Thursday, October 25, 2007

Well Shit

so a lot has happened since my last post, and I'm not sure where to begin. So I'll start with the news:

THE FIRES: Well as everyone knows there are major fires in SoCal. in my home town of Fallbrook, there was a masive evacuation. The entire town was emptied. Most of the roads out were cut by fire. So they were sent through Camp Pendleton, the entire town. I was told that the average speed was between 5-10. I can not imagine this, I am not sure if there was panic, but my mom has been watching Fox News nonstop.

It is a small sidenote that the response to this disaster has been phenominal. In COMPLETE contrast to the Katrina response. Both Local and State officials in both cases are polar opisites. Add to that the People are vastly different. While there are some people taking advantage of the situation (looting is nearly impossible to stop) it is nowhere NEAR the pre/post Katrina looting. Also people are genuily being charitable towards eachother.

So what does this tell you? I think that despite the fact that Katrina was a longer drawn out disaster (once the fires are out it's pretty much rebuilding) the people in New Orleans didn't try to help eachother nearly as much as they should have. The Local government went to peices and didn't evacuate till right before the huricane hit. the State government. . . not much better. Now years later we still hear "Katrina Katrina, Katrina. . . " as a warcry of those who feel that everyone else failed them. Although i am not mitigating the tragity. . . it didn't have to be as bad as it ended up being. Look at San Diego.

LT Michael Murphy: All that can be said about a MOH winner, is simply "they were Heroes." I will only say this: Heroism is not uncommon. Yes you can find a lot more of it among the military. It is shameful that this isn't remebered. As amazing as it may seem people honestly see people in the army as dumb stupid, and that honor is a concept for fools. Be selfish if you wish, in the end if there are no selfless people the country WILL collapse. If you do not fight for your freedoms, then you will lose them.

It sickens me that we that take up arms for our home are forgotten so easily. It terrifies me that some people in america do not even know what a Medal of Honor IS! How did we come to this point? Politics sickens me, but I fear that I mucst (eventually) take up arms for the cause of descency, so that men like LT Murphy are not forgotten so easily.

Ok so on to personal things. I had my Psyche review yesterday. As I keep trying to tell people, I am not entirely crazy. But if you read my write up I have "chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder", "Adjustment Disorder" and a few other notables. Wow. I never knew how fucked up I am. It's kind of funny. I am not sure if I am cheering for the crazy, or the sane. Well It doesn't matter. I've been given the "All clear" from psyche.

I am not sure if I am glad to hear this, or if i am pissed that i'm getting short changed. I think it's kinda funny that I might be crazy. Part of me uses it as an excuse for all the things that I do that might be considdered . . . strange. Haha it is something you'd have to know me for.

Last but not least, Lisa. It is a saga, damn near an epic. last night, while she was on CQ we were texting back and forth and after she said something inconsequential, that reminded me of an earlier incident she asked for my help, I lost my cool. Something, sadly that has been hapening all to often. what i said, well since my phone doesn't store messages, i can not repeat. But how i said it is what's important. All the hurt turned to rage, and boiled over.

This morning brevet my anger, I had only the dismal sinking dispair that has come to color my conversations with her. I baisically said goodbye. To which she wanted to know why i was simply walking out of her life. Even after the hurtful things i had said she still wanted to know. I tried to explain how much it hurt, why I was so angry, all these things. Finally she asked the question she had been repeating. so i told her what i had been planning on doing.

Against the advise of friends, family, leaders, hell pretty much everyone I talked to, I had a plan. As usual with my plans, It was half cocked, but I was going to ask her to marry me when i went home on R/R. The only reason I put on a previous post about no one wanting to be with me was because some of those people that had told me to "dump her fast" or "cut slingload" or even "fucking run" read this very blog. In my presumptions i hurt her and drove her into the arms of another man. As if it weren't complicated enough this other man was also with another woman, adding to her confusion. When she told me about it a few days ago it became clear just how much this hurt, but it wasn't till this morning that she realized just how deep the pain runs.

The tragity here is that we never comunicated how we felt very well. Not until after it appears this relationship is hopelessly wrecked. I think it's funny in a tragic sort of way, and to tell the truth I'd have cried if i were still capable of it. This whole while it's been emotionally draining, and I simply don't know what to do anymore. This morning I would have gladly jumped headlong into a firefight. Tonight, i am confused, and unsure.

If you had asked me yesterday what would happen between Lisa and I, I would have told you eventually (probably soon) i would fade to a distant memory. I was sure that there was no chance in hell that she and I would EVER get together again. Now, i am again filled with doubt, but this time i doubt the certainty that there is no future between us. I simply do not know, but i need to clear my head and think about it.

It's strange. I haven't done anything dangerous today. I havn't come close to anything remotly scary, and yet i have this feeling like I'd just come off an adrenalin rush, or that that deep fear you get when you hear that SPREE as a bullet wizzes by. Perhaps I had invested myself so much in Lisa, probably more than i realized, that the near loss of her friendship (and love) has me feeling the sameway i feel when i realize how close I might have come to meeting the "Big Man upstairs". My hands have been shaking all day, that cold chill keeps going down my spine.

I do not know where i go from here. I do not know how I got here. I only know that "Here" is NOT where I want to be. Like I tried to tell Lisa, "every complexity is only a number of simplicites woven together." i need to unravel this but I do not have the faintest clue how.

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