Hurry Up and Wait

It is an old saying. "Hurry Up and Wait" the seemingly countrary statement is one that, if you have not been in a military, might not make anny sense. In the civillian world, time is money, and wasted time it not acceptable. In the army, you are always ready to go, and you are always acting like everything has to be done NOW, with the minor exception of certain things (ie details designed to keep you "out of sight out of mind")

Sadly, even in a warzone, where quite often the chaos is pure "move your ass" there is still the same hurry up and wait. It is something that a poor soul like me with ADHD, finds taxing, frusteration, agravating, and always down right annoying. Although i have gotten good at finding something to do with nothing. . . but still, I HATE sitting arouns with my thumb up my ass.

Today was one such day. At one point it looked like a simple drop off detanees, grab chow, head back and do some other bullshit mission. but that was not the case. For some reason we stayed here. We waited, and waited, and perhaps most frusterating of all we had these assholes in our AO!!! I wouldn't have minded staying in Rusty all day, if we'd had a clear understanding of exactly what was going on, if we weren't locked down, and if we DIDN'T HAVE FUCKING MILITA IN OUR AO!!! Like i've said before, once you detain them they go from jonny jihad for life to super bitch in no time.

So finally it came down not rolling out tonight. No problem. Fuck the COP for a night. it'll still be there in the morning, and besides if someone has to do a little extra COP security, FUCK EM. We did a week of that shit WITH NO FUCKING A/C!!!

As one can tell I'm a little frusterated. It might be the fact that i am so far from lisa, or that it's a roller coaster ride (and 90% of it is me mind fucking myself) Or hey the grand parents circiling the drain. In their last few years of life, the decline is. . . rapid. Or maybe it's the fact that i'm doing this shit again when i should be at college. I've reached that "iritation" phase. everything is iritating and annoying, and often little things make me angry. In a few months i'll probably reach indifferent. but for right now. . . i hate this fucking place, the NP's and IA need to get their shit strait, and it's pissing me off to see grown men act like kids playing soldier.

I've had a lot of time to sit and think about things, and the more i think about them, the angrier i get. It is simply not enough to say "fuck this place" and drive on. When i get back i'll have four combat stripes. FOUR. that's two years of my life and if they extend me again i'll have as many as Audy Murphy. I tire of this. and yet, i had to come. I had to be here. In the end i am a Vet of the truest degree. I hate the places i go, yet i miss being there when i'm not there. weird world hugh.

Lovers become friends.

I think it's pretty official. Of whatever the hell "official" is. Lisa and I are just friends. Although I probably should be hurt, i see her smiling face, and i just can't be mad. I love her. She'll always be something special to me, and i may not ever be able to explain why. Ultimatly this relationship didn't have the strong roots it needed to survive two back to back deployments. It is not anyone's fault. It just is.

Does this put me "back on the market"? No. I'm still hoping to pick up with Lisa when the dust settles, but let's face it, i'm 23 and i've been to war twice. She's 21 and she hasn't been in the army that long. I can't blame her. Hell AIT was insane for me. If i'd had a girl back then. . . well she's in a male heavy MOS, so it's probably just like my experience at Ft Sam, only with less people. Of course Ft Sam will always be a special catagory. Medics ar MEDCOM's grunts. that being said, we partied our asses off, and as for medic females. . . fond memories. haha. Is Lisa sleeping around? No. I don't think so. She's pretty busy from what i take it. she'd have to be pretty determined to sleep around.

I will push on. It's all i can do. with the frusteration with my grandparents, it comes at a bad time. Still, Lisa my dear, if you ever read this, I don't hold it against you. I am not angry. When i looked at your picture, all i felt is warmth of love and acceptance that this is as it should be.

War and Peace

It is easily said that any soldier desires peace at the end of the day. a day off, or away, sometimes is all the peace you need. sometimes it's not. for me right now a day off, and eved away from my platoon, do me not the slighest bit of good. It's getting to the point (the point that is reached in all deployments) where the quirks start to get on your nerves. Who knew that the seccond time around would be worse than the first.

I am getting annoyed at my PSG. His constant insistance that i always drop everything ang go to the gym is kind of iritation. worst of all i've stopped losing weight and actually GAINED weight. I'm up from the previous 216 to 222. This is something of a concern for me. Of course i have been lifting a lot more lately, so i guess it balences out.

