Sunday, April 28, 2013

Time for a Man Card

Ladies and Gentlemen of the male community, I think it is time we demand action.  For too long we have allowed our males’ testicles to wither into small withered ill-used raisins. The Dude, once the bastion for all that is masculine has become an endangered species, and what few Males remain are easily confused to the fact that they are men.  Gone are the days that a great masculine figure of a private would proudly piss on an enemy like a dog marking his territory, proudly proclaiming how much of a pansy that bitch was.  Gone are the days when a Sergeant with a few days growth on his face would tell a politician to go fuck themselves simply because they were too fucking tired to put on a dog and pony show.   

Well I say E-fucking-nough!  We need to reinstate the national Man-Card law!   We need to get rid of all those sissy fucks that dare refer to themselves as man that don’t even know how to change a light bulb.  How can we allow some yuppie hipster to besmirched the giant brass balls of our Soldiers that doesn’t even know how to change the fucking oil on his gay ass Prius!   How can we look ourselves in the mirror and allow these mega douches to continue to sap the awesomeness that comes from going out and killing, cleaning and cooking over a camp fire your own fucking dinner?  I saw if any paper thin armed vegan dares call himself a man he had damn well better be able to prove it!

This is will not be some amorphous card you can buy at Spencer’s as a gag, but a real Man approved card to prove you are well and truly a Dude, and entitled to all the rights and privileges therein.  There will be a clear and easy task list, things every Dude should know how to do.  How to shoot, how to cook (Dude style, none of that gay French cooking with wine), how to build shit, how to destroy shit, and most importantly how to make a woman scream like she’s having sex with the entirety of the United States Army.  There needs to be standards to follow and a testing system that ensures that you can build a fire with nothing but harsh language while your buddies give you shit for the last butter face you slept with.  

We have to recognize that there are some Men out there that are so manly they automatically get one.  For instance the giant balls it takes to strap into a $54 million jet and be fired off a pitching deck into the open air with little time to recover if someone screwed up, or for making a night drop.  I think we can all agree if you somehow make it into one of the Teams in SOCOM you deserve a Man Card.  Likewise, if you rush into burning buildings to rescue fluffy the cat, or calmly treat a dude tweeking on PCP, or chase down a suspect when you’re driving well over 120 MPH, you had damn well EARNED  Man Card. We can also recognize special beard growth (provided said beard growth is not coupled with an instant NO-GO) and any other Manly achievement that brings honor to all that is Man. 
There are of course NO-GO’s in which a Man Card can not only be revoked but forcibly taken by another duly authorized Man.  For instance, if you actually follow any boy band in any way shape or form.  Not only should your Man Card be revoked but you should be required by law to lose at least one testicle.  If you know how to do a dance that is not in some way shape or form awesome, or if you actually know what the moves are that cheer leaders do, you are a NO-GO!  Likewise if you do anything that besmirches the name of Man, for instance becoming a Hippie (yuppie, hipster or a protestor), or you are too fucking fat to do one God Damn push up, you deserve to get your ass kicked, then get your Man Card taken. 
We are Men.  It’s about fucking time we all started acting like it!  When the retard dressed in a vagina suit tells you that you don’t care about the local’s culture you respond “fucking right I don’t, those fuckers are hitting women!”   Then you proceed to hit that prick like you hit that fucking drop zone, Hard and Fast.  When you hear of some shit head that raped a woman you don’t wait for some court to settle things you kick his Lilly ass!  Blow shit up!  Not because it’ll bring greater understanding or science or shit like that, FUCK NO, you blow shit up because it’s fucking cool!  You go shooting just because, and you’re never stingy with ammo when your buddy wants to come with, because that’s what Men fucking do.
Most of all we Men had damned well be fucking awesome in bed.  It’s no fucking wonder there are so many lesbians, all the men are indistinguishable from the dykes!  Seriously if I can’t tell the difference between the chicks the dudes (small d) and the dykes, there’s something fucking wrong here.  Remember what you got between your legs.  Learn how to fucking use it!  Here’s a hint if you get off and she’s still hot to trot, YOU FUCKED UP!!!  And for the love of sweet baby Christ stop acting like you’ve never fucking seen titties before.  Yes they’re awesome, yes we want to play with them, and have them rubbed in our faces, but STOP ACTING LIKE A BITCH TO SEE THEM.  You’re a Man God Dammit!  When you rock out with your Cock out satisfaction should not only be guaranteed, but they should be begging for more.

We need this fucking Man Card.  I don’t give a shit if the limp dicks in Washington (Big D) will never pass the law, we, the fucking Men of America owe it to ourselves, our sons, but perhaps more importantly to the Ladies in our lives, and to make sure the standards of Manhood are being kept.  Shave with a chainsaw, play ping pong with a grenade, kill a deer you head butt.   Why?  Who give a shit why, you’re a man you do awesome shit “just because.”   Enough of the estrogen displays, we need Men to be Men, we need a way to quickly identify who the real Men are  

1 comment:

Unknown said...

The lost art of Manliness: