Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Lost Love (a manefesto)

I'm Tired as hell and havn't been sleeping well so if this seems disjointed bare with me

There are always cause and effect. There is always a reason for why things happen. I have spent time wondering how the hell I came to this point. How did my relationship with lisa seem to end up on such a lousy note. God knows i pour my heart into everything I do, and my feirce love for her never abated, if anything it just got stronger. So how did we end up here? I took time to identify what happened and this is what I learned. Though neither would admit it at the time we were BOTH at fault.

To be sure i may have marginalized my share of the blame on this blog. A point which enfuriated Lisa more than I had acounted for. When i thought I was acounting my side of events I tried to be unbiased, but sadly that is nearly impossible. That wasn't the beginning. The beginning actually happened AFTER Lisa left baisic. She went for letters all the time, to no hand written letters and only scarse few e-mails. This was confusing to me. I didn't understand. Ultimatly Lisa had lots to learn and a life again (or something resembling it) but unbeknownst to me, everytime I called kept her going.

Ultimatly, asking others for an explination for things i did not understand, I got advise from men (and women) who had reason to be jadded in their expeirenceses with the oppisite sex, and finally talking to mom and her "she doesn't know what she wants yet" speach, while it seemed like wisdom at the time and seemed so true (it is in a way) Led me to make a SECOND major mistake. The first was not telling Lisa how important her letters were to me and asking her to continue. I did the "just friends" line.

Time passed and i realized my error and i tried to hint (but did not tell) I wanted her back. Even though conversations with her seemed strained again i can not fault her, because she had "a life" to live. It's hard to drop everything for someone that, even though very dear to your heart, is far away. Ultimatly there are no easy ways to sum up the comunications problem. Part of it lies in the fact that there were days, I'd stay up till 0200 or 0300 in the morning with a mission maybe shortly there after, just to hear her be somewhat distracted as she talked to me. It hurt. But i didn't say anything and I should have. What's worse, it hurt that she'd only say "i miss you" occasionally, and i guess she was really trying to tell me I love you.

There was also emotional problems. I will not even guess what type Lisa has, but it is clear she had a hard life and was never valued as a person. I wish only that i could find some way to show her i never stopped seeing her worth, or hoping that I could be there for her. There is such goodness and tenderness in her. That the world has not noticed it is a tragity. But my emotional problems are the focus here. Depression is the first and easiest to spot. Though I often Play it off, I have bouts of deep depression. Guilt, Fear, Doubt, and the emotional scars, not only of my service in Iraq, but from my life before. My social awkwardness, borne from a childhood spent on the "outside" looking in. I've always felt alone. For a few brief moments Lisa gave me hope, and made me remeber what life is. Sadly it is far too easy to get lost in your own pain, as I did, and ignore just how much others care. If anything the response to my post "taking a break" on myspace, makes it clear that I am loved. I just couldn't see how much.

Finally The foolish feeling that Lisa didn't want to see me leading to an entry on this same blog that made it seem that no woman wanted to see me. I was a fool to think that because she didn't post didn't mean she didn't read. I unknowlingly drove her to the arms of another man. It wasn't till I got home I realized the gravity of my errors. But sadly again lost in my own pain I ignored hers. And again drove her to the arms of another man. Now that all my cleverness has been shown to be foolish pride, and i realize just how monumental of an ass I've been to her, I simply gave into despair. Even when I thought that I was better off, I realized I wasn't. Since my last conversation with her I've felt numb one moment, then full of something close to panic (I have to fix this!!!) followed by utter despair (It's too late, she's already gone.). When I tried to call her, i was one click away from going AWOL, and trying to fix this in person, which would have been the worst mistake I could have made I think, for more than one reason, but her new boyfriend answered, the rest is history.

