I was talking to (Formyely PFC) Price the other day. We went fishing the sunday before last, and I had asked him, very tenitivly, if Harrelson had really been screaming. That was something that hadbothered me the most about that day, that Harrelson had been alive and no one was able to get him out. He told me that it was in fact Drew that was screaming, and that he had checked inside the window and that Harrelson was pretty much killed instantly.
I know it sounds bad but this feels like a great burden lifed off my chest. I felt like I had failed him for not even trying to save him. In truth, when I got there even if he had been alive there would have been no way to get to him, but the thought of that really sweet kid burining alive. . . well you can see why that would disturb me. But from what Price says he actually bore the brunt of the impact and he was dead before the Humvee even hit the ground.
I suppose this does little to comfort his family, or to engraciate myself on all three of my readers, but truth be told it really doesn't matter. The though of Harrelson suffering a fate that I would only wish on my worst enemies, disturbed me, and if you read some of the posts from when I had gotten back I had a LOT of nightmares about that.
I also found out today that I did in fact receive an award for my part in 2-16. I suppose this is the last little bit i needed for closure. One of the most bitter parts about my first deployment is all I got was a stinking COIN!!! I know no one will ever pin this ARCOM on me, and to be honest I don't need it. I just want to have something to point to and say "see I did my part and I got recognized for it!" 8 months of sand blood, sweat, and yes tears. I think I earned it. I'm not out for the medals but it does feel nice to get recognized from time to time.
I think its really strange, that it took so long for me to FINALLY get over a lot of the issues facing me. Doubtless the shakes and nightmares, sleepless nights and the works will plauge me for the rest of my life, but at last I feel like I can put at least some of this all behind me.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
WTF Over!?!??
If there's one thing I can not stand is screwing with my emotions. I hate the fact that people have in the past and continue to think that "playing a little joke" on me is just fine. It's one thing if it's a small joke like people in the army usually play on eachother. Tying eachother up in sleeping bags, and things liek that, but one thing we never did is lie about our situation to garner sympathy. Now I'm not sure what people heard back home. I often said things to the folks that I suppose were an exaguration. but I never said I was going to die.
Tonight Erika had me going, thinking that she had an inoperable brain tumor. She had me believing that she was going to die in a year. For perhaps ten mins or so, she had me believing that the reason she can have such wild mood swings is because of the tumor, and that she doesn't love me because she doesn't know if its the tumor or not. Then she just out of the blue says PSYCHE!
Those that know me well know that I was lead on a lot as a kid, and I got hurt pretty badly. Being a child of middle class around kids that were most definatly upper class, i was the subject of more than a few cruel hoaxes like this. Everything from homework to girls that liked me, etc. Now, I find anything of the sort absolutly revolting and it makes me angry in a way that only Haj has managed to match. that deep smoldering fire that manages to make everything dark. That terrible place where all the potental for great harm lies. In short my own personal Dark Side. A fire that if ever inspired to burst forth, would burn all in its path.
I just about lost it then and there. I was going to suggest a lot of things, and I truly wanted to help her, but the fact that she had done it all as a joke to put me off guard. . . well just goes to she she doesn't really know me.
If I have one real enemy, it has always been death. It is the one subject that I don't play around with. If there's a chance someone might die, I go into crisis mode, and my whole way of thinking changes. Ever since I was young, and watched "Grandpa" Bill die of lung cancer, Death has been the one thing that I have hated above all others. I have seen the slow decay of death by cancer, and i have seen the *relitivly* quick death by trauma. I've seen 19 year olds with their cervical vertabre seperated, and babies dead from SIDS. If there is one subject for which I NEVER make light of, it is Death. That Erika stil thinks this was funny, and that I'm just overreacting is part of the problem. For now I don't want to talk to her. Call it what you will, but I will not have someone that claims to love me play with my head. I've suffered enough at women's hands and I refuse to allow them to get inside my head and twist it around like so many have in the past.
For now I will not do anything. Let her think about this. Let HER worry. I don't care. If she wants to play games then so be it!
Tonight Erika had me going, thinking that she had an inoperable brain tumor. She had me believing that she was going to die in a year. For perhaps ten mins or so, she had me believing that the reason she can have such wild mood swings is because of the tumor, and that she doesn't love me because she doesn't know if its the tumor or not. Then she just out of the blue says PSYCHE!
Those that know me well know that I was lead on a lot as a kid, and I got hurt pretty badly. Being a child of middle class around kids that were most definatly upper class, i was the subject of more than a few cruel hoaxes like this. Everything from homework to girls that liked me, etc. Now, I find anything of the sort absolutly revolting and it makes me angry in a way that only Haj has managed to match. that deep smoldering fire that manages to make everything dark. That terrible place where all the potental for great harm lies. In short my own personal Dark Side. A fire that if ever inspired to burst forth, would burn all in its path.
