You can call me stupid now.

Last night i made a complete ass of myself. It tends to happen frequently these days. In fact if making an ass of yourself were a sport, I should go to the olympics. So what's happened since my last post. . . well i've not done a damm thing. and of course going to work durring the holiday season is not shall we say motivating.

I think the highlight of the work week so far was going through a deserter's stuff. Most of his clothes were nast as hell and they went into the dumpster. No skin off my back. I really don't like deserters. I don't have any respect for people that run unless there are extreame extenuating circumstances (ie death in the family). i took a LONG shower after that.

So work isn't really all its cut out to be. Big surprise there. But the real surprise is what i did last night. I had know nicole for a long time and really aside from Katie McQueen (the office troll haha) has been my only constant confidant. Really to be fair she's been the voice of reason when i get. . . well like me. I traced back all the times i had been most miserable since I'd joined the army and it was the times we weren't talking. We've had a long history, and I've always hinted at it, but last night i really bore my soul to her.

BUT (isn't there alsways a but) my timing is (of course) terrible. she's got a new boyfriend, and it sonds pretty serous. I think that it was the impidus for last night, but really I know that part of it has been the on going transformation. I've begun to reintigrate. going to bars and acting like a normal 24 year old (i think). I've started to relax a lot, learned to have a good time with people, and most of all stopped pining over lost love.

The thing is she once told me of her dream. a ranch somewhere. I think is was when we tried breifly dating. ever since then it had taken hold of me and become something I fight for. that "some day i'm gonna. . . " dream that you always see but never think you'll live long enough to see. i had mentioned that i wanted to work on that ranch some time, and she said i'd always have room and board there but hinted that she'd be making it soon with someone then told me about her bf and then it hit me and i felt sick. Again i had waited too long. Again i had goofed. Simply put I had missed whatever oppertunity i might have had

So what now ytou ask. Nothing. I can't ask her to scrap a promising relationship for one she already turned down. I dunno i guess i wait. Katie said that i should wait for her to react. i don't know. i get the feeling that i've got as much finesse as an ogre. I just hope that when she finds mr right she'll still be my friend. That and i hope it doesn't hurt too much.

A Blah Christmas

I will say going to topika on the 24th was good. I mean i hadn't been out in god knows how long. Its strange but the doctor i saw, well let's just say i wish i'd seen him three months ago. I won't name any names because i'm sure my original GI doc wouldn't like it, but lets face it i got less face time than than the dude in a porno. Brittany, Searle's wife, took me, and to repay her we went to the mall. I didn't think it would end up being an all day event but it did, and I'm not sorry it was.

To tell thr truth simply going to a (decent) mall and seeing the throng of humanity was great for me. It was nice to see that yes, in fact people still exist OUTSIDE the army, and yes, said people do have lives. I got to hear all manner of issues from the feminine view point, which is interesting. I think the whole shoe/purse issue is quit frankly halarious. The important part is that a friend and i had a good time browsing the mall. the sad part is this was the highlight of my month.

But christmas day. . . Blah is all i could say to it. it started off with the need to NOT get out of bed. The highlight was going to Anja's house for turkey, but then after that the million odd kids going crazy trying to get my attention really put a damper on the whole thing. To be hones it was enough to make a guy want to get the big V.

I pretty much spent the day texting and calling everyone to wish them a merry christmas but i really didn't feel the christmas cheer. Say what you will but this year just didn't feel like christmas. I wanted to go home, but of course that was too much for rear D made my life miserable and i finally just gave up. I want to go home. . . sort of. Well truth be told i don't know if i do or not. I do need to reconnect with the people that are important to me, but i'm not ready to do that.

I can only imagine what great introspection will occur in the comming days but i bet it will be interesting.

Peace at last

I've finally made peace with the things i've felt about lisa. My anger is gone. I realize now (by making a few mistakes of my own) that she was human and she needed some companionship. It took making a mistake, a type I'd never once even considdered before to realize just how human she is. In that moment i understood, and though it does not erase the sence that it was wrong, i felt so much sympathy for her. I can only imagine what she felt. fear self loathing.

How strange it is that it takes the advent of christmas and a LONG talk with a preist for me to get it. Joe (aka blade runner) was right you have to chose the path of forgiveness. It's slow going, but I have finally forgiven her. I've made peace with what happened. It is hard to think about still, but it is getting easier. I guess it simply wasn't ment to be.

