Monday, November 12, 2007

One vet that wishes he weren't

Alright ladies and gents, here's the skinny. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A VETRAN!!! All that i've gotten for my troubles is an empty room in the barraks, an empty life, and a lot of memories I DON'T WANT! I stayed away from the parades, because simply put if another person thanks me for my service I'll scream. Truth is folks, it's NOT FUN. War isn't cool, and playing soldier isn't a way to honor me. Here's a thought, instead of acting like jackasses, TAKE SOME DAMM RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. The sickening part of returning home is seeing every part of the culture trying to absolve itself the consequences of their mistakes.

Honor is not dead, nor is chivalry, but at times I feel I'm holding a banner in the middle of a storm of chaos. Is it really so hard to do the right thing? Don't lie, and don't make excuses for your actions. You did something you knew was wrong, you might as well live up to it. If you can still look at yourself in the mirrior good for you. It is just sad, I think, that this nation is so quick to run from mistakes (the current war in Iraq is a perfect example) that they forget important lessons. I can not fathom it all.

What did I do for this 4 day. Well I went down to the Emporia area to see a lady. Although it could not be considdered a dats, I think we hit it off, the bad part. . . flashbacks. They've been comming more and more frequently. Hearing Drew scream as I shoved the Kirlex in, seeing SSG Beaumont's dazed look, Price. Even the moments that weren't traumatic. The first time I let myself cry after Craig made it to the loyalty aid station. and. . . Lisa. I won't lie, part of this rant is infact directed at her, but it also is directed at society at large. There I was holding another woman in my arms and for a moment my mind convinced me it was Lisa. I'd thought I'd rid myself of this but apparently my subconcious delights in tormenting my concious mind.

On the way back yesterday, I was listinening to audio version of Harry Potter, and screaming at no one in particular. Shit I hadn't said since I got back. It's like the slow spiral into madness. My obsession with Lisa is sad and unhealthy, but every time I try to break away she says something that makes me feel ashamed for trying to. What the Hell.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

I guess I DO still have a gag reflex.

Endoscopy. Baisically shoving a camera down a person's throat to see what they can see. Now I was told in the CSH that they'd probably do this in Germany. That was a whole MONTH ago!!! Not that I'm at all bitter about the treatment I recieved at the hands of the army. Or the past MONTH, of nearly unmitigated HELL!

So first they won't let me start until i call my unit. So i call someone and let them know what's up, then they put the IV in. Now i only vaugly remember the surgery I had at Scrips Childrens hospital, but I do remeber they numbed me up before sinking the IV. So to, did they do that here. I din't feel a thing, and when i saw the blue cathiter I laughed. "Sink a 14" I said "22 isn't manly enough" the nurses all had a laugh. They weeel me down, don't ask me why. Then I warn them I come up heaving, so on goes that most joyous of drugs phenagrin. Ahhhhh. then of course while I'm cracking jokes the vancamiacin goes. Next thing I know I'm waking up somewhere else. Ahhh vanc.

After that an MRI, which I find out later is all clear. I have no idea what all this means because right now the Vanc still has me all messed up, and it hurts to swallow. But good news is, (hopefully) I'll be heading back to war, and maybe just maybe i'll be able to put the whole month of october behind me.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Happy (?) Birthday.

Another year older. 24. It kind of scares me to think I'm almost half way through my 20's and I really have nothing to show for it. Most of Americans have gone to college or at least started it by this point. Some are well off, most are not. BUt in my case, I've got almost 20 moths in a combat zone, 13 months in an ER, and a load of memories I DON'T WANT!!!

Dad had come out to be with me. we decided, after a while, and a lot of indescision on my part, to go to Colorado if nothing more than to see the moutains. We drove most fo friday night, and stopped at a hotel on the 3rd. My birthday. If I'd been in Baghdad, I'd have gotten a pink belly and maybe a few calls to family, but it'd have been just another day. This birthday followed without a doubt the WORST month of my life.

On the way to USAFA (the Air Force Academy for you unmilitary folk) Lisa calls and asks for help. She got a No Pay Due, and was without money when she was getting groceries. She said that she knew it was kind of messed up because she'd been a "bitch" to me (her words not mine) I Told her I'd see what i could do. Now at this point a whole can of worms spilt out. For some strange reason I was filled with a sense of urgency, but I also started really having floashbacks.