I just about lost it then and there. I was going to suggest a lot of things, and I truly wanted to help her, but the fact that she had done it all as a joke to put me off guard. . . well just goes to she she doesn't really know me.
If I have one real enemy, it has always been death. It is the one subject that I don't play around with. If there's a chance someone might die, I go into crisis mode, and my whole way of thinking changes. Ever since I was young, and watched "Grandpa" Bill die of lung cancer, Death has been the one thing that I have hated above all others. I have seen the slow decay of death by cancer, and i have seen the *relitivly* quick death by trauma. I've seen 19 year olds with their cervical vertabre seperated, and babies dead from SIDS. If there is one subject for which I NEVER make light of, it is Death. That Erika stil thinks this was funny, and that I'm just overreacting is part of the problem. For now I don't want to talk to her. Call it what you will, but I will not have someone that claims to love me play with my head. I've suffered enough at women's hands and I refuse to allow them to get inside my head and twist it around like so many have in the past.
For now I will not do anything. Let her think about this. Let HER worry. I don't care. If she wants to play games then so be it!
Monday, May 26, 2008
memorial day blues
Most Americans are apriciating this day as a day off, a day to relax. Kids are thinking about all the fun they'll have on a three day weekend, Parents are thinking of BBQ, and picnics, and load of young adults (somewhere between their teens and their thirties) are drinking themselves stupid. But for a select group, this means being honored. It means *some* people taking time to look at them and say "thank you"
This group are called Vetrans. They come from all walks of life, poor to rich, Highly educated to Barely educated, they even come from all over the world. Almost every country in the world has had at least one of its citizens considdered an American Vetran. What binds these men (and now women) together? One of the most horrible things imaginable. War.
There is little harder for an actual vetran than remembering the scarafices of his/her brethren. For the vetren these are not names and dates or distant foggy memories, these are the most vivid and painful memories imaginable. Men you lived with, and learned everything about, men who were still becoming men, or men who are older and far wiser than you are, are torn apart almost literally. Bodies what had once been the height of physical prowess turned into lumps of barely recognizable flesh more reminicent of fresh meat from the market than a human being.
Some people like being the center of attention. Some like the parrades and the attention heaped upon them in this patriotic environment. Most, don't. In Baisic we had to learn the "Nightstalker Creed" I can't remember the whole thing, but i do remember clearly that we were "quiet prefessionals". To me those are usually the people deserving of praise. Not the ones with the best war stories, but the ones who are always ready to go, gear imaculate.
There are no shortage of Heroes that deserve remembering. For my part I can remember four very clearly. On this day, I do not ask for ribbons tied around trees, or for thank yous in an airport, I ask for silence for those that did not come back.
I supposes it's just as well that I slept through this day. I do not need to see a marathon of war movies, or false platatudes of rememberance. I do not care for people to tell me the importance of this day, or for a chaplin to talk to me about the sacrafices made, and continue making. For me ther was the blissfull ignorance of sleep. I keep thinking back to "a clean well lit place". Sleep is easiest for me when the sun comes up. When the sun is full in the sky. Then I know it is safe, and the night will have no power.
This group are called Vetrans. They come from all walks of life, poor to rich, Highly educated to Barely educated, they even come from all over the world. Almost every country in the world has had at least one of its citizens considdered an American Vetran. What binds these men (and now women) together? One of the most horrible things imaginable. War.
There is little harder for an actual vetran than remembering the scarafices of his/her brethren. For the vetren these are not names and dates or distant foggy memories, these are the most vivid and painful memories imaginable. Men you lived with, and learned everything about, men who were still becoming men, or men who are older and far wiser than you are, are torn apart almost literally. Bodies what had once been the height of physical prowess turned into lumps of barely recognizable flesh more reminicent of fresh meat from the market than a human being.
Some people like being the center of attention. Some like the parrades and the attention heaped upon them in this patriotic environment. Most, don't. In Baisic we had to learn the "Nightstalker Creed" I can't remember the whole thing, but i do remember clearly that we were "quiet prefessionals". To me those are usually the people deserving of praise. Not the ones with the best war stories, but the ones who are always ready to go, gear imaculate.
There are no shortage of Heroes that deserve remembering. For my part I can remember four very clearly. On this day, I do not ask for ribbons tied around trees, or for thank yous in an airport, I ask for silence for those that did not come back.
I supposes it's just as well that I slept through this day. I do not need to see a marathon of war movies, or false platatudes of rememberance. I do not care for people to tell me the importance of this day, or for a chaplin to talk to me about the sacrafices made, and continue making. For me ther was the blissfull ignorance of sleep. I keep thinking back to "a clean well lit place". Sleep is easiest for me when the sun comes up. When the sun is full in the sky. Then I know it is safe, and the night will have no power.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Elope? Are you kidding?