Joe had told me a lot of things. things i needed a friend to say. In the end i morned for this relationship like i did for a lost soldier. I went through each stage of greif eventually stopping on anger. Perhaps it is kind of like a death. it certainly felt like one. Here's what i have to say. You have to learn to live with who and what you are. You have to tell people what and how you feel. If you hold your tounge you will lose

Betrayal is such a subtle thing

Some examples of betrayal are dramatic. Many people agree what Lisa did is "fucked up" and probably the extreme, but the Army's betrayal of its soldiers is often far more subtle. Two months I've wasted, waiting, hoping that i will go back to Iraq. All the while on lock down. Now I found out I will not go back. My frustration and anger came boiling out and when it was over, and my room was a mess, there it was. The raw hurt. Everyone and everything I had belived in, or fought for has betrayed me.

Lisa has shattered my faith in people. I look aroung and all i see are people looking for the next latest and greatest screw. Everybody is going around looking to fuck eachother over. Nothing is sacred and it's like a bunch of monkeys swinging from vine to vine. I realized suddenly when i was at the mall the other day, I'm disgusted by the people i tried to protect. Nothing seems sacred anymore. When someone gives their word, it doesn't mean anything anymore. Worse, everytime i try to move on, every time i think she's in the past. Lisa is there. not physically but in my mind. Random things will remind me of her, and some things, will bring images of her mid coitis and having forgotten me completly. I have come to despise women, pretty much all women. even casual conversations are colored with my disgust. My anger is such that i would wish a sort of reveng upon her. I wish she'd see my face everytime she has sex, i wish she'd hear my voice, when she feels down. I wish i would haunt her as much as she haunts me. But that will never happen. I hate her for being happy. It has come to the point i wish I'd never known her so i could be spared this pain. How sad is that?

The army's betrayal is one that is sadly an old story. "Fight our wars" they say, onward, you push and push until you are of no more use to them. If you fall into a catigory of not useful but not so horribly scared (physical or psychological) that you would notice. It's easy to forget people that are simply hurt. 2/16 for all it's faults has some good people. Although my feelings towards the BN chain of command are clear, the company level, and especially platoon level, there are some GOOD people. So you can imagine how much it hurts to be, well forgotten.

I have 5 fromations a day (oh don't dare miss one of these!) and what is the great work that needs to be done. . . ? NOT A GOD DAMM THING!!! It's simply a place to put a soldier so you don't have to worry. I've been jacked around delayed and treated like shit. The medical system has failed me. in two months i've had a grand total of six meetings with anyone working my case. Total amount of actual face time perhaps 3 hours at most. I WANT to go back. I didn't want to leave! I can't believe that I ended up here. It's like from the CSH to here people were just like "well i don't know what to do, send him down the chain". It's so maddening

So last night, while taking a shower a stray thought went through my head, "if I were to disapear tommorow, no one would notice." i felt cold and VERY affraid that I'd even think that. Has it really come to this. I can't tell what people feel about me, and suddenly with Lisa's betrayal everyone seems so two faced. I didn't want to feel this way. I wanted to believe in her, I wanted to believe that nice guys don't finish last, but somehow staring down this feeling of abandonment, i realize just how cold and cruel the world can be, and it breaks my heart.

One vet that wishes he weren't

Alright ladies and gents, here's the skinny. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A VETRAN!!! All that i've gotten for my troubles is an empty room in the barraks, an empty life, and a lot of memories I DON'T WANT! I stayed away from the parades, because simply put if another person thanks me for my service I'll scream. Truth is folks, it's NOT FUN. War isn't cool, and playing soldier isn't a way to honor me. Here's a thought, instead of acting like jackasses, TAKE SOME DAMM RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS. The sickening part of returning home is seeing every part of the culture trying to absolve itself the consequences of their mistakes.

Honor is not dead, nor is chivalry, but at times I feel I'm holding a banner in the middle of a storm of chaos. Is it really so hard to do the right thing? Don't lie, and don't make excuses for your actions. You did something you knew was wrong, you might as well live up to it. If you can still look at yourself in the mirrior good for you. It is just sad, I think, that this nation is so quick to run from mistakes (the current war in Iraq is a perfect example) that they forget important lessons. I can not fathom it all.

