I can not say for certain where my fotrunes take me from here, but i have begun to accept that i AM talented. I have begun to accept that perhaps i am more than i always put myself down as, baisically nothing special. I am a good medic. I am told time and again that I am the best my guys have seen. I am told time and again that they trust me. It makes the nonstop ass raping i get from Cpt Brock more bareable. These men see me as one of them. Even though technically, and on every book you look at officially I am not.
Once again i was sent out on rotation WITHOUT morphine. Once again I am angered by the games that are being played. I do not like the fact that time and again I am treated like either an upstart, or a child. I am told they see me as arrogant. Even though at every opertunity i have practically choked myself on humble pie. I feel that i am being punished for personality differances, and it plainly sucks. I sometimes feel that the political games being played are more important to them than treatment of patients. Of course such an acusation is serous indeed. At this point it is more of a vauge feeling. But despite theat there is obvious mistrust between both Docs and the line medics.
I am marveling (on the inside) at the amazing bullshit factor. I can not believe that people could be so interested in political games in and around battallion headquarters, while soldiers are getting blown up and shot at on a regular baisis. It happens time and again. In some quarters there is a feeling of "they don't give two shits and a handshake". When i get treated like this, I have to admit, I feel the same way. I have taken that damn test three times again. Each time it's gotten progressivly stupider what they want. 100%, which in my book baisically means i have to learn telepathy some time soon (which, might help me out SO much)
If the medical aspect weren't madening enough, I am confronted with a terrible propisition of facing even MORE IEDs and EFPs. MORE indirect fire, and possibly even some ambushes. The Bn cdr, and CSM, have been nicknamed "eyepro (eye protection ie ballistic glasses) 6, and knee pad 7" Baisically saying that having soldiers wear their assorted ppe is more important to them than the soldiers, the missions preformed and the casualties. The CSM doesn't even leave the wire anymore, the LTC, well he insists on things some people feel is sheer insanity. Worse, The comments made by him at both Craig and Harrelson's memorial service ilistrated to us that he didn't get it.
So here i sit. Literally in mortal danger, far more than any of the FOBbits (people who never leave the FOB) i've lost two soldiers under my care, and I feel like the people above me just do not care. If this makes me seem arrogant when trying to explain my situation, so be it. I am the one who's ass is on the line. I am the one they send out set up for failure. It is only my guys that keep me going. I do not care what the command thinks, if i get promoted or even if i get any awards this time around. a shiny peice of metal isn't going to change how i feel. I know what i've done. If they think that makes me proud and stuck up. . . to hell with them.
But, maybe my anger at my chain of command isn't what I should end on. I have been helping my PSG with his wedding vows. No he is not marrying someone new, he is remarrying his wife of 11 years. Finally giving her the ceremony she so desires. He has a good heart but his way is action, not words so much. He kind of chuckled and said to me that I should go work for Halmark. I think that's pretty funny. Maybe my poetic tallents are more than i had thought. Maybe there is more to me than i gave myself credit. I am starting to accept who i am as a person and what i can do. I have begun to accept who I am. Perhaps that won't lead to a more peaceful life, for conflict is part of my nature, but maybe it will make it easier.