Thursday, January 24, 2008

Shifting Of the Sands

the funny thing about relatioships is that they are always changing, always shifting, like the sands of a dune (or if you're into Frank Herbert Dune, Arrakis etc) Things change so quickly. One thing said off hand could start a fight that ends it, or calmly giving advise could change a relationship and rekindle old feelings. All the while in the backround things said and unsaid change the face of what is.

So first off let me adress one thing. Although there is much tail out there that is asking to be chased, I am NOT chasing the ones that have a ring on their finger, and if I find out there a brown card, well thats when the E-brake gets pulled. It sucks to be deployed and know know if your wife is cheating on you or not. Now having said that one of my friends is in a strange relationship with a brown card. She's super needy and all that jazz. Her husband is back, and I've met him, for a moment, he's a 1st class dick. I'll hold my tounge because I'm not sure what will happen but the kids involved all look to my friend as more of a father figure than the husband.

I do not want to get into a debate about the moral ambiguity of this, truth is, it's not my place to say. I used to think it was all black and white but there's a LOT of gray. I suppose that if the situation were different somehow, like it was just a purly sexual thing and the husband wasn't such a dick to everyone and everything, I'd feel more of an obligation. I suppose it's the wrong useage but lately i keep rembering biblical quotes, and "Judge not lest ye be judged" goes here. It may make me uneasy, but I can't stop them.

Now that that's cleared up. My bi-sexual ex is in a heap of trouble. She and her GF are officially over. This would be alright for her if she were the dumper. But she is not. It was going to happen, she admits it, but the fact that she was the one dumped and that after it was done her gf now ex was saying all the "right" things and keeping hope alive. A Fate more cruel that a clean break, cheating, or worst of all the "mega dump" (which leaves the signifigant other with everything to include house dog and dignity). Whatever the case rare is it that "just friends" works. I kind of had a feeling, just from the way she talked, that she'd been having feelings for me, and i got confirmation. Ironically this is NOT what i want. I want her to be happy, but she won't find that with me. I've already screwed her over once I'm not going to do it again. Having said that it does give the vainest part of me a slight ego boost.

the world keeps changing. Sometimes things said weeks ago are the seed which grows into a tree of discontent. I find it amazing that in all this time, all this misery, it all seems to come back to me. I am the ultimate fly on the wall. My prowess of observation has led me to be able to see people in their ungaurded moments and perhaps that is why no one will get close to me. I know them before they know themselves.

In a strange twist my shrink says i need to cut off the drama, then he turns right around and suggests i thrive off the drama. Oh i wish I could believe that it is that simple. I won't deny that I am the all seeing crap of the universe I just don't know what to do with what I see. Do I love people BECAUSE they have weakness, do i try to mend the hurt taround me, or do i simply cut myself off from those in need. I waver between two opposing view points. That no one, no matter what they have done (short of outright evil) deserves to be left alone and ignored, and the feeling that if they are that screwed up and they are on the death roll you can't help them more than lip service and you baisically have to let them recover.

The shrink suggested isolatingf myself from the sourses of my Pain. Nicole, because the wound she didn't know she inflicted festers. Andrea, because let's face it she'd gone over to the dark side and if she's into girls thats a tree i want not to bark up. Lisa, because of the sorted past i've only just started getting over, and the fact that no matter what i do i really can't save a person from themselves. And Gary, because his love of a brown card, and the drama implied in that makes life interesting at best. I don't know if i have the strength to cut anyone off. But i was encouraged to try. so here goes.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I got your back, battle. You don't need to do it on your own to have strength. Remember your pushups:

Attention to detail.

Teamwork is key.