What did I do for this 4 day. Well I went down to the Emporia area to see a lady. Although it could not be considdered a dats, I think we hit it off, the bad part. . . flashbacks. They've been comming more and more frequently. Hearing Drew scream as I shoved the Kirlex in, seeing SSG Beaumont's dazed look, Price. Even the moments that weren't traumatic. The first time I let myself cry after Craig made it to the loyalty aid station. and. . . Lisa. I won't lie, part of this rant is infact directed at her, but it also is directed at society at large. There I was holding another woman in my arms and for a moment my mind convinced me it was Lisa. I'd thought I'd rid myself of this but apparently my subconcious delights in tormenting my concious mind.

On the way back yesterday, I was listinening to audio version of Harry Potter, and screaming at no one in particular. Shit I hadn't said since I got back. It's like the slow spiral into madness. My obsession with Lisa is sad and unhealthy, but every time I try to break away she says something that makes me feel ashamed for trying to. What the Hell.

I guess I DO still have a gag reflex.

Endoscopy. Baisically shoving a camera down a person's throat to see what they can see. Now I was told in the CSH that they'd probably do this in Germany. That was a whole MONTH ago!!! Not that I'm at all bitter about the treatment I recieved at the hands of the army. Or the past MONTH, of nearly unmitigated HELL!

So first they won't let me start until i call my unit. So i call someone and let them know what's up, then they put the IV in. Now i only vaugly remember the surgery I had at Scrips Childrens hospital, but I do remeber they numbed me up before sinking the IV. So to, did they do that here. I din't feel a thing, and when i saw the blue cathiter I laughed. "Sink a 14" I said "22 isn't manly enough" the nurses all had a laugh. They weeel me down, don't ask me why. Then I warn them I come up heaving, so on goes that most joyous of drugs phenagrin. Ahhhhh. then of course while I'm cracking jokes the vancamiacin goes. Next thing I know I'm waking up somewhere else. Ahhh vanc.

After that an MRI, which I find out later is all clear. I have no idea what all this means because right now the Vanc still has me all messed up, and it hurts to swallow. But good news is, (hopefully) I'll be heading back to war, and maybe just maybe i'll be able to put the whole month of october behind me.

Happy (?) Birthday.

Another year older. 24. It kind of scares me to think I'm almost half way through my 20's and I really have nothing to show for it. Most of Americans have gone to college or at least started it by this point. Some are well off, most are not. BUt in my case, I've got almost 20 moths in a combat zone, 13 months in an ER, and a load of memories I DON'T WANT!!!

Dad had come out to be with me. we decided, after a while, and a lot of indescision on my part, to go to Colorado if nothing more than to see the moutains. We drove most fo friday night, and stopped at a hotel on the 3rd. My birthday. If I'd been in Baghdad, I'd have gotten a pink belly and maybe a few calls to family, but it'd have been just another day. This birthday followed without a doubt the WORST month of my life.

On the way to USAFA (the Air Force Academy for you unmilitary folk) Lisa calls and asks for help. She got a No Pay Due, and was without money when she was getting groceries. She said that she knew it was kind of messed up because she'd been a "bitch" to me (her words not mine) I Told her I'd see what i could do. Now at this point a whole can of worms spilt out. For some strange reason I was filled with a sense of urgency, but I also started really having floashbacks.

Enter one Colorado State trooper. Apparently I'd been going 92 in a 75 MPH zone. I don't know how fast I was going really, but I do know that there are some things that happen when your focus is elsewhere like combat, and this wasn't the first time I've gotten a ticket, because my mind was "over there". My dad was furrious at the trooper. I personally think he went a bit far questioning his patriotism, and he was to the point of tears, trying to sway this trooper. Of course that made the guy act even more like a hard ass.

After that we (finally) got to the USAFA stadium. Well it was near half time and it was sold out. I wasn't in the mood for this so i kindo of paced while my dad tried asking everyone under the sun for tickets. While doing this i Happened to glance sidelong at some AF cheeerleaders. What a terrible thought that I might actually take orders from them. After much haggling we got in, and after much waiting Helen (my God father's second daughter) showed up. It was strange seeing her again, all grown up and (somewhat) mature. It reminded me of some of the things she had done in childhood, and I knew she'd grow into the person she is eventually. It was good to see I can still be right about SOME things.

