Thursday, November 6, 2008

Now ask me if I care

It is an unstated fact that Military minds hate a mess. It is also a fact that when packing up in a depressed state of mind things are never orderly or clean. So today I slept in. Why? because I wanted above all things to catch up on sleep that I have sorely missed the last couple of days. When what should happen? A walk through. I mean there is little I like less then an officer comming through my room nitpicking about the way I live, or probably more accuretly survive.

right away I had questions about my health, mental and otherwise, if I'm using drugs for my knee,and my financial situation. I got a dressing down from both the Lt and the CO. So here's my thoughts on that. STAY THE F**K OUT OF MY ROOM!!! I know that it may technically belong to the army, but I am given little space, and what little space I do have is MINE! I damm well better hoard personal space like most people hoard gold.

What truly bothers me is that the CO is sitting there judging me and he's a chemical corps. officer. The LT has never deployed and for the most part, as far as I can tell is just eye candy. So why, pray tell should I get bent out of shape if they come in here and judge me. I realize i have too much shit, and in a perfect world I'd love help to go through and get rid of what I don't need. But the absolute LAST thing I need is for a bunch of POG officers judging me.

I don't honestly know what makes me angrier. The acusation that I'm using drugs, or the attempted dressing down the LT tried to give me. I spent the rest of the day packing/cleaning, and you know what, the dam place is STILL a mess. Now go ahead and ask me if I care.

Truth is that for over a year I have been devoid of purpose or use. I have had almost no social life, and I have no idea how to interact with non soldiers anymore. And here I sit, a rolley polly, having gained perhaps 50 pounds since I got here, majorly depressed, having a hard time with, well everything, asking myself "how can I do this?" I honestly don't know. Even a talk with SSG Mathison didn't really help. All the old issues are still there just beneith the surface, and all the emotions that go with them. How can I honestly go up to 4th brigade, and get ready to deploy, when I can barely keep it together when I'm not doing anything?

Oh well.

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