I have come in contact with two main forms of feminism, and have come to find both equilly distasteful. One is the "liberated woman" that feels that the world is her oyster and that all the pleasures of the world are hers and hers alone. She LIKES being the center of attention and dresses and acts in ways that catch most men off guard. Somehow all the men in the world are hers to play with and choose like some dinner buffet, and that this selfish attitude makes her anything but a slut. The other is the "power of Woman" your baisic alpha type personality and ego with all the arrogance ascociated with a man with scorn cunning and yes cruelty that only a woman can bring to bare. She dresses in a way that is almost masculine, and is either not pretty or is and wants to be taken "serously" affraid of any hint of sexuality in the work place or anywhere else for that matter. This Feminist WILL be noticed, and who the hell cares how many toes she steps on to get that way. The irony is that while this is the more recognizable as the "feminist" this particular brand is at odds with the other, and often comes into conflict either for reasons of jealousy or because they feel that it is "women like that that give women a bad name"
In recent days I have seen far too many of both, and my faith in almost all women (A few notibale exclusions of course) has sunk to a level somewhere about where the Titanic now sits. In the past three days in Agieville, I've seen both at places where I usually haunt. I have watched in dismay as a gaggle will come in and almost point out which men are theirs, and if that doesn't work well they'll just make men drool over them as they grind on eachother. It's the proverbial fruit of knowlege and serpant all wrapped up in one. A coregraphed life that seems almost hell bent on ensnaring those poor fools that are prone to drool.
But I have also run into the other. I have had to listen to lectures while all i wanted to do is eat my food in peace. I have heard women go on and on and on about how their boyfriends or all the "dumb boys" just don't get it. They talk about all manner of things and how none of it is theri bleeding fault! It really is astonishing to hear them talk about Roe V Wade as ESSENTIAL! I have never been able to see it as anything more than a sensless waste. But I also had to listen to a rant about how army BOYS are the cause of all womens problems. . .something about how they're all stupid red necks. . . and somehow I finally managed to tune it out and eat my burger in peace.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Being right next to a college is bound to bring an increase of misguided and excessive political activism. But listening to all this brought my spirits down. I had hoped for so long that a woman would be able to finally use those "feminie whiles" in a good way and soothe this raging storm of emotion inside me. I had hoped against hope that maybe there would be some sign that there is more to women these days than a screw and a "good luck with the rest of your life". But as each encounter with "post modern feminism" berings more pessimism about the whole sex, so too does hope fade that some day I will have a family of my own.
Part of this pessimism has to do with Erika. The whole "i love you but I'm not IN love with you" thing and of course the "open relationship" has me all twisted in knots. I can not really wrap my mind around the concept. Love is pretty simple. You love someone like a brother or sister or other relitive, and you'd do anything for them but you won't be doing any of the naughty or romantic bits cuz lets face it they're like siblings, Or you Love someone like a lover and you do all the things wou would for a sybling and the romantic and naughty bits. It's pretty simple and strait foward. I'm a complicated person, but I never, NEVER want complicated matters of the heart. Part of the reason the whole fiasco with Lisa hurt (and continues to) hurt so much is because when I love someone I do it unconditionally and when someone says "I love you" I expect, no hope, that they will be as die hard as I am.
Erika has the amazing ability to throw out "signals" and then a second later back track. One second she asks if I'd change my religion if we were together the next she talks about how she isn't dating me and wont. finally I just had enough. The WHOLE thing of marriage, kids all of it. The more i want it the more the thoughts of it hurt me. So I just accepted it. The post modern feminist has won. Congradulations. Families everywhere thank you for the broken homes and the daughters lining up to be the next cracked out celebrity slut.
Strangly this attitude seems to have made Erika into a cheer leader for marriage saying that hey we're going to get married (maybe not to eachother) but yadda yadda yadda. She even suggested eloping. I don't know who she'd suggest I do that with since clearly no one even thinks of me that way, and most of the women I know aside from her are either far far away (and not interested) or are getting married (and not interested). I am so sick of all my friends that are happy and rushing to the alter telling me to cheer up that she'll come along soon, and then all that sappy crap will happen. WAKE UP!!! There is NO woman in the wings waiting for me. There is no wife in my future. If I'm lucky I'll have a (relitivly) quick death by some IED or some Sniper, rather than ending up as a broken down and oh so very alone old man. I am so sick of the reassurances and hollow plattatudes and romantic notions. Haven't women made me suffer enough!?!?!
In recent days I have seen far too many of both, and my faith in almost all women (A few notibale exclusions of course) has sunk to a level somewhere about where the Titanic now sits. In the past three days in Agieville, I've seen both at places where I usually haunt. I have watched in dismay as a gaggle will come in and almost point out which men are theirs, and if that doesn't work well they'll just make men drool over them as they grind on eachother. It's the proverbial fruit of knowlege and serpant all wrapped up in one. A coregraphed life that seems almost hell bent on ensnaring those poor fools that are prone to drool.
