Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Lost Love (a manefesto)

I'm Tired as hell and havn't been sleeping well so if this seems disjointed bare with me

There are always cause and effect. There is always a reason for why things happen. I have spent time wondering how the hell I came to this point. How did my relationship with lisa seem to end up on such a lousy note. God knows i pour my heart into everything I do, and my feirce love for her never abated, if anything it just got stronger. So how did we end up here? I took time to identify what happened and this is what I learned. Though neither would admit it at the time we were BOTH at fault.

To be sure i may have marginalized my share of the blame on this blog. A point which enfuriated Lisa more than I had acounted for. When i thought I was acounting my side of events I tried to be unbiased, but sadly that is nearly impossible. That wasn't the beginning. The beginning actually happened AFTER Lisa left baisic. She went for letters all the time, to no hand written letters and only scarse few e-mails. This was confusing to me. I didn't understand. Ultimatly Lisa had lots to learn and a life again (or something resembling it) but unbeknownst to me, everytime I called kept her going.

Ultimatly, asking others for an explination for things i did not understand, I got advise from men (and women) who had reason to be jadded in their expeirenceses with the oppisite sex, and finally talking to mom and her "she doesn't know what she wants yet" speach, while it seemed like wisdom at the time and seemed so true (it is in a way) Led me to make a SECOND major mistake. The first was not telling Lisa how important her letters were to me and asking her to continue. I did the "just friends" line.

Time passed and i realized my error and i tried to hint (but did not tell) I wanted her back. Even though conversations with her seemed strained again i can not fault her, because she had "a life" to live. It's hard to drop everything for someone that, even though very dear to your heart, is far away. Ultimatly there are no easy ways to sum up the comunications problem. Part of it lies in the fact that there were days, I'd stay up till 0200 or 0300 in the morning with a mission maybe shortly there after, just to hear her be somewhat distracted as she talked to me. It hurt. But i didn't say anything and I should have. What's worse, it hurt that she'd only say "i miss you" occasionally, and i guess she was really trying to tell me I love you.

There was also emotional problems. I will not even guess what type Lisa has, but it is clear she had a hard life and was never valued as a person. I wish only that i could find some way to show her i never stopped seeing her worth, or hoping that I could be there for her. There is such goodness and tenderness in her. That the world has not noticed it is a tragity. But my emotional problems are the focus here. Depression is the first and easiest to spot. Though I often Play it off, I have bouts of deep depression. Guilt, Fear, Doubt, and the emotional scars, not only of my service in Iraq, but from my life before. My social awkwardness, borne from a childhood spent on the "outside" looking in. I've always felt alone. For a few brief moments Lisa gave me hope, and made me remeber what life is. Sadly it is far too easy to get lost in your own pain, as I did, and ignore just how much others care. If anything the response to my post "taking a break" on myspace, makes it clear that I am loved. I just couldn't see how much.

Finally The foolish feeling that Lisa didn't want to see me leading to an entry on this same blog that made it seem that no woman wanted to see me. I was a fool to think that because she didn't post didn't mean she didn't read. I unknowlingly drove her to the arms of another man. It wasn't till I got home I realized the gravity of my errors. But sadly again lost in my own pain I ignored hers. And again drove her to the arms of another man. Now that all my cleverness has been shown to be foolish pride, and i realize just how monumental of an ass I've been to her, I simply gave into despair. Even when I thought that I was better off, I realized I wasn't. Since my last conversation with her I've felt numb one moment, then full of something close to panic (I have to fix this!!!) followed by utter despair (It's too late, she's already gone.). When I tried to call her, i was one click away from going AWOL, and trying to fix this in person, which would have been the worst mistake I could have made I think, for more than one reason, but her new boyfriend answered, the rest is history.

Perhaps the worst part was last night. Every time I closed my eyes I say Craig. Broken Jaw, sputtering blood all over the back of the driver's seat in 2-3. But it was different, He'd open his eyes, and ask "what have you done to deserve a second chance". Then I'd see the awful fire that engulfed 2-2. I'd hear the rounds cooking off, I'd see Hasi running up to extinguish the fire, but he stopped and asked "aren't you gonna try Doc?" and Instead of LT saying "Harrelson's KIA" he said "you've got to get in there Doc" "I can't it's too Hot" a round wizzes by my head. "He's got someone he won't blow it with." he shouts "But I can't get close!" i screamed in pain. the fire burns my hand as I try to reach in. Spanky is still screaming in inhuman pain. then his black and chared face looks at me, his eyeballs starting to melt "I would have had a good future doc" he said it ever so calmly as the flesh pealed away from his bones. And then there was Lisa, she was in Drew's place, a bad wound to the leg, and I'm trying to save her shoving Kirlex in, she keeps screaming for me to stop hurting her, but i have to do it I say, I realize then that i'm not packing gauze at all but stabbing her. It was a long night to say the least.

It's taken a lot of friends telling me to be patient to finally calm me down. Some of these friends I had lashed out at, and been forgiven by. This is the true test of friendship, and despite the fact that at the time I felt completly alone, I was not, by any stretch of the imagination. I am amazed at how forgiving people have been. I may not have realized it at the time, drunk in mustangs, but there are a lot of GOOD people around me, and in the world in genral. I do not know where this leads me but it's good to know.

