Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Powerless to Change

This morning before moring formation I watched an episode of House, in which repeatidly House said people don't change unless they have to. The patient was suffering from a "hanging kidney". The patient went from being a hit Pop producer to a devout practitioner of an orthodox version of judaism. The sub plot (or perhaps the main plot) was trying to let his friend date a former romantic interest that was as caniving as he is. While prime time drama is to say the least complicated, it did get me thinking. People don't change unless the need arises.

I can certainly attest to that. I did not change my ways till i was backed up against a wall, and I almost HAD to join the army. Many people are that way. I know people can change spontaniously, but that is so rare that it could almost be said to be a non event. Almost everytime people have had to make a dramatic change in their lifestyle, or their outlook on life, it has been because that change is forced upon them. New Parents, soldiers at war, etc.

i was faced with yet another example on the A&E documentary "intervention". Baisically a show about a family or a group of people comming together to preform an "intervention" and force an adict to go to rehab. The ones featured today were all Meth users, but again both the ones I saw didn't go willingly, they were in a sesne, forced.

I realize that while I am highly adaptable, able to go into any environment, from sparce to opulant with equal grace, and little complaint, but that adapitbility only goes as far as the surface. I can adapt to the environment, and the situation, but there are limits to the amount of change I can bring about.

I am and will forever be disorganized. While it is usually seen as a negitive thing, it has allowecd me to think unconventionally. However, when the situation requires me to be organized, I often fail at the task presented. The problem I have with sequencing, while better now then it was when i was a child, is sadly not ever going to simply go away, and has in certain instances been crippling. While I admit being set in my ways, I am also able to see what those ways are for the most part, and steer myself into situations that are benificial to those ways.

Seeing old friends from 2/16 today did help, it also illistrated the differences in my life. Stern, a PFC when I left is getting promoted to Seargent, which in its own way stings a little. People are different in some ways but the same in so many others. It would motivate me if I were not stuck so firmly in this stangnantory spiral. I can see the change, and yet I stay the same, or my perception of myself stays the same.

Perhaps one of my worst habbits is to cling to the past with such vehamence that you'd think it was my only sourse for life. It is a sad pattern in my life that I refuse to believe that things are changing, even though things can, do and often drastically change right in front of my eyes. With Lisa, Nicole, and a dozen other Ex girlfirends this is painfully evident. I didn't get over the hurt of Martha looking down on my service until I had a more painful psychological wound from my deployment. When I am alone I cling to these fantisies all the more desperatly. Sadly this has made things so much worse for me. In all honesty while I would like to think I have been a major part of all their lives I admit that I am at best, a footnote.

Now, the letters I've written, with as much fire and passion as I could muster in a warzone, (and later in a hospital, and finally back at Riley) now seem very inapropriate, and though they were asked for, it seems almost wrong to send them. Wrong to to get rid of them. so the nessisary change, can not happen because I am unsure what outcome I want. Perhaps there is some small part of me that holds on to them for posterity, so that when the time comes I will not be remembered as a crusty tired bitter old man, but a young man with fire and passion.

So now I am on the verge of change yet again. I will soon be forced to give up this stangnant life anf go "back up on the hill". But behind that is Erika. Although there is nothing set in stone, and she sometimes vehimently denies I am anything more than a friend, there is something there. There is chemistry that is undeniable. But the thought of my job makes her uneasy. Very uneasy. She recently wnet to a friends wedding,a wedding she didn't approve of because the guy was a jerk, but also because he is a soldier. I think at the heart of it, she saw herself in that position and wondered if she would have the strength to be a military wife, or even a military girlfriend. It is not a glamorus life as movies might suggest and it is harder than most. She says that I would be perfect boyfriend material if I weren't in the army, but that is one change i can't accept just yet.

Have I really been in so long that I have become instatutionalized? Somehow the thought of getting out is less agreeable than the thought of going to war (again). It is understandable ecinomically, but on a more personal level, though I have often fought it and many a tirade was directed at it, I have found Purpose. Not the signifigance of Destiny, no that is reserved for a recurring thought I dare not utter aloud, but i have found a place. It is hard, but it is mine and in it's own way it provides comfort to me. Could I give it up if i had to? I don't know. But as i think about it, would anyone but a few individuals shed tears for my passing? Maybe it is time for a change that will allow me to be remembered by more. maybe it is time for change. But what change must I now make? If only I had hindsight on this one.

1 comment:

Archaic Dome said...

Coupla things, Mikey. First, you say chemistry is undeniable. Be careful you don't get yourself hurt again. Make sure the undeniable chemistry is reciprocated to the same standard. Second, I know how you feel about being a Soldier. I hate being a civilian, but I don't think it was being institutionalized. I think it's seeing in your daily job a purpose higher than yourself, and feeling the driving need to fulfill the expectations of duty, honor and country set by the thousands of men and women who already set the bar so high. I get you.