But I have also run into the other. I have had to listen to lectures while all i wanted to do is eat my food in peace. I have heard women go on and on and on about how their boyfriends or all the "dumb boys" just don't get it. They talk about all manner of things and how none of it is theri bleeding fault! It really is astonishing to hear them talk about Roe V Wade as ESSENTIAL! I have never been able to see it as anything more than a sensless waste. But I also had to listen to a rant about how army BOYS are the cause of all womens problems. . .something about how they're all stupid red necks. . . and somehow I finally managed to tune it out and eat my burger in peace.
I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Being right next to a college is bound to bring an increase of misguided and excessive political activism. But listening to all this brought my spirits down. I had hoped for so long that a woman would be able to finally use those "feminie whiles" in a good way and soothe this raging storm of emotion inside me. I had hoped against hope that maybe there would be some sign that there is more to women these days than a screw and a "good luck with the rest of your life". But as each encounter with "post modern feminism" berings more pessimism about the whole sex, so too does hope fade that some day I will have a family of my own.
Part of this pessimism has to do with Erika. The whole "i love you but I'm not IN love with you" thing and of course the "open relationship" has me all twisted in knots. I can not really wrap my mind around the concept. Love is pretty simple. You love someone like a brother or sister or other relitive, and you'd do anything for them but you won't be doing any of the naughty or romantic bits cuz lets face it they're like siblings, Or you Love someone like a lover and you do all the things wou would for a sybling and the romantic and naughty bits. It's pretty simple and strait foward. I'm a complicated person, but I never, NEVER want complicated matters of the heart. Part of the reason the whole fiasco with Lisa hurt (and continues to) hurt so much is because when I love someone I do it unconditionally and when someone says "I love you" I expect, no hope, that they will be as die hard as I am.
Erika has the amazing ability to throw out "signals" and then a second later back track. One second she asks if I'd change my religion if we were together the next she talks about how she isn't dating me and wont. finally I just had enough. The WHOLE thing of marriage, kids all of it. The more i want it the more the thoughts of it hurt me. So I just accepted it. The post modern feminist has won. Congradulations. Families everywhere thank you for the broken homes and the daughters lining up to be the next cracked out celebrity slut.
Strangly this attitude seems to have made Erika into a cheer leader for marriage saying that hey we're going to get married (maybe not to eachother) but yadda yadda yadda. She even suggested eloping. I don't know who she'd suggest I do that with since clearly no one even thinks of me that way, and most of the women I know aside from her are either far far away (and not interested) or are getting married (and not interested). I am so sick of all my friends that are happy and rushing to the alter telling me to cheer up that she'll come along soon, and then all that sappy crap will happen. WAKE UP!!! There is NO woman in the wings waiting for me. There is no wife in my future. If I'm lucky I'll have a (relitivly) quick death by some IED or some Sniper, rather than ending up as a broken down and oh so very alone old man. I am so sick of the reassurances and hollow plattatudes and romantic notions. Haven't women made me suffer enough!?!?!
Friday, May 23, 2008
The Shakes
It happens to some people. They start shaking. It's a combination from and overdose of adrenalin and very stressful situations. The vervous system literally goes into overload at some point and there will be times that you see muscle tremors and other psychosomatic symptoms that appear. For me my right had shakes and i sudder visibly. For those that don't know I'm not nearly as bad as Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan, but it's pretty bad.
Three weeks ago I had started feeling better, I wasn't depressed and for the first time since I came to WTB I started feeling a sense of hope. But somewhere along the way in the past week it all started going south again. Part of it was sleep. I wasn't able to get to sleep at night even with the ambien. Part of it was my imagination running wild. Sadly part of it had nothing to do with imagination and everything to do with things that actually happened.
Three weeks ago I had started feeling better, I wasn't depressed and for the first time since I came to WTB I started feeling a sense of hope. But somewhere along the way in the past week it all started going south again. Part of it was sleep. I wasn't able to get to sleep at night even with the ambien. Part of it was my imagination running wild. Sadly part of it had nothing to do with imagination and everything to do with things that actually happened.
My case manager DJ asked me if I was really ready for duty again. She almostt looked at me as if asking wheather or not i was truly ready or if I was just bulshitting my way through. Truth is I've come to the concluson that though I truly despise Iraq, the brown and all that goes with it, I am in my own way trapped there. I've left peices of my spirit in that place and now it always seems to be right behind me. If I just turn around there will be Jaysh al-Mahdi rearing for a fight, and I'll be just as ready to kick ass and take names.