Perhaps the worst part was last night. Every time I closed my eyes I say Craig. Broken Jaw, sputtering blood all over the back of the driver's seat in 2-3. But it was different, He'd open his eyes, and ask "what have you done to deserve a second chance". Then I'd see the awful fire that engulfed 2-2. I'd hear the rounds cooking off, I'd see Hasi running up to extinguish the fire, but he stopped and asked "aren't you gonna try Doc?" and Instead of LT saying "Harrelson's KIA" he said "you've got to get in there Doc" "I can't it's too Hot" a round wizzes by my head. "He's got someone he won't blow it with." he shouts "But I can't get close!" i screamed in pain. the fire burns my hand as I try to reach in. Spanky is still screaming in inhuman pain. then his black and chared face looks at me, his eyeballs starting to melt "I would have had a good future doc" he said it ever so calmly as the flesh pealed away from his bones. And then there was Lisa, she was in Drew's place, a bad wound to the leg, and I'm trying to save her shoving Kirlex in, she keeps screaming for me to stop hurting her, but i have to do it I say, I realize then that i'm not packing gauze at all but stabbing her. It was a long night to say the least.

It's taken a lot of friends telling me to be patient to finally calm me down. Some of these friends I had lashed out at, and been forgiven by. This is the true test of friendship, and despite the fact that at the time I felt completly alone, I was not, by any stretch of the imagination. I am amazed at how forgiving people have been. I may not have realized it at the time, drunk in mustangs, but there are a lot of GOOD people around me, and in the world in genral. I do not know where this leads me but it's good to know.

At first I simply didn't know how to cope, so i did what always made me feel good. I hit the gym, and i Hit it Hard. I'd sprint on the treadmil for as long as i could stand, then imediatly went into a strenious workout. I'd focus on a muscle group and lift till i could barely lift my arms let alone the weights, then i'd switch up and lift some more, and just for shits and giggles I'd do abs afterwards. But this was not a good solution as my pancreatic "attacks" returned, with a vengance. Over Four days I hit every major muscle group, and all four days I ended up on my floor withing in pain. Not a good solution but at least i had a physical focus for my pain. Even if the docs told me it could kill me.

Finally my thick skull absorbed something. She made her choice. In the end it took three of my closest friends, and one of my battle buddy's fiancee/ex-wife (LONG story and not mine to tell) to make me see this.

Katie, who left a scathing comment about Lisa and really pissed her off, even though she does not know Lisa doesn't like her for a veriety of reasons. It was a personal dislike I think. Part of the reason Katie disliked Lisa so much was the affect Lisa had on me. The confusion doubt and uncertainty, in a place where such things can kill you. Katie also disliked her for what she called "waffling" but I honestly am not sure what that means. True this makes Lisa seem like a horrible person which is not correct in any strech of the imagination. She's a lonely person, and sometimes lonely people are so desperate for love they'll take it from wherever they can get it.

Nicole, who I had lashed out at in a drunken rage (and subsequently been forgiven by) took a similar view of Lisa, again not because of any of the things she had or hadn't done, but because of the affect on me. She took a more religious approach. She told me that if it WAS right that I'd be with Lisa then (eventually) it would happen. She told me i had to listen to what my heart told me, which actually might be a bad thing because at the time i was thinking about going AWOL or certan more extreme options. (i think deploying WITH her or extending to stay on the same FOB as her is a BAD idea, but i can't help but feel if she goes before I make amends then it really and truly WILL be over) Over the years she's always given me sound advise, if it has been a little bizzare at times.

Anja, the Ex-wife/fiancee of Sgt Johnson helped me out a lot this morning. when i was still serously contemplating going AWOL to see her and do. . . something. She told me that I couldn't just sit in my room txting her all the time (woops). But I have to give it a few days (um maybe more?) and she MIGHT talk to ME. She told me I needed to take a break from myself, because all that is going through my mind would drive me nuts (i think she's VERY right) That friends would help me out by keeping me busy, so I wasn't just sitting around. She knows about *complicated* relationships and she didn't imediatly question my rationalle only advised that I temper it. She told me that If I really thought Lisa was worth it, I'd find a way. Anja gave me hope that it's not all over, and eventually I may get another chance. Anja offered to call but i think having a laundry list of people i know calling her would be a BAD idea. still I really do apriciate the thought.

