Hurry Up and Wait

It is an old saying. "Hurry Up and Wait" the seemingly countrary statement is one that, if you have not been in a military, might not make anny sense. In the civillian world, time is money, and wasted time it not acceptable. In the army, you are always ready to go, and you are always acting like everything has to be done NOW, with the minor exception of certain things (ie details designed to keep you "out of sight out of mind")

Sadly, even in a warzone, where quite often the chaos is pure "move your ass" there is still the same hurry up and wait. It is something that a poor soul like me with ADHD, finds taxing, frusteration, agravating, and always down right annoying. Although i have gotten good at finding something to do with nothing. . . but still, I HATE sitting arouns with my thumb up my ass.

Today was one such day. At one point it looked like a simple drop off detanees, grab chow, head back and do some other bullshit mission. but that was not the case. For some reason we stayed here. We waited, and waited, and perhaps most frusterating of all we had these assholes in our AO!!! I wouldn't have minded staying in Rusty all day, if we'd had a clear understanding of exactly what was going on, if we weren't locked down, and if we DIDN'T HAVE FUCKING MILITA IN OUR AO!!! Like i've said before, once you detain them they go from jonny jihad for life to super bitch in no time.

So finally it came down not rolling out tonight. No problem. Fuck the COP for a night. it'll still be there in the morning, and besides if someone has to do a little extra COP security, FUCK EM. We did a week of that shit WITH NO FUCKING A/C!!!

As one can tell I'm a little frusterated. It might be the fact that i am so far from lisa, or that it's a roller coaster ride (and 90% of it is me mind fucking myself) Or hey the grand parents circiling the drain. In their last few years of life, the decline is. . . rapid. Or maybe it's the fact that i'm doing this shit again when i should be at college. I've reached that "iritation" phase. everything is iritating and annoying, and often little things make me angry. In a few months i'll probably reach indifferent. but for right now. . . i hate this fucking place, the NP's and IA need to get their shit strait, and it's pissing me off to see grown men act like kids playing soldier.

I've had a lot of time to sit and think about things, and the more i think about them, the angrier i get. It is simply not enough to say "fuck this place" and drive on. When i get back i'll have four combat stripes. FOUR. that's two years of my life and if they extend me again i'll have as many as Audy Murphy. I tire of this. and yet, i had to come. I had to be here. In the end i am a Vet of the truest degree. I hate the places i go, yet i miss being there when i'm not there. weird world hugh.

Lovers become friends.

I think it's pretty official. Of whatever the hell "official" is. Lisa and I are just friends. Although I probably should be hurt, i see her smiling face, and i just can't be mad. I love her. She'll always be something special to me, and i may not ever be able to explain why. Ultimatly this relationship didn't have the strong roots it needed to survive two back to back deployments. It is not anyone's fault. It just is.

Does this put me "back on the market"? No. I'm still hoping to pick up with Lisa when the dust settles, but let's face it, i'm 23 and i've been to war twice. She's 21 and she hasn't been in the army that long. I can't blame her. Hell AIT was insane for me. If i'd had a girl back then. . . well she's in a male heavy MOS, so it's probably just like my experience at Ft Sam, only with less people. Of course Ft Sam will always be a special catagory. Medics ar MEDCOM's grunts. that being said, we partied our asses off, and as for medic females. . . fond memories. haha. Is Lisa sleeping around? No. I don't think so. She's pretty busy from what i take it. she'd have to be pretty determined to sleep around.

I will push on. It's all i can do. with the frusteration with my grandparents, it comes at a bad time. Still, Lisa my dear, if you ever read this, I don't hold it against you. I am not angry. When i looked at your picture, all i felt is warmth of love and acceptance that this is as it should be.

War and Peace

It is easily said that any soldier desires peace at the end of the day. a day off, or away, sometimes is all the peace you need. sometimes it's not. for me right now a day off, and eved away from my platoon, do me not the slighest bit of good. It's getting to the point (the point that is reached in all deployments) where the quirks start to get on your nerves. Who knew that the seccond time around would be worse than the first.

I am getting annoyed at my PSG. His constant insistance that i always drop everything ang go to the gym is kind of iritation. worst of all i've stopped losing weight and actually GAINED weight. I'm up from the previous 216 to 222. This is something of a concern for me. Of course i have been lifting a lot more lately, so i guess it balences out.

The war continues, but i truly tire of it. The patrols, COP security, even the dull routine of being back here "relaxing". The only thing that i can say about the refit days that really has me happy is that at least my roomie isn't here. He was REALLY starting to get on my nerves. But if the way things are going is any indication, you can bet, i'll be fruity as a nut cake when i redeploy.

I am truly growing to lothe going out to speak to these people. The lies they tell aren't even that good. Half the time they tell me things that are absolutly beyond the relm of possibility. And of course NOBODY KNOWS A FUCKING THING. If America has as many people in it that had no idea what is going on. . . well i'm pretty sure it'd be like three mile island but worse. I grow tired of kids asking for soccer balls then throwing rocks at us when we don't have any. Perhaps worst of all, I am sick of dealing with ISF (Iraqi Security Forces) I won't say anything on here that might be useful to the Enemy, but my opinion of them is low.

The Peace I long for. . . I wouldn't mind a place in the country. A farm. A place with horses maybe. somewhere near the moutains, somewhere that is cool in the summer, and in the winter there is snow. A place full of green. A place with a loving, or at least understanding wife, and a few munchkins, a lot of munchkins. But will i ever get suck a place? It is doubtful. I also doubt i'd find peace anywhere. A Warrior can leave the war but the war never leaves the warrior.