I want to belive that there is more to me than the War. I want to belive that when this labor is over there will be more for me to do. I tell myself that there are a ton of things I'll do AFTER this is all over, but the truth is I don't want to do those things anymore. I can almost feel the Colt manufacturing's m-16 or the M-4 variant. Its almost liek it's still on a sling attached to my chest or shoulder. I can lamost feel the IBA, the K-pot. Part of me hated those things so much. Everywhere I went there they were, they became my second skin, andsomehow made me invincible, and now without them I feel weak and vulnerable.
Part of it is stress. The thoughts about the future always fill me with such fear. What if I take the wrong path? What if the path I take leads me to the conclusion I know I want to avoid? But more than that it's the question of if I can still hack it. Can I be depended on again to have peoples lives under my responsibility. Can I take the heartbreak if I lose another?
Whether I get an answer to these things now or later is a moot point. Sooner or later I'll have to face what it is I have become. I fear that these breif resbits between deployments will become the only way I count the time between missions.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The New GI Bill
If there is one good thing that can be said from the Global War on Terror. It's brought almost unparrelled attention to the life of a soldier (or marine if you're a Jarhead). Some of this attention is unflattering, the recent youtube video of a marine throwing a puppy for example, and the "masaqure" at Haditha (which I honestly think was a "fog of war" incident and should NOT be compared to My Lai). And of course who could forget Abu Graib.
But it has also brought attention to some of the problems facing soldiers sailors arimen and marines. Namely concerns like Equipment, College, Living conditions, Deployment lengths, and a host of other issues that face soldiers all the time. The amazing thing is that people actually care! One would think that since this is an unpopular war (like Vietnam) and organizations like BOTH NOW and Code: Pink have sprung up (eerily similar to the Vietnam war protests) people would noth only tunr a blind eve to the plight of soldiers but they would also go the other way and hate the very people that defend them.
Strangely though some sectors have done this, for the most part, people do not turn against the soldiers. If anything there seems to be MORE support now than there was before. A recen YouTube video showing how bad the Baraks were at some posts recieved imeadiate responses and massive renovation projects spang up almost overnight. Other examples like "Operation Homefront" and "soldier's angels" provide support in ways that are frankly overwhelming (belive me i know)
Recently Congress started passing a serries of measures that will increase the curent GI Bill to the point where an SM can almos do the full 4 years, and also recieve a small stipend for living expenses. This is absolutly astounding as the current GI Bill is such that it covers 36 months of school and about 75% of baisic college. Most folks have to go into loas or other jobs to make up the expense, but not nearly as badly as some civillians do.
My personal feelings on this matter are such that going to college seems a little easier. Part of me thinks that most of the measure will be defeated, after all where is the money going to come from? But it seems like there is hope after all. Hope for my future. If I want to get out and get an education that option is there! Is there any gift I could ask for that would be better recieved?
But it has also brought attention to some of the problems facing soldiers sailors arimen and marines. Namely concerns like Equipment, College, Living conditions, Deployment lengths, and a host of other issues that face soldiers all the time. The amazing thing is that people actually care! One would think that since this is an unpopular war (like Vietnam) and organizations like BOTH NOW and Code: Pink have sprung up (eerily similar to the Vietnam war protests) people would noth only tunr a blind eve to the plight of soldiers but they would also go the other way and hate the very people that defend them.
Strangely though some sectors have done this, for the most part, people do not turn against the soldiers. If anything there seems to be MORE support now than there was before. A recen YouTube video showing how bad the Baraks were at some posts recieved imeadiate responses and massive renovation projects spang up almost overnight. Other examples like "Operation Homefront" and "soldier's angels" provide support in ways that are frankly overwhelming (belive me i know)
Recently Congress started passing a serries of measures that will increase the curent GI Bill to the point where an SM can almos do the full 4 years, and also recieve a small stipend for living expenses. This is absolutly astounding as the current GI Bill is such that it covers 36 months of school and about 75% of baisic college. Most folks have to go into loas or other jobs to make up the expense, but not nearly as badly as some civillians do.
My personal feelings on this matter are such that going to college seems a little easier. Part of me thinks that most of the measure will be defeated, after all where is the money going to come from? But it seems like there is hope after all. Hope for my future. If I want to get out and get an education that option is there! Is there any gift I could ask for that would be better recieved?
Saturday, May 17, 2008
The CMB
The CMB, Combat Medical Badge, is an award given and worn by the US Army. As the name suggests, it is an award that is earned in combat, but unlike medals such as the ARCOM (Army Comendation medal) this is one of the few awards that are worn on the normal duty uniform (usually ACUs). I is a cadusus (the medical symbol for those that don't know) with a silver verson ofthe red cross where the ball is, and a feild litter in the backround, surrounded by a wreath of oak leaves. The dimensions are 1"x 1 1/4"
It was originally created in 1945 as a way to recognize the Medics that had served alongside the Infantry in WWII. Originally there was a $10 a month pay bonus added to it. Later the award was amended to allow for multiple awards, not for multiple deployments, but for seprate wars. To date there have been only TWO known recipeints of three CMB awards (denoted by two stars one on top one on botom)
According th AR 600-8-22 a person must be assigned to an infantry regiment (brigade) or smaller, be COL or below, and not only be engaged by hostile forces but must also treat the wounded WHILE under hostile fire. Neither the CIB (Combat Infantry Badge) or the newer CAB (Combat Action Badge) are that restrictive. In fact many medics that were under hostile fire but did not treat anyone were not given ANY award, and some like my Lab Tech friend, Katie, are not eligable at all.
