Saturday, October 25, 2008


Jessi said when she "officially" ended things that the only way I'd ever get back together with her would be if i went to church with her. She leaves for Ecuador on the 1st, but essentially my window to see her is this weekend and this weekend only. I am debating it. I have a nasty half cocked habit. I will do things, or consider things that are TOTALLY insane. Driving 14 hours, just to go to her church, then turn right around and drive another 14 hours, well everyone would tell me strait away that its insane.

So what Do I do? Option C: Call her. It's actually pure luck that I had anything in my phone with her number on it. I talked to her for a while. My phone shut down three times. She cried. A lot. Her life is just as crappy right now as mine. Her mom is getting married, her dad is a deadbeat, and she is really freaked out about Ecuador. The really sad part is that my over reaction came at the worst possible time. So it seems in this time I come off as more than a jack ass.

So what happens now do I simply walk away? or do I try to mend things?

Monday, October 20, 2008

The boiling kettle

In the last two weeks, I have wanted to neither talk, nor be talked to. Even texting and IMing seem like a lot of effort. I've gone from a need to attack everyone anf everything that has ever hurt me especially women, to wanting nothing more than to curl up into a ball and have some one tell me it'd be alright. My darker thoughts on the fairer sex have returned in full force, leaving me with some truly brooding moments.

It probably doesn't help that it's "Brest Cancer awareness month" Not that I'd wish cancer on anyone but just why exactly should we give a rats ass about this type of cancer when there are others that are far more horrible, painful and yes disfiguring? I never hear of a "prostrate cancer awareness month" and no one wears any god dam ribbons for pancreatic cancer, or lung cancer or skin cancer. It seems so dam self centered, when this is one of the most treatable cancers around!

Then theres all the god dam bright colors. All the shape hugging clothes. EVEN IF THEIR SHAPE IS THAT OF A GOD DAM HIPPO!!! It seems like at every turn I'm acausted but extreme femininity. its hard to forget when the only shopping center nearby is jam paced with so many god dam stores for women that you think females run the dam planet. And all of it so "innocent" the giggles the smiles, it all seems like the world is having a good laugh at me. As if all the joys promised in those smiles, giggles and expertly maintained looks will never be mine to enjoy.

Worse I think almost EVERY SINGLE, EX I'm still in contact with has said, word for word almost the EXACT SAME THING when it comes to dealing with this latest heartbreak. Cheer up, better you know know, you're still young, and the right one is out there. Dear God, If I hear that one more time I will fucking scream! Lets see Lisa is getting married (to the jodi she left me for) Erika found the man of her dreams, who apparently hasn't learned how to deal with things himself and has to be bailed out of everything by his family. And now of all people, MARTHA has seen fit to swoop back into my life and give me advise on love and life in general. she's got a two year old and is going absolutely gaga over him all the freaking time. and of course all three of the aforementioned women have said the SAME FUCKING THING!!! Even Katie MaQueen has said as much.

What am I supposed to say to all of this? I feel more alone than ever. I feel hopeless, and the simple act of leaving my room has become. . . difficult. More than getting food at the DFAC, I have been almost paralyzed. I'm so glad to know that Jessi was so dam quick to move on with her life, but now, if its at all possible, I feel worse than I did when Lisa dumped me. I feel like this hopeless morose motherfucker that can't get anything right.

Perhaps the worst part of all this, is that no matter how much I throw up the "i don't give a rats ass" flag, I'm still universally described as a "good man". Its like I'm some kind of dudly do right that everybody wants in their life, and for some reason I CAN'T KEEP A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!!! the thing that has me beating my head against the wall is that pretty much all of my ex's (maybe with the exception of Lisa, I've been a bit of a dick to her lately) keep telling me what a great guy I am. How unique and rare I am, and how rare it is to find someone as good as me. I ask this: If that's the case then why, why WHY did (all of you) break up with me? it nearly brings me to tears with sheer insanity of all of it.

The simple fact is I honestly don't know how I could hurt more. It feels like losing Jessi over something so dammed trivial is like a dam Greek tragity. What Doom have I brought upon myself that I am forced again and again to bare my soul only to have it thrown again in my face. Truly:how much more pain can I take?

so I sit and watch movies in my room and try to pretend I don't feel the cold Icy hand of Death upon my shoulder, slowly chilling my soul, and paralyzing me with fear. I might as well be in a George Romero flick for all the good my personal life has done me.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Faith, and Futility

It is always said that you can not argue with a zealot. No matter what you say, no matter how you phrase things, if you say anything contrary to their world view you are instantly outside, and its doubtful that you'll ever get back on the inside. You'll forever be an outcast. Religion is one of the most divisive. I knew that at some point Jessi and I would have it out about Faith. The fact is that I was hoping to avoid the . . . discussion, for as long as possible. Unfortunately she delivered to me an ultimatum. If there is one thing that will get me hot under the collar it is being dictated to. In that sense perhaps I inherited too much of the old Irish spirit.