The war continues, but i truly tire of it. The patrols, COP security, even the dull routine of being back here "relaxing". The only thing that i can say about the refit days that really has me happy is that at least my roomie isn't here. He was REALLY starting to get on my nerves. But if the way things are going is any indication, you can bet, i'll be fruity as a nut cake when i redeploy.

I am truly growing to lothe going out to speak to these people. The lies they tell aren't even that good. Half the time they tell me things that are absolutly beyond the relm of possibility. And of course NOBODY KNOWS A FUCKING THING. If America has as many people in it that had no idea what is going on. . . well i'm pretty sure it'd be like three mile island but worse. I grow tired of kids asking for soccer balls then throwing rocks at us when we don't have any. Perhaps worst of all, I am sick of dealing with ISF (Iraqi Security Forces) I won't say anything on here that might be useful to the Enemy, but my opinion of them is low.

The Peace I long for. . . I wouldn't mind a place in the country. A farm. A place with horses maybe. somewhere near the moutains, somewhere that is cool in the summer, and in the winter there is snow. A place full of green. A place with a loving, or at least understanding wife, and a few munchkins, a lot of munchkins. But will i ever get suck a place? It is doubtful. I also doubt i'd find peace anywhere. A Warrior can leave the war but the war never leaves the warrior.

Comparisons

take a look at the above picture. That wouls be called the "now" I'm pulling security from a bunker (hence the sand bags)


While this one




is when i was finally about to leave Gains Mills. Notice any differance? i would like to think that one is the same as the other but i realize that in a way despite the fact that they are the same person at different time and they share experiences, one is more mature, and better. the other is close to a rough night, and swaeing off drinking (it didn't last).

Some times you wish you could go back. Who would i be if i hadn't joined? Who knows.

happy mothers day

I have witnessed the "miricle" of birth. Honestly, it is awful, horrible and disgusting. Best of all newborns are the single UGLIEST things i've ever laid eyes on. Of course Ive seen mothers (and fathers) break down and cry and say she/he's so beautiful. Ummm no but ok. needless to say at one point I was one of those pruned shrivvled masses, that ugly lump of flesh that is some how in some strange way "cute" My Mother, having endured countless hours of leibor, i havn't asked her about, and really I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. That's almost as bad as dad always hinting at the story of my conception.

Of course for roughly 8 years (minus the incomvient and really dangerous pregnancy with Patrick) i was a single child. She took care of me, and really Most parents would have been flustered with me. Running away from school, taring wallpaper off my bedroom while i was put on time out, and circumventing nearly EVERY parental control they put in place. But with her guidance, and quiet gental direction, what might have seemed like one disaster after another taught me (more or less) how to survive.

So today i say, "Here's you you Mom." For all the crap i gave you, and all the things you had to go out of your way to do, thank you. Of course no mere words can say, what i owe her. And her worring about me while i'm here in sunny beautiful (hahaha) Baghdad, probably arn't helping. But life is what it is. I hope for her sake, she is able to move on, and i hope Patrick knows how lucky he is to have her as a mom.

To all the Mothers out there. Thank you. Some of your sons turn out to be assholes (insurgents) but hey thanks for the hells you went through to have us anyway.

Hotter than Hell

It is often said "man it is hotter than hell" Personally i have no idea how hot hell gets, but Iraq right about sumer time makes me wonder. Asside from the already ingrained heat, it is also wearing body armor that kind of adds to my misery. Of course this is a subject that has been talked about many a time, but when a guy looks like he just got thrown in a pool, and it's not because he was actually in a pool. . . that's about the time you realize it's really really hot.

Summer is when people wheather conciously or unconciously, start to be more active do more things. people huddle up in winter, in summer they move about. Sadly this is also true for insurgents and Militamen alike. Although i feel like i want to die (figurativly) at times, these people actually want to die, as evidanced by the ENDLESS stream of "myrtr" photos held up on street signs and posters. In truth, nobody will remember these assholes in a few months.

While it is somewhat disconcerting to wake up to mortar fire, even close calls, and near misses can't really deter me from finishing this fight. I am simply waiting for a militaman to poke his head out. Let me catch one trying to shoot at me. I 'll give hime all the opertunity to ask why he's in hell.