It was the last one, Andrea, (ironically one I'd hurt almost exactly one year before lisa and I started dating) who had gone through a whole range of emotions, before finally simply being a friend, that said it best. We BOTH made mistakes. Browbeating myself about it isn't going to do anything, and even though I was willing to lay it all on the line, it simply wasn't in the cards. And although I really did ephasise my foul ups, not even knowing Lisa, or the situation Andrea said simply that it's hard to be a military Girlfriend, and sometimes you have to accept that. In closing she said that Lisa was faced with a choice and took the easier of the two. She asked me if faced with thad descision again what would she chose. I know it's hurt Lisa, but the truth is I simply don't know.

I do not know the whole situation with "shane" nor do I want to. I know simply that the desperation to get her back is slowly being replaced with a sadness, a deep sadness at the inevitablitiy of things. That my conversation with her about the little spring at the top of the pistol grip may well be the last i have with her. I don't know if I'm ok with that. But I really don't have much choice in the matter.

Gertrude, often seen as a semi-antagonist to Hamlet (she was his mother) did give him one truly sound peice of advise "Hamlet, this above all things else, to thine own self be true." I have not been true to myself. I swore as a matter of Honor (you may break all my bones and strip my Dignity away but when I surrender my Honor I am truly Lost) that I would NEVER even THINK about dating a married woman. I made an exception for Lisa because it was a "contract" marriage, and had little meaning to the man (seeing as he is gay). I made so many exceptions for her. My "rules" my ethical code, is something I cherish because it keeps me from giving in to my darker elements. It keeps me in the right. I say this not as a testament to how far I've fallen, but as a testament to just how much I love her. Even after he tried to kill me I put the life of an Iraqi man above my own because eventhough I would have LOVED to see him die, he became my patient, and I was going to do my dammedest to save him.

Many a good, and I suppose more importantly interested women have I turned down on the sole basis that they were dating someone, or worse married to someone. Even if i had the key, the one idea that win Lisa's heart, I can not do it now. To try to break up another's relationship because "I was here first" or "she's mine" or even simply because I love her, would be wrong, no matter how much I care. No matter if I can no longer even look at her picture without a deep gnawing sadness and longing, I WILL NOT DO IT!!! It is who I am to always at least attempt to take the hard right, over the easy wrong. Some may see it as stiff and rigid, but it is simply who I am. I must hold my tounge. And should she ask for help repairing her relationship with him, I am obligated to help. Chivalry is not dead.

This morning I spoke aloud. As often happens one does not know where these words originate from, but I said "I will spend the rest of my life with her or I will spend the rest of my life waiting for her." It is not an oath as such, so I am not bound to it, but for now, I will follow that, until such time as I am forced to either swear it or disavow it.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

You Win some, but Lose More

I have literally lost just about everything I cared about. The sad fact is that whatever the hopes I might have had i had long ago lost lisa and it wasn't until last night that it became truly clear to me. When her new boyfriend answered the phone my last, tenious hope was ripped away in one of the most horrible fashions imaginable. The hurt was so intense I couldn't think, or see or really do anything. I don't know how i called for a cab or even what was talked about on the drive.

And thus I ended up at Mustangs a partially nude strip bar. Ironically it's where i go when i WANT to be depressed. if there's anything more depressing than watching semi (and sometimes not so) attractive females dry humping a bunch of horny soldiers or desperate middle aged men, I sure as hell don't know what it is. It's actually kind of sickening. the feigned interest and the lack of any real meaning to any of it. Strange that I should despise so much a place I frequent. I started off with 4 shots of Jack. One for every soldier I've lost. It's something of a tradition, when I drink. I'd say "to. . . " raise it high and down it. after that the night became a blur. I kept drinking, and at one point durring the night got into a heated conversation with lisa. It was somehow clear to me in my inebreiated state that there was something akin to disgust with me.

I trashed Nicole, and Marissa, who both for the most part want to help. Nicole for finding it so easy to leave me, and marrisa just because her "hang in there" attatude got annoyning. I trashed my mom for all the bad advise she had given that slowly poisoned my dealings with lisa, and in the end I silently raged at the world. Finially when it was clear to me just how over it all was i went out back behind the club and let out what could only be descrived as a howl of rage. For the first time since Harrelson's memorial, I cried. I had thought, tears would never again flow from these eyes but I guess I was wrong.

