Saturday, March 14, 2009

The S**T has hit the fan!

I don't know if I talked about it here ( I know I talked about it in my paper journal) but Ambien can make me do some Bat-shit crazy stuff. Officially called sleep walking, or sleep talking, your cognitive centers of your brain check out, and you become. . . well fruitier than a nut cake. I've called people, eaten food, and even had sex (one time) and had no memory of it the next day.

So last Sunday night I was trying very hard to sleep. I had about three or four Ambien left (couldn't for the life of me remember how much) so I thought now would be a good time to take some. Right? baaaddd idea. I not only went koo koo, I *might* have taken more and I ended up in Robinette's room. Bad juju. Well I did what I thought was right and explained the situation to the seinior medic at the course. Another mistake.

Somehow it got reported as a drug overdose, instead of a reaction, or a common side affect. Someone, and I have no idea who, said I took alcohol with it. Someone, and I don't know who, got the bright Idea in their heads that I was suicidal. and thus the pain began. Lots of pain.

First I got an escort to take me to the hospital, and well that was a fat load of fun there. Four hours and in the end they didn't listen to a thing I said. I tried to tell them over and over again that this was a reaction to the Ambien, and I honestly had no idea WHAT happened Sunday night. The whole process had me more and more worked up because no one would listen to me!

I think the worst part of all that was, when it was over in the Hospital, it was out to the field, of a suicide watch. I mean REALLY? It was like Basic or AIT all over, but it was something that I tried to tell people over and over was a common side affect! Well I tried to sleep, but *amazingly* I wasn't able to sleep at all. Worse it was humiliating. I eventually got to sleep. Chemobo helped me out some, but in the morning it was, get out of here, we don't want this dirty little secret out in the open.

I took the hour long ride back to post, and Sgt Morrano took me to CMH. Of course they told me to wait. I went, and they told me I was RTD (they always say that) but that I was definatly showing signs of depression/burn out. He was the second person to tell me that. I go back to class, and the very next morning I go to the head shrinkers again, so that I can have the pleasure of some sort of sleap med. Ambien is out, and some of the ones that doc talked about. . . well she's the first one that really told me what the side affects were. Horrifying what type of things these pills will do to your body. Addiction, weight gain, sleep walking, Lucid states, fatuge headaches, my god just listening to the side affects made me want to just shut up and deal with the insomnia.

That afternoon as I was about to take a shower (stripped down to my boxers) i got a knock at the door. I had to go to the company, and get read the "official" mental health thing. I had no idea there was any talk of chapter in there, just if you want to go to JAG or IG, etc. I didn't think that there would be a problem so I made my concerns known, and let it be. I'm a complete Re-Re

After that I went to picking up the Lunesta (one whole milligram stronger then the last ones I took), I got a phone call from Sgt Morrano that I had to beet feet up to Bn. I wasn't going to jump out of line at the pharmacy. Even when the place was a ghost town it still took me over 45 mins to get my meds (Imagin if the freaking place had been packed!). I found out through Facebook (of all places) that it was the meeting to tell everyone that had an ETS date that was anywhere near now, essentially "you're screwed". Stop Loss is in affect until Dec 2010. Which means I will miss two years of college. That little gem is real motivating.

And then, there was this morning I went to see the doc I first started seeing when I first came back. It was supposed to be a competency eval, but I did not know that the commander wanted to do a 517. A chapter for mental health reasons. My GOD. I'm horrified at the very thought. If I'm going to leave I want to walk away on my own time, and not be chucked out like some lepor. After 6 years 2 months, this is what it comes to?

If I take the chapter, then I'm a shitbag that took the easy way out. I'm abandoning my friends, or at least people that *might* count on me. That is if they ever let me do my job. If I fight it, I'm hit with stop loss and I lose 13 more months of my life, that I'd bargened for, and have to be tail end charlie in the sandbox. I hope anyone that reads this can see my delema. I'm screwed either way, and I have no idea how I will deal with either situation. Either way it feels like a final crushing defeat. I'm almost tempted to look away hand my packet to someone above me, and resign myself to whicheve ghoulish fate is before me.

I think the Psych chapter is punitive and is the command smacking my pee pee for asking for help, and worse for being a different type of person. I think the Stop Loss, is a reall shitty thing to do to short timers, especially if their ETS is right at the beginning, or even before the deployment. It feels like the Army in all its collective wisdom, or maybe more specifically 2-16, likes kicking Joes when they're down. I know one thing for sure, there's no WAY I'm getting another damned counciling for my motivation. Pretty much everybody is operating on Zilch.

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