Forgivness is not easy

To this day I have yet to meet another man that has been broken up with during sex.  Having said that, I do not think it is unreasonable for me as a man to be completely and utterly perplexed by this.  How did this happen.  Why?  To this day I'm still puzzling it out.  One second everything is fine the next WHAM! curve ball gets away from the pitcher and now you're seeing stars.

Was this negociable, whas there something I could do differently, when had this descision been made?  Answers I would rightly deserve and have yet to recieve.  It does not help that this is a woman I've know my whole life and was deeply in love with.  Perhaps the last woman I can honestly say I was in love with.  The next day we had breakfast like aquantences.  We might as well have had a meeting about the layout of an office. 

It did not help matters that apparently my mom knew and completely understood why she left me.  Apparently she knew all along that this would happen and was under the assumption that it was mutual.  I'm here to tell you it most certainly was not.  Why did she leave me?  Well according to my mom she really wanted to get married. . . ok . . . and as a (then) 26 year old with two tours to Iraq, I didn't?  Actually I was planning on it.  I didn't have the whole plan fleshed out but yeah I thought that was it.  I'd hit a home run.  Apparently not. 

What efficiencies I might have, I'm not entirely sure.  No one's told me, and as time has gone on, I have simply shut people out.  I wanted to ask for time.  For patients, for help even, but that never happened.  Then things got worse.  in my second semester at WVU that vile group of scum sucking tabloid wannabes Wikileaks, released the "collateral murder" video.  It was not a good thing.  I had flashbacks and was in a state of near panic.  How I would have killed, or chopped off my own arm if She had somehow come to me.  I waited over a year to date again.  And the little dating I have  done since then could well be called a train wreck.  And still this pain persists. 

I am now 28.  I have prospects but those prospects seem to have more problems than I'm willing to admit to anyone (even myself sometimes).  She just got married.  I feel deeply betrayed.  When I think about it there is that small voice screaming in my head that it should have been me.  What has he that I do not?  Have I not earned it?  Didn't I prove my love?  Worse than that I lost one of the last people I can actually turn to. 

Last summer I went home for two weeks, and it was a mess, I was stressed out, bills were high, and I was in sorry shape.  While visiting my Grandparents I slept in the same room, in the same bed no less that my dad did in his final days.  Sitting in a decent reclining office chair (the only decent chair for said purpose in the house) I was leaning back in contemplation of the extreme bills, and how everything depended on me getting a job that like all others is just impossible to predict (pipe-lining is not a way that allows for easy planning)  I was stressed out and trying desperatly not to think of how screwed I was.  Then my Aunt came in and said "you know that's the chair we found him in"  Even the position no less.  I waited till my Aunt left then bolted outside.  I felt. . . dirty wrong, I felt soiled, and all the things that had been bothering me came to the surface. 

In more emotional turmoil than I had since perhaps 2008, I texted Her.  Told her the whole thing and how messed up I was. . . . I couldn't tell you what I texted.  I can't tell you what my state of mind was, maybe I just wanted to her her voice.  Maybe I just wanted someone to tell me that it was alright, but. . . no.  I got a call from her new man.  I hesitate to call him boy toy, because he actually is an Army officer, and even if I view him as a Jodi, that is respectable.  Whatever his name is (don't ask I never bothered to find out) he called and was very sincere that he understood that I was having a rough time.  He actually talked to me man to man which I could respect and didn't state or threaten anything, but it was implied.  Don't call or text her anymore.  Just like that I had lost one of the last people in the world I felt truly safe confiding in. 

Once.  A long time ago I visited a fortune teller who read my palm, and told me that fatherhood would be very important to me.  She told me that it would happen sometime *roughly* after next year.  But now as I try to move on, the hurt, the emptiness She left me with, have given me an inability to trust the fairer sex.  Even when I know they love me, I keep them at arms length.  How can I forgive someone I'm still in love with?  Still from the darkest corners of my mind I hear the words of Mecrutio, a plague upon your houses. 

It is a question I will grapple with for a long time.  How do I forgive this devastating blow, that I can't even understand?  If I could not see it in someone I knew like the back of my hand, how could I possibly not expect it from a stranger?  Does any woman honestly expect me to just be fine after all I've been through? 

The bitch of it is, the most important questions in life, never seem to have an answer.