Monday, July 7, 2008

Slow Process

There is little that annoys me more than beurocracy the military medical system *can* be the best in the world when it really matters. When it doesn't, it can be the worst in the world. I hate waiting weeks between appointments which really boil down to "Hi I'm here". It is frusterating to no end that I am forced to wait and wait. Meanwhile I feel like a stranger and a spectator in my own life. I don't know what is worse, the waiting or the feeling that I'm stuck in pugatory.

Its almost a tragic irony that my last and next psyche apointments fall on theaniversery of Craig and Harrelsons death. These dates have (of course) special meaning for me, and on those days I don't want to think, I don't even want to acknowlege what day it is. Meanwhile I sit in my room, a prisoner because of my nocturnal sleep cycle, and the feeling that I just don't know anyone. I sit and watch the world, and hope and pray it somehow converges to my veiws, but the more time goes on, and the more time i spin in circles in my own head, the worse my perception of the world gets.

I feel like that crazy feminist that sat in her house for a number of years. Strange as it may seem I am starting to empathize with her, except for the whole feminism thing. It's funny but the more I see people (intentionally or otherwise) brow beating men and especially whites, it makes me ask so what if I'm a white guy? And the longer i perceive it to go on, the more i want to go out there and stretch the boundries. Ok so I'll never stand with the KKK, I actually despise them, but why can't I have an NAWP (National Ascoiation of White People) and why do women get so many freaking gyms catoring just to them, but the ones I go to cator to both sexes. Why can't the YMCA stay soley male? You've got the YWCA. Its the same with shoe stores. You'll see it in a mall. A foot Locker (ot other anagolus shooe store) will have 50-60% female shoes and not evenon the otherside of the mall is a 100% shoe store of the same name. JCPenny is far worse. I feel like some kind of freak when I go there because that store is almost 90% female.

You can see how this purgatory has affected me. Once I get started on an issue, I can't really stop. It is so frusterating, and I've just stopped caring about just about everything. I could practically not even be on Riley and I have a sad suspicion that no one would notice. God forbid I should have an accidental OD or any crap like that, I'd be fucked, and no one would know it till I started to decomposed.

I suppose the feeling of being usless, and the feeling that people just don't care, goes hand in hand. I'm the proverbial 5th wheel in every situation I get into. I don't seem to belong anywhere and its worse the longer I say in the WTB. I wonder, would anyone really notice if I dropped off the grid. Erika might, but i son't think she'd get frantic, unless I ended up in the papers, and even then I'm not so sure. Its a sad comentary when you can count on a single hand the number of people that might actually notice you're missing.

And so as this process slowwly draggs towards its conclusion, and I find that I am less and less entheused about the conclusion the process and the present, it begs the question, How much longer can this last? Its a question I don't have an answer to. A question that I really don't want to find out anymore.

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