Thursday, October 11, 2012

Dear *****

Dear *****,

There is so much I wish I could say, but I'm sure that if I ever met you again face to face, there would only be memory of the hurt I caused.  How can I explain what happened?  Its too late, far too late to do anything, but give out an apology and hope you have a good life.  I wish I could let it all go, but there will always be a part of me that hopes, longs, for you to forgive me and return to me. 

Do you remember when you were coming to visit, and I told you to wait a few minuets.  I felt like such a fool, but it meant so much that I get it right the first time.  The look on your face when you saw what I had done was priceless.  Do you remember when I looked out and told you my battalion was having a ball.  I should have been with them, but I had been away for so long, that I didn't feel like a part of my own unit.  That was ok.  I was sad at the time, but I had you, and for the first time since I lost ***** I was truly happy. 

I remember taking you around Manhattan, I remember time went by too damn fast.  I loved you damned much I felt like I was walking on air.  Everything seemed in sync.  And then I just went and screwed it up.  I am so sorry.  I wish I could find the magic words to undo what I said, but in the height of my medications, and in the middle of a really bad day I blew up on you.  Then I lost you forever.  I can't even find out if my words ever reached you. 

Till the day I die, I doubt that any woman will ever capture my heart the way you have, which leads to even more shame that I screwed things up so badly.  I could blame the drugs they gave me to keep me "sane" I could blame the war for making me unhinged, hell I could even blame the flashbacks and lack of sleep.  In the end they would all be cop outs.  I pushed you away.  I was the one that reacted wrongly.  I was the one that hurt you, and I have never stopped regretting it since. 

Your pictures, scant few that I have, are on my phone.  I always pull them up on the truly bad days, to remind me that there were some good days.  My back hurts far more than when you knew me.  If you remember when we tried to run together, well, my knees and shins hurt even more now than they did then.  In short I feel like a very old man.  I doubt there were ever be a wife and children for me.  I don't think I would want to marry any woman but you, even though I know that's never going to happen. 

You're never far from my thoughts *****.  The memories of your warm smile, or the peaceful time on top of that silly bunny slope in your hometown remind me that life is not all death and despair.  There is life, hope and happiness as well.  I don't think those things are meant for me, but that they're there reminds me that there is still good in this world. 

I do not know what path my life will take.  My future is even more uncertain now than when you and I were together.  I knew then that I could take on the world willingly so long as you were by my side.  Now, I doubt highly that I'll be anything of consequence.  Whatever aspirations I might have had, all had revolved around you and the future we would forge together.  The more time I spend on my own I begin to realize why humans aren't meant to be alone.  I hope that you have found the right man.  Someone worthy of your affections.  I hope you will never be alone.  Be it with a husband who can give you all your heart desires, or the many children I hope you have. 

I do not know where the world will take me from here.  It seems pointless to even really bother asking.  My only honest heartfelt prayer, simply to see you again, will probably not be answered.  At some point I'll have to make peace with that, but for now. . . I still love you.  I will always love you.  Until I draw my last breath I will hold the memory of you dear.  So if you ever read this my love, remember me.  Remember the good man I used to be, before anger and despair twisted me up inside.  Until we meet again.

Love always,


Katie said...

Do not despair.....there is always hope Doc.

Anonymous said...

Doc, I care. Please forgive yourself and seek a helping hand. CJBSRN

Anonymous said...

Please keep your dream but look to the living as you truly deserve someone just liked you described for her that is gone. I promise it won't be the same but it could be just as wonderful.

Anonymous said...

That is a poignant letter. I think we all have one to whom we could write such a missive, without fretting about meds or PTSD. I think it is human nature to hurt those we love, and to forgive those we love who hurt us. I know that I could write a similar letter, and most days, I hope that a special man has written something similar for me. As a woman, I know that when men pull or push away, we have no choice but to let them go. If we chase, they only run further or push us away harder. We have no way of knowing, when we are pushed away, if it because he doesn't care at all, or because he cares too much. In most cases, he has just moved on, but maybe sometimes he thinks he has done irreparable damage and cannot face us... maybe?

I do I hope that she has had the chance to know you still care. I haven't yet had a chance to catch up on all your history, but I do know that honourable men are rare, and those of us who love them know that they come with a special set of baggage. We know, and we accept, what you are, without judgment, only with love. The damage is like facets on a diamond - without the cuts, the glimmering beauty inside cannot be seen. Without the experience, the memories, you would still be a diamond in the rough - lumpy, bumpy and unimpressive. What you've lived has made you who you are. Maybe she can see that... if she can't, then accept yourself for what you are and let your facets attract someone else. But do give her the chance - for all those of us who wish he'd come back...

Thank you for your letter. I hope you don't mind if I pretend for a while that it was written for me!