Thus far in the Global War On Terrorism (GWOT for short) there have been over 26,000 CIBs awarded, and 27,000 CABs. While these sound like a lot, when you take into acount that the CAB was not created until 2005, and the award was retro-active, there are a lot more that are probably eligable that either don't care, don't want it, can't get their unit to give it, or are out of the Army.
no compare that to just over 9,000 CMBs awarded. Almost a third of each one of the awards and put together far less, yet it is these individuals that have kept such a high save percentage. Over 95% of those injured in Iraq or Afghanistan survive. Sometimes the injuries survived are so traumatic that miracilous is the only word that can be used to describe it.
I feel that while it is important to recognize medics doctors, PAs, and Nurses with this badge, I think it is far too often overlooked. I have bristled when asked "what's up with the weird jump wings" and often when passing by the PX or other places I see almost NO pride type novelty items for medics. Oh there's many for the infantry, hell whole sections almost, and even for the many MOS' that get the CAB, but the CMB seems almost like the forgotten cousin. I have shared the same risks as the infantry, and sometimes it feels as if the army is trying to elbow out the Medic with the CLS (Combat Life Saver) course.
What bothers me most about CLS, is when I get non-medical types second guessing me, or worse getting in my way when I have a job to do. While it is nice to have the extra hands durring a MasCal, it is also infuriating when i get second guessed by people.
It took me a long time to accept that my role will forever bee seen as "support" eventhough I was out there as much as the LT or PSG (in fact it is usually standing policy that as a medic I HAVE to go on EVERY mission, which has often made my life difficult). because i was "valuable" I was often "protected" or held back. If I kicked in a door or tried to "stack up" I was often barrated for placing myself in unnessisary risk. I don't know which is more frusterating being told I had to be protected or realizing that my input would only be accepted within the scope of my speciality, and in the end often ignored when making descisions.
I chose my profession, and I love my job. I love being a Line Medic, and I love being "Doc" but, unfortunatly at every turn I am reminded that I am NOT infantry. My heart may be True Blue, but I will always be apart. While this distinction can often fill me with pride, it also can make me feel isolated.
It was originally created in 1945 as a way to recognize the Medics that had served alongside the Infantry in WWII. Originally there was a $10 a month pay bonus added to it. Later the award was amended to allow for multiple awards, not for multiple deployments, but for seprate wars. To date there have been only TWO known recipeints of three CMB awards (denoted by two stars one on top one on botom)
According th AR 600-8-22 a person must be assigned to an infantry regiment (brigade) or smaller, be COL or below, and not only be engaged by hostile forces but must also treat the wounded WHILE under hostile fire. Neither the CIB (Combat Infantry Badge) or the newer CAB (Combat Action Badge) are that restrictive. In fact many medics that were under hostile fire but did not treat anyone were not given ANY award, and some like my Lab Tech friend, Katie, are not eligable at all.
Thus far in the Global War On Terrorism (GWOT for short) there have been over 26,000 CIBs awarded, and 27,000 CABs. While these sound like a lot, when you take into acount that the CAB was not created until 2005, and the award was retro-active, there are a lot more that are probably eligable that either don't care, don't want it, can't get their unit to give it, or are out of the Army.
no compare that to just over 9,000 CMBs awarded. Almost a third of each one of the awards and put together far less, yet it is these individuals that have kept such a high save percentage. Over 95% of those injured in Iraq or Afghanistan survive. Sometimes the injuries survived are so traumatic that miracilous is the only word that can be used to describe it.
I feel that while it is important to recognize medics doctors, PAs, and Nurses with this badge, I think it is far too often overlooked. I have bristled when asked "what's up with the weird jump wings" and often when passing by the PX or other places I see almost NO pride type novelty items for medics. Oh there's many for the infantry, hell whole sections almost, and even for the many MOS' that get the CAB, but the CMB seems almost like the forgotten cousin. I have shared the same risks as the infantry, and sometimes it feels as if the army is trying to elbow out the Medic with the CLS (Combat Life Saver) course.
What bothers me most about CLS, is when I get non-medical types second guessing me, or worse getting in my way when I have a job to do. While it is nice to have the extra hands durring a MasCal, it is also infuriating when i get second guessed by people.