At first I simply didn't know how to cope, so i did what always made me feel good. I hit the gym, and i Hit it Hard. I'd sprint on the treadmil for as long as i could stand, then imediatly went into a strenious workout. I'd focus on a muscle group and lift till i could barely lift my arms let alone the weights, then i'd switch up and lift some more, and just for shits and giggles I'd do abs afterwards. But this was not a good solution as my pancreatic "attacks" returned, with a vengance. Over Four days I hit every major muscle group, and all four days I ended up on my floor withing in pain. Not a good solution but at least i had a physical focus for my pain. Even if the docs told me it could kill me.

Finally my thick skull absorbed something. She made her choice. In the end it took three of my closest friends, and one of my battle buddy's fiancee/ex-wife (LONG story and not mine to tell) to make me see this.

Katie, who left a scathing comment about Lisa and really pissed her off, even though she does not know Lisa doesn't like her for a veriety of reasons. It was a personal dislike I think. Part of the reason Katie disliked Lisa so much was the affect Lisa had on me. The confusion doubt and uncertainty, in a place where such things can kill you. Katie also disliked her for what she called "waffling" but I honestly am not sure what that means. True this makes Lisa seem like a horrible person which is not correct in any strech of the imagination. She's a lonely person, and sometimes lonely people are so desperate for love they'll take it from wherever they can get it.

Nicole, who I had lashed out at in a drunken rage (and subsequently been forgiven by) took a similar view of Lisa, again not because of any of the things she had or hadn't done, but because of the affect on me. She took a more religious approach. She told me that if it WAS right that I'd be with Lisa then (eventually) it would happen. She told me i had to listen to what my heart told me, which actually might be a bad thing because at the time i was thinking about going AWOL or certan more extreme options. (i think deploying WITH her or extending to stay on the same FOB as her is a BAD idea, but i can't help but feel if she goes before I make amends then it really and truly WILL be over) Over the years she's always given me sound advise, if it has been a little bizzare at times.

Anja, the Ex-wife/fiancee of Sgt Johnson helped me out a lot this morning. when i was still serously contemplating going AWOL to see her and do. . . something. She told me that I couldn't just sit in my room txting her all the time (woops). But I have to give it a few days (um maybe more?) and she MIGHT talk to ME. She told me I needed to take a break from myself, because all that is going through my mind would drive me nuts (i think she's VERY right) That friends would help me out by keeping me busy, so I wasn't just sitting around. She knows about *complicated* relationships and she didn't imediatly question my rationalle only advised that I temper it. She told me that If I really thought Lisa was worth it, I'd find a way. Anja gave me hope that it's not all over, and eventually I may get another chance. Anja offered to call but i think having a laundry list of people i know calling her would be a BAD idea. still I really do apriciate the thought.

It was the last one, Andrea, (ironically one I'd hurt almost exactly one year before lisa and I started dating) who had gone through a whole range of emotions, before finally simply being a friend, that said it best. We BOTH made mistakes. Browbeating myself about it isn't going to do anything, and even though I was willing to lay it all on the line, it simply wasn't in the cards. And although I really did ephasise my foul ups, not even knowing Lisa, or the situation Andrea said simply that it's hard to be a military Girlfriend, and sometimes you have to accept that. In closing she said that Lisa was faced with a choice and took the easier of the two. She asked me if faced with thad descision again what would she chose. I know it's hurt Lisa, but the truth is I simply don't know.

I do not know the whole situation with "shane" nor do I want to. I know simply that the desperation to get her back is slowly being replaced with a sadness, a deep sadness at the inevitablitiy of things. That my conversation with her about the little spring at the top of the pistol grip may well be the last i have with her. I don't know if I'm ok with that. But I really don't have much choice in the matter.

Gertrude, often seen as a semi-antagonist to Hamlet (she was his mother) did give him one truly sound peice of advise "Hamlet, this above all things else, to thine own self be true." I have not been true to myself. I swore as a matter of Honor (you may break all my bones and strip my Dignity away but when I surrender my Honor I am truly Lost) that I would NEVER even THINK about dating a married woman. I made an exception for Lisa because it was a "contract" marriage, and had little meaning to the man (seeing as he is gay). I made so many exceptions for her. My "rules" my ethical code, is something I cherish because it keeps me from giving in to my darker elements. It keeps me in the right. I say this not as a testament to how far I've fallen, but as a testament to just how much I love her. Even after he tried to kill me I put the life of an Iraqi man above my own because eventhough I would have LOVED to see him die, he became my patient, and I was going to do my dammedest to save him.

Many a good, and I suppose more importantly interested women have I turned down on the sole basis that they were dating someone, or worse married to someone. Even if i had the key, the one idea that win Lisa's heart, I can not do it now. To try to break up another's relationship because "I was here first" or "she's mine" or even simply because I love her, would be wrong, no matter how much I care. No matter if I can no longer even look at her picture without a deep gnawing sadness and longing, I WILL NOT DO IT!!! It is who I am to always at least attempt to take the hard right, over the easy wrong. Some may see it as stiff and rigid, but it is simply who I am. I must hold my tounge. And should she ask for help repairing her relationship with him, I am obligated to help. Chivalry is not dead.

This morning I spoke aloud. As often happens one does not know where these words originate from, but I said "I will spend the rest of my life with her or I will spend the rest of my life waiting for her." It is not an oath as such, so I am not bound to it, but for now, I will follow that, until such time as I am forced to either swear it or disavow it.


Unknown said...

Polonius said it to Laertes when Laertes was leaving. It's part of the "Neither a borrower or a lender be" speech. :)

And I can only assume that since Nicole and I agreed, we MUST be right... :)

Chin up, Mikey. It could always be worse, and it'll always get better (eventually).

Unknown said...

I tagged you- check my blog.