I staggered into "the Q" a sports bar right next to mustangs and continued to drink until closing time. I know this might sound odd, but it was a good think i was as drunk as i was. If i had been a little clearer i am certain (now) that i would not be here writting this entry. I saw no worth to my life, and saw nothing worth saving. I saw a man that inspired others to betray and leave when they were needed. Picture if you will a rock climber giving out rope to others, so that they could scale some moutain. When finally the rope was needed for himself there was none left. Litterally at the end of my rope.

But there was an intervention of sorts. A soldier from 1/16 gave me a ride back to the B's. And there we talked about a few things (couldn't tell you what because i was so drunk) but it was a good thing. The kindness of strangers can save a life. I crawled to my room, which by this point was spinning. I simply stripped and started taking a hot shower, but i passed out.

When I came to it was to puking and a lot of hot water beating down on me, but something was different. The pain was gone. All the pain and anger and fear that had been so apart of my relationship with Lisa was gone! No longer would the love i felt for her torment me. Hell even that was gone. All I feel now towards her is the saddness, and pity, that comes from inevitibility. I know now what she will miss and what she will go through. It amkes me kind of feel sorry for her. But I am free. And as I sat there vomiting up all the bile in my soul as well as my body, one word went through my head. . . Destiny I can no longer shy away from what I was born to do. I can see it so clearly now. I know what steps I must take to start. There is nothing to fear now from my call to greatness.

Be that as it may i can not simply march off and declair "I am great" if it weren't for the army, I'd go into imposed solitude in nature. Go out and comune as it were. Unfortunitly I can not do this. In one night i have severed all my contacts to what I was, and I need time to decipher what I AM. I can not rise to the occasion if I do not know what I have become. It truly is a shame, that i can not simply walk out into the hills and disapear for a time. I will do the next best thing. I will disapear from the net. I am not going to post another entry until i have found answers. Nor will I use myspace, facebook, or really ANY form of e-mail. Even my phone will remain largely turned off.

Until then. Goodbye. Good Luck. Farewell, and Amen.

Saturday, October 27, 2007


I think it's over for good. God i think it's finally over forgood. I'm pretty sure it was Katie who left one really nast comment about lisa. So fo course Lisa read it and was furrious. As such she won't believe me. I WAS at the PX surfing the net when it happened, and I honestly don't know how i had the energy to even make it back to the barraks. She hates me so and i feel crushed.

At one point i simply couldn't walk anymore, and i had to lay down on the grass and just look up at the sky. It was still blue, but god almighty do i feel empty now. Once i got back to my room my feet took me to the internet center. Cursing my foolishness, I sat down and mapped out a plan to fly to Seattle and rent a hotel for one night next weekend. I was one click away from acheiving that when i tried to call lisa and tell her the plan. i called three consecuitive times, and a dude answered.

jesus i really did push her into the arms of another man. AGAIN. i feel so cold and numb. If i didn't take such a dim view of suicide i'd probably walk right in front of traffic right now. I think i have litterally lost EVERYTHING that's important to me right now. i can't believe i bought the ring this afternoon. god what was i thinking.

i havn't had more than a few beers aside from the first night when i actually did get drink. My pancreas is starting to hurt again and i'm off to go get absolutly drunk to make it hurt more. god dammit. how could thisd happen? i really have lost her. oh god no. no. please

the Breaking Point

there comes a point where there is no turrning back. Where all your hopes and dreams are completly out of your hands and you are at the mercy of Fate, that cruel mistress. If you have invested yourself enough, if you have put all you are into a course of action, then you are bound to it, and must accept the consequences. For many, they know this fear only once in their lives, and yet, time and again, whatever power I have, I invest completly into one goal. My life becomes wrapped up in this, to the point that I simply CAN NOT divorce myself from the consequences of my descisions.

Whatever it is, the Army, life, Love, drinking, I ALWAYS accept the consequences of my actions, and put all that I am into whatever I do (of my own accord). Sometimes the result isn't what I'd like or even expect. One can not predict what may happen if other people are involved. Be that as it may, I do not turn back, until it is clear that there can be no going foward. Till all aveues are exausted and hope was lost three streets back. Some call me a fool for thsi view point, but I can never turn my back on what and who I am, just as I can never turn my back on those around me.