After the game, well, I went to the local BX. After some trouble with the Western Union I spent $265 to send $200 to Lisa. The second time I've helped her out this way. Strangly doing something good (helping her) made me feel WORSE not better. I won't say what was said between us after I sent this, it was obvious that she was thankful but i have a feeling that it's back to "giving her time". I want to believe she didn't use me, but the more i try to defend her, the more feble my arguments become. There is a terrible truth I do not want to face, that despite the goodness I've seen in her, she's givin in to a side of her that. . . well a side that will lead her to much grief.

It's strange. There is a numb feeling in my heart. Like I've just been drifting. I can't tell you what I'm going to do. I'm not going to do "something stupid" but by the same token, I'm far from "ok". If there were one year I wish I could "do over" it'd be this one. On my last birthday in a drunken depression Lisa, trying to cheer me up sent me a pin up pose picture. It was funny to wake up to it. A month from now. . . would have been a first "aniversery" People keep telling me I'm better off without her, but memories of her keep surfacing, much the same as my nightmares don't go away. Dammit all.

One final thing. If not for my friends, I honestly don't know how I'd keep from sinking into a catatonic state. All the issues I didn't have time to deal with durring my deployment, have come crashing back, far worse this time than last. If it weren't for Katie, and Anja, and a few other notable mentions, I'd be toast right about now. I'm another year older, and yet at times, i feel like I'm 44 not 24.

Slow Recovery

It's not easy moving on. If it weren't for the constant Txting of my friends I'm not sure how well I'd do. Strange as it may seem, this event which should seem consequential compared to all the suffering and death I've witnessed should have been just another thing to add to my list of disapointments. I will not speak ill of Lisa, nor do I allow my friends to. It seems odd. Most in my situation would curse her, and call her all sorts of names. I don't think I could be mad at her if I tried, Just hurt. Even though she has a perfect rationalle from her point of view, it still feels like a betrayal. I suppose i can not fault her. Someone is there and offering her love, where as I have so much doubt and uncertanty it's hard to love me even in the best of times let alone when you're filled with doubt and uncertanty yourself.





The raw pain is slowly abating. It's hard to think that I'll be able to feel good again, but for a few moments today I forgot my hurt. It's funny, if I didn't have my cell some of this wouldn't have happened, and yet, if it weren't for my cell, than I'd have simply sunk into an unconsolable depression. I was very near simply checking myself into the hospital. I had never in my life serously considered suicide. I had always said that it was only cowards that took that rout, but the pain became so great I could barely do anything.





Halloween was painful because images of her in the halloween costume she describbed, and knowing I not only wouldn't see it but that after whatever party she went to. . . well it sux to have an active imagination. I simply couldn't bare to get dressed up and go out because thinking about Halloween just made me think of her. Even seeing little kids running around trick-or-treating didn't improve my mood, and I love kids.





Katie, is a good person, and I really do appriciate that she holds her tounge more than she normally would. Her scathing comment about Lisa while often delivered with far more spite than I could

Lost Love (a manefesto)

I'm Tired as hell and havn't been sleeping well so if this seems disjointed bare with me


There are always cause and effect. There is always a reason for why things happen. I have spent time wondering how the hell I came to this point. How did my relationship with lisa seem to end up on such a lousy note. God knows i pour my heart into everything I do, and my feirce love for her never abated, if anything it just got stronger. So how did we end up here? I took time to identify what happened and this is what I learned. Though neither would admit it at the time we were BOTH at fault.


To be sure i may have marginalized my share of the blame on this blog. A point which enfuriated Lisa more than I had acounted for. When i thought I was acounting my side of events I tried to be unbiased, but sadly that is nearly impossible. That wasn't the beginning. The beginning actually happened AFTER Lisa left baisic. She went for letters all the time, to no hand written letters and only scarse few e-mails. This was confusing to me. I didn't understand. Ultimatly Lisa had lots to learn and a life again (or something resembling it) but unbeknownst to me, everytime I called kept her going.


Ultimatly, asking others for an explination for things i did not understand, I got advise from men (and women) who had reason to be jadded in their expeirenceses with the oppisite sex, and finally talking to mom and her "she doesn't know what she wants yet" speach, while it seemed like wisdom at the time and seemed so true (it is in a way) Led me to make a SECOND major mistake. The first was not telling Lisa how important her letters were to me and asking her to continue. I did the "just friends" line.


