile issues of Faith. If you asked me what my faith was i would respond loudly and proudly "Christian" but mor then that. . . I will not deny my faith or my belief in Jesus, but I steadfastly REFUSE to push my faith on others, as it is my belief that if a man needs faith God will touch him, as he touched me.
The idea that if you simply accept Jesus and all your sins are forgiven scares me. How easy is it to go from that to Indulgences? Where a wealthy merchant can slip a bishop a few coins and his sins are forgiven? Or how far is it from that and screaming "Allah Huakbar!" as you commit terrible acts. The phraise "God is great" has become synonomis with acts of murder, rape and all the worst things of human nature. So it is a sort of creed that I follow wen it comes to religion. "Judge not lest ye be judged". I can only say steadfastly what i feel in my heart is wrong, and try to avoid that, and prevent that from happening.
How many times have I heard "all you have to do is. . . " some simple thing and everything is ok. But Life and God don't work like that. Mercy is not imposible, but aside from desiring Mercy one must have the will to EARN said Mercy. When the preacher says "if you died today, would you go to heaven?" I can't honestly say yes or no. I have done things on both sides of the colum. but i will stand "on the carpet" and say to Him "i wasn't always a good man but i tried to do right by You. and i will let Him judge me. If He decrees I Burn, then I will accept that as my fate and punishment, and try o do what is right.
What bothers me the most about the conversations aside from the obvious religious implications is the personal ones. True i have been moping and whining, and I really can't blame anyone but myself, I have a far harder time accepting that she of all people would actually sat something like that. My direction in life has been for the last five years simple. War. That is what I'm good at despite my fervent wish to the contrary. I just can not accept that Nicole of all people would act in such a way.