Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Foods of Mass Destruction

Have you ever heard tales of Detainee abuse and asked "what'd they do make them eat Army food?" if not then you should probably start. I mean why smack or hit a detainee when you can just feed them Mermite chow which just a few short hours will have them screaming for the latrine tears in their face. I'm not kidding it's like a scene from Alien only out of your Anus. Probably more blood too.

You really have to hand it to the Army Cooks though, it must be tough when people on BOTH sides of the wire want to kill you. The worst part is it's not even (entirely) their fault.  Doesn't matter how many spices you put in a turd its still going to taste like a turd. . .  and trust me the food that we get is not good.  Most of the food you get is Grade A or B.  Don't think for a second that's what they give us.  There's actually a grade on there that states quite clearly "only fit for convicts and Soldiers"  Gee thanks.

When they refer to meals like "beef cubes" it tends to make one wonder if it really is beef.  I mean Beef doesn't come in (large) bite sized cubes.  It doesn't make sense.  The green beans that are supposed to go with these meals are strangely plastic tasting.  Food in the Army isn't so much eaten as inhaled.  You'd do anything not to taste what you're eating.  Keep in mind that while you're in the field you're typically burning calories like a crack head on Meth.  If a normal male burns 2000 calories a day depending on what you're doing you could be burning up to 3600 calories a day.  I don't care if it's Dog Shit on a hot dog bun, after a day like that you'll probably eat it. 

My biggest complaint about Mermite Chow was always the Eggs.  If they're scrambled there's this big bag of yellowish stuff they drop in a boiling pot.  How this scrambles the eggs I'm not sure but it comes out looking like Scrambled Eggs so at least it sorta looks like what its supposed to be.  Of course there's really two varieties here.  The rubbery stuff that looks like fake vomit (in a nice yellowish color) or the soupy stuff that you have to slurp more than actually eat.  Both taste terrible.  Both for very different reasons.  I could go on to describe the "over easy" that is basically a long tube of. . . something with a yellow ring inside of a white ring. . .but really I think I may vomit just thinking about it (again)

Indeed there are really only three meals out of the year that the Army says quite clearly that you CAN NOT GET WRONG.  4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I don't care if you're on COP Middle of Nowhere they will do just about anything and everything to make sure that on these days you get at least one non-neasuea inducing meal.  The rest of the year. . . good luck buddy . 

Notice how I haven't talked about MREs?  Oh those are a special kinda fun.  See while Mermite will give you the squirts MREs are chalk full of preservatives and whether from the processes of making them, or preserving them or what their actually made out of MREs are for sure going to plug you up with rock hard bricks that are about as fun to pass as a kidney stone.  The worst part is the parts of the MRE that you DO like are usually in with the main courses you don't like.  This has lead to the time honored tradition of the MRE Barter. 

"Anyone got Wheat snack bread?"

"Yeah what'll ya give me?"

"Ja-lapino cheese and crackers?"

So on and so forth.   Most of the time you heat them, because some of the courses are solid bricks and the only way you actually can  eat them is if they're steaming hot.  Of course some times the tactical situation dictates you have to eat them cold.  You can always take that little brown spoon and try to break up that really hard block that is the cheese tortellini (or other main course)  and hope (and also pray a little) that you can swallow past your gag reflex (I'm assuming you have one though in this New Army you really never know)

Then it comes time to take a shit.  For anyone not in the military, imagine a small Kleenex package about the size of your thumb.  THAT IS ALL THE TP THAT COMES WITH THE MRE!!!!  You sometimes have to do it the Arab way and use your left hand cuz after being in the Field for a week NO ONE  has any TP left.  So the next time you complain about you're tripple decker Burger with bacon, ranch and three types of cheese, remember there is some poor Gun Bunny, Canker Mechanic, Stetson Stooge, Tanker, Or 11 Pop Pop out there suffering through Food that will probably have him wishing to murder his taste buds. 


Constitutional Insurgent said...

Ah... Memories...

Just be glad that you missed other top shelf MRE items, like "Beef Patty, Chunked and Formed" of the dreaded "Ham and Turkey Loaf".

Perhaps it's just me, but I'm not overly fond of any meat product called a loaf, outside of Grandma's Meatloaf.

There's a reason hot sauce is always available.

77 11C20 said...

They must have improved the eggs, in the mid 70's the Mermite always turned them green but I do believe they were dated 1947 like our Willy Pete rounds. You sort of gained an affinity for C rats compared to what is there now, we used the peanut butter to heat the main meal can. But they were heavy to hump with. Also if you the MREs are bad you should try LRP rations, allegedly freeze dried, but you couldn’t get it soft no matter how you soaked it, but they were light.