If there's one thing I can not stand is screwing with my emotions. I hate the fact that people have in the past and continue to think that "playing a little joke" on me is just fine. It's one thing if it's a small joke like people in the army usually play on eachother. Tying eachother up in sleeping bags, and things liek that, but one thing we never did is lie about our situation to garner sympathy. Now I'm not sure what people heard back home. I often said things to the folks that I suppose were an exaguration. but I never said I was going to die.
Tonight Erika had me going, thinking that she had an inoperable brain tumor. She had me believing that she was going to die in a year. For perhaps ten mins or so, she had me believing that the reason she can have such wild mood swings is because of the tumor, and that she doesn't love me because she doesn't know if its the tumor or not. Then she just out of the blue says PSYCHE!
Those that know me well know that I was lead on a lot as a kid, and I got hurt pretty badly. Being a child of middle class around kids that were most definatly upper class, i was the subject of more than a few cruel hoaxes like this. Everything from homework to girls that liked me, etc. Now, I find anything of the sort absolutly revolting and it makes me angry in a way that only Haj has managed to match. that deep smoldering fire that manages to make everything dark. That terrible place where all the potental for great harm lies. In short my own personal Dark Side. A fire that if ever inspired to burst forth, would burn all in its path.
I just about lost it then and there. I was going to suggest a lot of things, and I truly wanted to help her, but the fact that she had done it all as a joke to put me off guard. . . well just goes to she she doesn't really know me.
If I have one real enemy, it has always been death. It is the one subject that I don't play around with. If there's a chance someone might die, I go into crisis mode, and my whole way of thinking changes. Ever since I was young, and watched "Grandpa" Bill die of lung cancer, Death has been the one thing that I have hated above all others. I have seen the slow decay of death by cancer, and i have seen the *relitivly* quick death by trauma. I've seen 19 year olds with their cervical vertabre seperated, and babies dead from SIDS. If there is one subject for which I NEVER make light of, it is Death. That Erika stil thinks this was funny, and that I'm just overreacting is part of the problem. For now I don't want to talk to her. Call it what you will, but I will not have someone that claims to love me play with my head. I've suffered enough at women's hands and I refuse to allow them to get inside my head and twist it around like so many have in the past.
For now I will not do anything. Let her think about this. Let HER worry. I don't care. If she wants to play games then so be it!