The Grey Mist of Kansas

Oh how much I did NOT miss Kansas. The day i get back is one grey mass. I am not looking foward to being here. Unfortunatly my dumbass came in shorts and flip flops. Well it's really all i had. Dad did the laundry into the night, and i was watching shows on patrick's x box. I gotta say I've never been able to sleep before a early flight. I didn't sleep too much before big flights. So this time, was no exception.



In retrospect that was a BAD idea. I think probably one of the worst i've had yet, because most of the way back from KCI I was half asleep behind the wheel. Almost like my first time through Baghdad. I think there must have been devine intervention because somehow i stayed on the road, some how I managed to avoid the cops that were out in force, and somehow I avoided an annoying habbit to make impulsive decisions while on the road.



I got back to Riley just after the final formation for the day, went to the room looked at the mess i left behind. I think it was a bad idea to leave things as they were. But in the end it all worked out ok. It took me some time but i finally fixed it to where my room is somewhat neat. Of course there are somethings that don't change.



Riley is still under this grey nasty clouds. It is a truly depressing "homecomming". Of course after i got to cleaning things started to unravel upstairs. I think this place has an affect on me. I think that maybe I am going to have to get the hell out of here somehow.

a soldier says goodbye

My love,

Don't cry for me, i did what i had to,
Remeber all the good times we had,
and smile for me, no matter what you do.

so tuck the kids in bedand kiss them goodnight,
Tell them not to be sad,
and kiss them when they sleep tight.

In closing I love you so much,
and not seeing you before i die hurts so,
but you can feel me on the wind's gentle touch

Soldier

I am so tired of being here,
In this land hof hatred and fear.
I am so weary of this strife,
i just want to live a normal life.
Some men have a home,
but i am left alone.
Bound to this endless fight,
Always stalking in the night.
I wish i could leave,
i wish i had some reprive.
They say your safer now?
how much death can you allow.
I see the horrors of man,in korea iraq and iran.

Will you welcome me back?
stretch out your arms in friendship?
or will you cast me down as those before?
Treat us like some cheap whore?
What insult will your tounge let slip?
killer, murderer, or simple hack?

Do you care what i have done for you?
When i was one of the proud few?
Or will you scron me forever more,
until i am stripped down to the core?
my brothers, we who shed blood,
shall stand together, through the wind, cold and mud,
that you may never know these pains,
even as you curse us in your refrains.

I am a soldier, i will be forever,
i will strive to end all war,
that peace will last forever more,
I will not quit, not now, not ever

Under One roof

Once they lived under one roof.
Once they lived together for truth.

Once long ago one was cast out,
never to be the same allthoughout.

What now is left to them but hate,
the sons of Abraham all so great.

Locked in spinning wheel of retrabution,
fighting eachother unto destatution.

All still under God's roof,
All still seeking God's truth.

how did we come this, we brothers?
Trying to kill all others.

the day will come when we are together again,
won't we alll be so happy then?

But for now we must spill our blood,
and try to stem the suicidal flood.

What happened to our father, that he let this be?
what reasons are ther for this hate?

i can't see.Am i to fall to by brother's hand?
or will together we stand?

Fighting Fear

I wrote this durring my first tour


I feel it every day,
I go outside, and cock my weapon,
I hear the Chk Chk, and the fear comes

My thumb rests on the selector switch,
my finger above the trigger well.
then you know this is real.

It's so easy it's scary,
and every odd thing is suspect,
every rock and peice of trash.

My heart pounds, like a wardrum,
waiting for the blast,
waiting for the crack of gunfire.

Some times the fear is low and you relax a little,
sometimes you are scared stiff,
and sometimes, you brace for death

This is my world now. But i chose this life.
I have no family no wife,
I do it so that those that do are safe.

I watched helpless on 9/11
I never felt so powerless.
i never want to feel that way again

so here i am taking the fight to them
And here i am, here i stay
till the job is done, or i am dead

I will do what i have to so you can breathe easy,
I will be here till you are safe.
so sleep well tonight, for i am out there.

Rabbits and eggs. . . still not getting it.

Easter. It's a time of celebration. Strangely enough, you'd think Easter would be celebrated with all the pomp and revelry as christmas (which some people spend almost TWO months to prepair for) seeing as it is pretty much the prime tennant on which the whole christain faith is founded. But no. . . not so much. That's so strange. But aside from some church goers and a few who drag themselves to "the Passion of the Christ" Easter is all about hunting eggs and a rabbit that either lays them, or hides them, or something. I'm not real clear on that.



It's also one of the few times of year where families will get together for the big gatherings. Really family oriented. There'll always be the "big table" and the "small table". For Adults and children respectivly. Great is the day when a boy or girl "graduates" to the big table. Of course it'll be many years before they can contribute to the conversations.



