Saturday, March 3, 2012

And now for something completely different

Have you ever noticed that when you really need a bathroom, as in "oh my God I'm going to EXPLODE," there's never one around? I mean we all get the Hershey Squirts, or the Big Rigs from time to time. Usually when there is most need to drop trou and pop a squat, you're nowhere near a good place to do that. To be clear while you can almost always find a public bathroom it tends to dissuade one from wanting to drop a deuce when some genius decided to finger paint with his or her fecal matter.

It also tends to make you not want to Take the kids to the pool if the last person (or couple of people) didn't pass basic marksmanship class while being potty trained. Indeed sometimes it looks like it went everywhere but the bowl. And once you see something like that no amount of wax paper or to cleaning will make that seat seem "safe". I mean after all you don't want to get anal herpes from an emergency evacuation do you?

No we would all rather go to the safe bathrooms that don't give us numbers to call or have "glory holes". Truth be told we would all rather have our own dedicated toilet, that we could take around with us. Certain in the knowledge that your ass is the only one it's kissed. As humorous as that might be to imagine people carrying around their own dedicated toilets, thats really not practical.

Indeed we may have to suffer back splash and groddy bowls, and turds that seem to not want to flush, but remember this pain is shared by all. . . Until you run out of TP. Yes that Bastard Murphy and his stupid law has just struck you again. You somehow found a way to suck it up long enough to unclench, or barely made it in time before blast off. Either way Houston, we have a problem. No you don't have the key that might be required to get the other roll that is so helpfully just out of your reach, or blocked. What do you do? Wait? Hop over to another stall, go out and get someone? Anyway you descried to go it is officially a shitty situation.

This has actually happened to me once in an Airport bathroom.  You can imagine sitting there realizing that I have NOTHING  to wipe away the foulness.  So if you could imagine there i sat with a real dilemma there for a moment.

"uh.  Hello?"  Silence.
"Is anyone out there?" someone washed their hands
"hello?" well this is working well.
"Excuse me could someone help me out here. . . "

Well I'll cut to the chase, I sat there for another five minuets, desperately trying to get someone's attention.  Finally some guy answered (THANK GOD!!!) and he was actually kind enough to agree to get someone from maintenance.  I guess there was some kind of a strike, or someone was having a phone call, or something, because I sat there for another thirty minuets.  Thankfully it was a productive thirty minuets (guess I still had to go) or I might've been upset.  Right about the point where I began to think "hey I better flush this pretty soon or I'm going to have a real problem here" I hear the maintenance man call out and ask if someone needed tp, I called out he passed it under, and I proceeded to wipe with steel wool.  Hey I'm not complaining.  I got to wipe after all!

All I can advise you is the next time you're on a road trip plan ahead.  Fast food and long car rides will probably lead to explosive diarrhea, and trust me that's not how you want to take the Browns to the Superbowl when you still got another 500 miles to go.  If you know a food makes you rush for the latrine, its probably a good idea not to eat it when you can't get to a "safe" bathroom sometime soon.  Just remember when it comes to your bowls its good to plan ahead.  It prevents Anus AIDS or Rectal fungus, or what ever the hell else might be growing on those public bathrooms from being anywhere near your rear.

How's that for Toilet Humor?

1 comment:

Argent said...

I think most of us have had a public toilet drama or two. I know many woman plan quite carefully to only shop where they like the loos.

One thing I find amusing is the tiny ratio of men who bother to wash their hands. Another highlight of public toilets is after washing hands you need to open the door presumably smeared with poop to get out.