Time passed and i realized my error and i tried to hint (but did not tell) I wanted her back. Even though conversations with her seemed strained again i can not fault her, because she had "a life" to live. It's hard to drop everything for someone that, even though very dear to your heart, is far away. Ultimatly there are no easy ways to sum up the comunications problem. Part of it lies in the fact that there were days, I'd stay up till 0200 or 0300 in the morning with a mission maybe shortly there after, just to hear her be somewhat distracted as she talked to me. It hurt. But i didn't say anything and I should have. What's worse, it hurt that she'd only say "i miss you" occasionally, and i guess she was really trying to tell me I love you.


There was also emotional problems. I will not even guess what type Lisa has, but it is clear she had a hard life and was never valued as a person. I wish only that i could find some way to show her i never stopped seeing her worth, or hoping that I could be there for her. There is such goodness and tenderness in her. That the world has not noticed it is a tragity. But my emotional problems are the focus here. Depression is the first and easiest to spot. Though I often Play it off, I have bouts of deep depression. Guilt, Fear, Doubt, and the emotional scars, not only of my service in Iraq, but from my life before. My social awkwardness, borne from a childhood spent on the "outside" looking in. I've always felt alone. For a few brief moments Lisa gave me hope, and made me remeber what life is. Sadly it is far too easy to get lost in your own pain, as I did, and ignore just how much others care. If anything the response to my post "taking a break" on myspace, makes it clear that I am loved. I just couldn't see how much.


Finally The foolish feeling that Lisa didn't want to see me leading to an entry on this same blog that made it seem that no woman wanted to see me. I was a fool to think that because she didn't post didn't mean she didn't read. I unknowlingly drove her to the arms of another man. It wasn't till I got home I realized the gravity of my errors. But sadly again lost in my own pain I ignored hers. And again drove her to the arms of another man. Now that all my cleverness has been shown to be foolish pride, and i realize just how monumental of an ass I've been to her, I simply gave into despair. Even when I thought that I was better off, I realized I wasn't. Since my last conversation with her I've felt numb one moment, then full of something close to panic (I have to fix this!!!) followed by utter despair (It's too late, she's already gone.). When I tried to call her, i was one click away from going AWOL, and trying to fix this in person, which would have been the worst mistake I could have made I think, for more than one reason, but her new boyfriend answered, the rest is history.

Perhaps the worst part was last night. Every time I closed my eyes I say Craig. Broken Jaw, sputtering blood all over the back of the driver's seat in 2-3. But it was different, He'd open his eyes, and ask "what have you done to deserve a second chance". Then I'd see the awful fire that engulfed 2-2. I'd hear the rounds cooking off, I'd see Hasi running up to extinguish the fire, but he stopped and asked "aren't you gonna try Doc?" and Instead of LT saying "Harrelson's KIA" he said "you've got to get in there Doc" "I can't it's too Hot" a round wizzes by my head. "He's got someone he won't blow it with." he shouts "But I can't get close!" i screamed in pain. the fire burns my hand as I try to reach in. Spanky is still screaming in inhuman pain. then his black and chared face looks at me, his eyeballs starting to melt "I would have had a good future doc" he said it ever so calmly as the flesh pealed away from his bones. And then there was Lisa, she was in Drew's place, a bad wound to the leg, and I'm trying to save her shoving Kirlex in, she keeps screaming for me to stop hurting her, but i have to do it I say, I realize then that i'm not packing gauze at all but stabbing her. It was a long night to say the least.

It's taken a lot of friends telling me to be patient to finally calm me down. Some of these friends I had lashed out at, and been forgiven by. This is the true test of friendship, and despite the fact that at the time I felt completly alone, I was not, by any stretch of the imagination. I am amazed at how forgiving people have been. I may not have realized it at the time, drunk in mustangs, but there are a lot of GOOD people around me, and in the world in genral. I do not know where this leads me but it's good to know.

At first I simply didn't know how to cope, so i did what always made me feel good. I hit the gym, and i Hit it Hard. I'd sprint on the treadmil for as long as i could stand, then imediatly went into a strenious workout. I'd focus on a muscle group and lift till i could barely lift my arms let alone the weights, then i'd switch up and lift some more, and just for shits and giggles I'd do abs afterwards. But this was not a good solution as my pancreatic "attacks" returned, with a vengance. Over Four days I hit every major muscle group, and all four days I ended up on my floor withing in pain. Not a good solution but at least i had a physical focus for my pain. Even if the docs told me it could kill me.