But all this aside Easter this year came in march not in april, for some reason i'm not altogether clear on. Be that as it may, I didn't start off the day in Fallbrook with family. I actually started off in Seatle. After an EARLY flight out of SEATAC, and a flight through Oakland, and then on to Onterio. Dad picked me up from there but I was worn out from the night before. Anyway as soon as I got in, i slept a few minuets. Then it was off to see friends of the family. It's kinda funny having four imature males and two males that only gave lipservice to maturity, the dinner conversation was. . . well not the type you have at dinner.



It was good food, but thankfully no easter egg hunts. I've gotten old enough that those things are tiresome. Well the good news is that I at least had a LOT of good food, and a somewhat good time. Now off to bed I'm tired, and mom is insistant that we "do something" which has me a little forboding

Home may not always be home.

Home. For so long it's been an overiding thougt. Maybe it'd all get better when i get home, maybe I'll feel better. Maybe. Maybe. I had such high hopes that simply comming home would ease the pain, and the slow decay of my mental state. WTB is the break i had so long desired, but sadly, it only made the problems worse, giving me if anything MORE time to think about how fucked up my life has become.



So i took out 20 days of leave, to go home, have fun and genrally just get the hell away from kansas. I left my mustang at KCI, and took a comuter jet to Onterio. When dad picked me up in a ratty old '84 Ford F-350, I knew it would get interesting. The drive back to Fallbrook was familiar, and we talked about nothing in particular.



At first i suppose i din't really notice much else. the house was gutted but i was expecting that. the "remodeling" effort had started almost as soon as we moved in and more than once I had suggested that they simply level the damm thing, and start over. Of course that would have led to increased taxes, so they decided to try to refit it one part at a time. Only problem was when they started taring into the walls they started to see the place was a mess. Wiring was wrong, well shit everywhere was wrong.



But i started the Leave norm, and simply shut my mind off. I played Patrick's Xbox 360, and simply tried not to think of a fucking thing. There are times it works, there are times it doesn't. at first i didn't really notice anything, until i noticed that mom was talking about the house almost in the third person. I began to notice that mom wasn't staying the night. It kind of set off warning bells in my head, and what i found could almost be described as a "civil seperation". It was all done with an air of civility but it was clear that things are headed in a direction of divorse.

I'm not sure how i feel about it. People keep wanting to know how i feel about shit, and the sad truth is I DON'T KNOW! Intelectually I know that if they do get a divorce that it's been a long time comming, but I also know that neither of my parents is in a position or point in their lives where it would be practical or even feasable. Both appear to have pre diabetes symptoms, and both have the most pecular way of doing anything BUT face their problems. I don't know what to think about it.

Dad has run himself into the ground trying to keep up with his failing company, the house, and now a new buisness venture that has a gennisis in my deployments. I won't get into the buisness side of the house, becuase let's face it ANYONE could read this, but the truth is he's taken the 50's mentality of family first above all esle, to an extreme, that even I can't imagine. He has litterally made himself miserable running himself into the ground trying to support mom, Patrick and myself. Add to that he also has to play the part of the "dutiful son" and take care of my grandparents whose age has really started to affect them, you have a recipe for disaster.

Mom. I love my mom, but lets face it she has a way of adding stress to any situation. Her almost blue blood socialite ways can be annoying at times, and how she'll agree with a speaker then try to steer the conversation her way. The real irony is that for far different reasons, mom has (sort of) done the same thing dad did. She's gone super cathloc, in an extreme that has even me shocked. She has become almost a rabid rotary, and God alone knows what other social programs she's gotten into. She almos seems to be buying brownie points for the here after. It is as if she is running from some sin real or imagined, and trying to scrub her soul clean. Other than that she craves the sense of belonging in an almost compulsive way. But she too will ignore inportant things right in front of her. namely Money. She has an MBA, so the knowledge is there, but God alone knows why she's making mistakes you'd expect out of a spoiled freshman. Maxing out credit cards, not gettting serious jobs, things of that nature. She's out to save the family's soul (yours truly especially) at the cost of everything in the here and now.

In truth, both Patrick and I are old, and mature enough that i found dad's "it's not your fault, we both love you, don't get in the middle speach" patronizing at best. As if, for some strange reason I hadn't seen rock solid mariges spiral into the nastiest divorces. As if the barraks life would make soap stars blush. I've seen it all, and I know that if there is one marriage that i don't want to end, but concide probably should, it is this one.

How do i feel about it? I don't know. How can i convince anyone that i'm worthy of more than a fuck buddy if this is what I have to look foward to. I keep believing in people and despite the fact that everyone is almost in concert saying I'm a really awsome guy, somehow, they all keep their distance as if i am infectious. Looking at my parents spiral out of control, I can see elements of my own personality in the way they both act, and it scares me, because weather they realize it or not, they are both on the path to self destruction, and i have a nasty feeling I will follow in their footsteps all too easily.

