Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Women. . . *sigh*

I find myself in the enviable position of being able to "choose" women, and yet it really means nothing at all to me. I have tried again and again to reconsile my feelings, but the truth is that after both Jessi and Lisa, I'm not even sure if I can feel anything despite the fact that everywhere I turn it seems I am eliciting strong emotional responses from women. I have most of my adult life a serries of relationships of what could have been and what should have been. I do not have contact with my first girlfriend but from Martha right up to Andrea, pretty much all of my ex's are married and have kids, the only exception (that I know of) is Lisa, and really, I don't expect that to last long.

And then there's me. Standing here feeling intensely alone trying not to actually notice just how isolated I am. Saturday I had a woman (who was drunk at the time) tell me she loved me, and . . . nothing. I didn't feel a damn thing! In fact if anything it made me feel even more alone. Adoration I don't deserve. Affection I can't return. I'm always seen as this great awesome guy in the beginning, but in the end they all hate me, and then as time passes the hate turns into pity. I'm left with a vague sense of what *should* happen, and I know I am nowhere near that.

I asked Lisa about it yesterday, and she was thankful that she wasn't the cause of it. I didn't have the heart to tell her that this feeling of emptiness started when i found out about her boyfriend, Shane. I don't really have the heart to tell her about the hell I went through after the break up. I put on a brave face, but God alone knows how I tore myself apart inside.

Then there's Jessi. I've tried to engage her in even "hello". I await the day the restraining order comes in the mail. In one of those rare moments when you realize how badly you've screwed up, and are willing to do anything to undo the damage done, those moments usually come right before the restraining order. In my case when I fall over backwards trying to apolagize I come off as a stalker. Just my luck. The woman who was everything I could have possibly wanted, booted out of my life because I am a freaking moron. Now I can't even get her to acknowlege my existance as more than an annoyance. Dear God its depressing.

When I went with Robinette and Rice to the pool, there was some good natured horse play, but I saw how those two interacted. I know Rice has a boyfriend but body language doesn't lie. She was doing a lot more than innocent horse play with him. I sat and watched them, certain to give them their space, but in my own heart I felt more like a sniper, or an observer then, than an actual participant. I felt like a watcher, a vouyer, and the theought at once left me disgusted and feeling ever so lonely. Is this how my life is going to be? Will I be forced to watch others live their lives? Shouldn't this thought fill me with dread?

Then there's Nicole. Truley, aside from Smitty (SSG Smith to all youse bozos) and Jessica (but less so) she is the only friend that I've kept in touch with throughout my military career, and tonight she said simply that she felt she failed me. I said to her that it's not her responsibility, that the only way she could have helped me is if she had married me. Honestly there is no she could have helped me in any meaningful way other than as a supporting role unless she wayhad married me. I get the feeling from her response that the thought had crossed her mind, and indeed there was a breif period where we had "dated" but it was more one of those "the road not taken" type of things. I think that she would have married me in a heartbeat except that i had been a staple of her life and she didn't want to lose me. Isn't that weird?

Finally there is Laura. Sitting somewhere on Ft Bragg with a marriage that probably won't survive her deployment. She to has feelings for me, and I find myself walking a dangerous tight rope. I never want to be a Jodi (dude who steals wives) but the more I offer support the more it is clear that I might become just that. What's funny is she's got just as many hang ups as me. Her history reads like a case study for a psychology paper, and she has medical conditions I didn't even know were possible before I "met" her (thanks to the wonderful Facebook). There's enough in common (Both medics, both with a signifigant history, both with relationship problems) and a few common interests that there is potential. That's even more dangerous because as her marrage starts to fail she might look to me, and thats not good.

So what the hell happened to me? there once was a point that I would not date women on moral grounds. Now any ol thing and it A-ok. I feel like my life is spinning out of control, and whatever there is of me that is the concious mind (the part that says "I think therefore I am") seems like a passenger on this ride. I feel like I'm someone else when I'm with a woman. I want so desperatly to feel and mean what I say, but I just don't anymore. What happened to the hopless romantic? The poet that belived that love would conqure all things? I'm starting to question if love is even real, or worse as more and more of my friends find happieness and get married, that I was never meant to love or to be loved. I fear that I am some wreched creature that I'm only beginning to comprehend.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Hard work, and a well earned rest.

This last week was absoulutly insane. There was not a single day that we did not get released late. Worse than that, *most of* the platoon busted it's collective ass, right up till we were released. It did not help that the higher ups constantly had something to say about things. Lt was good about staying out of things for the most part (Gotta love an Lt that doesn't micro manage things). But SFC Hall. . . not so much. Every time his name was uttered I shuddered inside, for it usually meant more work for the poor souls that remained.