Comparisons

take a look at the above picture. That wouls be called the "now" I'm pulling security from a bunker (hence the sand bags)


While this one




is when i was finally about to leave Gains Mills. Notice any differance? i would like to think that one is the same as the other but i realize that in a way despite the fact that they are the same person at different time and they share experiences, one is more mature, and better. the other is close to a rough night, and swaeing off drinking (it didn't last).

Some times you wish you could go back. Who would i be if i hadn't joined? Who knows.

happy mothers day

I have witnessed the "miricle" of birth. Honestly, it is awful, horrible and disgusting. Best of all newborns are the single UGLIEST things i've ever laid eyes on. Of course Ive seen mothers (and fathers) break down and cry and say she/he's so beautiful. Ummm no but ok. needless to say at one point I was one of those pruned shrivvled masses, that ugly lump of flesh that is some how in some strange way "cute" My Mother, having endured countless hours of leibor, i havn't asked her about, and really I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. That's almost as bad as dad always hinting at the story of my conception.

Of course for roughly 8 years (minus the incomvient and really dangerous pregnancy with Patrick) i was a single child. She took care of me, and really Most parents would have been flustered with me. Running away from school, taring wallpaper off my bedroom while i was put on time out, and circumventing nearly EVERY parental control they put in place. But with her guidance, and quiet gental direction, what might have seemed like one disaster after another taught me (more or less) how to survive.

So today i say, "Here's you you Mom." For all the crap i gave you, and all the things you had to go out of your way to do, thank you. Of course no mere words can say, what i owe her. And her worring about me while i'm here in sunny beautiful (hahaha) Baghdad, probably arn't helping. But life is what it is. I hope for her sake, she is able to move on, and i hope Patrick knows how lucky he is to have her as a mom.

To all the Mothers out there. Thank you. Some of your sons turn out to be assholes (insurgents) but hey thanks for the hells you went through to have us anyway.

Hotter than Hell

It is often said "man it is hotter than hell" Personally i have no idea how hot hell gets, but Iraq right about sumer time makes me wonder. Asside from the already ingrained heat, it is also wearing body armor that kind of adds to my misery. Of course this is a subject that has been talked about many a time, but when a guy looks like he just got thrown in a pool, and it's not because he was actually in a pool. . . that's about the time you realize it's really really hot.

Summer is when people wheather conciously or unconciously, start to be more active do more things. people huddle up in winter, in summer they move about. Sadly this is also true for insurgents and Militamen alike. Although i feel like i want to die (figurativly) at times, these people actually want to die, as evidanced by the ENDLESS stream of "myrtr" photos held up on street signs and posters. In truth, nobody will remember these assholes in a few months.

While it is somewhat disconcerting to wake up to mortar fire, even close calls, and near misses can't really deter me from finishing this fight. I am simply waiting for a militaman to poke his head out. Let me catch one trying to shoot at me. I 'll give hime all the opertunity to ask why he's in hell.

So misery continues. I silently smile a wan, knowing smile when soldiers complain about it being 95 degrees. Though it seems the heat is going up 5 degrees a day, I know it will be far far worse. Best of all we are busy. Last time, i managed to miss most of july. The fortune of going on leave early july had me miss the hottest month of the year. Not going to happen this time. Worse, I found out from Lisa my last time in that she is going to Lewis, and worse still deploying in september. Any vauge hope i might have had to pull a rabbit out of my ass disapeared when she told me that. it is only a matter of time now. I know we will remeain friends, most of my ex's do. but lovers? difficult to say. I wish i knew.

one thing i do, a Spartan tradition. I always eat each meal like it's my last. It feels like it is only a matter of time. "EAT HARTY MEN, FOR TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!!!"

Worm on the hook

Our new COP is great. Great for getting us neck deep in JAM. But that's the point take the fight to the enemy. Still i wish that we didn't have to be ass in the wind like this. But with all the detials, you'd think we'd have a veritable palace to live in. Not so much. Bunkers, Sandbags, shit burning. It never really ends, but thank God for small favors, the A/C is really a life saver. It really wasn't designed for such a large area, and indeed there are what might be called "micro climates" inside the main room. One partition might be 10 degrees cooler than another, and all there is really in differance is a peice of wood.

Of course the Mortar and Sniper attacks came as something of a surprise. Well not really. After getting pelted day after day with rocks, from kids (some as young as 4 years old), it was kind of to be expected. You could almost see their version of Escalation of force. Of course it wasn't nearly as organized as we usually are. And also of course we thought most of their protests were funny, at least in so far as we didn't take them too serously. Try as they might, we were not going to be swayed by simply protests. And of course actually shooting at us. . . that makes us want to stay MORE.

The sad fact is that these fools don't seem to realize that we'd have been gone long ago had they gotten with the program. A peaceful demonstration is a good sign, that's what we want in a way. . . but these idiots can never stop at simply being peaceful in a crowd, and chanting slogans. No for them they get violent, they throw rocks, they try to hurt us in some small way. Really all it does is piss us off. Protests in my view are pointless. They never stay peaceful, and often they are a prelude to greater violence. Even in america, anit-war protests are at times. . . just as warlike as the wars the profess hating. Vile, snyde, and vulgar, often conducted by people who have more incommon with iraqis (including an obvious distaste for soap) than the soldiers they claim to love or want to protect, or something like that.

We shall see where this leads. In time I am sure, we'll either be sucessful (as the loose cannons always are) or my happy ass is going to get shot. Or blown up.