Finally my thick skull absorbed something. She made her choice. In the end it took three of my closest friends, and one of my battle buddy's fiancee/ex-wife (LONG story and not mine to tell) to make me see this.

Katie, who left a scathing comment about Lisa and really pissed her off, even though she does not know Lisa doesn't like her for a veriety of reasons. It was a personal dislike I think. Part of the reason Katie disliked Lisa so much was the affect Lisa had on me. The confusion doubt and uncertainty, in a place where such things can kill you. Katie also disliked her for what she called "waffling" but I honestly am not sure what that means. True this makes Lisa seem like a horrible person which is not correct in any strech of the imagination. She's a lonely person, and sometimes lonely people are so desperate for love they'll take it from wherever they can get it.

Nicole, who I had lashed out at in a drunken rage (and subsequently been forgiven by) took a similar view of Lisa, again not because of any of the things she had or hadn't done, but because of the affect on me. She took a more religious approach. She told me that if it WAS right that I'd be with Lisa then (eventually) it would happen. She told me i had to listen to what my heart told me, which actually might be a bad thing because at the time i was thinking about going AWOL or certan more extreme options. (i think deploying WITH her or extending to stay on the same FOB as her is a BAD idea, but i can't help but feel if she goes before I make amends then it really and truly WILL be over) Over the years she's always given me sound advise, if it has been a little bizzare at times.

Anja, the Ex-wife/fiancee of Sgt Johnson helped me out a lot this morning. when i was still serously contemplating going AWOL to see her and do. . . something. She told me that I couldn't just sit in my room txting her all the time (woops). But I have to give it a few days (um maybe more?) and she MIGHT talk to ME. She told me I needed to take a break from myself, because all that is going through my mind would drive me nuts (i think she's VERY right) That friends would help me out by keeping me busy, so I wasn't just sitting around. She knows about *complicated* relationships and she didn't imediatly question my rationalle only advised that I temper it. She told me that If I really thought Lisa was worth it, I'd find a way. Anja gave me hope that it's not all over, and eventually I may get another chance. Anja offered to call but i think having a laundry list of people i know calling her would be a BAD idea. still I really do apriciate the thought.

It was the last one, Andrea, (ironically one I'd hurt almost exactly one year before lisa and I started dating) who had gone through a whole range of emotions, before finally simply being a friend, that said it best. We BOTH made mistakes. Browbeating myself about it isn't going to do anything, and even though I was willing to lay it all on the line, it simply wasn't in the cards. And although I really did ephasise my foul ups, not even knowing Lisa, or the situation Andrea said simply that it's hard to be a military Girlfriend, and sometimes you have to accept that. In closing she said that Lisa was faced with a choice and took the easier of the two. She asked me if faced with thad descision again what would she chose. I know it's hurt Lisa, but the truth is I simply don't know.

I do not know the whole situation with "shane" nor do I want to. I know simply that the desperation to get her back is slowly being replaced with a sadness, a deep sadness at the inevitablitiy of things. That my conversation with her about the little spring at the top of the pistol grip may well be the last i have with her. I don't know if I'm ok with that. But I really don't have much choice in the matter.

Gertrude, often seen as a semi-antagonist to Hamlet (she was his mother) did give him one truly sound peice of advise "Hamlet, this above all things else, to thine own self be true." I have not been true to myself. I swore as a matter of Honor (you may break all my bones and strip my Dignity away but when I surrender my Honor I am truly Lost) that I would NEVER even THINK about dating a married woman. I made an exception for Lisa because it was a "contract" marriage, and had little meaning to the man (seeing as he is gay). I made so many exceptions for her. My "rules" my ethical code, is something I cherish because it keeps me from giving in to my darker elements. It keeps me in the right. I say this not as a testament to how far I've fallen, but as a testament to just how much I love her. Even after he tried to kill me I put the life of an Iraqi man above my own because eventhough I would have LOVED to see him die, he became my patient, and I was going to do my dammedest to save him.

