Friday, January 4, 2008

in a weird place

If i even began to try to explain the las few days I'd fall flat on my face. First off, i know this might sound weird but the fact that Lisa and her Bf are no longer an item is kind of news. Call it what you will but even from the little she told me i got a good read of the situation, and i could already tell he was a bum. Although I'm sorry it ruined Lisa's New Years and birthday, I knew it would happen, and on the odd ocassion I am right I do gain some small satisfaction, because so very often i am wrong haha.

So the good news, well after some extreme drinking, i've decided to cut WAY back. Let's just say that standing became an issue only half way through the night. HOWEVER i think it would be funny as hell if anyone had video of me doing the cupid shuffle. When they kick left i kick right, when they slide to the left i slide to the right. It's the only way a white man can dance. . . drunk off his ass haha

It was kind of strange. Ever since i got stuck on stupid and started blaring things out (there seems to be no filter from my mind to my mouth) i can see that there is a sad affect on the relationships around me. I am starting to draw in people that are unstable and need a hero, and pushing away the people i should be embrasing. Nicole being one of them. Sadly we have spoken only a few words and those are strained at best. I don't think she knows what to do or say. If i were in her possition i wouldn't either. To be fair, i did text her a lot when i was either a) drunk off my ass b) depressed or c) both. Even though she says i'm not i can almost feel her slipping away. Unsure of how to deal with me. I can be a very passionate person and when i focus my attention on someone, i can go a bit. . . overboard.

I've been hanging out with new people. To be honest although Anja welcomed me into her home often, and we hung out I felt incredibly guilty about it. Jeff is still in Iraq, and i can't do a thing about that, and being invited in on the home life of my friends's families. I suppose part of it has to do with the fact that I am single. Sitting at Jubi's BBQ with JIm's wife and kids, Anja and kids, and of course Jubi and his biker crew (and kids) i feel like a fith wheel. Is it odd that i should feel like an outsider in a group that is being nothing but gracious as hosts and guests?

Of course I've also come to the conclusion that the best I'll ever manage is a semi steady girlfriend. I have yet to experience a relationship where my girlfriend even TALKS of moving in let alone actually doing it. So there you have it. I doubt I'll EVER have a family of my own, and if i do? Will the shadows of war haunt my family like it haunts me?

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