Whatever the case she said quite clearly and plainly, "I'm going to the Congo on a missions trip in 2010, you're either ok with it or we need to re think this". I can not begin to tell you how absolutely flabbergasted I got. How outrageously angry I got. My problems with this are many but I'll try to stay with just a few.

1). The Congo, such as it is, is
no place for missionaries of any type. It is a violent turbulent region, due in part by the influence of European and Asian influences. Lets face it, pretty much anywhere you have Islam and Christianity together (with Judaism somewhat included in there) they're pretty much guaranteed to fight. And the undue influence of colonial European powers on Africa have left it in a state of near constant civil war. The sad truth is that the Eruo-Asain conflict of ideology, and the theocracies involved are being fought out in Africa, where nobody actually cares who wins, gets killed or how many times "ethnic cleansing" (see GENOCIDE) takes place.

2). she has neither the training, nor the mindset for either A). an active war zone or B). a survival situation. While it is true that people can be resilient, modern miracles are few and far between. and "being ok with dying" shows a complete ignorance of just how truly terrible death is, and can be. Were her group to be taken hostage she, as a white woman, and a good looking one at that, would be tortured and rapped, if she were lucky, she would die shortly after that, but seeing as white women are a comidity in the black market slave trade, chances are she'd see only the darkest side of humanity until that death came. learning what plants to eat and which ones not to, for certain regions takes
months and lets face it, the Congo is crawling with things that will leave you in a bad way. were she to become separated from the group I doubt very highly that she'd have the knowledge to survive and forage.

3). She is going for the purpose of spreading religion. While I personally believe the spread of Islam has become problematic in recent years, the simple fact is that the spread of a sort of Christianity should also be taken with a grain of salt. Conversion is a strange and tricky business. If one is not careful, one will force people into things, and faith, is one of those things you
just can't force! aside from the resentment you eventually engender, you lay down a host of new problems. Not the least of which is that the message you spread has a life of its own once it leaves your lips. The easiest way to put this is "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"

But perhaps the worst part is this was my girlfriend talking about doing something I wouldn't do with anything less than a rifle company. Worse the more blindly Reassuring about her Ecuador trip she got the more visceral my reaction got. How the hell am I supposed to feel about the GOD DAMM CONGO? It put me into turmoil and anger. Not even a week before our planned weekend in Chicago. Meet my mom, spent time together, yadda yadda.

I think the thing that scared me most is that when we got to talking about when we really talked about it, I realized that she was a
fanatic! She doesn't chant to the tune of the Imam, her tone of voice was the same. That almost unreal joy at her faith really disturbs me. Is it because of mom? Or is it because of the Insurgents? I don't know but a person without Doubt really REALLY scares me! Worse, she would propagate the same willful ignorance in whatever children we might of had, and taught them a narrow view of the world that, sadly, would make it all to easy for them to go along with whatever the Church, State, or whomever else. Nothing scares me more than willful ignorance.

I tried (futilely) to explain that Islam and Christianity worshiped the same god, and that "allah" is not a different entity, but really just the Arabic word for "god". Big Mistake. Apparently she and I do not worship the same God. I later, trying to be clever about it, said "I never knew Christianity was a multiple choice religion". Simply put things ended there. I apparently don't have strong enough faith to be her man. So I got dropped like a bad habit.

My thoughts and feelings on Religion are. . .complicated. As am I. I was willing to change my wardrobe, my outlook on a lot of the shallower things in life, and really pretty much everything. If she'd been patient, I would have changed a lot for her. But the one thing I wouldn't
couldn't change was my faith. Some one said and I don't know who "we walk by faith" and I certainly had to.

In Iraq (ironically pretty much "bible town") if you don't have some kind of faith, the doubt, fear and uncertainty will eat you alive. If I wasn't devout in my belief that God had a plan for me, then I would have been [more of] a wreck.
The simple fact is that I really do love Jessi. I really do want to marry her, and I really do want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I can't change who I am. No matter what anyone else tells me my mom was right in one thing: I will regret letting her go.