So misery continues. I silently smile a wan, knowing smile when soldiers complain about it being 95 degrees. Though it seems the heat is going up 5 degrees a day, I know it will be far far worse. Best of all we are busy. Last time, i managed to miss most of july. The fortune of going on leave early july had me miss the hottest month of the year. Not going to happen this time. Worse, I found out from Lisa my last time in that she is going to Lewis, and worse still deploying in september. Any vauge hope i might have had to pull a rabbit out of my ass disapeared when she told me that. it is only a matter of time now. I know we will remeain friends, most of my ex's do. but lovers? difficult to say. I wish i knew.

one thing i do, a Spartan tradition. I always eat each meal like it's my last. It feels like it is only a matter of time. "EAT HARTY MEN, FOR TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!!!"

Worm on the hook

Our new COP is great. Great for getting us neck deep in JAM. But that's the point take the fight to the enemy. Still i wish that we didn't have to be ass in the wind like this. But with all the detials, you'd think we'd have a veritable palace to live in. Not so much. Bunkers, Sandbags, shit burning. It never really ends, but thank God for small favors, the A/C is really a life saver. It really wasn't designed for such a large area, and indeed there are what might be called "micro climates" inside the main room. One partition might be 10 degrees cooler than another, and all there is really in differance is a peice of wood.

Of course the Mortar and Sniper attacks came as something of a surprise. Well not really. After getting pelted day after day with rocks, from kids (some as young as 4 years old), it was kind of to be expected. You could almost see their version of Escalation of force. Of course it wasn't nearly as organized as we usually are. And also of course we thought most of their protests were funny, at least in so far as we didn't take them too serously. Try as they might, we were not going to be swayed by simply protests. And of course actually shooting at us. . . that makes us want to stay MORE.

The sad fact is that these fools don't seem to realize that we'd have been gone long ago had they gotten with the program. A peaceful demonstration is a good sign, that's what we want in a way. . . but these idiots can never stop at simply being peaceful in a crowd, and chanting slogans. No for them they get violent, they throw rocks, they try to hurt us in some small way. Really all it does is piss us off. Protests in my view are pointless. They never stay peaceful, and often they are a prelude to greater violence. Even in america, anit-war protests are at times. . . just as warlike as the wars the profess hating. Vile, snyde, and vulgar, often conducted by people who have more incommon with iraqis (including an obvious distaste for soap) than the soldiers they claim to love or want to protect, or something like that.

We shall see where this leads. In time I am sure, we'll either be sucessful (as the loose cannons always are) or my happy ass is going to get shot. Or blown up.

The Best, the Worst, and the plain stupid

Normally, we, that is to say Americans try not to piss people off. The other day. . . not even close to the case. We crashed a funeral. and of course that went over REAL well. Needless to say while we were questioning people, and while we were finding bad guys, the tent next door which had an Imam or something got pretty riled up. They started screaming everything he said over the loudspeaker. no i am not an arabic expert, but i know when someone is pissed off. and seeing as Am-Reek-A was at the end of a lot of those sentances. . . yea they were'nt too happy. That was BEFORE a sniper tried to wax one of our gunners. It was also before a car tried to blow through (getting the living shit shot out of it in the process, don't worry driver's alive). Of course AFTER that was a nice little riot. What started out as a platoon+ effort became 2 companies, and NPs. STILL, we got our marks. Bad through and through.

As if that weren't enough after a bullshit mission the next day, we get woken up at oh-dark-thirty. Bad guys need nabbing. Rodger. so we roll out. no plan. No maps. No rehersals. We bust in, clear the houses (I will admit the lack of tac light is REALLY starting to become a hinderance as is my aid bag), and then we get word of runners on the roof. What followed was nearly three hours of running form one point to another at a high rate of speed (with 70 pounds of gear for me) Jumping um and down stairs, jumping across rooves, and in one instance nearly breaking my neck. it also got very confused, but despite the "fog of war" we STILL managed to not only get our mark, we got THE mark. Needless to say it was a long night. when we were done I was sweating my ass off. But i realized that night I LOVE THIS SHIT!!!