If it wasn't already painfully obvious, Wednesday was an absolute disaster despite the fact that, for the most part we managed to get the Conex packed, there was a lot of waiting that was beyond unnecessary. At every chance I got I tried to hurry the process along, but towards the end when the big heads got together to "figure things out" things slowed up, it was like a train wreck, once the front car stopped, every subsequent car would leap off the rails. First it was the inventory, then it was the insert boxes, then it was the spare Class VIII, then finally it was all the extra stuff laying around.

Thursday was worse but for other reasons. First off we were minus Sgt Sutton, and well for the first half of the day we were pretty much sitting around looking at each other like a bunch of idiots. There were some videos that we had to watch, about Blue on Blue fire, UXO, and things of that nature. They were made at the height of the 80's and it was kinda clear that someone had put a lot of effort to make it look cool, but was horribly out of touch then, now it was just plain laughable. Now it wasn't until the later afternoon that something was comming down the pipe. The FLAs were all stripped except for three, one was on mission and two were in the shop, and it looked like we were going to get out of there on time.

Then there were radios. Any time a high dollar or sensitive item hand recipt is being signed you know you're in for at least *some* pain. But this. . . this was insane. After he personally inventoried the radios and equipment SFC Hall and the Lt were signing for, he had us take it up to the aid station were we did it again!!! The worst part was that he was slow as hell, and he'd constantly miscount menaing everything had to be counted again and again. But that wasn't the end of the day. I had to go out to the AHA to drop off a weapon for AGT Sutton, and off. the day ended at 1810. Just in time to get to the DFAC before it closed.

Of my four day weekend I pretty much burned my first day with just sleeping. Now I've got Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I'm growing more and more desperate to escape this insainity. Why is it so hard for me to walk away again?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Why am I doing this?

Today is part of a short week, only three days long, but its one of those short weeks where they're trying to pack at least 7+ working days of work into three days. There are so many moving peices right now its not even funny. Now I'm *somewhat* exempt from this, seeing as I am chaptering. I'm pretty much detatched, and I've gotten short timer's syndrome pretty bad. But even though I'm somewhat insulated from the stupidity I am not Imune to it.

Today i had an appointment at 0900, which was good because I missed out on the initial handing out of details. But not so good because I was sitting there a prime target for a particularly boring detail, where I had to highlight names all freaking day for people going through the "brain scan". It was some kind of test for people that sounded suspiciously like a TBI test.

I really might have been fine with it had it not, in fact been a COMPLETE WASTE OF MY TIME!!! I men despite the fact that I was getting people to highlight their names all day I wasn't there for the first two groups that went through, so the list was inaccurate. The best part, at the end of the day I simply took the list from the people running it and photo copied it so that the acting 1SG could have a copy. Essentially I wasted a whole day up at Battalion, annoying the shit out of people for something that I could have gotten at the end of the day!

I think even more important than that is the question of why on Earth I would be involved with packing a conex that I will absolutely not have anything to do with for a rotation to NTC which I won't even be here for, and I'm finding it hard not to ask "Why should I care?" Truth is that no matter what I do, no matter what I say this is going to be a hundred times more painful than it needs to be. SFC Hall has a nasty nack of getting involved and making things far harder than they need to be, and I can already see it now. I'm sure half the Connex will be packed and he will have forgotten one critical detail or have miscomunicated it to the junior NCOs, and we'll have to stop what we're doing, rearange it . . . really why should I give a crap.

I ask, in all honesty, what is the point of my assistance, seeing as I'm not trusted to do anything. This chapter, is, well Bull. I know DJ down at the hospital could have gotten me a Med board, and if they'd let me do my job I might actually be less mopey. I mean really, you take away my purpose for being in the army and wonder why it is that I act all down? really? and the Sleepwalking thing, you know its a common side affect of Ambien.

Its getting harder and harder for me not to find a shamtasctic reason to just skip out for the week, and not be involved period. If they think I'm not worth keeping around, why do I care about them? I can't answer it. I keep doing what they ask even though I want to bitch and moan more than ever. What really scares me is that, now at the end of this crazy ride, part of me, a quiet but large part of me, doesn't want to give it up. That thought is, somehow terrifying

Monday, April 6, 2009

Operation Homecomming

There is a documentary called Operation Homecoming. It is a a collection of OIF, Vietnam, Korea, and even WWII veterans talking about their experiences and, perhaps more importantly what it means to write about those experiences. There were stories narrated by Hollywood legends, and something of a photo essay describing the events talked about. Every single one of these stories are powerful, as powerful as if I had said them.

I found myself crying as people I don't even know talked about what it ment to talk about their experiences. How can I explain how I feel? How can I respect myslef if I do not tell my tale? There are things that people need to know, and yet, no one will listen.

I think the story of "Taking Chance" and the one about the MedEvac flight, well there were things that touched a nerve deep in my soul. I know people will not listen to me now, but I can not hope to quiet my soul if I do not at lest try to tell something.

I highly advise, if anyone wants to know about war, or what its like to be a soldier at war, get this movie. Watch it, and learn what it means .