The slow road to sanity

I (finally) got sent to ADATC (Alcohol and Drug Abuse Training/Counciling) and it was informative, in a way. Most of the actual information i'd already knew, both first hand and from the books, and OJT. I was angry i got sent there, and tried to keep participation to a min, but you can't sit somewhere from 0900-1600 and not get involved a litttle. But at the end of the day, yes, some of the words rang true, but not for the reasons you might think

I am NOT by any stretch of the imagination an alcoholic. I do NOT abuse or even USE drugs, BUT, there is something that they said that made sence. I am LIKE and alcoholic in how the War has affected me. The opperative analogy is imagining jugling baloons, now throw in this big black beach ball that has in gold letters "War" on it. It is the one that you absolutly CAN NOT drop. In the end you start droping other balloons and letting them pop to keep this bastard aloft. "Future", "Family", "Love". I've let go of them all and now all there is left it seems is this terrible bastard of a ball.

I can already feel it. I met up with (Joe) Jacinko, in the bar. We hung, and spoke of times past, and talked about his up comming deployment with 3rd BDE. I felt it then, and it hasn't left me since. the old restlessness. the need to sinch up my pack and get ready for the fight. The inability to let go of the fight. Ready to go sir, let me at em. I realized in the class today that I couldn't let go. That there would be no end. I used to be scared, but now i am resigned to Fate. One quote that applies to me now and forever

"only the dead have seen an end to war."
~Plato

The sad truth

I wish that I could say I feel good. I don't. I Talked to Nicole today, and I'm not sure what to think about it. The conversation drivted, almost lazily towards topics that had probably be best left unsaid. never were the words said but in truth we were both making a case for our respective positions.



Truth is, like i said, since I've known Nicole, in one way or another I've always wanted her. But i think the intensity of my personality scares her. Not just that I am passionate about how i feel, or how quickly I go into grand gestures on a whim, but also how much pain I've experienced. Anyone, that had seen me as she has would be scared i think.The hard part to reconsile was one of the things she said to me. Something i need to get out.



"If you ever needed me I'd do whatever it takes to be there for you." she said



I didn't have the heart then to tell her that I already had once. She was dating her last boyfriend, before she found out about his fatal flaw, and I, in my own way, begged for her to come out, and be with me. I said simply i needed a friend, and there would even be some interesting vistas for her to take pictures of. I offered to pay for everything. She said she couldn't because she couldn't be what i wanted her to be, and left it at that.



But i wasn't bad just yet. I hadn't sunk to my lowest and when i truly began my near fatal plunge, she was comming out to see her NEW boyfriend and now Fiancee. She offered to come out and see me. No thanks I said. At that point the hurt was even worse because she was doing that, if she had come out with her BF, I'm very sure it would have killed me. I had that experience once, i was not, and am not willing to repeat it.



Though she didn't realize it in a way, she betrayed me, just as Lisa before. Though the slight was not intentional, the result was the same. I wish I could say I'm ok with this. After all i (sort of) have a relationship but even that is clearly only temporary. i have a sneaking feeling it will end soon, and once i would have been bitter about that, now, i'm only vaugly sad.



She said she couldn't be what i wanted her to be. Seems she doesn't really know me that well. I suppose that's why it hurts just the same wayt the West Point fiasco hurt. I only asked of one thing. A Fair chance. She never really gave that to me. In the whole week or so that we actually dated, she never looked back and I never stopped. In the end I let her go without a fight and i did again now.



In truth I wouldn't even know how to fight for her anymore. As I have already stated I am not in the habbit of breaking up relationships, even when their very existance tears me apart. For Four and a half years I held my toung, and when finally i spoke it was far too late. I look at her string of boyfriends, who they are and what they do, what they're like and for so long a question built in my mind: Why not me?



I suppose it comes from my almost obsessive reading of Star Wars and it's almost Buddist message, but I think of right and wrong, light and dark, in similar ways as the Jedi/Sith are. Good is selfless, evil is selfish. You can always tell a right, or a semi right action by how it makes you feel. Always when i think of Nicole, there is Peace. No fear, no doubt. Peace. It has always felt right, which is why i suppose all the wrong things hurt so much. In the end I've always know the right path even if i havn't admitted it to myself. I suppose that's also why i do irrationaly selfless things, because that is what good is to me.



Ultimatly it comes down to this simple statement. . . she is the only one i ever truly felt understood me. To anyone that knows me, that is the one thing that i've sought desperatly my whole life. The only one i never needed to fear when i bore my soul. I don't know how long I loved her for, but i know that in the end it doesn't matter and that it won't change anything. Once I felt despair, now i am so numb, I feel only a distant sadness and a grim acceptance of fate.