I have taken the first step today towards a moment such as this. A breaking point from which there can BE no return. Dare I go through with it? I will not say what exactly I did here, but only that it wasn't cheap, and that it is something I can not turn away from, once enacted. For half an hour I stared. Enthralled that it could mean so much and yet be so small. It called to me as I stared. "I am the one you need" it seemed to say to me. "You know this is what you should use". Even though it was an inanimate object, I was still enthralled and somehow it called to me.

It seems like utter insanity now that I have it. WHY? WHY THE HELL WOULD I EVEN WANT TO DO THIS? I can not answer my own question. I felt so much misgiving, and my heart pounded like a beat of a war drum. The rest of the world seemed to fall away. My voice seemed not to work at all as a helpful woman tried to tell me about the item. Her voice seemed a distant muffled mumble as my eyes could not tare away from it. even when i payed for it, everything seemed distant and muted. BY GOD I AM REALLY DOING THIS! I can not belive this. Part of me is screaming for reason, and yet, yet, this is the path I know I must take. What had seemed like a good idea just a few days ago, now fills me with doubt confusion and fear.

I have taken the first step. There is still time to turn back. I can still pull away. I can hold onto it and never use it. I could take it back, say i had changed my mind. But i know that i won't do that. I can't do that. My actions and the actions of others have led me here. Despite the protests, I am going foward. I wonder now, if this will lead to "riches" or ruin. I can not answer that, I can only say that this feeling that I had only a few short hours ago hasn't left me. My hands tremble and shake. My ears seem deaf to the world. My heart thunders in my chest barely contained by the bone and sinew. My lungs burn and ache for the cold biting air. It is as if I had just wrestled Mighty Hector. No insurgent has yet put as much fear in me, and no near miss has made me feel so alive. Strange that should feal such fear over something so small.

Friday, October 26, 2007

What I Failed to See

It is strange. I read them a million times, but looking back on the things I've written (and some of the comments left) i realize there was a pattern I simply didn't see. I feel like a jackass for not seeing it. I feel like a fool, for allowing my perseptions, clouded by the feeling of hoplessness I felt, to lead me astray. I can see now where all this went awry. Of course Hindsight is always 20/20

Can anything unto damage done. Somehow, i don't think so. I just don't know anymore. I don't know anything anymore.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Well Shit

so a lot has happened since my last post, and I'm not sure where to begin. So I'll start with the news:

THE FIRES: Well as everyone knows there are major fires in SoCal. in my home town of Fallbrook, there was a masive evacuation. The entire town was emptied. Most of the roads out were cut by fire. So they were sent through Camp Pendleton, the entire town. I was told that the average speed was between 5-10. I can not imagine this, I am not sure if there was panic, but my mom has been watching Fox News nonstop.

It is a small sidenote that the response to this disaster has been phenominal. In COMPLETE contrast to the Katrina response. Both Local and State officials in both cases are polar opisites. Add to that the People are vastly different. While there are some people taking advantage of the situation (looting is nearly impossible to stop) it is nowhere NEAR the pre/post Katrina looting. Also people are genuily being charitable towards eachother.

So what does this tell you? I think that despite the fact that Katrina was a longer drawn out disaster (once the fires are out it's pretty much rebuilding) the people in New Orleans didn't try to help eachother nearly as much as they should have. The Local government went to peices and didn't evacuate till right before the huricane hit. the State government. . . not much better. Now years later we still hear "Katrina Katrina, Katrina. . . " as a warcry of those who feel that everyone else failed them. Although i am not mitigating the tragity. . . it didn't have to be as bad as it ended up being. Look at San Diego.

LT Michael Murphy: All that can be said about a MOH winner, is simply "they were Heroes." I will only say this: Heroism is not uncommon. Yes you can find a lot more of it among the military. It is shameful that this isn't remebered. As amazing as it may seem people honestly see people in the army as dumb stupid, and that honor is a concept for fools. Be selfish if you wish, in the end if there are no selfless people the country WILL collapse. If you do not fight for your freedoms, then you will lose them.

It sickens me that we that take up arms for our home are forgotten so easily. It terrifies me that some people in america do not even know what a Medal of Honor IS! How did we come to this point? Politics sickens me, but I fear that I mucst (eventually) take up arms for the cause of descency, so that men like LT Murphy are not forgotten so easily.

