Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Using Condom Sense.

I've got to tell you when it comes to dating. . . women have it easy.  I will be the first to admit that it is incredibly difficult to maintain standards of beauty, and I think the reason women's clothing is so expensive is to offset the fact that when said clothes are worn correctly they can get men to do just about anything (physically possible).  Think about it, decent or hot girls sitting at the bar only have to feign mild interest in a guy and he'll buy her drinks all night, when going to a restaurant, it is not only expected but in some cases required  that the man take the check.  You want to get some?  See how fast you're not if you even think about going Dutch.  

Yes women take an hour to get ready to go out.  And that's usually an hour on top of the time they already told you.  All she has to do is look pretty and you, the guy will drop your jaw, drool and say "uh-buh?".  Just try to talk intelligently when a woman leans over and gives you a sight of just some cleavage (and they do that on purpose all the damn time!!!).  As a guy, you are expected not only to look good, but also to be intelligent, interesting, look good, and actually have any money.  You want a second date (or a long night) try being a fat ass that is not interesting or incredibly funny, or rich.  In fact trying being poor, boring, unattractive, and unintelligent.  You had better hope there is some Pity factor going for you.

Now take the simple act of buying, getting or having Condoms.  If you've ever had an Army Saftey Briefing you'll have heard a First Sergeant telling you to "Wrap it up" Or "Use your Condom Sense".  But think about that for a second.  The second you grab a box of condoms, its not like you can really say you're going to do anything but have sex.  Oh you can try to hide it in the midst of a shopping cart full of stuff, but what you get is going to say a lot.  Magnum hugh?  you really think you're that big do you?  Glow in the Dark? Obviously you're down with the Rave scene.  Flavored?  So you're expecting oral sex are you?  Plain old unlubricated condoms.  You cheap bastard. 

All these things are going through your mind while you're looking at the condom section sweating because in then end it really depends on what she likes.  Then there's where do you keep said condoms on said date.  In your wallet?  In your car? what if you've got a hotel room, do you keep them there?  Or if you're going to her place do you get a little brown bag and take them in?  What if she goes to your place and you have a night stand full of the things.  Its going to mean you a). Masterbate a lot, b). are a player and thus a dirty SOB or c). you're expecting her to give it up.  A lot.  Any one of these assumptions could in theory kill the mood.  

then there's the actual moment you have to put one one.  I don't know if you've noticed it, but there's not exactly a smooth way for a guy to say "wait, hold up, I need to put a condom on".  I mean usually by the point you need to put a condom on, doesn't matter whose on top, doesn't matter if said condoms are on the night stand they're always out of reach!  So invariably one or the other has to roll off, said wrapper is torn open furiously (DAMN YOU FOR GETTING IN MY WAY!!!) and assuming the lights are out (which lets be honest they pretty much always are) you have to figure out which way they actually go.  Now if its the woman applying said condom there's a chance she will get it on wrong (air bubbles are bad)  but if you put it on, you pretty much have to put you're whole attention on the act of putting on the condom.  Now said condom is on (dear god did I really get glow in the dark?  for the love of God WHY?!?!?)  wait. . . where were we again?  Oh yeah (here's hoping you're still in the mood).  

Ok so you're in the act.  Everything's going great or at least appears to.  Great time to pull out.  Uh-oh where did it go? Oh snap is it still inside?  Um. . . excuse me.  you might want to check yourself.  Yeah that goes over great.  Or you have to grab it off yourself and make a dash for the nearest trash can.  Kinda kills the after glow if you leaf it on (also lets face it, it's gonna come loose, and dirty condoms in bed are a no no) but congratulations.  You just had sex!  Hopefully the whole thing was a blast and all the worry about condoms was much ado about nothing.  That is until next time. . .

Being a guy ain't easy, still, at least you used Condom Sense.     


Constitutional Insurgent said...

Excellent! The old adage is true, when a woman goes out on a Friday night, she knows if she's getting laid that night.

The burden is truly on us men.

Spockgirl said...

I was going to do a rebuttal to the "when it comes to dating... women have it easy", but... so far, all I could come up with is that it depends on what kind of chick. Imagine putting yourself through THAT just to go out on a date.

MSgt B said...

Holy Crap! You're on fire!

I LOL'd.

Argent said...

lol you sound like a horny nervous teenager. Girls have their troubles too.

Condoms are best kept wherever you might have sex. You don't need a smorgasbord chose-your-own-adventure of them, you know.

Fair enough on putting them on. It can kill the mood and for men with troubles in that area it's a disaster. They shouldn't be slipping off though. That probably means they are too large.

Sure they can be a PITA but beats child support and the clap.