I have been incredibly flustered lately. The lack of job continues to weigh on me and looking at the debts I have or soon will have, it is enough to drive me batty. Indeed today, my significant other had to grab me when I was about ready to pound the computer I was working on. The source of my ire? A website associated with a national chain wanted me to reenter all the information that was on the resume they asked me to upload, and wanted answers to questions I couldn't answer or was trapped by. In the process of the move a lot of things were left in the air. It was not an orderly transition at all.
Perhaps worst of all I've gone from having at least some control over my life, if only to say "you know what? I think I'm going to get Subway, not [insert fast food chain]." I am literally at the mercy of those around me. Should I at any point out stay my welcome I am hosed. More than that I really don't like being this way. I hate that I have no control. I loathe feeling like a bum every day, and perhaps worst of all facing the ever growing list of things I need to do is filling me with a sense of vaguely defined panic. I suppose it is akin to a blind man sensing a tsunami about to hit.
My significant other is great though. She realized the problem, having gone through the exact same thing herself. She was calm, compassionate and understanding, and perhaps just by being there she helped. A lot. So at midnight even though she desperately needed to get to sleep she took me to the hot tub, because she sensed I needed it, and as I sat outside I happened to look up and see clouds that weren't quite right. Clouds that moved too fast and I realized what I was seeing. An Aurora Borealis. In my opinion it is one of the most beautiful natural phenomena known to man, and like a camp fire it can be truly mesmerizing.
While sitting in the hot tub, my fiancé said all the things a guy ever wants to here. She had faith in me. Confidence that our struggles would make us stronger in the end. She told me that her sisters have had the same struggles. One sister, if they make it to March will be the first full year that she and her husband have been employed since they knew each other. Her other married sister hasn't had stable finances in the six years that they've been married, and her husband's current job has him gone three days a week. Still... I'm starting off as low as I can get. Its scary, and the thought of being married with the kind of financial troubles we have now. . .
We didn't stay in that long, though I would have liked to. It was the first peaceful moment I've felt since I don't know when, but she really did have to get to sleep, and I needed to at least try. As I looked up one last time before going inside I was struck with a thought. After the first full day of fighting at Fredericksburg, which saw a terrific slaughter, the Union troops were hunkered down behind fortifications of their fallen brethren, and happened to look up and see an Aurora. It's rare to see one so far south as Fredericksburg Virginia, and on this particular night after a day of sheer hell, it was a sight that robbed most men of their powers of speech. That something so beautiful could follow something so ugly touched those men to their very souls. One Union soldier even said that it was as if the souls of their comrades were watching over them.
With that thought, I realized, I've survived a lot. My problems, for all the angst they have caused me are not nearly as bad as those of a Union soldier on the night of December 14th 1862. For me I can enjoy this beauty without fear of someone shooting me. And, if the souls of those I've lost are looking down on me in this Aurora, than hopefully they'll be saving me a cold one when my times comes to join them.
Love you babe and your beautiful, contemplative mind. You are a good man, a man of integrity, and I am lucky to have you.
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