It took me a long time to accept that my role will forever bee seen as "support" eventhough I was out there as much as the LT or PSG (in fact it is usually standing policy that as a medic I HAVE to go on EVERY mission, which has often made my life difficult). because i was "valuable" I was often "protected" or held back. If I kicked in a door or tried to "stack up" I was often barrated for placing myself in unnessisary risk. I don't know which is more frusterating being told I had to be protected or realizing that my input would only be accepted within the scope of my speciality, and in the end often ignored when making descisions.
I chose my profession, and I love my job. I love being a Line Medic, and I love being "Doc" but, unfortunatly at every turn I am reminded that I am NOT infantry. My heart may be True Blue, but I will always be apart. While this distinction can often fill me with pride, it also can make me feel isolated.
Disgusting Politics
I find nothing on this earth more disgusting than "politics". I have no problem with the art of compromise, but Politics is act of willfully ignoring what is morally right, and what the common good. I have watched with growing dismay as "political" causes have become a lightning rod to those that had less interest in what was right, than what was popular. In Iraq I watched CNN with growing dismay at the vein that politicans were taking.
More and more it became clear that the people leading this country were more interested in themselves then any of the actual causes they were championing. I watched people make politcal grandstanding more important than the war, or the death rate of american troops. I watched incredulous as groups like "Code: Pink" and the greensboro baptist church do absolutly dispicable things in public forum. While the man who was leading the effort in Iraq was telling the senate exactly what was working and what wasn't with the "surge" code pink "crashed" the senate hearings. I was risking my ass and I didn not appriciate this display on my "behalf"
There are other displays, all too reminicent of those durring Vietnam, that I find particularly disturbing. Back then people would yell things like LBJ was a war criminal and then turn around and attack the very troops they were "protecting" with their protests, many of whom were draftees whos only crime was actually showing up.
Many folks in the army simply shake their heads. This particular form of protest while attention getting, and sadly socially destabalizing, is nothing more than the hurtful rants of the impotent. It is one thing when you believe in a cuase, whatever that cause is, it is entirely another thing when you allow that cause to consume you so that you believe that anyone that does not believe in that cause is evil in some way.
I watched the many things that disturb me about politicans. While I do not expect people to be imune to the temptations of power I would hope that in some way shape or form they would be able to at least TRY to resist the abuses of power that I have thus far seen. While Media coverage is slanted definativly to the left, it is clear that there are just as many scandals going on on both sides of the isle. From hiring hookers to dirty text messages and retroactivly changing the rules so you don't get in trouble, to far worse things like earmarking, esentailly bribing the powerful for votes. Devoting money to nosesicle projects that are unnessisary and frivilous.
But perhaps most disgusting of all are the personal attacks. Is it just me or does it seem that to get anything through congress you have to almost bodily attack the opponents of such bills. This is not the Korean senate (where literal fights break out all the time). We as a superpower are suppose to set an example to all the bickering squabbling peoples of the world. I wish someone had the power to say to people "Hey lets all stop shouting and actually LISTEN to eachother."
Far more troubling than the Congress' inability to pass even simple laws, are the courts. Unchecked, judicial activism has begun making policy. Somehow institutions like NAMBLA (North-American Man Boy Love Acosiation, a group that defends men having sex with underage boys) has become protected. The Gay Marrage ban, was lifted without any voter say so. All around laws that seem to be comon sense are being overturned as unconstitutional on grounds that are anything BUT constitutional. Justices have talked about how they feel on subjects. They're only duty is to follow and enforce the letter of the law, not to make it!!!
I hate to say it, but in my personal opinion there is no insult worse than to call someone a politican. The word carries with it all the slanderous dirty and irreverant hijynx that seem to have turned the three bodies of government into a three ring circus. It is absolutly dispicable and I want nothing to do with it, yet as an implimenter of US policy, I am bound to follow the policies that are laid out by body of people whos egos are the only thing bigger than their bank accounts.
More and more it became clear that the people leading this country were more interested in themselves then any of the actual causes they were championing. I watched people make politcal grandstanding more important than the war, or the death rate of american troops. I watched incredulous as groups like "Code: Pink" and the greensboro baptist church do absolutly dispicable things in public forum. While the man who was leading the effort in Iraq was telling the senate exactly what was working and what wasn't with the "surge" code pink "crashed" the senate hearings. I was risking my ass and I didn not appriciate this display on my "behalf"
There are other displays, all too reminicent of those durring Vietnam, that I find particularly disturbing. Back then people would yell things like LBJ was a war criminal and then turn around and attack the very troops they were "protecting" with their protests, many of whom were draftees whos only crime was actually showing up.
Many folks in the army simply shake their heads. This particular form of protest while attention getting, and sadly socially destabalizing, is nothing more than the hurtful rants of the impotent. It is one thing when you believe in a cuase, whatever that cause is, it is entirely another thing when you allow that cause to consume you so that you believe that anyone that does not believe in that cause is evil in some way.