Ok so on to personal things. I had my Psyche review yesterday. As I keep trying to tell people, I am not entirely crazy. But if you read my write up I have "chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder", "Adjustment Disorder" and a few other notables. Wow. I never knew how fucked up I am. It's kind of funny. I am not sure if I am cheering for the crazy, or the sane. Well It doesn't matter. I've been given the "All clear" from psyche.

I am not sure if I am glad to hear this, or if i am pissed that i'm getting short changed. I think it's kinda funny that I might be crazy. Part of me uses it as an excuse for all the things that I do that might be considdered . . . strange. Haha it is something you'd have to know me for.

Last but not least, Lisa. It is a saga, damn near an epic. last night, while she was on CQ we were texting back and forth and after she said something inconsequential, that reminded me of an earlier incident she asked for my help, I lost my cool. Something, sadly that has been hapening all to often. what i said, well since my phone doesn't store messages, i can not repeat. But how i said it is what's important. All the hurt turned to rage, and boiled over.

This morning brevet my anger, I had only the dismal sinking dispair that has come to color my conversations with her. I baisically said goodbye. To which she wanted to know why i was simply walking out of her life. Even after the hurtful things i had said she still wanted to know. I tried to explain how much it hurt, why I was so angry, all these things. Finally she asked the question she had been repeating. so i told her what i had been planning on doing.

Against the advise of friends, family, leaders, hell pretty much everyone I talked to, I had a plan. As usual with my plans, It was half cocked, but I was going to ask her to marry me when i went home on R/R. The only reason I put on a previous post about no one wanting to be with me was because some of those people that had told me to "dump her fast" or "cut slingload" or even "fucking run" read this very blog. In my presumptions i hurt her and drove her into the arms of another man. As if it weren't complicated enough this other man was also with another woman, adding to her confusion. When she told me about it a few days ago it became clear just how much this hurt, but it wasn't till this morning that she realized just how deep the pain runs.

The tragity here is that we never comunicated how we felt very well. Not until after it appears this relationship is hopelessly wrecked. I think it's funny in a tragic sort of way, and to tell the truth I'd have cried if i were still capable of it. This whole while it's been emotionally draining, and I simply don't know what to do anymore. This morning I would have gladly jumped headlong into a firefight. Tonight, i am confused, and unsure.

If you had asked me yesterday what would happen between Lisa and I, I would have told you eventually (probably soon) i would fade to a distant memory. I was sure that there was no chance in hell that she and I would EVER get together again. Now, i am again filled with doubt, but this time i doubt the certainty that there is no future between us. I simply do not know, but i need to clear my head and think about it.

It's strange. I haven't done anything dangerous today. I havn't come close to anything remotly scary, and yet i have this feeling like I'd just come off an adrenalin rush, or that that deep fear you get when you hear that SPREE as a bullet wizzes by. Perhaps I had invested myself so much in Lisa, probably more than i realized, that the near loss of her friendship (and love) has me feeling the sameway i feel when i realize how close I might have come to meeting the "Big Man upstairs". My hands have been shaking all day, that cold chill keeps going down my spine.

I do not know where i go from here. I do not know how I got here. I only know that "Here" is NOT where I want to be. Like I tried to tell Lisa, "every complexity is only a number of simplicites woven together." i need to unravel this but I do not have the faintest clue how.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

the Worst Type of Limbo

of all the things that have happened to me in my career, this feels like one of the lowest point. I mean I am now in a place that I didn't think i'd see. I am now in limbo in every way possible. I have almost no attachments. How this happened I have no clue. How did I get here? only a few days ago things were as close to fine as could be. I had my mission i had my job and i had a certain level of peace of mind.

This couldn't have come at a worse time. this couldn't have happened in a worse way. I am told that i am going to be here for at least 30-60 days. that's if I'm lucky!!! It's as if a great hole opened up and i fell into the seventh circle of hell. I can't even really belive i'm here at all! I'm in some strange state of shock, and i have no idea what to do.

