Friday, April 6, 2012

The not so happy sock

One thing people never understand about deployments is the sheer utter boredom. Let me guess you played Call of Duty or saw Blackhawk Down, and you KNOW what Combat is all about. Guess what you're wronger than two alter boys tag teaming a priest. Let's face it, no one would watch a movie about an actual deployment.  If they ever learn of the stupid shit we do because we are so pants shittingly bored, they would think we're all a bunch of short bus riding redneck window lickers. Don't get me wrong almost every company has one of those, but most of the time we do these things that "normal" people might say "that doesn't seem like a good idea".  When you're that bored you tend to turn the word "not a good idea" to "Eh, why not?"

Case in point.  At one point during my second deployment we got nonlethal rounds for our shotguns and foam darts for our 40mm Grenade launchers.  Why?  Well we had a bad habit of causing riots.  I'm not kidding we'd cause the Iraqis to riot like clockwork.  I don't know what about 2-16 pissed them off so much, but man they loved to riot.  So here we have these nonlethal rounds.  Its not like we're going to use a 40MM grenade launcher on a crowd right?  What to do?  Test it out of course.     In one of those "eh why not" moments, one genius decided to try out the dart on a T-barrier.  He stood the prerequisite minimum safe distance and fired.  Only it was at an angle, and rebounded off and hit a poor schmuck standing near by.  The shot gun rounds we were going to test on people who volunteered but fortunately (or unfortunately depending on your take) Officers and NCOs put a stop to that. 

The same thing happened when we got the LRAD or Long Range Acoustic Devise.  Its essentially a speaker that plays the most God awful noise at a volume on par with jet engines.  Its  pretty focused so if you're closer than thirty meters you'll actually kill your hearing and supposedly its lethal if you are within five and right in front of it.  The point being to make people disperse.  But then someone said it makes you shit your pants too.  The infamous brown note.  There was no actual setting for "shit your pants" so we all took turns standing in front of it fingers in our ears (because it actually did hurt to stand close to it) and would stand as long as we could to see if anyone shit their pants.  Nope.  Darn.  That would have been funny if it did.

At another point we had a game.  The good game.  Literally.  You would slap the shit out of someones ass if they ever bent over and presented a target.  Double points if they were in PTs (believe me it hurt a hell of a lot worse than if you were in ACUs).  And as an added bonus because we were in the desert, you didn't have to say "good game"  but did just so they knew they were gotten.  Of course this lead to some very awkward questions when it came time for showers.  Its not like we're staring at each others asses or anything but its kind of hard not to notice a huge red welt in the shape of a hand on someone's ass. 

Of course these hijinks would only take you so far.  I mean the games were still fun and it would have you laughing (and rubbing your ass) For a few minuets but there were still 24 hours in a day and your prank just ate up 5 whole minuets.  Watch movies?  That gets boring too.  Work out.  Without a doubt.  But you can only work out so much.  So you've just managed to waste a whole 6 hours.  Chances are you'll be awake for at least 16-18 (more on "busy" days but you tend to notice boredom less then)  so what do you do.  Well a lot of folks' answer was. . . the happy sock.

Rub one out.  Stroke the pole.  Pump the Peter.  Masturbate. Some people used actual socks, some got a "fleshlight" or a pocket vagina from a male order catalog, others dry fisted it.  I really didn't want to know the details as I had a method of my own and since I didn't want anyone saying anything to me or catching me in the act, I wasn't keen on sharing myself.  That was until I had a soldier come to me with a problem.  See this soldier, we'll call him Specialist Snuffy, got very bored one day after his DVD player broke.  Well I'd seen him duck out a bunch of times to the shitter, so I thought he was going to ask me for something to cure the Baghdad Blowouts.  Oh how wrong I was.

"Hey Doc. . . I've got a. . . well I've got a bit of a problem."  Says he

"Food got you down?  Yeah no problem.  You haven't eaten any local stuff have you?"

"what?  Oh no its not that."

At this point I was already reaching into my bag to get some loparomide out.  I stop.

"Ok. . . well what is it?"

"Um. . . I have to show you but I don't want everyone seeing."

Um . . . God I hope this isn't going to turn homo.

"Ok," says I "Just let me grab some gloves first."

I do and thank God I did.  He leads me to a part of our COP that really had no people at this point and proceeds to drop trow and show me his dick.  Crap.  Well you're a Medic I say to my self part of the job is you're the resident Pecker checker.  Let's get this over with.  I put the gloves on, and actually get a look and somethings wrong right away.  See I'm not entirely sure but I think I see callouses and this individual has rubbed raw his tally wacker.  I mean the thing is red and angry and looks like its about to bleed, and worst of all it looks like the head is made out of plastic.  I mean its purple and. . . Shiny.  That's not how its supposed to look.

"What the hell. . . ?  What the f**k did you do man?"

"I was just going out to the shitter and I figure I'd rub one out but it. . . hurt it hurt when I got it up and when I started stroking I thought I was going to rip the damn thing off."

"Wow, I. . . wow."

Well the conversation proceded I found out that this was time number 9 today to play with the fireman, so that explains the painful erection.  I'm going to wait to tell him when I broach the subject of what he has been using as lubricant.  Can you guess?  Soap.  Apparently he'd had a really fun showertime sometime and he figured why not.  So he'd take a bar of soap lather up and go at it.  I kind of have to shake my head at this.  Its not a good idea.  Well I tell him trying very hard to be professional here, that I can't really do anything till we get back to the FOB, but he has to stop masturbating this rotation, and it would be a good idea to find someone with some lotion (I know SOMEONE has some) I also advised getting a clean sock or something to put over his Johnson so it doesn't rub a lot.

We were out for a couple more days and I could tell he wasn't having a good time, because he was always wincing.  I of course being the utmost professional consulted my fellow medics about it.  Laughing may or may not have ensued.  When we got back I was going to drag him to sick call but he begged off saying that it felt better and he really didn't want that going in his medical records.  Fine says I, but I'm going up to the Aid Station anyway, it would be real quick.  No, no he'd really rather not.  Ok no problem.  I went up in my ACUs which is a bit uncommon for me because you always wanted to be in PTs on the FOB.  I made my usual reports and then when no one was looking swiped a cargo pocket full of SurgiLube.  I admonished him not to play with the fireman so much, and gave him the lube and made him swear that he wouldn't use anything else.

About a week later I had at least three more guys asking for SurgiLube.  Somehow I became the KY Pimp.  Funny how that works. 


Constitutional Insurgent said...

Dammit man, you're letting out all of the secrets!

But you're right...the absolutely retarding things we did when we were bored would shock and amaze the average person.

Spockgirl said...



Shaking head laughing. I know I shouldn't laugh, but I can't help it. Have to wonder if there isn't anything you won't not write about.

Cholo said...

now this is GOLD