Thursday, March 13, 2008

Home may not always be home.

Home. For so long it's been an overiding thougt. Maybe it'd all get better when i get home, maybe I'll feel better. Maybe. Maybe. I had such high hopes that simply comming home would ease the pain, and the slow decay of my mental state. WTB is the break i had so long desired, but sadly, it only made the problems worse, giving me if anything MORE time to think about how fucked up my life has become.

So i took out 20 days of leave, to go home, have fun and genrally just get the hell away from kansas. I left my mustang at KCI, and took a comuter jet to Onterio. When dad picked me up in a ratty old '84 Ford F-350, I knew it would get interesting. The drive back to Fallbrook was familiar, and we talked about nothing in particular.

At first i suppose i din't really notice much else. the house was gutted but i was expecting that. the "remodeling" effort had started almost as soon as we moved in and more than once I had suggested that they simply level the damm thing, and start over. Of course that would have led to increased taxes, so they decided to try to refit it one part at a time. Only problem was when they started taring into the walls they started to see the place was a mess. Wiring was wrong, well shit everywhere was wrong.

But i started the Leave norm, and simply shut my mind off. I played Patrick's Xbox 360, and simply tried not to think of a fucking thing. There are times it works, there are times it doesn't. at first i didn't really notice anything, until i noticed that mom was talking about the house almost in the third person. I began to notice that mom wasn't staying the night. It kind of set off warning bells in my head, and what i found could almost be described as a "civil seperation". It was all done with an air of civility but it was clear that things are headed in a direction of divorse.

I'm not sure how i feel about it. People keep wanting to know how i feel about shit, and the sad truth is I DON'T KNOW! Intelectually I know that if they do get a divorce that it's been a long time comming, but I also know that neither of my parents is in a position or point in their lives where it would be practical or even feasable. Both appear to have pre diabetes symptoms, and both have the most pecular way of doing anything BUT face their problems. I don't know what to think about it.

Dad has run himself into the ground trying to keep up with his failing company, the house, and now a new buisness venture that has a gennisis in my deployments. I won't get into the buisness side of the house, becuase let's face it ANYONE could read this, but the truth is he's taken the 50's mentality of family first above all esle, to an extreme, that even I can't imagine. He has litterally made himself miserable running himself into the ground trying to support mom, Patrick and myself. Add to that he also has to play the part of the "dutiful son" and take care of my grandparents whose age has really started to affect them, you have a recipe for disaster.

Mom. I love my mom, but lets face it she has a way of adding stress to any situation. Her almost blue blood socialite ways can be annoying at times, and how she'll agree with a speaker then try to steer the conversation her way. The real irony is that for far different reasons, mom has (sort of) done the same thing dad did. She's gone super cathloc, in an extreme that has even me shocked. She has become almost a rabid rotary, and God alone knows what other social programs she's gotten into. She almos seems to be buying brownie points for the here after. It is as if she is running from some sin real or imagined, and trying to scrub her soul clean. Other than that she craves the sense of belonging in an almost compulsive way. But she too will ignore inportant things right in front of her. namely Money. She has an MBA, so the knowledge is there, but God alone knows why she's making mistakes you'd expect out of a spoiled freshman. Maxing out credit cards, not gettting serious jobs, things of that nature. She's out to save the family's soul (yours truly especially) at the cost of everything in the here and now.

In truth, both Patrick and I are old, and mature enough that i found dad's "it's not your fault, we both love you, don't get in the middle speach" patronizing at best. As if, for some strange reason I hadn't seen rock solid mariges spiral into the nastiest divorces. As if the barraks life would make soap stars blush. I've seen it all, and I know that if there is one marriage that i don't want to end, but concide probably should, it is this one.

How do i feel about it? I don't know. How can i convince anyone that i'm worthy of more than a fuck buddy if this is what I have to look foward to. I keep believing in people and despite the fact that everyone is almost in concert saying I'm a really awsome guy, somehow, they all keep their distance as if i am infectious. Looking at my parents spiral out of control, I can see elements of my own personality in the way they both act, and it scares me, because weather they realize it or not, they are both on the path to self destruction, and i have a nasty feeling I will follow in their footsteps all too easily.

No comments: