Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Betrayal is such a subtle thing

Some examples of betrayal are dramatic. Many people agree what Lisa did is "fucked up" and probably the extreme, but the Army's betrayal of its soldiers is often far more subtle. Two months I've wasted, waiting, hoping that i will go back to Iraq. All the while on lock down. Now I found out I will not go back. My frustration and anger came boiling out and when it was over, and my room was a mess, there it was. The raw hurt. Everyone and everything I had belived in, or fought for has betrayed me.

Lisa has shattered my faith in people. I look aroung and all i see are people looking for the next latest and greatest screw. Everybody is going around looking to fuck eachother over. Nothing is sacred and it's like a bunch of monkeys swinging from vine to vine. I realized suddenly when i was at the mall the other day, I'm disgusted by the people i tried to protect. Nothing seems sacred anymore. When someone gives their word, it doesn't mean anything anymore. Worse, everytime i try to move on, every time i think she's in the past. Lisa is there. not physically but in my mind. Random things will remind me of her, and some things, will bring images of her mid coitis and having forgotten me completly. I have come to despise women, pretty much all women. even casual conversations are colored with my disgust. My anger is such that i would wish a sort of reveng upon her. I wish she'd see my face everytime she has sex, i wish she'd hear my voice, when she feels down. I wish i would haunt her as much as she haunts me. But that will never happen. I hate her for being happy. It has come to the point i wish I'd never known her so i could be spared this pain. How sad is that?

The army's betrayal is one that is sadly an old story. "Fight our wars" they say, onward, you push and push until you are of no more use to them. If you fall into a catigory of not useful but not so horribly scared (physical or psychological) that you would notice. It's easy to forget people that are simply hurt. 2/16 for all it's faults has some good people. Although my feelings towards the BN chain of command are clear, the company level, and especially platoon level, there are some GOOD people. So you can imagine how much it hurts to be, well forgotten.

I have 5 fromations a day (oh don't dare miss one of these!) and what is the great work that needs to be done. . . ? NOT A GOD DAMM THING!!! It's simply a place to put a soldier so you don't have to worry. I've been jacked around delayed and treated like shit. The medical system has failed me. in two months i've had a grand total of six meetings with anyone working my case. Total amount of actual face time perhaps 3 hours at most. I WANT to go back. I didn't want to leave! I can't believe that I ended up here. It's like from the CSH to here people were just like "well i don't know what to do, send him down the chain". It's so maddening

So last night, while taking a shower a stray thought went through my head, "if I were to disapear tommorow, no one would notice." i felt cold and VERY affraid that I'd even think that. Has it really come to this. I can't tell what people feel about me, and suddenly with Lisa's betrayal everyone seems so two faced. I didn't want to feel this way. I wanted to believe in her, I wanted to believe that nice guys don't finish last, but somehow staring down this feeling of abandonment, i realize just how cold and cruel the world can be, and it breaks my heart.


Unknown said...

Mike. You would most certainly be missed, and you know it. You need to go and talk to someone before you end up jumping off the barracks roof, and I'm not joking around. I'm going to give you one week from today to make an appointment. If you don't I'll make one for you.

Anonymous said...

i only wish you really knew how i felt. but you wish such bad things on me its not even funny. i guess you will never really see me!