Many a good, and I suppose more importantly interested women have I turned down on the sole basis that they were dating someone, or worse married to someone. Even if i had the key, the one idea that win Lisa's heart, I can not do it now. To try to break up another's relationship because "I was here first" or "she's mine" or even simply because I love her, would be wrong, no matter how much I care. No matter if I can no longer even look at her picture without a deep gnawing sadness and longing, I WILL NOT DO IT!!! It is who I am to always at least attempt to take the hard right, over the easy wrong. Some may see it as stiff and rigid, but it is simply who I am. I must hold my tounge. And should she ask for help repairing her relationship with him, I am obligated to help. Chivalry is not dead.

This morning I spoke aloud. As often happens one does not know where these words originate from, but I said "I will spend the rest of my life with her or I will spend the rest of my life waiting for her." It is not an oath as such, so I am not bound to it, but for now, I will follow that, until such time as I am forced to either swear it or disavow it.

You Win some, but Lose More

I have literally lost just about everything I cared about. The sad fact is that whatever the hopes I might have had i had long ago lost lisa and it wasn't until last night that it became truly clear to me. When her new boyfriend answered the phone my last, tenious hope was ripped away in one of the most horrible fashions imaginable. The hurt was so intense I couldn't think, or see or really do anything. I don't know how i called for a cab or even what was talked about on the drive.

And thus I ended up at Mustangs a partially nude strip bar. Ironically it's where i go when i WANT to be depressed. if there's anything more depressing than watching semi (and sometimes not so) attractive females dry humping a bunch of horny soldiers or desperate middle aged men, I sure as hell don't know what it is. It's actually kind of sickening. the feigned interest and the lack of any real meaning to any of it. Strange that I should despise so much a place I frequent. I started off with 4 shots of Jack. One for every soldier I've lost. It's something of a tradition, when I drink. I'd say "to. . . " raise it high and down it. after that the night became a blur. I kept drinking, and at one point durring the night got into a heated conversation with lisa. It was somehow clear to me in my inebreiated state that there was something akin to disgust with me.

I trashed Nicole, and Marissa, who both for the most part want to help. Nicole for finding it so easy to leave me, and marrisa just because her "hang in there" attatude got annoyning. I trashed my mom for all the bad advise she had given that slowly poisoned my dealings with lisa, and in the end I silently raged at the world. Finially when it was clear to me just how over it all was i went out back behind the club and let out what could only be descrived as a howl of rage. For the first time since Harrelson's memorial, I cried. I had thought, tears would never again flow from these eyes but I guess I was wrong.

I staggered into "the Q" a sports bar right next to mustangs and continued to drink until closing time. I know this might sound odd, but it was a good think i was as drunk as i was. If i had been a little clearer i am certain (now) that i would not be here writting this entry. I saw no worth to my life, and saw nothing worth saving. I saw a man that inspired others to betray and leave when they were needed. Picture if you will a rock climber giving out rope to others, so that they could scale some moutain. When finally the rope was needed for himself there was none left. Litterally at the end of my rope.

But there was an intervention of sorts. A soldier from 1/16 gave me a ride back to the B's. And there we talked about a few things (couldn't tell you what because i was so drunk) but it was a good thing. The kindness of strangers can save a life. I crawled to my room, which by this point was spinning. I simply stripped and started taking a hot shower, but i passed out.


When I came to it was to puking and a lot of hot water beating down on me, but something was different. The pain was gone. All the pain and anger and fear that had been so apart of my relationship with Lisa was gone! No longer would the love i felt for her torment me. Hell even that was gone. All I feel now towards her is the saddness, and pity, that comes from inevitibility. I know now what she will miss and what she will go through. It amkes me kind of feel sorry for her. But I am free. And as I sat there vomiting up all the bile in my soul as well as my body, one word went through my head. . . Destiny I can no longer shy away from what I was born to do. I can see it so clearly now. I know what steps I must take to start. There is nothing to fear now from my call to greatness.

Be that as it may i can not simply march off and declair "I am great" if it weren't for the army, I'd go into imposed solitude in nature. Go out and comune as it were. Unfortunitly I can not do this. In one night i have severed all my contacts to what I was, and I need time to decipher what I AM. I can not rise to the occasion if I do not know what I have become. It truly is a shame, that i can not simply walk out into the hills and disapear for a time. I will do the next best thing. I will disapear from the net. I am not going to post another entry until i have found answers. Nor will I use myspace, facebook, or really ANY form of e-mail. Even my phone will remain largely turned off.

Until then. Goodbye. Good Luck. Farewell, and Amen.