dynasty has been going strong since September 1948 (that’s 65 years for anyone
that’s counting) and every iteration from Kim Il-sung to our most recent Kim
Jong Un, have done everything possible to piss off the world. What’s truly amazing is despite the fact that
in any other nation we’d probably call these guys royal fuck ups, they somehow still get called 위대한 수령 or “Great Leader”. How have they pissed off the world? Let me count the ways.
Kim Il-sung, thinking Russia and
Stalin, not to mention Mao Zedong totally had his back, he invaded the lightly defended southern part
of Korea, that everyone thought would certainly never become a separate country
(the 38th parallel being only important in 1945 as to who the
Japanese troops would surrender to somehow the commies turned that into a
freaking war). The US freaked the fuck
out and sent troops from the 24th 25th infantry divisions
as well as 1st Cav to stop them, and amazingly these poorly trained
and ill-equipped troops . . . didn’t manage to stop them at all. They pushed them all the way back to the
fabled Pusan perimeter, which was a bit like the Korean version of
Bastogne. MacArthur arrives on the scene
and pulling a rabbit out of his corn cob pipe decides to invade the Commie’s
rear. Realizing there were a bunch of
Marines at their rear the North Koreans hauled ass (no pun intended) out of
there and were captured in record numbers.
Seems like the war’s won right? Nah, let’s go North and liberate the shit out
of these commie bastards. It’s at this
point that MacArthur, showing yet again that his balls were too big for the
army he actually had at his disposal, completely
discounts the idea that the freaking Chinese will get involved. The result is one of the worst
retreats/defeats in US history (but of course the Marines somehow spin thins
into a “we won while running for our lives” and really won’t shut up about how
freaking awesome they did. Actually
that’s Marines in general). The Chinese
and the North Koreans manage to push UN forces past Seoul, and the damn city
has to be fought for a third time (by
this point it was more “collection of building frames” than a “city”) and
everybody sets in for a long and bloody stalemate that lasts 2 years and
manages to fire off more artillery shells than all of WWII. In the end everybody agreed to stop shooting,
and that was the end of the Korean War. . . Sort of.
See the Korean War never actually
ended. The Great Leader spun it as a
victory, the US spun it as a not-defeat, and everybody but the poor souls that
actually had to be stationed along the DMZ forgot about it. That was until January 23rd 1968
(for anyone looking at the dates that’s one week before Tet ’68) when the spy
ship USS Pueblo was shot at and captured.
The crew was held and treated pretty severely for over 11 months, seeing
as the US was involved in killing commies somewhere else, Americas couldn’t
really afford to wipe the floor with these buggers. It fell to State and the diplomats to settle
everything while the Republic of Korea (ROK) and US forces continued to glare
pointedly across the DMZ at the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK). I mentioned that the crew was held for 11
months right? Did I forget to mention
the USS Pueblo which is still technically a US Navy ship is still in Pyongyang? Those Kim’s love reminding the world of that.
Thankfully they’re a dynasty, not
immortal (despite having titles to that effect) and in 1994 we got a new Kim,
Kim Jong Il. Despite some rousing
renditions of “I’m so ronry” he was even more bat shit crazy than his dad. He developed submarines that would routinely
try to sneak into ROK and steal stuff (in the process get caught on reefs and
sink) launch artillery in the general direction of ROK, and generally starve
the shit out of the DPRK so he could maintain his million man army. Realizing that his people were getting
shorter than their southern cousins, he wondered “how can I get food for my
army without actually growing it?” Why
develop nukes of course! We’re not sure
if he got help from Pakistan, stole the technology from America or just
downloaded plans off the internet, but it’s pretty clear that despite
assurances that he wasn’t developing Nukes, he really did.
I’m not going to go into all of Kim
Jong Il’s eccentricities, but if even half the shit that is rumored is true,
the guy was pure bug house crazy. A
fetish for Swedish Models, fast cars, musicals featuring him to name a few . .
. it was all pretty nutty. He loved
starting trouble every couple of years, just to remind people that in fact DPRK
was still there, and still a “threat”.
The boldest thing he did (once he had nukes) and once he was declared
part of the “axis of evil” was to actually help
one of the other countries in said axis with their nuke program in exchange for some decent rockets that might
actually make an ICBM. Most people at
this point would be shitting themselves because they hate us almost as much as
Iran does, they have nukes, and they
really want the world to take them seriously.
Then another Glorious Leader dies and
we’re left with his third son, Kim Jong Un running things (apparently the
eldest son was disgraced after trying to go to Disney land on a fake passport).
Kim Jong Un apparently went to school in the West, his classmates completely unaware that “Lee” was
destined to become the tyrannical dictator of a country, and head of the fourth
largest standing army in the world. He’s
only been in office since December 2011, but in that time he’s managed to, in
no particular order; piss off ROK by firing artillery shells at one of their
islands, knock up his wife, given a rousing speech about “final victory”,
managed to “disappear” all the leaders close to his father that were supposed
to groom him for leadership, meet Denis Rodman, and tell Obama to call him (or
piss off we’re not sure which).
Oh, did I mention the student film
quality propaganda films showing the White House being Nuked? Apparently they have an ICBM that can reach
Washington. Now Kim Jong Un is pissed off at the United States, because of the UN sanctions. He’s launched cyber-attacks on ROK, and has
threatened to launch attacks on Guam and Okinawa. He’s really sure that the DPRK can take on
the world, and some policy makers are sweating a little bit. It probably doesn’t help that the new movie
Olympus has Fallen seems to show a successful attack on the White House forcing
America to withdraw all troops from the DMZ. Knowing our luck he’ll think that it really
happened, or worse try to pull it off in real life.
So here’s what we all need to do. Calm Down.
DPRK can’t keep up the rhetoric, and keep up the “super army” it thinks it has, because they literally
can’t feed their people. Yes they do
have a million man army. The Korean DMZ
has ten times that many land mines. They
may be able to cause a lot of damage to Seoul with their tens of thousands of
artillery tubes, but they would just as quickly find very accurate and lethal counter-battery fire from ROK and US forces.
Sure they have an impressive Air Force, but all their Jets are from the
70’s. The ROK Air Force has the latest and greatest America has to offer, and
they know how to use it. Their “Navy”
amounts to a bunch of patrol boats that use old WWII tank turrets as their main
gun. ROK had all sorts of neat toys we
helped them develop.
Kim Jong Un can’t launch a war without
potentially losing all of his power, and he can’t fight anyone without support
from China, which they won’t give because they stand to lose a lot more than
DPRK does. He will try (comically) to goad America and its allies into
launching a war, so he can rally his people to the glorious victory, but we all
know starving people aren’t going to be up for a serious war. Kim DPRK’s whole economic plan was to leech
off the world while threatening war. If
we’re not giving them anything they’re literally screwed because they have
nothing to fall back on. Let him spin in
his hamster wheel. If he tries anything
we will wipe the floor with him. He may be Kim Jong number Un in his book, but
to us he’s just another fat kid who wants to play with the big boys.
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