Can it be that this is karma gone bad? I suppose there is a lesson here, but what it is i have no clue. I can not understand why this is happening to me like this. It is like my body betrayed men and the Army quick to see weakness zoned in on me and off i went. But in reality for whatever reason it chose this moment to fail. It is painful and i'm trying to "cowboy up" as much as possible but the pain is so bad at times, it's not like before it won't go away, and to tell the truth it scares me.

Lisa. . . i can not blame her. She apollagizes, but the truth is none is nessisary. How sad is it that as crushing as this SHOULD feel, aside from some disquite i feel nothing. It's just another thing to ass to a long list of heartache. Like a last gasp from a dying man my heart felt one little hichup and nothing. My list of heartaches are too long to list. What now? what am i to do?

Despite it all the distant flame of hope is still alive. Dim like a distant memory, but it lights up this long and endless night. The way is still unclear. Where I go from here, is unclear. I don't know what to do. Whare do i go from here. where indeed.

what's the point?

I arrived at Riley last night. What did i get when i came back. Not what i expected. Even though riley is beautiful by my standards (8 months in iraq remeber) i feel empty. Being here is not what i want. I am alone, even though there are familliar faces I feel more alone now than ever. So i want to go back. Sad as it may sound, it is where i belong now.

Lisa doesn't love me. I know she cares but i knew when she got to AIT, I lost her. It seems that this relationship was kept up because i was in a hellish place. I knew it was comming but now i feel even more hallow than before. What is there for me here? It is so sad that the only place I belong is a warzone. Ug

I should talk about the c-130 ride, but to be honest my damm pancreas hurts too much. For some reason it just won't cut out, and it's really annoying me. Nothing and i mean NOTHING is going the way it's supposed to. WTF!?! I just don't get why everything always seem like an uphill struggle. I hate how everything is transitory. Is there nothing in my life that will be perment? DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!

Maybe if Katie comes and visit's I'll be able to relax some. It's always good to have an old battle buddy around. but in the mean time, here i sit here i stay, wondering who i pissed off in a past life to deserve this life i live. ah well at least i get to kill something every once in a while.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

SNAFU: Situation Normal All F***ed Up

So a little back story is needed for this one. When i was 13, i was getting terrible pains in my upper abdomen right below my chest. They would make it imposible to breathe, and they would come out of nowhere. usually they'd last anywhere from 15-30 mins then be gone almost as soon as mysterously as they happened. Many tests (to include weekly blood tests, stool tests, ultra sounds and God alone knows what else.) and weeks later i was diagnosed with galbladder disease. if you don't know what that is it's a littl pear shaped bladder that holds bile prodiced by the liver and squirts it into the small intestines.

so in i go for surgery. It was removed and i got ot stay in the hospital for three days having popsicles at all hours of the night and day (for a kid that's really important) and also my dad got FIFTEEN blockbuster movies. Before it was always one or two, but this was a whole stack (to which I though "man i got to get sick more often!) and some of them were R reated!!! lol the things that are important to kids. . .

Fastfoward to a night in mid march 2003. It came back with a vengance in the middle of the night at BCT. i went to the latrine, and damn near screamed it was so bad. but again it went away. I thought i was clear. WRONG. in AIT it happened again this time in the middle of formation, the Drill Sergeants thinking i was faking left me there. Now OIF II. In the middle of lunch on one of those happy runs into Warrior, to get chow and burgers, and of course whatever the PX had to offer, it happened again. this time i went to a little stall in one of the shitter trailers and waited for the pain to subside. It happened once more in the desert, and twice when i was at the ER at Ft Hood (NEVER get sick in your own hospital!). Thoug this whole time i never got more than a routine examination, becaus as i expected after the attacks were over there was no evidence of anything wrong.

Now. 06 October 2007. While sitting at the Mishtal Gas station, contemplating the vomiting i'd had the night before (i still blame the beef brisket) I suddenly had to puke. out came what was left of my dinner, and of course all the water that had been consumed in the meantime. So yea not plesent but back into the truck i go, and for about two minuets i feel fine (strangely enough) then it hits again. this time i simply can't wait it out. I get out of the truck again and try to just act like i'm going to puke again, but i couldn't stand. I collapsed and started screaming in pain.

