Monday, November 12, 2007

One vet that wishes he weren't

Alright ladies and gents, here's the skinny. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A VETRAN!!! All that i've gotten for my troubles is an empty room in the barraks, an empty life, and a lot of memories I DON'T WANT! I stayed away from the parades, because simply put if another person thanks me for my service I'll scream. Truth is folks, it's NOT FUN. War isn't cool, and playing soldier isn't a way to honor me. Here's a thought, instead of acting like jackasses, TAKE SOME DAMM RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. The sickening part of returning home is seeing every part of the culture trying to absolve itself the consequences of their mistakes.

Honor is not dead, nor is chivalry, but at times I feel I'm holding a banner in the middle of a storm of chaos. Is it really so hard to do the right thing? Don't lie, and don't make excuses for your actions. You did something you knew was wrong, you might as well live up to it. If you can still look at yourself in the mirrior good for you. It is just sad, I think, that this nation is so quick to run from mistakes (the current war in Iraq is a perfect example) that they forget important lessons. I can not fathom it all.

What did I do for this 4 day. Well I went down to the Emporia area to see a lady. Although it could not be considdered a dats, I think we hit it off, the bad part. . . flashbacks. They've been comming more and more frequently. Hearing Drew scream as I shoved the Kirlex in, seeing SSG Beaumont's dazed look, Price. Even the moments that weren't traumatic. The first time I let myself cry after Craig made it to the loyalty aid station. and. . . Lisa. I won't lie, part of this rant is infact directed at her, but it also is directed at society at large. There I was holding another woman in my arms and for a moment my mind convinced me it was Lisa. I'd thought I'd rid myself of this but apparently my subconcious delights in tormenting my concious mind.

On the way back yesterday, I was listinening to audio version of Harry Potter, and screaming at no one in particular. Shit I hadn't said since I got back. It's like the slow spiral into madness. My obsession with Lisa is sad and unhealthy, but every time I try to break away she says something that makes me feel ashamed for trying to. What the Hell.

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