I watched the many things that disturb me about politicans. While I do not expect people to be imune to the temptations of power I would hope that in some way shape or form they would be able to at least TRY to resist the abuses of power that I have thus far seen. While Media coverage is slanted definativly to the left, it is clear that there are just as many scandals going on on both sides of the isle. From hiring hookers to dirty text messages and retroactivly changing the rules so you don't get in trouble, to far worse things like earmarking, esentailly bribing the powerful for votes. Devoting money to nosesicle projects that are unnessisary and frivilous.
But perhaps most disgusting of all are the personal attacks. Is it just me or does it seem that to get anything through congress you have to almost bodily attack the opponents of such bills. This is not the Korean senate (where literal fights break out all the time). We as a superpower are suppose to set an example to all the bickering squabbling peoples of the world. I wish someone had the power to say to people "Hey lets all stop shouting and actually LISTEN to eachother."
Far more troubling than the Congress' inability to pass even simple laws, are the courts. Unchecked, judicial activism has begun making policy. Somehow institutions like NAMBLA (North-American Man Boy Love Acosiation, a group that defends men having sex with underage boys) has become protected. The Gay Marrage ban, was lifted without any voter say so. All around laws that seem to be comon sense are being overturned as unconstitutional on grounds that are anything BUT constitutional. Justices have talked about how they feel on subjects. They're only duty is to follow and enforce the letter of the law, not to make it!!!
I hate to say it, but in my personal opinion there is no insult worse than to call someone a politican. The word carries with it all the slanderous dirty and irreverant hijynx that seem to have turned the three bodies of government into a three ring circus. It is absolutly dispicable and I want nothing to do with it, yet as an implimenter of US policy, I am bound to follow the policies that are laid out by body of people whos egos are the only thing bigger than their bank accounts.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Breathing Easier
I can not say what it is exactly but for some reason, over the past few weeks I have felt better, or at least more content, than I have in a very long time. I suppose the sun being out for large portions of the day, or the fact that it isn't always so cold i feel like something important (like my testicles) will fall off. I swear, the ACUs were NOT made for cold (or really hot for that matter)
Anyway, I'm not going out to Bars, though I'd like to, I long ago learned two things: 1). I can't dance and 2). It sucks going by yourself. I suppose part of the reason I don't like going out by my onsies is that I always have those horror stories in the back of my mind, but largely, I really don't have fun when I'm alone. I'm not too good striking up conversation with new people, and I tend not to be able to trust people I've been haningin out with till I get to know them.
Anyway, I'm not going out to Bars, though I'd like to, I long ago learned two things: 1). I can't dance and 2). It sucks going by yourself. I suppose part of the reason I don't like going out by my onsies is that I always have those horror stories in the back of my mind, but largely, I really don't have fun when I'm alone. I'm not too good striking up conversation with new people, and I tend not to be able to trust people I've been haningin out with till I get to know them.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Back to duty. . .er soon.
so I had my appointment with my PCM on the 13th, and I THOUGHT, I'd be RTD right there. Well I guess not. Seeing as the pain happened again, he wanted one more test, just to make sure, but its pretty clear to me, and everyone familiar with my case that this is not an inflamation case. If it were it would not go away after spurts like it does. But he said one more test (a Cardiac Stress Echo) just to be sure.
I'm pretty sure that this is not going to show a dam thing. I've had all sorts of labs, and tests and procedures. So far absolutly nothing, NOTHING has reared it's head to be a smoking gun a cause of what is going on. There is a CT report from Baghdad, and some labs that were alittle off, but that is it. Honestly I don't know what is more frusterating, that this keeps happening, or that no one seems to know what it is.
Anyway long story short, after all was said and done, DJ (my case manager) was a bit incredoulus that I hadn't gotten the full RTD stamp from my PCM. Personally I don't really care. It saves me a bit of time to figgure out what to do with all the dam boxes I have. My concern is getting deployed again. I'm not against it anymore, but really please not with MECH!!! I think I'll ask if i can go to Afghanistan this time.
I'm pretty sure that this is not going to show a dam thing. I've had all sorts of labs, and tests and procedures. So far absolutly nothing, NOTHING has reared it's head to be a smoking gun a cause of what is going on. There is a CT report from Baghdad, and some labs that were alittle off, but that is it. Honestly I don't know what is more frusterating, that this keeps happening, or that no one seems to know what it is.
Anyway long story short, after all was said and done, DJ (my case manager) was a bit incredoulus that I hadn't gotten the full RTD stamp from my PCM. Personally I don't really care. It saves me a bit of time to figgure out what to do with all the dam boxes I have. My concern is getting deployed again. I'm not against it anymore, but really please not with MECH!!! I think I'll ask if i can go to Afghanistan this time.
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