Enter one Colorado State trooper. Apparently I'd been going 92 in a 75 MPH zone. I don't know how fast I was going really, but I do know that there are some things that happen when your focus is elsewhere like combat, and this wasn't the first time I've gotten a ticket, because my mind was "over there". My dad was furrious at the trooper. I personally think he went a bit far questioning his patriotism, and he was to the point of tears, trying to sway this trooper. Of course that made the guy act even more like a hard ass.

After that we (finally) got to the USAFA stadium. Well it was near half time and it was sold out. I wasn't in the mood for this so i kindo of paced while my dad tried asking everyone under the sun for tickets. While doing this i Happened to glance sidelong at some AF cheeerleaders. What a terrible thought that I might actually take orders from them. After much haggling we got in, and after much waiting Helen (my God father's second daughter) showed up. It was strange seeing her again, all grown up and (somewhat) mature. It reminded me of some of the things she had done in childhood, and I knew she'd grow into the person she is eventually. It was good to see I can still be right about SOME things.

After the game, well, I went to the local BX. After some trouble with the Western Union I spent $265 to send $200 to Lisa. The second time I've helped her out this way. Strangly doing something good (helping her) made me feel WORSE not better. I won't say what was said between us after I sent this, it was obvious that she was thankful but i have a feeling that it's back to "giving her time". I want to believe she didn't use me, but the more i try to defend her, the more feble my arguments become. There is a terrible truth I do not want to face, that despite the goodness I've seen in her, she's givin in to a side of her that. . . well a side that will lead her to much grief.

It's strange. There is a numb feeling in my heart. Like I've just been drifting. I can't tell you what I'm going to do. I'm not going to do "something stupid" but by the same token, I'm far from "ok". If there were one year I wish I could "do over" it'd be this one. On my last birthday in a drunken depression Lisa, trying to cheer me up sent me a pin up pose picture. It was funny to wake up to it. A month from now. . . would have been a first "aniversery" People keep telling me I'm better off without her, but memories of her keep surfacing, much the same as my nightmares don't go away. Dammit all.

One final thing. If not for my friends, I honestly don't know how I'd keep from sinking into a catatonic state. All the issues I didn't have time to deal with durring my deployment, have come crashing back, far worse this time than last. If it weren't for Katie, and Anja, and a few other notable mentions, I'd be toast right about now. I'm another year older, and yet at times, i feel like I'm 44 not 24.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Slow Recovery

It's not easy moving on. If it weren't for the constant Txting of my friends I'm not sure how well I'd do. Strange as it may seem, this event which should seem consequential compared to all the suffering and death I've witnessed should have been just another thing to add to my list of disapointments. I will not speak ill of Lisa, nor do I allow my friends to. It seems odd. Most in my situation would curse her, and call her all sorts of names. I don't think I could be mad at her if I tried, Just hurt. Even though she has a perfect rationalle from her point of view, it still feels like a betrayal. I suppose i can not fault her. Someone is there and offering her love, where as I have so much doubt and uncertanty it's hard to love me even in the best of times let alone when you're filled with doubt and uncertanty yourself.

The raw pain is slowly abating. It's hard to think that I'll be able to feel good again, but for a few moments today I forgot my hurt. It's funny, if I didn't have my cell some of this wouldn't have happened, and yet, if it weren't for my cell, than I'd have simply sunk into an unconsolable depression. I was very near simply checking myself into the hospital. I had never in my life serously considered suicide. I had always said that it was only cowards that took that rout, but the pain became so great I could barely do anything.

Halloween was painful because images of her in the halloween costume she describbed, and knowing I not only wouldn't see it but that after whatever party she went to. . . well it sux to have an active imagination. I simply couldn't bare to get dressed up and go out because thinking about Halloween just made me think of her. Even seeing little kids running around trick-or-treating didn't improve my mood, and I love kids.

Katie, is a good person, and I really do appriciate that she holds her tounge more than she normally would. Her scathing comment about Lisa while often delivered with far more spite than I could