Bless the souls of my guys. they may not have had a clue what was going on, they treated me pretty well, their limited feild of knowlege in the subject not withstanding. in a strange way it inspired pride in me. It made me belive that if i were ever wounded they'd be able to save me. of course it was small comfort when i was puking out strait bile all over the conferance table at the JSS. One short trip to loyalty later, it was clear that i wouldn't be staying. so tordol (ketrolac) and phenagrin were injected into my system and i was flown to the CSH (Combat Support Hospital) in Baghdad. They told me it was pancreatitis, and told me i was Germany bound.

For the CSH (pronounced "cash") i'll say this, they treated me with such dignity and respect that I felt sure if I were ever wounded that I'd be well taken care of. But also sadly there was the knowlege that Craig , and SFC Doster had died there, or at least been pronounced there. I stayed one day, and then off to the CSH in Balad, for a short stay before being loaded on a C-17 for Landstul Germany. And again I have to praise the medical staff along the way. They saw that i was well taken care of and that i did not suffer, of course i may have gotten too much morphine along the way, but honestly it made the pain disapear.

So tommorow i head back stateside. Nearly everyone is happy about that. Maybe i just hadn't thought about it but people have been amazing in their responses. The kindness shown to my by the "chaplin's corner" will astound people, or at least it did for me. but that is for another entry. Lisa, when she found out, i was alright, was obviously relieved. It's an odd way to find out just how much someone cares. If anyone reads the comment she left on my last post, you'll figgure it out. I just read it myself. So what do i say? In all honesty, she is the person i go to most when i'm hurt, and she is the one that's (almost) always there for me. all the drama aside (like a rollercoster on steroids) she really does love me, even if she doesn't say it, or may not know how to say it. The scary part is when she was talking to me today and mentioned something about Cassy saying she wanted to plan the wedding when i got home she laughed about it but not actually getting married to me, just the fact that she was already married and in the process of getting a divorse. semantics sure, but also a semi freudian slip.

I can not help but feel guilty. Every step of the way i have been treated as if i were special, as if I were one of the many wounded. That i have no wounds, or indeed no imperical data to back up this pain that i felt, only makes the guilt worse. to see some of the young (and not so young) men broken from this war i can not help feeling that such attention is misplaced with me. I have no wounds, and I was never injured, yet still i recieve such treatment.

Perhaps the worst part is that while i have been living in relitive comfort my guys are back out in sector and here I sit powerless to return where i am needed. The frusteration at the entirely logical reasons why i shouldn't go back (spoken by Lisa, my parents, the doctors, nurses and everyone else) only worsens when i think of that little onramp i know them must pass by. Damm this sickness, my weakness. If i can not be told what it is return me to my place of duty! There is a small fear that this will keep me out of the fight permently. Talk about lousy timing.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Distant Shores

Leave. R+R. Time off. Call it what you will either way it is simply put time to myself, to do what i will, and unwind from all the things this place has done to me. 18 days that i can actually call my own. A gift that can hardly be taken with a grain of salt. While most soldiers look foward to alcohol, sex and in some cases drugs, I look foward to clean air, matress that don't poke you, no raids, and no fear. To let the tension go. . .

What to do? well mom wants to see the Macy's thanksgiving day parade, or a cruise to mexico. I want to see the moutains, and maybe snow, if there's any to be had. I want to explore new places, see the beauty of places i've never seen before. But i also want the comforts i've come to know from home. I'd love to see the new puppies Windy had, maybe the new dog (Fred). All in all it'll be home.

But female companionship? i wouldn't mind it. I'm so hopless when it comes to hook ups, that it'd probably end up being a mercy screw for whatever lady that happened to fancy me. I doubt that there will be any sex for me. Drinking sure, but sex, not so much. Love is in such small quantities these days, that it's hard to really make a conection. Rare is it to find a woman that would be willing to drop everything and say "yes i'll sacrafice my time for you when you deploy." people's eyes wander too easily these days

So i have some Christmas shopping to do when iget back. I'll of course leave presents fro my brother with my folks. For everyone else i'll mail it all out the day before I leave. Otherwise i can not think of anything else that i need to do. oh how nice it will be to feel the spray of the sea on my face, a cool breeze that doesn't have raw sewage in it. Ahh sweet comforts.