So now, you'd think we'd be treated like, well i dunno, high speed. but sadly it was not to be. The Uber gay Martha Stewart mode kicked in and we cleaned that COP top to bottom. i felt less like a soldier and more like a Molly Maid. I can not even begin to describe how demeaning it felt to have to scoop shit out of iraqi shitters (no porcalin thrones for these cats. no it is a HOLE IN THE FUCKING GROUND) sweep away dust that had been there since we started working at the COP, and other mindless stupid chores. One minuet you can do no wrong. the Next you are back in Basic training, and the biggest shitbag your DS ever laid eyes on. Sucks

Lastly, the Home Front. Dad is having a birthday tommorow. Having managed to avoid a heart attack with my Bro needing AA meetings for his Xbox addiction, trouble with mom's . . . absent mindeness, another son hell bent on a grunt's life, parents in failing health and a REALLY shitty job, i think this year is definatly one of those he deserves a really nice birthday. I doubt i could have done anything (from here) to make it any better, but hey i'll call tommorow (the 26th) and wish him well. I sent a card, but well who knows when that will get there. Mom's is comming up soon (May 3rd). don't know what's happening then.

And finally Lisa. I finally got a message from her via Myspace. It wasn't so much a "sorry i havn't been in touch i've been so busy, but i really miss you" it was more of "yea, sucks you've got it rough, i'm pretty busy too." So. . . what i think is this. . . she is not cheating per se. but i DO think her heart is no longer in this relationship, i can't blame her, after all she's probably got a wicked school load (91W was like that but i breezed through because it wasn't new to me) and even if she went to sleep every night with my name in her lips, it'll be 8 months before she sees me and for only two weeks, if that, and another six before i am home for good, assuming there are no extentions, and she doesn't get deployed. She's human. it would only be natural to look for something . . . closer. sadly "love and feeling" is the song that seems to apply to us now. *sigh* oh well.

Home Front

Wars ar not won only on the battlefield. It is clear that in WWII the tides began to really turn when the homefronts of the various axis powers came under attack (also when they WAY overextended themselves) Soldiers have always looked longingly bad "home" dreaming up some paradice they left. often the reality of home is not what they left.

What is sad is that in unconventional wars or wars where the home front is in absolutly NO danger, the war and by implication the warriors are often forgotten. sadly this war has prodiced the same result. There is a subtle want to demonize soldiers, or cannonize them. both are subtly ploys to make the war seem untennable. reality is that it is going to be as the president said a long hard struggle.

Soldiers are not heroes, or at least they'd deny it if asked. Heroes are the dead ones they'll say. yet the sacrafices made are real. Because a soldier returns with all limbs intact and no physical scars does not mean they did not sacrafice. even the lowliest POG sacrafices for their country. They sacrafice time. Hope. Dreams. They sacrafice girlfirends and loved ones. so are we heroes. maybe. But every hero has a price to pay. Not all Heroes are brave Ahceles or Might Hector. Many are just Joe, or Sally.

Back home we are seen many ways. out here getting extended is much the same as hearing "zero, zero, zero" on the Pt test after you've done 30 pushups. so what do we need? Stay stron at home. support us. Love us. Care for us. and when we return forgive us.

th price we pay

Soldiers always pay a price. The ultamite price awaits some people. Others pay in other ways. Some with nightmares. some with limbs, some with having lost a year of their lives. Others with wives or girlfirends. I have seen them all. In recent days. . . i have seen them all.

Sadly i think i have lost Lisa. The rumor is she moved on with an old flame. I am not the hero. I am not dashing, and worst of all i am not there. So it is an easy equasion. Does it hurt? yes. Any fool who reads previous coments left by her would know that it ment. . . something. But the truth is i can hardly expect such a small time to mean anything to her. I am in a place where even the most bittersweet memory is like gold.

I can not blame her. and after the hurt faded all i felt was. . . diaspointment. I doubt she'll read this. she has after found solace in the arms of another man. Such is life. Still the hurt does not fade easy. I clung to memories of her so tightly that a form of insanity or obsession overtook me. still when the nightmares came. . . her face was there to soothe my pain. My anguish over the other night, and the loss suffered. . . It isn't fair to depend on someone without a base first.

Perhaps it was doomed. Perhaps i was a fool. Perhaps a million things. I am not going to blame her. I will let her go. It is all i can do from here. So if it is true. . . goodbye. If not. . . who knows. I will keep my mind on the here and now then. Fuck home. I am dead now. I am a shadow. a wraith. if i return from tarterus, than so be it. Hope is for fools. Focus on the now. Fight the enemy. Save the men. that is who i am.